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Original poster

Partner changed his mind about children

90 replies

Fictionalcharacter28 · 30/09/2023 22:00

I’m 27, have been with my partner (26) for just over 6 years and i moved in with him a few weeks ago.

we’ve had several discussions about the future, and both said we wanted children in the future, probably not until our mid thirties. Admittedly these conversations were very much initiated by me. Today we were out shopping and a parent with screaming child walked past - partner commented ‘god I never want children’ - then changed the subject

when I pushed him on this at home, he said he’d spoken to his neighbour who recently had a baby and was having very little sleep. Therefore decided he no longer wanted children himself- when pushed rated 8/10 certainty but seemed surprised by my reaction (‘why, is it important to you’?)

im devastated, and really angry that he didn’t think this was relevant to tell me before I uprooted my life, moved to a new job and new city where I know nobody to be with him. I probably know what the advice will be, but would really appreciate some advice on what to do next - feel a bit like I’m going crazy

OP posts:

MintJulia · 01/10/2023 02:09

So he's always maintained he wanted children until you moved cities to be with him, and within a few weeks he's openly stating he never wants kids.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. Explain that this is a deal-breaker. 8/10 won't do and he needs to be honest. 26 is still young, but if he can't convince you, you need to accept that you want different things.

At least you have time to rebuild.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2023 02:19

MintJulia · 01/10/2023 02:09

So he's always maintained he wanted children until you moved cities to be with him, and within a few weeks he's openly stating he never wants kids.

At least you have time to rebuild.

This. It's really unforgivable, regardless of anything else.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/10/2023 02:25

I’d break up. It’s very telling that you did not find this out until you had moved and were isolated from friends and family. Also that he didn’t think that your wishes about your life were important enough that he would volunteer information like this. Don’t you think you deserve someone who thinks your wishes and dreams are important. Don’t waste any more time on him

This man may be a dad one day but o don’t think he will be a good one and I think the mother of his child/ren will very much regret having him as her child/rens dad.

GoldenSpangles · 01/10/2023 02:29

He can say all sorts of things about being on board with the children thing and then back out at say 31 when you're about to start trying. He has already baited and switched you once after letting you believe he did want children for six years. I wouldn't trust him. My husband didn't want children. When we talked about getting married I said children were a deal breaker for me and he said he'd rather have me with children than no me and no children. He was absolutely a good father and I knew he'd keep his word because that's the kind of person he is.

I don't think your boyfriend is that type of person. I don't think for a moment that it was a passing conversation with the neighbour which changed his whole life plan. It was just lucky for you that he let it slip now.

You've got time but you must leave now. There are lots of women who post in their mid-thirties when their dragging the chain husband or boyfriend suddenly reveals they don't want children and they are in a very difficult situation. Often these men in a few years do go to have a child rather rapidly with somebody else. Your soon to be ex-partner doesn't want to have a baby with you. I know this is really painful and I found myself in a similar situation as you at the same age and I did find somebody wonderful shortly afterwards.

kamboozled · 01/10/2023 02:30

Playingintheshadow · 01/10/2023 00:50

I don't think I have ever seen anyone say that tbh.

It's perfectly acceptable to have a baby at 38 (or older) but not what most people would aim for, in an ideal world.

Show quote history

I agree, never seen this on mumsnet. It's always "if you are 38 and want to try then go for it!" but it's never "wait until your 38".

I'm 36 and now pregnant, but it's taken two miscarriages and a year of trying first - I'd definitely recommend younger if life permits it

HoneyBadgerMom · 01/10/2023 02:50

Somanycats · 01/10/2023 01:38

38 is not an ideal age to have children. If someone is lucky enough to get pregnant at 38, all power to them but in general it's going to be much harder to become pregnant, to successfully carry a child and to give birth to a healthy child at that age. 19-30 is often cited as the optimum window.

All the time we hear women say "I thought I could have my first baby late 30s-early 40s. If doctors are telling women this, we need to know and report them, because that is a LIE.

I had my first at 37. That is not the norm, it's not advisable. It was a high-risk, geriatric pregnancy (of all the words in the English language, the only word that hurts my feelz more than "fat" is "geriatric").

If you wait until your mid-30s to have children, it might be fine. It was for me, but I only ever wanted one and I was biologically lucky. It is more normal, if you wait that long, to struggle to get pregnant if you can at all, to suffer multiple miscarriages and you have a far greater risk of birth defects. This is science, and it doesn't care about our feelings.

I am constantly amazed at the number of women who take medical advice from non-doctors. If you disagree with my post, I encourage you to speak to a doctor. That's why we have doctors, to help us understand how our bodies work.

Certainly don't listen to people on the internet with agendas.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/10/2023 03:08

It's ridiculous to hold anyone to some declaration they made at the age of 20.

He's entitled to want childfreedom. If you want kids now, find someone who does.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/10/2023 03:09

coxesorangepippin · 01/10/2023 01:41

Well, do whatever you please, but if you want kids you need to be trying to have them by 30 at the latest I'd say. I personally wouldn't hang around with this fella

Do you like your new job?

The assisted fertility industry had certainly done a great job of brainwashing.

OhcantthInkofaname · 01/10/2023 03:16

I'll answer this question with some life experience. Don't wait too long. I am 73. My children are 39 and 43. I wish I had had them sooner.

penpep · 01/10/2023 03:21

I think this is pretty normal for a mid/late 20's man. I was never particularly warm & fuzzy about children until I was 29 and already accidentally was pregnant. Give it time!! But also don't plan to wait until your fertility window is so close to being closed (35+) either!

GoldenSpangles · 01/10/2023 03:47

Don't give it time with this man who has actively misled you for six years and would have gone on doing so except for blurting out something and tipping his hand. I tell my son that if somebody is not the right one, then not to be waste some woman's time for years with her thinking marriage and children is a given because it is a mean thing to do.

MariaVT65 · 01/10/2023 04:46

I think it’s up to you OP and also depends on your circumstances a whole.

From another perspective I think it’s reasonable and acceptable for someone to change their mind about having kids at any time. The baby and toddler years can be incredibly difficult. The lack of sleep first time round made me feel suicidal. Taking toddlers out can be tricky and does often restrict your life for a few years to repetitive stuff like soft play, parks and garden centres. And your money will go on nursery fees. I say this as a parent, it’s perfectly acceptable to not want a life like that once you start to have a better understanding of what it’s really like.

Maybe have another chat with him to see where this is going. Because if he doesn’t want kids as much as you, then you also run a huge risk of feeling like a single parent later down the line with no support.

TangoLikeYouMeanIt · 01/10/2023 05:37

The reason you feel like you're going crazy is because he's gaslighting you - he's acting like you didn't previously have several conversations about children and then faking surprise when you question his (apparently new, different) position. It is no coincidence this is happening now that you have moved - abuse often worsens at points like this in a relationship when they consider you are vulnerable and tied to them and unlikely to leave as they reveal their true selves. Yes you should leave him because he says he doesn't want children, but mostly because he's shown himself to be a bad egg.

cookiedoughdough · 01/10/2023 05:57

If having Children is a dealbreaker for you then I would absolutely have a very frank conversation with him and ask for 100% clarity on his intentions. If it's a definite No to children then I'm sorry but I would break it off. You're so young still and have plenty of time to meet someone new and build your Life together. I didn't meet my DH until I was 29, got married and had 2 Children together a few years after - been together 12 years now. Sorry you're hurting OP, it's pretty crappy of him to mislead you like this

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2023 06:07

From another perspective I think it’s reasonable and acceptable for someone to change their mind about having kids at any time.

Just after your partner upends her entire life to live with you, when you know she wants children? Not that time, I don't think. If you're having doubts you let her know before she gives in her notice.

WandaWonder · 01/10/2023 06:08

TangoLikeYouMeanIt · 01/10/2023 05:37

Or he could just be unsure he wants children, I went through this a lot myself before I was pregnant

There was no gaslight mega conspiracy behind it

Noicant · 01/10/2023 06:15

If having children is very important to you then I would move on tbh.

I did change my mind about kids but it took me many many years and we were probably a bit older than ideal when we had ours. DH would have stayed with me either way but if he had said it was a non negotiable I would have probably told him to find someone else as I was so ambivalent that there was a pretty good chance I would never have had kids.

SilentNightDancer · 01/10/2023 06:20

If you're 26 you are currently in a position to find a single, decent man who comes without too much baggage.

By the time you're in your thirties, the pool is considerably smaller. The decent guys tend to be coupled up or they come with children from a previous relationship.

If you want children to be part of your future, you need to plan for that now (and not waste time with someone who will future-fake you or who can't make up his own mind on whether he wants children).

bluebird3 · 01/10/2023 06:30

I would not want to have kids with someone who doesn't really want them. I think a lot of men at that age might not want them now, but do really want them in the future. If he's saying he never wants them, that says something. Having kids with someone who isn't in it 100% will lead to you doing far more for them and not feeling you have an equal partner in parenthood. So even if he agrees as you want them, I'd still leave to find someone who has the same desire to parent. Especially at your age when you've got time to find someone else.

Ginann · 01/10/2023 06:36

My friend was with a man who was a little younger than her, they got together aged 28 and 25.
She was so lovely and had conversations with him about her never wanting kids. Regularly she reminded him and he did originally want them but accepted she didn't and said it's ok.
They married when they were 36 and 33 and after a year he began pestering her to have dc- she reminded him she never wanted them to which he shared he expected she'd change her mind once married and near the end of her ideal years to be pregnant.

He left her and found someone else.

Ginann · 01/10/2023 06:43

My point being I wouldn't count on him changing his mind.
Be wary if he does change his mind as he then might be lying to keep you.

Honestly, you are more than young enough to leave him and start over and I would do this.

MariePaperRoses · 01/10/2023 06:49

I expect he will change his mind.

Let's face it, if you're childless and see a screaming kid in public, you probably are going to feel negative about starting a family.

His feelings may be based on how he feels his life is going now, which is great.

But, do you want to take that chance in a few years time when your biological click is starting to tick?

Or do you you think it's better to split now and find someone who is already on the same mindset of wanting children in a few years and you won't have the uncertainty of them changing their mind.

Only you can decide.

Personally I have noticed that a lot of the men that say no children all the way through a relationship, end up splitting when the woman has reached the end of the window of opportunity to have children and they take up with a younger female and immediately have children leaving the first wife childless and bewildered.

Covetthee · 01/10/2023 06:56

OP thats so hard for you.

If having Children is what you 100% want then i would seriously re-think the relationship if he is set on not having them.

also don’t put pressure on him to change his mind because being forced into a situation would mean you would end up raising a child on your own as he wouldn’t be as involved in terms of being an equal partner. Not saying you would but i have seen women give ultimatums to their partners and its always backfired

also do not let him dangle the carrot in front of you, if he says we’ll discuss in a year/two after a promotion/bigger house etc then please walk away and don’t waste your best years it limbo because ultimately he won’t change his mind.

TangoLikeYouMeanIt · 01/10/2023 07:56

WandaWonder · 01/10/2023 06:08

Or he could just be unsure he wants children, I went through this a lot myself before I was pregnant

There was no gaslight mega conspiracy behind it

Show quote history

So you repeatedly (during the course of several discussions, over a period of years) told your partner, who you knew full well wanted children, that you DID want children, encouraged.them to relocate for you, in the process changing their job and leaving behind their friends and family to come somewhere where they knew no one but you - and then you told them that you definitely didn't want children?

Because that's what this man has done.

Ofcourseshecan · 01/10/2023 08:27

HoneyBadgerMom · 01/10/2023 00:21

Be glad you found out before you waste any more time on him. Whether or not you have children isn't something that you should count on "working out" later. That's a fundamental value and it's not like you can compromise, you either have children or you don't.

If you want children, walk away now.

This. Don’t gamble on him maybe changing his mind later. And it’s best not to leave it till your mid-30s to start trying to conceive.

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