When one partner earns more

[Eskimal]

Hi
I’m looking for people in similar situations:
where both partners work and share household/kids duties, but one partner earns significantly more and does all the life admin / carries all the strain and stress. The other partner has very limited career and earning prospects due to lack of education and skills (and no ability to study or learn). I am very conscious now how people from different backgrounds may struggle in marriage when ideally resources are pooled and people need to share the load.

In my case there’s a bit more context. The other partner has severe ADHD and is unable to do any life admin, and simply doesn’t feel stress because they forget things so easily. (When I say severe, I mean severe). ADHD was diagnosed late in life.

how do you share finances when one person contributes almost 100%? Our kids are older and don’t need daytime care, and even then my mum would do it so the partner taking on more household duties is not a viable option to spread the load according to ability. I do most caring duties like homework help and checking in on how they feel, deciding their boundaries as they start having social lives, arranging things with their friends.

Do we both have the equal right to a gym membership, access to a car, money for holidays with friends and meals out with friends?

I am starting to feel resentment that I can’t have the gym membership I’d dearly love to have (to help with stress). Instead I have to go to a cheaper gym with no pool and no yoga so we can both have membership. I drive a rubbish car so that we have the money for 2 cars. I limit how much I can go out so there’s money for him to go out too. I was brought up in a household where equality and fairness were a natural part of the atmosphere.

I make all financial decisions, try to run them by him for info or agreement. He doesn’t know how to read a budget or log into a banking app. He’s impatient so I have to explain things quickly.
Months later he has forgotten I told him and starts ranting and raving about there not being any money to buy new football boots, or how he never agreed to pay so much for kids’ educational things. He has no idea what our mortgage is etc

if we had separate finances then he would have 0 disposal income. What would people do in my situation? I am also considering separation as I am struggling in other areas of our marriage, but that’s for another day. In the meantime what do people think is a fair way to approach spending money and little luxuries like the gym and meals out or a treat to something new in Zara every now and then?

Regardless of income he needs to contribute. Right now he’s not contributing.

I’m sorry OP, I would look to leave this relationship.

I like to think the outrage would be at the whatever the female equivalent of the cocklodger is.
One person having total responsibility for household earnings and all of child/home admin responsibility? And the other does all the fun stuff (but only for themselves) not on.

This isn’t about how to share finances. I’d divorce him. Yes, you’ll probably lose a lot in th financial settlement but at least you won’t be supporting him going forward. He’s contributing nothing.

When we married I earned significantly more than DH until I got pregnant with a complicated pregnancy. I also did mental load, housework at that point as didn’t realise till recently how overwhelmed I was trying to juggle everything. Since then he has earned significantly more than me.

since marriage all wages go in a joint account but each month we get an “allowance” each…the sum has changed over the years but we both get the same amount… this is for us to spend as we want…clothes, lunches with friends etc. I saved up mine recently for a weekend away with friends for example.

Now my husband works long hours, but I do the mental load, 80% of the childcare, cooking and cleaning so a different situation from yours. BUT I’d be annoyed if he said I got less money for my leisure than him…
however he recently asked about getting something for a current hobby that was very expensive and because it was important to him and I want to support his quest to stay healthy he took the money from our “joint” money….
so although I think it’s good to be fair…if a gym membership and yoga classes would make a difference to you and your mental/physical health maybe worth discussing it.

And potentially consider where else could you save money to facilitate it?

the only thing that gave me pause is in your post when you say he shouts at you about choices you’ve made (even though he doesn’t participate in them)…
that’s so unfair.
he either helps make the decisions or he is grateful that you’re keeping the house going within budget. If he’s unhappy I’d expect a calm discussion not to be shouted at!
it sounds like you would both benefit from therapy tbh to deal with your past and how that’s impactin your now. Just something to consider x

I earn slightly less than half what my DH earns so quite a big disparity.

We have 2 cars one old one newer and we chop and change who drives which one.
All money goes in the family pot (have 2 DC).

I earn less but I work full time and have in the past taken on extra work in order to overpay the mortgage to get it paid off in time for the costs of kids going to uni.

I do all banking, admin, etc and I do a lot more cooking and cleaning. We all pitch in on laundry. I also do more emotional support of the DC and wider family.

So I think it's pretty fair. My DH does longer hours and has more work stress but earns more. I do fewer hours (but still full time), have less stress, earn less but pick up more home stuff.

Works for us. But it works because when you look at the whole picture we are both doing a lot and (cheerfully) contributing a lot to the family. If either one of us was expecting the other to be both breadwinner and home caretaker it wouldn't be fair.

Sorry but your husband sounds like a cock lodger. Is his ADHD officially diagnosed and being supported / treated by a medical professional?

In your shoes, unless he is prepared to follow medical advice, put in place coping strategies and contribute properly to the family (either by earning more or by doing more home / child care) I would be putting in place a plan to divorce him. You can be a free spirit who lets your ADHD control your own life if you choose but that has to stop once you become a husband and a father.

If you’re married (a financial partnership) then money is shared.

You can’t fix inequality of effort by making access to finances/resources unequal.

What you could do is have a conversation where you say to him ‘Swimming and yoga are my escape, they are great for my mental health and I’m feeling very stressed by all the responsibilities I have. I’d like to change my gym membership to X place but it costs £XXX. I think I’d really get value from it though. Are you happy with Y place - it’s convenient for you when you drop DC at training. If you wanted to change too we’d have to cut back a lot on X, Y, Z.’

He sounds quite disabled by his ADHD. Have you looked into disability benefits, or anything like that? It might help the income disparity slightly.

the gym membership is not the central issue here- it’s just an example of how I compromise my own desires.

The central issue is the resentment you feel.

my question here was really about hearing from other couples where there’s a big disparity in income. And how they manage (or don’t manage).

People manage by sharing, or having similar disposable income to spend as they please, from which one person can choose a fancy gym and the other might choose expensive hobby equipment. And by discussing financial decisions together.

You aren’t managing (feeling the resentment) because despite trying to ‘do the right thing’ by being fair, transparent and communicating about money decisions, your husband shouts at you and demands more more more for much less than he contributes.

You have to deal with the resentment. How you do that is to decide if you can stay in this marriage, and if you can, what you need to do so. Counselling will help.

We had a pretty significant disparity in income after our first DC. Our finances are fully pooled and we have an equal financial "personal allowance" that covers all personal discretionary spending like gym, clothes, etc. If we both actually needed a car for work or life (we don't ) I think we'd agree equivalent budgets for each car. But we are and always have been equal partners in the marriage, and when I wasn't working FT and was earning much less I was doing more with the DC.

It's pretty clear you want people to say you should get more of the money because he doesn't "earn" it. But that isn't how marriage works. A marriage is one legal and financial unit where all members should be equal and both adult partners should have the same standard of living. That's literally the point of a formal, legal commitment. I don't blame you for not being happy, at all, but I think if you're no longer willing to do that, you need to take the step of ending the marriage.

You could try what we do and allocate each of you a personal, individual budget to include things like gyms and spend it how you please, although would he even be capable of thinking on that level? Although, alternatively, if he chose to blow his straightaway on something stupid, would that be your problem?

Speak for yourself. God theres a lot of people here today who want to focus on some poor hypothetical man rather than on the woman who posted. Many who think they have the psychic ability to predict what people they’ve never even spoken to, would say to this mythical man. 🙄

To focus on you OP, what’s keeping you with him?

I wonder if you are putting the cart before the horse really OP. This is the displaced focus because it is easily quantifiable/measured but the actual issue is the poor quality marriage.

I would focus on the marriage and acknowledge in yourself that the resentment is seeping into other areas of your life. Do you have any forum where things can actually be discussed? Does he acknowledge what is happening?

Oh OP. Your post resonated really strongly for me as my best friend is in this exact same position. She’s got a great, well paid job (which she worked her butt off to get), does all the childcare outside of working hours, all the house/life admin, 90% of the housework, general on around 5-6 hours of shit sleep as her kids wake up a LOT. Her husband, on the other hand, works two days a week after years of not working (he only got a job when she threatened to leave him) and otherwise helps as little as possible. He’s a “great dad” when it comes to playing football, discussing fun science stuff, buying fancy birthday gifts etc. However she’ll come home from work at 4pm and both kids will have been watching telly nearly all day and have had no naps and no lunch. I very strongly suspect he has ADHD (lots of classic symptoms) but she’s not interested in discussing it with him as she doesn’t think he’d change his behaviour or accept medication.

Living with someone who doesn’t pull their weight is draining. However, the thing that upsets her - and the reason why I pray for the day that she leaves him - is that he doesn’t at all appreciate how much she does and is often critical or emotionally manipulative towards her. Basically his ADHD means that he struggles with time keeping, organisation, remembering to feed the kids etc. However, he also happens to be a selfish, lazy arsehole who constantly puts her down in little subtle ways so that she’ll never leave him. Little snippets from your posts make me worry that your husband is the same.

OP, please get that fancy gym membership and some counselling too. Use those little freedoms to give yourself the time, space and self love that you need to think about what you get out of your marriage and what you see your future looking like. I think that you’re doing a bloody amazing job, you deserve to be with someone who tells you that every day.

OP in practical terms you are basically me! My DH has some mental health issues (as well as very likely undiagnosed autism and ADHD - this isn't just me guessing, pretty much all of his friends and family believe this to be the case) which mean that he really struggles with full time work - he has had full on breakdowns previously. He works PT in a very low responsibility NMW job, whereas I am on six figures (just!) in a high pressure job. Like you, I WFH and do the bulk of house stuff like cooking, tidying etc (he will do stuff if I tell him what to do, but doesn't 'see' mess etc and like your DH I tend to end up having to fix it anyway while he thinks he's done a great job!). We ended up getting a cleaner (and a dishwasher!) purely because I was getting so resentful at having to tidy/cook/wash up etc after a long hard day. I also do all life admin and handle our money.

The way we approach money is that our respective salaries go into our own accounts and then DH asks whenever he needs me to transfer him extra. I pay all the bills. I was really uncomfortable with this initially as it felt infantilising/borderline financially abusive and controlling on my part. However he insisted as he is utterly awful with money - if he has money in his account it will get spent. He is incapable of budgeting and forward planning, to the point that when we first met he had a small inheritance (under 10k) which his dad was holding onto for him as he knew himself that he couldn't be trusted with it.

Not going to lie, at times this has caused issues between us. It's hard not to feel resentful occasionally when you are contributing basically everything financially and practically. And there have been times when I have had to put my foot down (like your DH mine is a social butterfly and also overly generous - fine if he was earning the money but I'm not up for him buying rounds for all his friends in the pub on a weekday afternoon while I'm still sat at the computer working and also trying to plan what to make for dinner!).

Like you I was raised to believe in equality in everything and that marriage meant all was to be shared (my mum was a SAHM and that's how it worked for my parents). But in a situation like this I do feel like sometimes the fact that I do work so hard (both at actual work and in terms of life admin etc) means I shouldn't have to deny myself treats. So if I want a nice haircut vs his 10 quid trim or whatever, or want to sign up for yoga classes etc I don't think twice. I wouldn't feel comfortable with extra meals out etc but again I wouldn't think twice about popping into M&S and getting something nice for my lunch (obviously if DH was at home I'd get him the same!). I also treat DH a lot (we're currently on holiday for his birthday to a place he's always wanted to go and would never have been able to afford). We also have a policy of not spending more than £100 on a single item or subscription without running it past the other person, but realistically it's very rare that I object and he never does.

I think the reason I don't (mostly!) feel resentful is because he gives so much in other ways. I have my own issues with mental health and trauma from previous abuse and my DH is my 'safe place' I suppose, he absolutely supports and loves me and is the only one that can help and talk me through it when I'm having a shitty time mentally. We also have amazing chemistry and similar interests and senses of humour and can laugh and chat for hours in a way I've never experienced before with anyone. Yes he can sometimes be selfish and a bit crap generally (more through lack of thought than intentionally) but what he gives me emotionally makes up for everything. Plus he does completely recognise and appreciate what I contribute. It doesn't sound like your relationship with your DH is like this... It's obviously complicated by the fact you have kids (we're childfree by choice) but in all honesty if I didn't get what I do get from this relationship I would have left long ago.

You ask how do couples with vastly different incomes manage.

My DH earns about 5x more than I do. But in order to do this, it means he works long hours out of the home. I work school hours round the corner from our house.

So naturally I do the lion's share of the admin, DC's social calendar, shopping, cooking, laundry, taxiing, etc. When DH is here he's happy to roll his sleeves up and chip in.

Sounds like your DH doesn't contribute anything other than occasional lifts to sports clubs?

What's the point of him? He's just one more dependant for you to provide for.

And ADHD does not excuse his shouting at the kids or emotionally manipulating you. That's just him being a prick.

Oh I would. It's not up to you to say what others would say. It's very likely in most marriages if one partner worked outside the house more the other would take on board the lion's share domestically so it would be equal. In the OPs case, she's literally doing everything

Is he on meds? Is he claiming pip ? I'd expect both of these if he is so severely incapacitated by his condition.

@WandaWonder
Exactly the same. If one person is not contributing at all then they tend to be called out on MN regardless of sex. Usually when the conversation is reversed, the woman is doing the lion's share of domestic work which is her contribution and her dh doesn't value it. In the OPs situation, she is doing everything. Can you not see the difference really??

OP...His first language isn’t English and he never got past the equivalent of our year 10 so for a long time I thought the problem was his confidence. It was only about 5 years ago I realised it was ADHD.
It's not the ADHD. Many in fact most people with ADHD find a way to contribute. He's just a lazy arse who has zero motivation to change as you make it too easy for him. Adhd doesn't stop you learning how to sort laundry or waking for a needy child. Stop making excuses.

For me, marriage/partnership equates to equality, regardless of who "contributes" more. Did you not consider/agree the disparity before you committed to each other? I'd never have got seriously involved with someone who wasn't on the same page as me, and we thrashed everything like this out long before we married/bought a house/children together. Over the years, there've been times when I've contributed more, other times when I've contributed nothing, but we never even considered splitting costs/savings other than equally.

But the OP clearly doesn't want equality, which is fair enough, her prerogative, she needs to "negotiate" changes with her partner, and if he doesn't like it, then it's time for separation I'd say as they're clearly not on the same page.

I think the 2 issues should be looked at separately but then how they overlap.

1. in a marriage I think all income should be family money and both partners should enjoy equally.
2. are you in a happy marriage? If yes then the above is fine. If not then the finances are going to be an issue.

I would be fine with proving everything I have for the whole family to enjoy equally.

I would not be happy being married to someone who you’re describing.

I've been in a position similar to this in the sense of sole earner for around 10 years. Things went wrong for other reasons, finances weren't a problem. I did wish she had a job, but not for the impact on me. I wanted her to have more of the things she liked and greater independence. The relationship not working had nothing to do with the financial inequality. She brought things to the table, as people describe it, in other ways that I appreciated.

I think this man is taking the piss beyond what can be explained by medical issues

You seem to value money as the only contribution. The OPs dh doesn't contribute in any way other than a little bit of childcare. OP does EVERYTHING. Some of us see contribution to a marriage as being all the aspects of life, financial, domestic, emotional ... everything. You may be happy to do 99% of all contributions but most wouldn't be.

Thank you all for your comments. I have a lot to think about.
I’ll leave you with an example. My husband has gone shopping to get football boots for the eldest and a gift for a party that the youngest is going to tomorrow.
I laid out the info in the family WhatsApp in our home language (his mother tongue) with key words on both languages. The instructions were things like:
try on the football boots with football socks.
There’s an Aldi next to the car park. if they’re hungry they can get something to keep them going until dinner (eg Banaba, yoghurt pouch, bakery item).
buy a barbie between £10-£15. Ask for a gift receipt at the til. [gift receipt in both languages so he uses the correct words at the til].

my eldest has called me because my husband is in the top shop and thinks he needs to buy a barbie and also a gift voucher for £15.

Severe ADHD brains work at 100 mph and they make assumptions instead of reading something twice. Nobody tells a non-verbal autistic person to speak just because a ND person can speak. Just as I can’t get angry with my husband for not reading an instruction because his brain can’t do it and mine can.

the barbie and gift voucher is a minor example… but there are many many instances where the issue of not being able to remember or understand an instruction has had major consequences.
throwing away money and diamonds we had hidden at home
booking expensive non-refundable flights on the wrong day and month
getting scammed by a person selling cheap overseas calls and losing £600
losing bags and coats every time he went to the park (not the odd occasion).
Throwing away passports and important ID cards (put in glovebox without considering if it was a good place. The next day deciding to clean the whole car without checking what was in his hand as he tossed it in a rubbish bag, nor remembering the day before he’d put important stuff in the glovebox).
Throwing away a pile of household filing I hadn’t had a chance to finish sorting (breastfed child woke up so I had to stop what I was doing, and I fell asleep whilst getting him back to sleep). The next morning my husband threw it all into the recycling whilst I was having a lie-in. No recollection that I was sat sorting through it the night before.

Nobody would do any of these things on purpose or because they are lazy. I hope it’s an insight to life with severe ADHD. I see the pain in his face every time he’s told of another thing he’s messed up.

Bollocks. One partner doing next to nothing is grossly unfair and you know it.

I really feel for you. I don’t think this post has anything to do with money. I think you have been under severe stress for a long time and have reached the end of your tether. We have neurodiversity in our house too and it massively increases workload in areas people can’t imagine. Gift yourself the yoga and swimming. I would also suggest finding a good therapist. It could be your lifeline. You need to offload regularly outside the home if you intend on keeping the family unit together. Ultimately though, you are under no obligation to stay together if the love is gone. Best wishes xx