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Original poster

Partner changed his mind about children

90 replies

Fictionalcharacter28 · 30/09/2023 22:00

I’m 27, have been with my partner (26) for just over 6 years and i moved in with him a few weeks ago.

we’ve had several discussions about the future, and both said we wanted children in the future, probably not until our mid thirties. Admittedly these conversations were very much initiated by me. Today we were out shopping and a parent with screaming child walked past - partner commented ‘god I never want children’ - then changed the subject

when I pushed him on this at home, he said he’d spoken to his neighbour who recently had a baby and was having very little sleep. Therefore decided he no longer wanted children himself- when pushed rated 8/10 certainty but seemed surprised by my reaction (‘why, is it important to you’?)

im devastated, and really angry that he didn’t think this was relevant to tell me before I uprooted my life, moved to a new job and new city where I know nobody to be with him. I probably know what the advice will be, but would really appreciate some advice on what to do next - feel a bit like I’m going crazy

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2023 22:02

You know what people are going to say, can’t think of any ways around it 💐

Mari9999 · 30/09/2023 22:15

@Fictionalcharacter28
Plan your life around what you want and what you can do to achieve what you want. That may or may nor involve him.

Do you love him enough to want a life with him even if that means having no children? The answer to that question may give you a sense of the direction in which you should move. Given that you were not planning on having children for a few years, you have some time to think this over an make an alternative plan.

Original poster
Fictionalcharacter28 · 30/09/2023 22:18

Thank you both so much, really really helpful to hear it from someone else

OP posts:
Dery · 30/09/2023 22:23

Don’t forego having children for him. His window of opportunity for having children is likely quite a lot bigger than yours and it’s very possible that you might lose the opportunity of becoming a mum and then your relationship breaks down and he goes off and has children with someone else.

Also, personally I wouldn’t plan for children in your mid-30s if you can have them sooner. I had my first at 35 (pregnant at 34) but I didn’t meet my husband till I was nearly 30. Our children are fab (practically adults now) but DH and I would both have had them earlier if we could.

peacock2 · 30/09/2023 22:32

Probably time to take control of your life and replan however hard that feel now. If you are clear that what he wants isn't what you want then there's no point hanging around for him tk change his mind. I say this as someone who wasted time in this situation and then had a mad scramble at the end and ended up with someone I really shouldn't have. It's hard now, but much harder 'making do' when time is even shorter and you have less choice. Or 'making do' and having DC with someone you regret settling for. It feels late that he's said this, but he has shown his colours before you have to waste even more time on him.

Summer2424 · 30/09/2023 22:32

Hi @Fictionalcharacter28
Hoping you and your partner could come to some sort of agreement about children. If not hun then it's very difficult i know but maybe think about moving on and being with someone who does want to have children. I really hope things workout xx

Divebar2021 · 30/09/2023 22:38

26 is still pretty young …. I don’t think I would have wanted them at that point and I don’t think I could have imagined wanting them when I was older. In fact when I got pregnant at 40 I wasn’t 100% confident that it was the right thing to do. My point is that not everyone has their entire life mapped out at that age. Im not suggesting you hang around on the off chance but just be warned that you could leave and your boyfriend could end up having children with a new partner down the road. He’s basing it on how he feels right now and that may change.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 22:45

Fictionalcharacter28 · 30/09/2023 22:00

I’m 27, have been with my partner (26) for just over 6 years and i moved in with him a few weeks ago.

we’ve had several discussions about the future, and both said we wanted children in the future, probably not until our mid thirties. Admittedly these conversations were very much initiated by me. Today we were out shopping and a parent with screaming child walked past - partner commented ‘god I never want children’ - then changed the subject

when I pushed him on this at home, he said he’d spoken to his neighbour who recently had a baby and was having very little sleep. Therefore decided he no longer wanted children himself- when pushed rated 8/10 certainty but seemed surprised by my reaction (‘why, is it important to you’?)

im devastated, and really angry that he didn’t think this was relevant to tell me before I uprooted my life, moved to a new job and new city where I know nobody to be with him. I probably know what the advice will be, but would really appreciate some advice on what to do next - feel a bit like I’m going crazy

At only 27 you are so young and can easily have lots of adventures and then settle down with someone else who will want a family with you. If he's sure, and you're sure, then you do need to break up. Be thankful you're 27 not 37 in this situation as you are so young. And don't worry about moving - this new city will have lots to offer you and you don't have to stay forever!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 22:46

Divebar2021 · 30/09/2023 22:38

26 is still pretty young …. I don’t think I would have wanted them at that point and I don’t think I could have imagined wanting them when I was older. In fact when I got pregnant at 40 I wasn’t 100% confident that it was the right thing to do. My point is that not everyone has their entire life mapped out at that age. Im not suggesting you hang around on the off chance but just be warned that you could leave and your boyfriend could end up having children with a new partner down the road. He’s basing it on how he feels right now and that may change.

I think it's too risky to stick around and see. At 26 I knew that I loved kids and wanted to be a mum one day even though I also knew that I wanted to party hard travel and establish my career first

smallshinybutton · 30/09/2023 22:48

I'm sorry but if you want kids you need to move straight back out, heal from the relationship and focus on dating so you can find someone who does want kids. He will string you along with is 8/10. Dangling that chance. You muse seize the day.

Doyoumind · 30/09/2023 22:52

I do know quite a lot of people who said similar around that age and went on to have children. Having said that, it's not worth the risk. You're young enough to have time to find someone else with the same desires as you. Don't waste your time with him.

Lucious1000 · 30/09/2023 22:53

Yip. You are still young. If you want kids then you need to move on.

Will he change his mind again in 3 years time?

When do you want to try for a family?

Serious discussion needed!!

Alphyn · 01/10/2023 00:06

Presumably the new job is something you would have found acceptable regardless of whether or not you’re in a relationship with him. If yes, focus on establishing yourself in the new job, exploring the city and deciding whether you see a future for yourself there. If not, are you able to move back closer to family/friends? The relationship is over, you’re wasting your time with him. You should probably consider freezing your eggs if you want to leave it that late to have kids.

Also, if you do somehow manage to persuade him to have kids, be prepared to shoulder most of the burden yourself because he’ll probably turn around and say he wasn’t ready to have kids.

HoneyBadgerMom · 01/10/2023 00:21

Be glad you found out before you waste any more time on him. Whether or not you have children isn't something that you should count on "working out" later. That's a fundamental value and it's not like you can compromise, you either have children or you don't.

If you want children, walk away now.

Zippedydoodahday · 01/10/2023 00:28

As someone that didn't walk away, I can assure you that you most likely will wish you had.

I did eventually have one child. But if I could go back and leave I would. I should have gone and found someone that wanted kids as much as me.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 01/10/2023 00:35

If you hang around in the hope he'll change his mind you'll only be wasting precious time.

Playingintheshadow · 01/10/2023 00:38

Your BF sounds very immature if he is so easily put off!! It's a pretty trivial/crap reason to eschew parenthood!

26 and 27 is still young - I wouldn't have wanted a baby at that age and neither would DH. We ran into fertility problems when we did start ttc when I was 30 and had our first at 34. We have 3.

You need to have a serious discussion with him and make it plain that this is a dealbreaker for you, and that if he doesn't see children in your future, then you may not have a future together.

Goldencup · 01/10/2023 00:41

Dery · 30/09/2023 22:23

Don’t forego having children for him. His window of opportunity for having children is likely quite a lot bigger than yours and it’s very possible that you might lose the opportunity of becoming a mum and then your relationship breaks down and he goes off and has children with someone else.

Also, personally I wouldn’t plan for children in your mid-30s if you can have them sooner. I had my first at 35 (pregnant at 34) but I didn’t meet my husband till I was nearly 30. Our children are fab (practically adults now) but DH and I would both have had them earlier if we could.

Can I ask why ? Mumsnet is full of women saying that 38 is the ideal time to have DCs.

Playingintheshadow · 01/10/2023 00:50

Goldencup · 01/10/2023 00:41

Can I ask why ? Mumsnet is full of women saying that 38 is the ideal time to have DCs.

Show quote history

I don't think I have ever seen anyone say that tbh.

It's perfectly acceptable to have a baby at 38 (or older) but not what most people would aim for, in an ideal world.

RantyAnty · 01/10/2023 01:14

Can you move back?

Seems that he lied to yo to keep you sweet.

Would he have given up his job and moved to where you used to live?

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 01/10/2023 01:19

It’s classic behaviour: he told you lies till he has got you to commit and make yourself vulnerable, then told you the truth. Unforgivable and devious. I could no longer someone who did this.

move back out and chuck him.

Somanycats · 01/10/2023 01:38

38 is not an ideal age to have children. If someone is lucky enough to get pregnant at 38, all power to them but in general it's going to be much harder to become pregnant, to successfully carry a child and to give birth to a healthy child at that age. 19-30 is often cited as the optimum window.

coxesorangepippin · 01/10/2023 01:41

Well, do whatever you please, but if you want kids you need to be trying to have them by 30 at the latest I'd say. I personally wouldn't hang around with this fella

Do you like your new job?

WillYouHmm · 01/10/2023 01:56

I think it's risky to wait until your mid 30s to ttc, especially when this is by choice (it's different for those who unfortunately didn't meet anyone when they were a bit younger who wanted children too). You could discover you have fertility issues and then you have less time to seek help, especially when the effectiveness of interventions declines with age.

26 is definitely not young to be a first time parent. I'd say under 25 is a younger mum and over 35 is an older mum (this is a category midwives can tick on the booking form when you're pregnant). I think you know that you have to break up now rather than waste anymore time.

GoldenSpangles · 01/10/2023 02:01

Having children at 38 is not ideal. I had my second at 37. I was a lot more knocked about and tired than I was at 34. It took me longer to get pregnant. I had intended to wait another year but after a talk with my obstetrician I realised I was taking a real risk of never being able to have a second child. I had a rather unpleasant test and a nervewracking wait for results to ensure the baby had 46 chromosomes because the risks were much higher at that stage and I would have had an abortion if they hadn't. Also although at that stage we had a full set of grandparents they were on the elderly side and we had limited hands on help.

One of my friends had a dreadful time when she started trying at 37. She told me that still having a waist and looking youthful had made her think she plenty of time. She lost two babies and the third survived with a lifelong health issue.

Yes, I had a friend who had a baby at 41 without incident. But I rather suspect she is the exception. Also she had no grandparent support either because her parents were very elderly and infirm.

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