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Original poster

Boyfriends autism/awkwardness is a turn off

81 replies

Julie5030 · 30/09/2023 02:28

Now I hope to not offend anyone but I have been dating this lovely man (26) for nearly three months now and although he's tall, very good looking, good career, very kind but he is autistic and very awkward. After one month of seeing each other he asked me for a kiss in which I said "of course" but after that kiss I could just tell that he has never kissed a woman before, he never puts his arm around me or touches me and usually he asks if we want to hold hands. Most weekends he just asks me if I want to go for walks or watch a movie at his house while ordering a takewaway rather than going out to restraunts, he has took me to a restraunt but he says that he has never been into eating out.

He has never had a girlfriend before and he also basically pays for everything, he has also spent thousands on me and I just think its a bit too much. In terms of where he gets this money he's an electrical engineer and he has also talked about really wanting kids someday, I think he is a lovely man but he is just too "awkward" and his lack of experience is a massive turn off

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 30/09/2023 07:04

historygeek · 30/09/2023 06:10

I'm sure I read this a few days ago, written by the man in the relationship?
Apologies if I am wrong.

If you are the guy with autism, then you will find your person, but this isn't her. It sounds to me like you are not compatible. Which is heartbreaking right now, but it will be fine in the long run and there will be theright person out there somewhere.

I thought this too.

Lucious1000 · 30/09/2023 07:45

Why do people feel the need to give horrible unproductive responses.

From what I can see the OP is confused. She likes him but at the same time does not like certain things.

OP. It doesn't sound that long term this is going to work out for you. Things could change and you could appreciate him 100% for who he is, but it does look doubtful.

Probably best not to waste any more of your time and his. The longer you delay this the harder it is for you and him.

Out of curiosity. How has he spent 1000's of pounds on you? You should not be accepting this and tell him it's too much and he shouldn't do it or doesn't need to do it. That's just me though, I would feel uncomfortable by this. 1 because it's too much, 2 because I would feel I'm being bought. He probably doesn't mean number 2 in that way though.

TheseLegsDefinitelyUsedToBeLonger · 30/09/2023 07:50

@Lyter what a lovely post! That’s really made me smile x

HeffyAgain · 30/09/2023 07:59

How has he spent thousands on you In three months if you only stay in getting takeaways?

TheThunderer · 30/09/2023 08:12

This is such a weird post.

Why are you going out with him when you find his behaviour unattractive and you know that the "charisma and social skills" you require in a man are not an option here?

How is he "spending thousands" on you when you don't go out? And why are you letting him, when you know you don't want to go out with him?

Whole thing doesn't make any sense.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 30/09/2023 08:34

TheThunderer · 30/09/2023 08:12

This is such a weird post.

Why are you going out with him when you find his behaviour unattractive and you know that the "charisma and social skills" you require in a man are not an option here?

How is he "spending thousands" on you when you don't go out? And why are you letting him, when you know you don't want to go out with him?

Whole thing doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, I smell BS.

CountessKathleen · 30/09/2023 08:39

TheThunderer · 30/09/2023 08:12

This is such a weird post.

Why are you going out with him when you find his behaviour unattractive and you know that the "charisma and social skills" you require in a man are not an option here?

How is he "spending thousands" on you when you don't go out? And why are you letting him, when you know you don't want to go out with him?

Whole thing doesn't make any sense.

This. Basically the OP is saying ‘I don’t find my new boyfriend attractive’. Why are you posting, OP? You don’t need permission to end a brief relationship you’re not happy in.

Olika · 30/09/2023 08:42

Just end it and find someone who you want to be with.

Almondmum · 30/09/2023 08:44

I hope this is a troll because it's disgusting that you've allowed a vulnerable man who you seem to know from the start you weren't attracted to spend thousands on you. Pay him back and leave him alone.

Grimchmas · 30/09/2023 08:49

I think it's appalling you've let it get this far this long when his disability is an issue for you.

Firmly this.

You don't come out of this looking very good OP. You've allowed a man who you know has trouble interpreting unwritten rules to spend 1000s on you when you're not that into him. End the relationship kindly and clearly today so that he doesn't waste more money and emotion on a woman who isn't into him.

My boyfriend who was autistic wanted to buy me all sorts when we went on a date in a shopping mall. I let him buy me a coffee, and I got the next one - I told him buying me the things I said I liked in shops wasn't necessarily and wasn't what I wanted him to do. I told him I liked small thoughtful gestures over grand expensive ones - I told him I liked tulips, and in a seperate conversation the color purple; he turned up with purple tulips the next date.

That's the attentive and perhaps slightly awkward thoughtfulness that I now associate with dating a man who has autism. I fell in love with him, but if it isn't for you, don't be a dick. End the relationship. You don't need mumsnet's permission or to be told how reasonable or unreasonable you are. Go out with somebody whose style of attention is more your cup of tea, and don't keep stringing him along.

WanderingWitches · 30/09/2023 08:50

Why are you taking his money if you aren't attracted to him?
Let the man go and give his gifts back.

obje · 30/09/2023 08:54

Julie5030 · 30/09/2023 02:47

@Lyter im just turned on more by charisma, charm, social skills rather than a mans looks. My current BF is tall, broad shoulders, lean build, thick head of hair, always is well put together but lacks charm, charisma and social skills.

You've literally said yourself he's the opposite of what you find attractive. So why are you with him?

you know you're not attracted to someone you've been dating for 3 months. Hardly a massive deal, just end it? Surely it's that obvious? I don't see the need for a MN post or what you're hoping to get from this?

VeridicalVagabond · 30/09/2023 08:57

@Lyter "these people"?!? Can you not?

Mischance · 30/09/2023 09:00

It is clear that you do not feel he is the right man for you, so you need to let him go so he can find someone else.

ballsdeep · 30/09/2023 09:02

I was about to say the same!!! It’s like you’re describing a dog!!

ballsdeep · 30/09/2023 09:03

@Lyter that’s meant for

coco1 · 30/09/2023 09:03

Whilst you say you don’t mean to offend, you are. You describe him like a catalogue, until th BUT. Some people can be awkward anyway if they’ve never had a relationship, having autism can add another layer to navigate.

There is always a level of each finding out things you like/don’t like in any relationship. It doesn’t sound as if you can invest the the time and effort into this relationship.

If you feel like this, don’t stay with him, but try and find a kind way of ending it. He deserves someone who loves him for who he is, not who he isn’t.

Every person is unique regardless, so even if you were to look up how autism can be for people, it wouldn’t necessarily explain him, although it may help you to understand a some elements.

MyCircumference · 30/09/2023 09:06

why are you letting him spend so much on you?

SnowflakeCity · 30/09/2023 09:06

It's only been a few months, just ditch him and move on if he isn't the one for you.

Thoughtful2355 · 30/09/2023 09:07

Ill take him!!

Spinet · 30/09/2023 09:09

I dislike the way people describe each other like consumables goods these days (women, men, themselves).

But you can finish a relationship for any reason at all. Just be nice about it.

MrsMara · 30/09/2023 09:09

End it because he doesn't deserve you.

Ofcourseshecan · 30/09/2023 09:10

NoMor · 30/09/2023 03:51

It sounds like he's not your type and that's ok. You just need to kindly end it and return all the things he bought you to him and explain he shouldn't spend so much money at the beginning of a relationship, he will be taken advantage of. Women will just stay with him for the stuff and not him and that's not fair.

I agree. He sounds lovely, but needs a woman who would find his harmless awkwardness appealing and enjoy solving his inexperience.

SupportAnimalShelters · 30/09/2023 09:14

He sounds like a really nice guy. Let him go to find someone who he is compatible with. He deserves someone who cares for and appreciates him as he is. I find it bothersome that you've let him spend all that money on you. If there's anything you can give him back, please do. I feel sorry for the poor guy.

DracunculusVulgaris · 30/09/2023 09:16

@historygeek and @ohdamnitjanet , that may have been my recent thread?