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Original poster

Boyfriends autism/awkwardness is a turn off

81 replies

Julie5030 · 30/09/2023 02:28

Now I hope to not offend anyone but I have been dating this lovely man (26) for nearly three months now and although he's tall, very good looking, good career, very kind but he is autistic and very awkward. After one month of seeing each other he asked me for a kiss in which I said "of course" but after that kiss I could just tell that he has never kissed a woman before, he never puts his arm around me or touches me and usually he asks if we want to hold hands. Most weekends he just asks me if I want to go for walks or watch a movie at his house while ordering a takewaway rather than going out to restraunts, he has took me to a restraunt but he says that he has never been into eating out.

He has never had a girlfriend before and he also basically pays for everything, he has also spent thousands on me and I just think its a bit too much. In terms of where he gets this money he's an electrical engineer and he has also talked about really wanting kids someday, I think he is a lovely man but he is just too "awkward" and his lack of experience is a massive turn off

OP posts:
NewName122 · 30/09/2023 09:17

Let him go to find someone who deserves him.

BackAgainstWall · 30/09/2023 09:26

Poor guy.
He sound’s totally my type.

How could you let him spend thousands on you, when you don’t actually like him.

Please don’t do this to him.

Let him down gently and for god’s sake do the right thing and give him back the gifts he’s bought you.

Canisaysomething · 30/09/2023 09:41

You know you don’t need anyone’s permission to end a relationship? You don’t need to justify it in your head or explain it to anyone else. Just end it and find someone more suitable.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 30/09/2023 09:41

Hi there, I can see that you genuinely tried to work out if this is the relationship for you. And it's not. And that's ok. I would urge you to be kind to this man when parting. I remember being the odd child at school and at uni. It's very painful. I eventually met my husband and has been happily married for the last 25 years. He loves me with all my neurodiversity. I wouldn't return his gifts. This would add insult to the injury.

Allthingsdecember · 30/09/2023 09:46

Leave him. He deserves to be with someone who loves him for him… not someone who sees his autism as a negative.

Joy69 · 30/09/2023 09:47

In the nicest possible way I think you should end it. He may always be awkward, maybe that's who he is. Is he different when it's just the two of you together? My partner of 4 years is autistic & finds social events akward unless he/we have chosen them together so he can prepare himself. At the beginning we have left a restaurant because it was too loud without eating. It can be hard work negotiating a relationship with someone with autism, but equally it's hard work for them too & can be mentally exhausting for them.
If you're looking for what societies expectations are within a relationship, this may not be the one for you. Maybe do abit of research before you decide?

Hibiscrubbed · 30/09/2023 09:53

Lyter · 30/09/2023 02:38

My husband and son are autistic. I find my husbands awkwardness really sexy.

He's clever, honest, funny and worships the ground I walk on.

If what you're after is "cool" or "ladies man" you're barking up the wrong tree.

If what you're after is loyalty, love, respect and being treated like gold - then keep dating him.

I'm 7 years in with my husband. He's still a nerd. But my God, he's hot! He still stares at me every time I'm getting changed and smiles.

These people are the best of us. And they're very selective. You should be very flattered he likes you so much.

My husband liked me so much that he left his sisters wedding early to come on a first date because he didn't feel he could wait another week.

If you don't snap him up, someone else will be delighted to be treated like gold. I'd just caution you to try and see this awkwardness for what it is: adorable.

Fuck, this post makes me uncomfortable. It’s like the poster has fetishised autism.

‘These people’? Gross.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 30/09/2023 09:57

Plenty of arseholes out there with lots of experience and charisma take your pick. Finding a good man is like finding a needle in a haystack. Good luck op on your journey. Let him down gently he hasn't treated you poorly.

Scautish · 30/09/2023 10:01

It’s people like you, OP, who make the world so fucking unpleasant at times for us.

you have extracted thousands from him yet have the fucking audacity to come on here and moan about him?

@MNHQ - this is an example of the brazen ableism that is so prevalent on this site. Are you really so lacking in empathy that you can’t see it is an issue??

stayclosetoyourself · 30/09/2023 10:05

Sounds like a disaster and most importantly not at all what you want!
Why have you accepted thousands of pounds in such a short time ?

Therealjudgejudy · 30/09/2023 10:06

Why have you let him spend thousands on you if you feel this way about him?

Have you no shame??

Netcam · 30/09/2023 10:07

Lyter · 30/09/2023 02:38

My husband and son are autistic. I find my husbands awkwardness really sexy.

He's clever, honest, funny and worships the ground I walk on.

If what you're after is "cool" or "ladies man" you're barking up the wrong tree.

If what you're after is loyalty, love, respect and being treated like gold - then keep dating him.

I'm 7 years in with my husband. He's still a nerd. But my God, he's hot! He still stares at me every time I'm getting changed and smiles.

These people are the best of us. And they're very selective. You should be very flattered he likes you so much.

My husband liked me so much that he left his sisters wedding early to come on a first date because he didn't feel he could wait another week.

If you don't snap him up, someone else will be delighted to be treated like gold. I'd just caution you to try and see this awkwardness for what it is: adorable.

Lovely story.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 30/09/2023 10:08

Scautish · 30/09/2023 10:01

It’s people like you, OP, who make the world so fucking unpleasant at times for us.

you have extracted thousands from him yet have the fucking audacity to come on here and moan about him?

@MNHQ - this is an example of the brazen ableism that is so prevalent on this site. Are you really so lacking in empathy that you can’t see it is an issue??

My daughter is generous she bought her ex friend a new bag and a skateboard. The next day he wasn't replying to her messages. I hate people that use. They think they are social creatures when really they are not they lack care and empathy. Finding a good woman or man is like finding a needle in haystack.

Netcam · 30/09/2023 10:09

Carpediemmakeitcount · 30/09/2023 09:57

Plenty of arseholes out there with lots of experience and charisma take your pick. Finding a good man is like finding a needle in a haystack. Good luck op on your journey. Let him down gently he hasn't treated you poorly.

Quite agree. I'm much happier with my 2nd DH who is a bit of an introvert but adores me.

AnnaMagnani · 30/09/2023 10:13

I think you are a fool as he sounds lovely but you need to stop wasting his time.

Alternately you could try communicating with him?

If you don't want him to keep paying for everything then say so. If you want him to improve his kissing technique tell him what you want and practice! Everyone was rubbish the first time they started kissing.

Startingagainandagain · 30/09/2023 10:13

It sounds to me like you don't even like him that much but continued with the charade because he is a nice looking man and pays for everything...

Do him a favour and end this so he can find someone who will like him just the way he is.

If you know that you are attracted by men who are confident and social butterflies then I don't understand why you went for someone completely different and allowed it to carry on that long.

He really deserves someone who won't mess him around.

Sunshinenrain · 30/09/2023 10:20

How has he spent £1000s on you when you’ve only been together 3 months?

You seem very passive.

Why is he always recommending the dates and initiating the kisses?

Why does he always pay for the dates and spend thousands on you?

Most of the stuff you say would be solved if you were to just use your voice and speak first.

Regarding the autism/awkwardness.
Its only been 3 months so it’s possible he’s just still shy around you but my friend has autism and is very awkward with it.

She is honestly the most beautiful person inside and has a lovely personality with no bad bone in her body. I love her so much.
But I couldn’t be in a relationship with her because she’s an extreme introvert and would never go to a pub or restaurant or any sort of activity with too many people there. She can take things really personally and cannot cope with any sort of change. Her car breaking down and the thought of her having to drive another car is enough to spend a week in bed crying.
She has not been at work since the sycamore tree was cut down and she’s just been in bed crying.

I would give it another month.
You need to be much less passive though, as this is probably a turn off for him too.

Then id decide whether this is something you can live with long term or if like my friend, he’s too difficult to have as a partner.

5128gap · 30/09/2023 10:24

His autism is a red herring. Your problem is you're trying to base a relationship on the wrong criteria. Being tall, good-looking and having a good career are pretty worthless if you don't enjoy a man's company, don't want to do the same things when you see each other, and find his sexual inexperience an issue.
There really isn't anything of meaning about this man other than his kindness that you like. Don't waste your time (or insult him) by looking for work arounds or ways to change him just so you can have a tall good looking wealthy boyfriend. Find someone you're compatible with.

TomWambsgansSwans · 30/09/2023 10:25

'@Julie5030' I'm calling bullshit, this is definitely a reverse.

I remember 'your' other thread from last week which was exactly the same and you also spelt 'restraunt' the same way.

Just finish her.

You don't think she finds you attractive, you've only been together three months and you deserve someone who understands and esteems you.

Don't spend any more time or money on her.

ittakes2 · 30/09/2023 10:26

your boyfriend being autistic red herring - you have different values / interests

Highlyflavouredgravy · 30/09/2023 10:29

Hello!!! You didn't like how the other thread went so you're doing it from this point of view now!
Dump him, he's an incel! Hope that helps!

itispersonal · 30/09/2023 10:48

I would break up. If they weren't ASC and didn't spend 1000s on gifts would you still be dating?

I

MoonShinesBright · 30/09/2023 10:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JFDIYOLO · 30/09/2023 11:08

You don't like him very much, and he sounds absolutely lovely. A real life Sheldon. I hope he finds someone more compatible.

RunningOnHope · 30/09/2023 13:24

Julie5030 · 30/09/2023 02:47

@Lyter im just turned on more by charisma, charm, social skills rather than a mans looks. My current BF is tall, broad shoulders, lean build, thick head of hair, always is well put together but lacks charm, charisma and social skills.

You've answered your own question. This is a very new relationship, you've realised you're not attracted to him in key ways, so you kindly and clearly end it.