When one partner earns more

[Eskimal]

Hi
I’m looking for people in similar situations:
where both partners work and share household/kids duties, but one partner earns significantly more and does all the life admin / carries all the strain and stress. The other partner has very limited career and earning prospects due to lack of education and skills (and no ability to study or learn). I am very conscious now how people from different backgrounds may struggle in marriage when ideally resources are pooled and people need to share the load.

In my case there’s a bit more context. The other partner has severe ADHD and is unable to do any life admin, and simply doesn’t feel stress because they forget things so easily. (When I say severe, I mean severe). ADHD was diagnosed late in life.

how do you share finances when one person contributes almost 100%? Our kids are older and don’t need daytime care, and even then my mum would do it so the partner taking on more household duties is not a viable option to spread the load according to ability. I do most caring duties like homework help and checking in on how they feel, deciding their boundaries as they start having social lives, arranging things with their friends.

Do we both have the equal right to a gym membership, access to a car, money for holidays with friends and meals out with friends?

I am starting to feel resentment that I can’t have the gym membership I’d dearly love to have (to help with stress). Instead I have to go to a cheaper gym with no pool and no yoga so we can both have membership. I drive a rubbish car so that we have the money for 2 cars. I limit how much I can go out so there’s money for him to go out too. I was brought up in a household where equality and fairness were a natural part of the atmosphere.

I make all financial decisions, try to run them by him for info or agreement. He doesn’t know how to read a budget or log into a banking app. He’s impatient so I have to explain things quickly.
Months later he has forgotten I told him and starts ranting and raving about there not being any money to buy new football boots, or how he never agreed to pay so much for kids’ educational things. He has no idea what our mortgage is etc

if we had separate finances then he would have 0 disposal income. What would people do in my situation? I am also considering separation as I am struggling in other areas of our marriage, but that’s for another day. In the meantime what do people think is a fair way to approach spending money and little luxuries like the gym and meals out or a treat to something new in Zara every now and then?

Honestly. I'd divorce. You'd resent supporting someone 100%, especially with everything that comes with it.

Gosh that's a tough one. Has your whole marriage been like this, how did you handle it?

It depends if you get support in other ways, like housework, friendship. Why does he need a car if he doesn't work, for example? And has no money to go anywhere/ put petrol in it? I don't know enough about his diagnosis to help, but expect someone will be along who does.

Why would you stay with this partner?

Quick update to answer questions:
He does work but a very low paid job with infrequent hours / days. He has a car to take kids to sporting commitments. I would love to but I can’t finish work early enough.
it has always been like this but only recently that kids are older do I find myself thinking about me and what I’d like to do with my spare time. I never had time to spend money on myself before now. I love yoga and swimming and it’s good for me as I near peri-menopause.
the qualities of companionship in the marriage are dwindling as he has some issues (abusive childhood etc).

I can't imagine why anyone would settle for/start a family with a man who brings as little to the table as this. I hope you're not married! But I would definitely start reining back his expectations of a 5* lifestyle, cut his lavish pocket money and book the nice gym for myself.

I had a horrible childhood. Both of my parents were violent, manipulative and cruel.

That said, I'm 51 years old. I haven't spoken to either of them since I was 20. It still haunts me, sure. I have nightmares that I'm trapped in that house. I have nightmares that I'm in that house and my son is somewhere and I can't find him. I have serious trust issues and it colors my view of men, certain types of women and definitely of marriage and church.

Those are MY burdens to carry. I don't ask that anyone else deal with them. My problems are MY problems, they're not for my husband to deal with. I don't have much patience for weakness in people, so I'm not always completely fair and I have a tendency to expect others to meet the standards I have set for myself, and I recognize that isn't fair of me either.

I'm just not going to buy that your husband is struggling because he had an abusive childhood. He's struggling and dragging you down with him because that is what he is choosing to do, and what you are choosing to let him do.

Childhood abuse is devastating and not something anyone just "gets over." But strong people deal with it and carve out a life for themselves and shoulder their burdens alone. That he is referencing his difficult childhood to excuse making you miserable sounds very like an excuse to me.

Bear in mind, I'm a stranger on the internet providing unsolicited opinions, so my opinion is worth what you paid for it. 😉 Just my perspective.

If his issues are so severe, can he not be medicated?

I think I’d start from the position of what is fair according to our priorities? What does he value most highly? Is it the gym or something else? i.e. do you both have the gym membership because that is “equal” and therefore “fair”? Or would he prioritise say, weekly football with his team and a regular night down the pub? You should probably have equality in what you can both spend, but it doesn’t have to mean you both have the same gym membership, more that as you cannot have everything you want (most people can’t!) then you choose to spend your equal disposable income on what you personally individually desire most.

Would that help? Or do you feel resentful of him having the same as you because he earns and contributes less all round? In which case you’re probably heading towards divorce…

I feel like you're making a lot of excuses for him. My DH has ADHD and had a traumatic childhood but it's never held him back in life. He's not as educated on paper as I am. I have an honours degree while he left school at 15. Education doesn't always equate to earning potential. Plenty of tradesmen with no school qualifications earning a fortune.

I do most of the household admin because he's useless at forms etc but he does other things so it levels out.

Sounds like your DH doesn't really do much at all and is making no effort to make up the shortfall.

I'd feel resentful too in your position. What's the point of working hard when you can't do the things you enjoy because you're having to support someone who doesn't put in the same effort?

@HoneyBadgerMom that was a really lovely post and I'm sorry you still struggle with the aftermath of abuse.

Do we both have the equal right to a gym membership, access to a car, money for holidays with friends and meals out with friends?

Yes. It's a marriage. I guarantee that 90% of the people who might tell you otherwise would not say it about a woman in your DH's position.

This is really hard. My partner and I have separate finances but we also have commitments that are our individual responsibilities - I pay for specific stuff for my kids and he has property elsewhere which he manages. Neither of us contributes to the others. I earn more but I also have greater financial commitments. I pay for holidays, I pay more of the bills and I've just given him some money towards a new car - I wouldn't "treat" myself to something luxurious knowing that he can't, but I also wouldn't feel I had to balance things if I bought a top from Zara! That said he does contribute domestically - he does the cooking, the food shopping, the school run, I'm away a lot more often than he is for work, often at short notice, and he holds the fort.

@aboutbloodytime123 slightly taken aback your partner contributes nothing towards your children, yet you give him money towards a new car. Why didn't you just bank it for your kids? For driving lessons one day or something? Or would your partner pay for those if you didn't have the money, seeing as how you funded his new car?

I've possibly missed the point but that is how it read to me

Wonder what the responses would be if the OP was male......

Yeah was thinking that also

He doesn't contribute "nothing", he just doesn't pay for these specific costs in the same way that I don't pay for the upkeep for his property. I gave him the money because we are a team, and him holding the fort at home enables me to earn it. If I was a man would this be interpreted differently, I wonder?

For myself, I would tell a man whose wife wasn't contributing that she is not his child, she's an adult, perfectly capable of making a meaningful contribution to the household. If I am understanding correctly, he does some things with the children, but he isn't caring for the children alone so that she can concentrate singularly on her job. If I'm mistaken in that, please do correct me. But I have and will always tell a woman that it is never, EVER a good idea to be submissive or dependent. Ever.

I personally don't get how a family has separate finances. Couples with no children, sure, but when you have children you're not a married couple, you're a family. Everything that everyone does needs to be for the betterment of the family. But that is just how I think things should work, I'm not prepared to make a value judgement for everyone. I'm certainly not perfect, and there are all sorts of ways to make things work.

I'm not sure I understand the gym membership/car situation, it sounds to me like she's saying because he doesn't earn that they can't afford for both of them to have nice cars or both have a nice gym membership. I'm not sure if she's saying she has an old car because if she had a nice one and he had an old one, she would feel bad, or what the deal is there, I'm confused. I will say that it is not at all unusual for the breadwinner to have nicer things than the dependent, women deal with that all the time and always have. Back in the 50s when women weren't allowed to earn, often women didn't have access to a car at all.

I think the difference here is that I’m doing both the traditional male and female roles. I think you’re referring to a woman with traditional housewife duties. I am the housewife and the breadwinner and I feel I need things to help with stress. I am not materialistic but when you’re short on hours in a day and you’re feeling the weight of responsibility, it’s nice to be able to pop to M&S for a salad and steak, or go to a gym with many opportunities to do a yoga class throughout the day .
I earn the money, I manage all the admin (and I mean all), I put dinner in the slow cooker (my job is mostly WFH), I do the washing (he doesn’t “get” the sorting into colours or the dial on the machine. I’m not lying. The ADHD brain tells him to take shortcuts ), I get up in the night if the kids are sick, I do all the homework help (even the homework in my husbands mother tongue), I check in with the kids emotionally - I am always there when they need to talk, i am the gentle parent where he only knows shouting (thanks MIL), I make sure there’s healthy food in the house, I plan the social life/sleepovers, I check I know the parents of the teenage party, I do my bit on the PTA stall at Christmas etc etc. He does the driving to sports training but that’s because I physically can’t as I’m working. Whilst they’re training he does an hour at the gym and the second hour watching match play whilst chatting to the other dads about football. He does the washing up and the bins, he mows the lawn because these are things that he can’t mess up. We share cleaning (he does a bad job and I go round fixing it but I never tell him he’s done a bad job. He thinks what he does is good. Severe ADHD brains cut corners all the time, hence why he’s never been successful working as a trade or trying to study for one.) Things are so bad I have to remind him why we must supervise our youngest cleaning his teeth. People with severe ADHD have absolutely no vision of mid or long term effects, therefore there is no connection in their brain about consequences. He tells the youngest not to bother cleaning his teeth. His ADHD brain is so impatient that it only sees the goal of a child in bed, it can’t work through the steps of bedtime. I mean this with all sincerity. The most extreme spectrum of autism is a child who is non-verbal. The most extreme spectrum of ADHD is a person who has no vision of consequences.
I feel like if he was physically disabled I wouldn’t hesitate to care for him and share everything. I feel guilty that he is mentally disabled and I can’t cope with the resentment I feel. This is not helped by his emotionally manipulative character.

ADHD can bring challenges to marriage. My DH was also diagnosed late. For me, the decider is whether they are willing to work on it and make an effort.

I don't think the mismatch in earnings is an issue if the other person is contributing in other ways to the marriage, so things are balanced out. We see it that both partners should be equal and share all resources but I do think we have the balance of responsibilities that should accompany that in our marriage.

Why did you have children with a man you clearly don’t respect? Would you be happier apart?

Honestly it sounds as if the precise gym membership you can afford is the least of your issues. Are you married?

As someone with chronic pain and autoimmune disease married to someone with ASD and ADHD, and having read your latest update I still think you are making a lot of excuses for him.

Something DH and I always say is that what each of us have is a reason not an excuse. If he knows what makes tasks in life harder for him (the adhd) then he needs to develop coping mechanisms, not just opt out and leave everything to you. Maybe he needs a visual guide, or to use pomodoro techniques. Obviously there are some limitations (can’t climb stairs in a wheelchair) but it sounds like he is not developing any coping mechanisms at all and you have accepted this.

I totally agree with this post. Adhd definitely not an excuse as he's not trying to learn any coping strategies at all by the sounds of things. You're better off without him.

My earnings only go so far after school fees, bills, mortgage etc. I enjoy my job. I do not think I’m so great as one nasty person has suggested here. I actually suffer from poor self-esteem and I also had a difficult childhood with traumatic experiences of death and addiction. I didn’t feel the need to share that until I read some really nasty comments.
I am the only one who knows our financial position. I work to a tight budget (hence the slow cooker) and prioritise our lives as I see fit because I’m the only one interested in admin. For example I save a little bit each month to a family holiday fund (normally a eurocamp style holiday to Spain or France). The local leisure centre has a ok gym but no good yoga classes. The local private gym has a pool and regular yoga throughout the day. The private gym is twice the price of the local leisure centre. I was raised to respect equality and share. Swimming and yoga are my escape, they are great for my mental health but they are more expensive than a leisure centre gym. In the spirit of us both having a right to exercise I go for the local leisure centre option for both of us.
we both drive fairly simple but reliable cars, worth about 8k each, bought second hand.
I am tired and resentful that we have a fairly nice life because I have the ability to budget wisely yet he criticises my decisions when he’s angry.

I wanted to hear from people where one partner earns significantly more. How do you agree on disposable income? How do you discuss finances?

If you’re going to bother typing at least say something intelligent. I do not think I’m so great. But I do think you’re a knob.