Never going to tell anyone in real life, want to say it here - I think I should leave him

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NCed for this as don't want anyone to know it's me.
I've been with my husband for over 20 years, met in our early 20s, now early 40s.
We've got 2 boys, they are the absolute loves of my life, 6 and nearly 3.
DH and I have both got baggage - my mum died when I was young and dad abandoned us. His parents divorced when he was 11 and then his mum sent him to boarding school to punish him for being sad about it.
He suppresses his emotions, then very rarely - once every few years or so - he just loses it completely.
I'm more emotional and have a shouty night maybe fortnightly, getting frustration off my chest - but both of us have a firm rule of never in front of the kids.
We had a rough pandemic (like most people!) and got completely sick of each others faces. He was drinking too much and being fairly vile to me.
Money has often been an issue, he has low self esteem and really struggles with job applications, hates failing, hates being judged, hates networking... He is nowhere near earning enough to keep us on an even keel.
I had bad health after baby 2, auto immune condition and chronic fatigue, lost my income. Felt so poorly and couldn't understand why he wasn't stepping up to cover me.
We have been going to counselling and I felt like things were getting better - more affection, more closeness, more like we were on the same team.
But it's been a hideous week - kids are ill with colds and grumpy and not sleeping, poor dog is having an arthritis flare up and we are not sure if it's time to pts. I'm retraining in a challenging area so that finally we could have a decent household income, and I have homework due, and he's not supporting me at all. It came to head last night in cross words and a huff.
Got back from the vets with dog's new medication this morning and tried to clear the air. 6 yo at school, nearly 3 yo was playing with his toys and I put my hand on m husband's arm and said let's not be ratty with each other, life is short, I just need more support sometimes. He started arguing, saying it was my fault, I'm unreasonably demanding, and always blame him unfairly. I raised my voice then and something snapped behind his eyes and he came at me, shoved me across the room and pinned me on the sofa, hitting me and grabbing me. It went on for a minute maybe? I was pinned and couldn't do anything, just felt totally powerless and terrified.
Then the toddler was sobbing and that's when he did the worst thing - ran to the toddler and picked him up and said "he's my son, I'm keeping him". The poor child was reaching for me and screaming and husband was turning his shoulders so I couldn't get to my child - I was terrified he'd hurt him so had to wait a minute or so while our son screamed for me until he'd calmed down enough to give him to me and then I could comfort him.
After the toddler was napping I went down and he was sat there saying it's really important for us to understand what happened so that we can avoid it happening again. He's sorry and I provoked him beyond what he could stand but this isn't something to break up our family over.
I am sick to think of the trauma caused to our baby and I have no clue what to do. I'd like to think I can keep our family together but can I? Should I leave? I don't have any money or anywhere to go. The boys love their dad and he's been (mostly) good to us for a long time. I'm not perfect by a long shot. My heart keeps skipping out of my chest, like he's pinning me again. He's gone to the gym, the boys are at school and nursery. I can't tell anyone in real life. If anyone reads this far I'd be grateful for any thoughts or advice. x

Oh, OP. Please do as others have suggested. He left bruises on your body. He did this in front of your child — and then terrorised your child. You should not stay with this man.

Abusers rely on you keeping silent.
Once you tell people they will want to help.
I would ring Women's Aid.

Your children ARE vulnerable. Right now.

Please contact the police about this. He assaulted you and you were terrified he would physically harm your dc as well. He's then used the threat of taking your child away from you and frightened your child too. This is horribly abusive. You cannot talk about this and sort it out via counselling. You should never have joint counselling with your abuser.

If the counsellor reports the abuse, then so be it.
It would be done fur very good reasons - and I think you know it.

Btw have you noticed how, after tte event, he

• already made it your fault - you’ve pushed him too much.
• Minimising - not something to break over. But you know that once youve accepted it once, it will be harder and harder to say Enough Is Enough after each time he’ll hit you, right?
• saying that ‘WE need to talk about it’ (what he knows you’d want) and that ‘WE need to find a solution’ (but already it’s not fully his fault).

That’s on the back of using his son, a 3yo fgs, as a weapon to attack you, scare you into submission.

You need to talk about it in RL. You need your family and friends around you as a support. You need to talk to your GP. You need to make it real for yourself first and foremost.

And he needs to be out if the house.

Please speak to women's aid or DV charity and report him to the police.
Don't let him minimise this with excuses and promises to get help for his temper. You & the kids are not safe around him as you can't trust him to be able to control himself. At the time you were pacifying him and offering a way out of the discussion and yet he chose to push on, get angry and launch into this violent attack, when he could've walked away.
He's proven he's angry, resentful and wants to hurt you, so much that he doesn't even register that his child would witness it. He's ok with using the kids as pawns even if it's distressing them, so he can hurt and control you.

Hey OP - sending unlimited hugs and virtual love.

Like others have said, you must tell someone for the safety of yourself and your children.

Even if miraculously he is never physical again, he is openly suggesting that you live in fear of what he is capable of. To say that you need to discuss how you pushed him too far is to tell you that violence will be the result if you ever challenge him. This is controlling and abusive regardless.

He needs help and you and your kids need safety x

You must ohotograph all the bruises.
You must report.
Who will get pinned to the wall next time hes angry?
What will happen yo your DC if he kills you?

You didn't provoke him at all. He clearly has anger issues and MH problems.

I don't really have much advice, I'm afraid. Maybe he could try counselling, though I have little faith in it myself. I doubt he'll get better. Generally, I'm afraid, people get worse. If I was you, I'd complete my qualifications, then think about leaving. He'll do it again at some point, mark my words. Domestic abusers usually do.

Police. Now.

If you won't go to the Police for you, do it for the children

That man is violent

Your relationship is over. Any violence in a relationship is the END. Full stop. No exceptions.

Get some individual counselling and get you and your children away from this violent man.

You said you were terrified he would hurt your toddler. Well he did! Maybe not physically but just as your parents abandoned you and his punished him, it harmful. The reality is your still feeling that pain today. You need to be apart atm. That doesn't mean your marriage is over but you cannot go through that again. Btw your fortnightly outbursts are damaging too.
Your live sounds utterly awful.

This.

If you love your children the way you say you do then you will protect them by leaving him (or kicking him out!).

If you allow them to be brought up in an environment of anger and violence the BEST case is that they will survive but will never forgive you. Worse scenarios include social services involvement or them being "accidentally" killed by him.

Or witnessing him killing you.

Now is your chance to change this. Take it before it's too late.

Tell someone in real life. You need support because he's crossed a line and thinks he's got away with it.

Your instincts here are completely right. You don't want your children to be vulnerable or hurt. Right now, today, your husband has hurt your toddler. It's awful and it must be so hard to get your head round, but it's real and you can only deal with the reality. Your husband must never be allowed to hurt them, or you, again. Please call the police or take your kids and go to a safe place (under some pretext) then call the police. Get your bruises documented - ideally ask a friend or relative to take pictures for you.

You know what makes it even worse than "just" hitting you for a minute then grabbing your toddler and making you afraid of how he might hit him next? He's not even sorry about it:

"he was sat there saying it's really important for us to understand what happened so that we can avoid it happening again. He's sorry and I provoked him beyond what he could stand but this isn't something to break up our family over."

He wants you to LEARN from this, that you must do what he wants and behave how he wants or it WILL happen again. That's what he meant. He's literally raised the spectre of it happening again. This isn't the only beating he plans to dish out, this was the first one.

Please, make sure it was the last

Sending you hugs OP.

I'd agree with much of what is posted here.

If you don't feel you can do a lot of it, at the bare minimum, please report to the police. You don't need to pursue a charge, but it does need to be on his record.

I regret not reporting my ex husband during the 20 years when we were married after each time he pinned me, hurt me, threw things at me etc. Rare incidents, but they happened more times than I should have let them. When it finally got to breaking up, we had a DV incident where the police were called by a neighbour.

When we were speaking to police after the incident, my stress response was ultra calm mode. His was a massive panic attack at being found out of what he was doing.

Because of our reactions, the police named me the perpetrator and he the victim. Had I reported in all those other things he'd done to me through the years, I would now not have that charge against my name. Could have lost my career had XH decided to press charges. He used it all through our divorce as "evidence".

So please don't land in the same shit I did. At the very least, if you can't physically leave for a while, put a report into the police now.

OP if a friend told you her husband had done this to her what would your advice be?

What your situation reads to me is that your husband has now shown you that if you 'push him' then he can use his physical strength as a necessary way of shuting you up and scaring you into submission. As others have said the trust is 100% gone now. There is absolutely no way you can ever know that he would ever do this again. His reaction and behaviour following what he did to you also reads that he doesn't really believe he's done anything that wrong. Anyone genuinely remorseful would of stopped themselves, cried, backed the he'll away, be digusted and distressed about their actions but instead he continued by grabbing your child and causing further distress to your child and to you? I'm very OP it must be a huge shock for you but this is not a situation you can come back from and your children need to be as far from it as possible. Reach out to people for support don't do this on your own. Sending strength to you.

Please protect yourself and your children, it won’t stop here.
It didn’t with me and eventually when I told a friend, who came round with her boyfriend to confront him, he ran.
But he still tried to intimidate, by banging on the door late at night, following my car (I drove, and parked outside the police station) and threatening me.
While at the same time saying he despised me and had hated me for years.
You need to show your bruises to someone, the Police would be best and get him out of your house.
He is dangerous!!!!

Oh God OP.
This brought tears to my eyes.

Please don't accept that you pushed him to do that to you and your poor child.

You deserve better. Please get out. Please get help. Please get support.

Oh sweetheart, you must be so shaken.

I’ve been where you are now, and I wish someone had told me at this point to LEAVE.
If not for you, for your children.

If you stay now, you will send him the message that he can get away with this behaviour. Abusive behaviour. Domestic violence. And it WILL happen again.

Please do report it. Please, please do speak to someone in real life. There is no excuse for this.

What advice would you give to someone if they came to you and told you this had happened to them?

If a stranger (or an acquaintance) did this to you or to someone else would you report him?
you need to report it. Sending hugs 🤗

OP the first step might be to either talk to someone you trust in real life or a helpline, or to ask a friend to call a helpline for you or with you. It can be helpful to have all your options and the implications explained to you. In my experience you can do this anonymously and it can be a first step, the helpline I called didn’t contact the police or social services, but they did explain how things could escalate and how to keep children safe. They advised and gave support and explained the process and what help was available. In case going straight to the police feels too hard there are other people you can call to start getting practical help.

1- He assaulted you OP

2- quite a sustained attack

3- he involved your toddler.

4- Now he’s blaming you for it

Given all the background, your marriage has been in decline and he’s been becoming more and more of an arsehole for some years. This includes alcohol abuse and not supporting you when you are trying to improve his children’s situation.

This is just the next development, he will flip again, and the attacks - physical and mental - will gradually get worse.

For now I would reach out to a friend if you possibly can to get some support.

You don’t have to run out the door with both kids under your arms tomorrow, but you have to get a plan in place (pull all your financials, see a solicitor) so you know when and how you can go. Don’t talk to him about it until you’re ready.

You also need to have a plan B in place in case you start to feel unsafe. Is there a friend you and the kids could stay with in an emergency? Otherwise have an exploratory call with women’s aid on what to do in an emergency.

Make an excuse to drop marriage counselling. You can’t do this with abusive person, you will just get ground down by him gaslighting you (eg blaming you for him attacking you.)

It would be a good idea to report it to the police so it’s on file.