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Original poster

Boyfriends autism/awkwardness is a turn off

81 replies

Julie5030 · 30/09/2023 02:28

Now I hope to not offend anyone but I have been dating this lovely man (26) for nearly three months now and although he's tall, very good looking, good career, very kind but he is autistic and very awkward. After one month of seeing each other he asked me for a kiss in which I said "of course" but after that kiss I could just tell that he has never kissed a woman before, he never puts his arm around me or touches me and usually he asks if we want to hold hands. Most weekends he just asks me if I want to go for walks or watch a movie at his house while ordering a takewaway rather than going out to restraunts, he has took me to a restraunt but he says that he has never been into eating out.

He has never had a girlfriend before and he also basically pays for everything, he has also spent thousands on me and I just think its a bit too much. In terms of where he gets this money he's an electrical engineer and he has also talked about really wanting kids someday, I think he is a lovely man but he is just too "awkward" and his lack of experience is a massive turn off

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/09/2023 02:31

End the relationship and let him spend his time and money on someone that actually likes him

Channellingsophistication · 30/09/2023 02:34

You need to end it with him. The whole point of dating is to see whether you are compatible and you arent…

truthhurts23 · 30/09/2023 02:35

I agree with the pp , don't waste his time,
he genuinely can not change this aspect of his character because of his neurodiversity
it just sounds like you are incompatible

alpenguin · 30/09/2023 02:36

He deserves better than you. Let him go find someone who appreciates him.

Lyter · 30/09/2023 02:38

My husband and son are autistic. I find my husbands awkwardness really sexy.

He's clever, honest, funny and worships the ground I walk on.

If what you're after is "cool" or "ladies man" you're barking up the wrong tree.

If what you're after is loyalty, love, respect and being treated like gold - then keep dating him.

I'm 7 years in with my husband. He's still a nerd. But my God, he's hot! He still stares at me every time I'm getting changed and smiles.

These people are the best of us. And they're very selective. You should be very flattered he likes you so much.

My husband liked me so much that he left his sisters wedding early to come on a first date because he didn't feel he could wait another week.

If you don't snap him up, someone else will be delighted to be treated like gold. I'd just caution you to try and see this awkwardness for what it is: adorable.

Original poster
Julie5030 · 30/09/2023 02:47

@Lyter im just turned on more by charisma, charm, social skills rather than a mans looks. My current BF is tall, broad shoulders, lean build, thick head of hair, always is well put together but lacks charm, charisma and social skills.

OP posts:
CrappyBarbara · 30/09/2023 02:49

Lyter · 30/09/2023 02:38

My husband and son are autistic. I find my husbands awkwardness really sexy.

He's clever, honest, funny and worships the ground I walk on.

If what you're after is "cool" or "ladies man" you're barking up the wrong tree.

If what you're after is loyalty, love, respect and being treated like gold - then keep dating him.

I'm 7 years in with my husband. He's still a nerd. But my God, he's hot! He still stares at me every time I'm getting changed and smiles.

These people are the best of us. And they're very selective. You should be very flattered he likes you so much.

My husband liked me so much that he left his sisters wedding early to come on a first date because he didn't feel he could wait another week.

If you don't snap him up, someone else will be delighted to be treated like gold. I'd just caution you to try and see this awkwardness for what it is: adorable.

”These people” aren’t all amazing and wonderful. They are human beings, every bit as unique as anyone else. I’m sure your husband is a great person but that doesn’t mean anything about other people with autism. Saying that neurodiversity brings some kind of special magical wonderfulness is just as ignorant as saying the opposite.

shiningstar2 · 30/09/2023 03:37

Been married to a ND man for almost 50 years. When he was a kid there wasn't much on the way of diagnosis for kids like him. Nobody in the family had even heard of aspergers and he was just sent off to a state boarding school for what he described as misfits. He knew he was a bit 'odd' but had no clue how or why so our marriage was a bit of a rollercoaster on the early years. As a teacher I saw a lot of this and, speaking to SEND in my school it definitely seem d that the Asperger's label fitted him. He didn't agree until he found an article on the net himself about ten years ago and suddenly everything in the article fitted and it was a real revaluation to him. The reason I give you all this background is to help you in decisions for yourself going forward. Although he understands his patterns of behaviour, his ...We always do o that on a Wednesday ...mentality now ...there is a lot he can't change even though over many years he has modified some behaviours. He is a lovely guy ...trusting and would give me his last penny. He would stand in front of a terrorist and take a bullet for me ...but that doesn't make in any easier to live with long term and it impacts otherrelationships.
If he is talking families and spending thousands on you he is very serious. That money could be everything he has accumulated over his whole working life because I'm guessing he won't have had many serious girl friends. If you are not serious yourself ...and a long term commitment to a man like him...is only viable if you really love him and go; n with your eyes wide open...then I think you should be thinking of gently moving on. He will be very hurt ...not your fault ...but by your description of your feelings ..you will be less hurt. Unless you are very serious and genuinely think you can have a long term relationship with h, please don't accept thousands from him. He may want to give you generous presents ...but do you want to tak them while you feel like this. Sorry this is so long ...l didn't mean to write a book but I feel for you both. 💐

CurlewKate · 30/09/2023 03:43

@Julie5030 Please don't be guilt tripped into staying in a relationship that isn't making you happy.

GreenWheat · 30/09/2023 03:43

If you feel like this so early on, it's not the relationship for you. End it and move on.

CurlewKate · 30/09/2023 03:47

@Lyter-it's wonderful that you're in a happy relationship. But please don't talk about "these people" in that way. He is Peter, or Fred or whatever his name is. Not one of "these people."

NoMor · 30/09/2023 03:51

It sounds like he's not your type and that's ok. You just need to kindly end it and return all the things he bought you to him and explain he shouldn't spend so much money at the beginning of a relationship, he will be taken advantage of. Women will just stay with him for the stuff and not him and that's not fair.

bemorebernard · 30/09/2023 03:54

Your an idiot but you fell how you feel I guess

Let him move on .

crostini · 30/09/2023 04:01

@Lyter that's great that your husband is like that but not all autistic people will treat their partner 'like gold', and it's damaging to say so. They're not a homogeneous group.
But whilst there are some parts of being autistic that could potentially make someone a good partner, there can also big challenges with being in a relationship with somebody with autism. If someone struggles to see life from another's perspective, there are little things that they might not do for there partner, which can come across as thoughtlessness and lack of effort, which could build resentment and kill a relationship. One has to have a very good understanding of autism and of their partner to make it work. And if someone isn't up for that, that's fine.

romdowa · 30/09/2023 04:03

Even men who aren't autistic can be inexperienced and shy. You want someone with confidence and who knows what they are doing. So it's obviously not going to work

CosmicSoup · 30/09/2023 04:27

Well then, that lack of reciprocity will lead to animosity and looking at other guys with curiosity.

I really did not intend for that to turn into a rap 😄

SD1978 · 30/09/2023 04:31

F you're not attracted to him, but have happily take thousands of pounds from him in gifts, in only three months you're basically a sugar baby........ maybe stop being a pay per view and let him move on?

Beautifulday3 · 30/09/2023 05:33

You will need to show him how to be when it comes to touch etc. In terms of money he is vulnerable again you need to show him what is ok. He doesn’t need to spend in you. If you find him to awkward he isn’t for you. Some would find it endearing.

LemonPeonies · 30/09/2023 06:01

@CosmicSoup 🤣

historygeek · 30/09/2023 06:10

I'm sure I read this a few days ago, written by the man in the relationship?
Apologies if I am wrong.

If you are the guy with autism, then you will find your person, but this isn't her. It sounds to me like you are not compatible. Which is heartbreaking right now, but it will be fine in the long run and there will be theright person out there somewhere.

BettyPhuckzer · 30/09/2023 06:11

Julie5030 · 30/09/2023 02:47

@Lyter im just turned on more by charisma, charm, social skills rather than a mans looks. My current BF is tall, broad shoulders, lean build, thick head of hair, always is well put together but lacks charm, charisma and social skills.

Then find a man more to your taste

BettyPhuckzer · 30/09/2023 06:11

CosmicSoup · 30/09/2023 04:27

Well then, that lack of reciprocity will lead to animosity and looking at other guys with curiosity.

I really did not intend for that to turn into a rap 😄

Brilliant 👏 🤣

PennyFarting1 · 30/09/2023 06:42

I think it's appalling you've let it get this far this long when his disability is an issue for you. I hope he doesn't lose faith in trying again to find love after you. You shouldn't play with people's emotions.

Thehonestybox · 30/09/2023 06:42

The way you describe your 26 year old boyfriend as "tall, broad shouldered and a thick head of hair" sounds like you are his grandma...not his gf.

Watchkeys · 30/09/2023 06:59

How can you accept him spending all that money on you when you know he's not right for you?!

And what kind of answer do you want, if, after 3 months, you don't really fancy someone? D'you think we're going to say 'Couples counselling' or 'pull yourself together, he's a great man'?

If you don't fancy him, date someone else. Why do you feel you need to spend any further time spending his money?

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