Partner changed his mind about children

[Fictionalcharacter28]

I’m 27, have been with my partner (26) for just over 6 years and i moved in with him a few weeks ago.

we’ve had several discussions about the future, and both said we wanted children in the future, probably not until our mid thirties. Admittedly these conversations were very much initiated by me. Today we were out shopping and a parent with screaming child walked past - partner commented ‘god I never want children’ - then changed the subject

when I pushed him on this at home, he said he’d spoken to his neighbour who recently had a baby and was having very little sleep. Therefore decided he no longer wanted children himself- when pushed rated 8/10 certainty but seemed surprised by my reaction (‘why, is it important to you’?)

im devastated, and really angry that he didn’t think this was relevant to tell me before I uprooted my life, moved to a new job and new city where I know nobody to be with him. I probably know what the advice will be, but would really appreciate some advice on what to do next - feel a bit like I’m going crazy

I had never wanted children until I met my husband. That changed everything for me.

Find the person who feels like that about you 💐

While you are still young and have plenty of time to have the children you want, the big worry is that he may have waited until you have moved in with him, and uprooted your life to do so, to move the goalposts. And that he may now string you along for many more years until you no longer have plenty of time. So even if you make it clear it's a deal breaker, he will say all the right words and you won't know whether he means it or if he's just keeping things how he wants them.

Don't follow the sunk cost fallacy. He has told you he doesn't want children. Believe him. If he had told you that right at the beginning, would you have got into a serious relationship with him or would you have walked away? Do the same thing now.

Exactly this ☝️

There is almost the whole EA bingo card here of isolation, future faking and gaslighting....

I wonder if he love bombed you or if there are other subtle coercive and controlling behaviours going on?

The sleep deprivation thing is, in most cases, 3 years or less of your life. It is nothing, in a long lifetime. He is being very short sighted if that is his reason.

Thanks so much everyone

my gut says he didn’t do it maliciously, more thoughtlessly, and I completely agree it’s his right to change his mind at any time (I just hoped he would have thought to tell me) - maybe that’s just me being naive though.

I should probably also say I’m staying at his house rent free (just paying bills), which’s I’m very lucky and grateful for but also gives a bit of a power dynamic

I’m so grateful for everyone’s help

I would absolutely suggest that you living in his house rent fre isn't lucky but entirely calculated on his behalf. He is e hibiting many controlling behaviours, this one of them.

It’s not lucky, it’s calculated. Before you know you’ll entirely depend on him. He’s the one making all the decisions here.

Please break up with him. He's still very young, so he might change his mind, but he could change it at the age of 40 (like several men I know), but by then it might be too late for you.

Please, just run. Nobody forgets to tell their girlfriend of six years that he has changed his mind about children. Nobody times the revelation thoughtlessly if they only reveal this after you have changed jobs, moved to a place where you don't have have any friends and moved into his place to boot. I mean he must be able to hold down a job and remember things like where he works. He managed to remember enough to buy a house on his own.

You can have all the discussions in the world with him but it will not make him a better man and he's pretty clearly a bit of a prat at best and probably worse.

Woman after woman has told you this on this thread that he doesn't want children (at least with you). Many of us have been there. Does he want to marry you for example? Or do you want to have children when you're not married to the father?

If he owns the house, I rather think he intends to keep on owning it in his own name which he achieves by not marrying you. This isn't a moral judgment just pointing out that you are possibly leaving yourself in a very precarious situation with a man who is supremely selfish. He probably wants you living rent-free so you don't have a claim on his house. At this rate, he keeps the houses, gets sex supplied, gets to split the other bills and you do a least half of the cooking and cleaning. What is there not to like about this set up from his point of view. I think there might be a lot wrong with it from your point of view though.

I am guessing you may not have strong family ties or maybe a lot of family. These men tend to pick women who are easier to isolate. Or the get them estranged from their family in some way - engineering a fall out or quarrel. Right now he has you in a place where you know nobody but him.

I don't think you're going to listen to all the people on here telling you to leave

And that's entirely up to you of course.

But consider you situation. You're not on a mortgage. He is. You dont own anything. You've moved to be with him. You've agreed a timeline that's frankly insane to have kids. You've left your support network.

What if he changes his mind on marriage. Is that okay? What if he never changes his mind about kids.

The people on here aren't doom mongers set out to upset you. We're trying to save you as we have sadly seen this many times before.

Adding my 50p worth to agree the people above. How does he own his own house?

you are very convenient for him. In this case I would spilt up with him if he can’t 100% to marriage and kids, if that is what you want.

Thanks everyone

@multiholk he’s from a very wealthy family, so his parents technically own the house but he lives in it and were happy for me to move in as well. The idea was we could do that for a few years before buying somewhere ourselves (im from a working class background, lucky to have a good job now but still far from wealthy myself!) - so while it does feel a bit uncomfortable I also acknowledge I’m very fortunate, and in a much better position to be able to save

interesting opinions here - I sort of saw myself as getting more out of the relationship generally than he does in terms of resources etc so really to helpful to hear from this perspective

I luckily do have a great network of friends and family at home, whereas he is a lot more distant with his family (grew up in boarding schools etc etc)

Hmmmmm as a random internet person I could entirely be wrong but the boarding school boys / men I have known have all been quite damaged, and also very self sufficient.

This might work out for you, but equally he’s got time and money on his side and you could be the first of three long term relationships, and he has kids when he is 40.

only you can put yourself first. He actually probably can’t put you first due to boarding school. He will lie about emotions as he will be quite detached from them.

Think carefully and have a good plan. maybe give him an ultimatum of a year to have started trying / be engaged or whatever. In that time invest in yourself for a year, save hard, be on the look out for jobs at home.

He will look after himself. He probably does really like you, but it might not be enough.

If I was you and with the world that I have lived… if you want children, you need to move on sooner rather than later. It may seem harsh, but I really wish someone had given me this advice earlier on in my life. I was always pushed to having a child in a loving and married life… thinking I would be supported in doing this I waited until j was married. However, I’m childless and probably too old to now have a child. Tried IVF and it failed and will try it again.. it’s so much money. I wish if I could turn back the clocks, which my desire to be a mum rather than a wife ruled my heart and take the opportunity whilst I could.

This is exactly what happened to me. Met partner when I was 30 - he wanted kids. However over the years this went to being unsure to then thinking he didn’t want them. I thought I’d like kids but didn’t feel in a rush. In mid-late 30s told him I wanted to try. He agreed but then he was experiencing mental health issues and subsequently leaves me at 40. End result is that he meets a much younger woman who he gets pregnant fairly quickly. Currently dealing with grief at what could have been and extreme hurt at what he did. I met another man but due to pain caused by last relationship have found it difficult to have a new relationship. However this lovely man is happy to try for children if it’s what I want but I am now 44.

I thought I would have rather been with my partner and not had children (as I absolutely adored him) than leave and have children with someone else….but then he ended up leaving me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it is possible he may change his mind again - I would chop and change a little and I still do even now. But if he thinks he has made his final decision then yes I think you need to think hard about what is best for
you and what it is you really want.