Partner changed his mind about children

[Fictionalcharacter28]

I’m 27, have been with my partner (26) for just over 6 years and i moved in with him a few weeks ago.

we’ve had several discussions about the future, and both said we wanted children in the future, probably not until our mid thirties. Admittedly these conversations were very much initiated by me. Today we were out shopping and a parent with screaming child walked past - partner commented ‘god I never want children’ - then changed the subject

when I pushed him on this at home, he said he’d spoken to his neighbour who recently had a baby and was having very little sleep. Therefore decided he no longer wanted children himself- when pushed rated 8/10 certainty but seemed surprised by my reaction (‘why, is it important to you’?)

im devastated, and really angry that he didn’t think this was relevant to tell me before I uprooted my life, moved to a new job and new city where I know nobody to be with him. I probably know what the advice will be, but would really appreciate some advice on what to do next - feel a bit like I’m going crazy

As Dr Psych Mom often says, there's no such thing as a free lunch. If you want certainty from a man that he wants children, statistically you're going to have to date older. Your partner is two years younger than you, which brings benefits in some ways (enthusiasm for life, etc), but the other wise of this is that very few men definitely know at this age they want children

You've previously discussed with your partner that you'd want children by your mid thirties - that's ten years away for him. If the absolute certainty is important to you, you need to break up right away and start looking for men in their thirties and forties, but bear in mind the downside of this. Otherwise you're looking for men your age who either 1) want children now or very soon, which is ahead of your timeframe, or 2) want children later, with the risk they change their mind.

It's a good thing he was able to expressed his reservations and that you had the presence of mind to check it out. Some people (often men) acquiesce into having children because that's the way life seems to be drifting. To find yourself a parent, if you had unexpressed doubts about your capacity or inclination to be a good parent, or unvoiced concerns about raising children in an insecure environmental and economic climate, must be really terrible, so it seems this has worked out for the best.

I would at this point be very wary of any 'I may want children later' statements from him - not because I think it's inherently unreasonable for someone relatively young to be unsure whether they want children in future, but because there's a huge trust issue stemming from his sudden statement that he likely doesn't want them right after you've upended your life to move in with him. It's also not a good sign that he's acting all baffled about why this might bother you. It does not sound as though he is treating you with the thoughtfulness and respect you deserve.

Some people will say he has every right to change his mind at any time (as do you), which is ofcourse right. Except....

It seems he's changed his mind about having children and didn't think it was important enough to mention it to his OH. The OH who has made it clear she wants children, and who he's previously agreed with.

He could have told you he was having second thoughts BEFORE you upended your life to live with him. He chose not to.

Whenever he came to this realisation, he should have talked to you. If it was genuinely when he spoke to that neighbour, he should have sat down next time he saw you and said 'I'm having second thoughts about having children. I know it's important to you. We need to talk about this before we move our lives to be together'.

But no, he didn't think to mention it, which suggests only his feelings and needs are important to him. Yours didn't occur to him.

I strongly suspect he's never been that bothered about having children / hadn't given it much thought. Just said what you wanted to here for an easy life / to get what he wanted from the relationship. Now you've committed by moving in with him, switching towns and jobs, he's relaxed and is being honest.

Even worse than that, is if he's always KNOWN he doesn't want children, and has actively lied to manipulate you into a relationship you wouldn't have chosen, and now he feels he's safe he's not bothering to pretend anymore.

Whichever it is, you know he's unlikely to want children; you know he changed his mind and didn't think to mention it to you; the timing suggests he's done all this knowingly; your feelings and wants in life aren't that important to him that he felt he should keep you informed on something as important as this.

The OP’s post is giving me the impression that he changed his mind more recently than that, after having a discussion with someone else. He’s also only 26, which I think is an acceptable age not to be thinking about kids all the time. Maybe where he has gone wrong is say ‘i’m not sure’ previously, unless he’s legit changed his mind. I wasn’t thinking about kids when I was 26 as I wasn’t in a position to, but then I had my first at 32. A lot can change in those years if they originally made an agreement to have kids in mid thirties.

I'd move straight back out again

It's not the fact he's changed his mind. He's entitled to. It's the fact having had all these discussions about the future he knows you want kids. The minute he had doubts he should have raised this with you. Definitely before you uprooted your life to move in with him.

It's not a 'oh I've changed my mind. Is it important?' Situation. And it's worrying he seems unable to compute that.

And yes. I do think it's suspect he's waited till now to show you this to him. I think he's hoping you'll feel obliged to stay now you've moved, and hope he changes his mind again.

To reiterate its not the changing of his mind. Everyone can change their mind. But the way he didn't deem it important to discuss with you. I don't know how you can trust him to not change his mind again or on other important life decisions. Maybe he'll announce he doesn't want to get married next?

And bullshit to the having kids at 38. You're classed as a geriatric mother at 35. It gets a lot harder and more things to go wrong the older you are. If the op wants time to meet someone, date, live together and marry before kids she shouldn't waste time.

Thanks so much everyone

discussed a bit more and I definitely get the impression he just hasn’t been thinking about it very seriously and genuinely didn’t realise re the sleep deprivation - unsure how, but acknowledge he’s only 26 and don’t think he was purposefully manipulating

I absolutely would have got a new job anyway, but without him would have taken one closer to friends and family in or near my last city (it’s associated with a university so could basically have done it anywhere in the country but unable to switch now unfortunately)

ive asked him to give it some more serious thought and let me know

Sounds like he’s just not mature enough to make an actual decision, which personally I don’t think is unusual at age 26. How much do you like him?

I work with a colleague who is in his mid 40s and had been with his partner since they were in their mid 20s. He dithered for years on whether he wanted children or not until the point it was too late.

He recently decided he did want children after all, so he's broken up with her and is now dating women in their 20s with the express purpose of finding someone to start a family with. At 46 she's more or less out of options.

I wouldn't stick around if you do want children. He has options you don't have in terms of time.

And the problem with pushing the issue is there is a fair chance of ended up with a child and a man who refuses to be an equal parent or do an equal share of the household chores because "well you wanted children anyway, I didn't, I did it for you" like that's a get out of jail free card.

I do love him, and up until this point (admittedly very early days!) was so happy and excited to be living together

he’s always seemed to have very limited memory of past conversations which I think doesn’t help - although he had a vague notion I probably wanted children he says he can’t remember any specifics. I’ve always had a better memory for conversations and I guess placed more importance on those conversations too, so I remember them pretty well

in terms of whether he would have moved in with me rather than the other way round - probably not, partly because my city was smaller than his so his specific job didn’t exist and also I rented vs he owns so worked out much cheaper me moving in with him. But agree that’s a bit of an indicator of commitment level too

I think what strikes me is that he was genuinely surprised it might be an issue for you. People who've never felt the urge for children struggle to understand the power of the feeling, the central importance of it. If he's never ever understood that, he's perhaps a bit more likely never to change his mind.

My first husband didn't want children. He said he was unsure at first but to do him justice he did say he definitely didn't want them before we married. He had a vasectomy 18 months later because he was pretty sure I'd refuse to have an abortion if I were pregnant. This was all completely logical and I thank him for it because he made me decide. I was out of the marriage in my 31st year and had time to meet dh and have ds. But I told dh children were a deal breaker for me on the second date.

None of this was much fun tbh. I think get to know yourself. Really, if you could, would you be pregnant right now? Is that what you'd really choose? Because him saying 'mid thirties' if it was him who said that, argues that he's just not old enough to think beyond 'ten years, I'm sure ill be a grown up by then'. He just sounds like a bit of a kid tbh. Not his fault but not ready to grow up yet which is unattractive tbh.

@Fictionalcharacter28

ive asked him to give it some more serious thought and let me know

Don't give him too long to think about this issue which is huge for you, less so for him, or you'll both settle back into your grooves and time will go faster than you think.

In the meantime you might want to consider having your own fertility tested (I'm sure people here will advise how to go about this and their possible experiences or you can contact fertility clinics and talk to them). 🌹

he’s always seemed to have very limited memory of past conversations which I think doesn’t help

All past conversations or just the ones that are unimportant to him?

Because if he can still remember, for example, the conversation with his mates last year about who kicked the best penalty shot in the world Cup for example (insert better example of his interests here) but cannot remember a conversation about something important to you, that doesn't make for a very happy long term relationship. It will just make you feel dismissed, unimportant and resentful that you have to remember everything and then have the same conversation with him multiple times because he can't be bothered to expend the mental effort on remembering.

I’m 27, have been with my partner (26) for just over 6 years and i moved in with him a few weeks ago.

IMHO the timing is relevant.

Sounds like he future faked you until he go you where he wanted you (your life upended to suit his) - then he moved the goal posts by laying out the new rules.

No man is worth squandering your fertility.

If it critical for you to be a mother - leave this one and start looking for a more compatible partner with similar goals. You have time in your side now to develop another long term relationship and start a family in your early 30s before your fertility declines.

Are you kidding? He can't remember specifics?

About whether you wanted kids or not. Kind of a major life altering decision

I just don't believe it. No one says they wants kids and then forgets about it. No adult anyway

And I see you've left him with the power. Why is the ball in his court? He's shown himself to be at best an immature kid who can't plan for the future and at worst a deceiving future faker who has made you up sticks and leave your support network on a false promise.

Why aren't you deciding whether you want to pin your future on someone with so little regard for what you want?

he’s always seemed to have very limited memory of past conversations which I think doesn’t help - although he had a vague notion I probably wanted children he says he can’t remember any specifics.

Gas-lighting in action.

He’s isolated you from friends and family. Told you what you wanted to hear until you moved in with him and now gaslights you into believing that he doesn’t really remember you wanting a family. Run.
Even if you convince him to have a baby he may not stay around. Babies test the most solid, loving relationships even when they are 100% wanted.

ive asked him to give it some more serious thought and let me know
Well, let's hope he remembers 🙄 Seriously, I am giving some significant side-eye to this person who can't be bothered to remember things that are significant to you in life, or what he said about them at the time.

that must have been very hard to hear.
Take a good long look at your plans, short-, mid- and long-term. How do you see your life in 1, 5 and 10 years time? how do you want it to look? When you know roughly what those things look like, have a few conversations with your DP. Not late night things, or spur of the moment things: go for a walk, a long coffee or something. Find out what his goals are, and if you allign that's good. But don't sacrifice your happiness for a dream.

And you should also use the opportunity, if he does see having children with you in his future, to discuss how that will look. How will finances work? will you be expected to/want to be a SAHM? how long for? etc etc

The good thing is you are young enough to make real changes. But don't have to really rush anything.

But. Be prepared that he was being serious. You know what you need to do in that case.

and both said we wanted children in the future, probably not until our mid thirties

OP, you are very uneducated about fertility if you thought a good time to start was probably not until your mid 30s. Plenty of women do have healthy babies and conceive at that age, and later than that too, but it's definitely not something anyone should actually plan to do if they can avoid it. I could sort of understand it if you both said late 20s or 30s, but not mid 30s.

It very risky for you to stay with him. Please don't be like women I've seen on here who waited around for their partner, only for their partner to leave them for a younger model at the tail end of their fertility between the age of 33 - 43. Their boyfriends or husbands keep leading them on, breadcrumbing them saying things like 'next year when we have more savings' or 'not right now it's really busy at work'.

It's really important that he's enthusiastically onboard with having children.

Also, I wanted to add that I'm a non-religious millennial who cares about women's rights, so please bear with me when I say this, but I note that you've been with him for a long time now and you're still not married. I wasn't either, and I was also not bothered about, nor was I going to be one of those women who have to push their partners into it or beg for a proposal.

However, even though proposals don't necessarily lead to a happy or lasting relationship, I learnt over time that many people won't marry unless they're absolutely sure about their partner and committing to them. It's how men are picky - they will happily co-habit with a woman for years, (sometimes will even have children with her if that is something the man wants) ,but won't marry their partner because that partner is a 'just for now' person. They shut down conversations about marriage by being silent or unenthusiastic, or demean her needs by saying things like 'it's just a piece of paper'. In reality, they're secretly waiting for someone better, 'The One'. Simply put, they're just not that into you.

These men will test you further and further over time with how little they can get away with giving you or committing to this relationship. He already knows that you have stuck around this long without getting married, that you have uprooted your life for him, and now I wouldn't be surprised if he's seeing if he can get you to hang around for another decade, childless, whilst he makes up his mind or until another woman arrives on the scene.

This is a very difficult thing to accept when you love your partner, they seem an otherwise nice person, but many find this out the hard way.

i would discuss it with him there’s no point in hoping and being disappointed as it would probably ruin the relationship anyway.

that’s said my partner didn’t want kids until 32, then thought he wanted them, then my 35 he was desperate for them.

people do change

Be completely honest with him, you want children it’s a deal breaker. If he doesn’t then he should have said before now however you need to go your separate ways if he doesn’t. You don’t want to waste the next 5–9 years then find out it’s not on the table.

He doesn’t want children because they might disturb his sleep ? Imagine how he would be when faced with any sort of problem ? He sounds kinda selfish & immature.

people do change

Yes some can - but the reality is that our fertility window continues to close - don’t chance that these two things magically align.

I won’t now trust him if he said he had changed his mind back to mid-thirties - too much risk that he wouldn’t hold his promise and/or your fertility would decline by then.

Have you agreed next steps with regards housing, savings, money, marriage etc - or are you expecting to subsidise his mortgage indefinitely? What plans / timescales do you have to own a home together?

This!! Tbh even if he does say he’s willing to have children with you, it’s highly likely you’ll be doing all the parenting because he’ll be far too immature to put a child’s needs before his own. He’s not going to get up for night feeds is he? Or do an early shift with the baby so you can get some sleep