When one partner earns more

[Eskimal]

Hi
I’m looking for people in similar situations:
where both partners work and share household/kids duties, but one partner earns significantly more and does all the life admin / carries all the strain and stress. The other partner has very limited career and earning prospects due to lack of education and skills (and no ability to study or learn). I am very conscious now how people from different backgrounds may struggle in marriage when ideally resources are pooled and people need to share the load.

In my case there’s a bit more context. The other partner has severe ADHD and is unable to do any life admin, and simply doesn’t feel stress because they forget things so easily. (When I say severe, I mean severe). ADHD was diagnosed late in life.

how do you share finances when one person contributes almost 100%? Our kids are older and don’t need daytime care, and even then my mum would do it so the partner taking on more household duties is not a viable option to spread the load according to ability. I do most caring duties like homework help and checking in on how they feel, deciding their boundaries as they start having social lives, arranging things with their friends.

Do we both have the equal right to a gym membership, access to a car, money for holidays with friends and meals out with friends?

I am starting to feel resentment that I can’t have the gym membership I’d dearly love to have (to help with stress). Instead I have to go to a cheaper gym with no pool and no yoga so we can both have membership. I drive a rubbish car so that we have the money for 2 cars. I limit how much I can go out so there’s money for him to go out too. I was brought up in a household where equality and fairness were a natural part of the atmosphere.

I make all financial decisions, try to run them by him for info or agreement. He doesn’t know how to read a budget or log into a banking app. He’s impatient so I have to explain things quickly.
Months later he has forgotten I told him and starts ranting and raving about there not being any money to buy new football boots, or how he never agreed to pay so much for kids’ educational things. He has no idea what our mortgage is etc

if we had separate finances then he would have 0 disposal income. What would people do in my situation? I am also considering separation as I am struggling in other areas of our marriage, but that’s for another day. In the meantime what do people think is a fair way to approach spending money and little luxuries like the gym and meals out or a treat to something new in Zara every now and then?

Ugh, I'd not be with him in the first place. He sounds repulsive.

My husband earns 3-4 times what I earn on average. He is commission sales and I am salaried. My job provides a stable, regular income and health insurance and his provides a higher overall income.

When we met, he had just started a new career. I was stable in mine. For 6-7 years, I made more money than him. Then he passed me and within a couple more years it was exponentially higher.

Before we married, we talked about money. He believes we are a team, and it's "our" money. Now, I don't see it that way, his money is his money, and I realize that. I couldn't afford our new house or most of our lifestyle without his income, so all these things belong to him. He's also taken my retirement and combined it with his, it's now a substantial amount and I consider all of that to be his money.

As far as the day to day, if I'm buying something over a couple hundred dollars, I will let him know that's what I want to spend and basically ask if we can afford that. He doesn't typically say anything to me about his purchases, which are substantially higher. Wine, custom knives, guns, he buys those things without talking to me. But thing is, I know him, he won't overspend. Frankly, I'm so stupid and trusting that I've let him manage the money (we're in GREAT financial shape, we just built a new house in a terrible economy so we have more debt than normal but we are very comfortable) and I really let him keep track of it because he's a finance guy and likes doing it. That's my fault, though.

So the reality I'm in today is that we don't have separate disposable income. We have disposable income, and while he doesn't let me know when he's spending, he's told me that I don't need to "ask" to spend money. I don't feel like I'm asking permission, I'm checking to be sure we can shoulder a cost before I spend what I personally consider to be a lot.

Does that help at all? It's kinda long and rambly. I will say this: once he passed me and starting making more money than me, I felt like he somehow was more relaxed. He's a real alpha male (not an emotionally stunted Andrew Tate jerkoff man child dickwad acting like an ass and calling himself "alpha") so he doesn't need to dominate me but he does feel like he should "take care" of his family. And he does, very, very well. What he does for us is so much more important than money. We are safe with him.

The gym is not the issue. The issue is he brings nothing to the marriage. Absolutely nothing.
Everybody has to bring something. Not necessarily money. But something!

You still haven't answered if he's had any type of treatment.

Money is not your problem. He needs intensive treatment and very likely medication for his adhd and other mental health issues, since I highly doubt that adhd is the only thing going on here. You're not married to a functional adult, and the least he should do is take positive steps toward becoming one.

Imagine if a man wrote this.

he is on a waiting list. He was initially very reluctant to accept diagnosis. He was diagnosed in his own country a few years ago via zoom but in the UK he needs diagnosis here before they will prescribe. I listen to a lot of Dr Barkley podcasts so I have learned a little bit about what might be offered to him once he gets the appointment

I think you should find a way to get your gym membership even if it means your DH goes without some spending money.

I have an expensive gym membership and I am the primary breadwinner (different circumstances, my DH does all the life admin etc). We take my gym membership out of the bills money as our theory is that we are investing into my health/our future. It means I can be healthier, live longer (and therefore continue to work for longer). If you look at it that way, your gym membership is a good investment!

OP I've read your posts, but not all the other responses.

I stayed in a relationship for a longer time than I should have because my ex has autism. I used the same reasoning as you: his brain works differently, it's a disability so he can't help it, plus, look at what he can do rather than can't, focus on the positives.

These are all correct ways to look at it when the emotional dynamics and mental load are more balanced, like in a friendship.

But you're in an entirely different sort of relationship, one where what people experience in interactions with him outside are in no way mirrored with what happens behind closed doors.

The bottom line here is you. You need to prioritise yourself. You're talking a lot about him, explaining his way of thinking. It's a form of justification. In a friendship that's ok. In an intimate partnership it acts as relegating your thoughts and feelings to second place. You're adapting for someone else, which is normal in an intimate partnership, but when it's only you, all the time, it's not healthy for you.

You're asking what other relationships with income disparities do, yet that's a false comparison, because of the reason behind the disparity.

You are allowed to put yourself first. You're allowed to not be married to someone who doesn't make you happy. You're also allowed to want a partner and not be a (mental) carer. It doesn't make you a bad person at all.

He's not more important than you because he has ADHD and a worse childhood than you. Neurodiversity isn't a trump card. People don't have to accept being hurt by another person because s/he is neurodiverse, even when the neurodiversity means they do not realise or intend they're hurting someone until it's pointed out. And especially when that's a pattern over years that the person can't or won't alter.

The bottom line is that you're not compatible. What you both want, expect and need from a real action ship appear to be different. That's ok. It's ok whatever the reasons and whether one partner has severe ADHD, or not.

The gym membership is not the real issue, the income isn't really the real issue. You're afraid of facing the real issue head on, so this is a stand-in. In the long term, it's just wasting your time.

Every time you find yourself making an excuse for his behaviour in your thoughts, make an excuse for yours too.

Put yourself first in your mind, because he's first in his. The reason for that deserves compassion but the reality is that if you don't focus on your needs, they simply cease to exist in the relationship. You need to advocate for yourself in your own head, because right now you're advocating for him every time you justify his behaviour. I know he can't help it, but that fact doesn't outweigh your right to get your own needs met.

I think money in a marriage should be shared but equally I think both partners in a marriage should be pulling their weight. It may be in different areas but one person shouldn’t be taking the load. It’s different when you know your partner is trying their best even if they don’t get it right sometimes but tbh if you feel like he’s not even trying then perhaps the relationship has reached the end of the road.

This comment has been already been made. Many of us have replied and said the same thing: if a man was doing all the paid work and all the domestic work and taking all the mental load then we would be telling him to leave as the woman wasn't pulling her weight in the relationship.

To answer your specific question about finances we have one joint account and use it how we like. My DH earned significantly more than me but there was no 'his' or 'hers' money. Obviously we were both sensible with money, never go overdrawn and crucially have similar spending habits but my DH would never 'deny' me anything just because he earned more. Any major purchases (car, holiday etc) would be discussed and agreed jointly.

I think your issues go well beyond how you share finances.

I earn considerably more than DH. I wouldn’t say I’m the breadwinner but we wouldn’t have the standard of life/income we have today if it wasn’t for my income. But I always buy what I want if I want it. I will always buy the bag I want, the clothes I want and go to the nicer gym as I prefer it there. This does not mean I spend excessively but I point blank refuse to not buy something I really like or not go to somewhere I really want to go to. I pay a lot of outgoings but not to the extent that it prevents me from enjoying the life I want.

Hello @Eskimal

VERY similar situation here. I earn 80k. My DH earns £28k. When we met 6 years ago we were earning the same (50k each). He said he couldn't cope with work because of anxiety and took a less stressful job. His boss started talking about promotion recently but H tells me can't go for it because he's too anxious. He also encourages/tells me to get another job again to get close to 100k I think so he can give up work entirely. I still do all the mental load, all the housework (we don't have a cleaner) and 70% of the childcare. He can't cope with mental load seemingly and he could do more housework but doesn't. He says he's v tired after work and he does play with kids in evening.

There is a lot of resentment. A lot. I would split but I risk losing my home and my kids becsuse of our finances. So I feel v v stuck

Practically I manage all the finances myself. He doesn't get involved. He gives me a few hundred quid each month. Sometimes 800, sometimes 500. He isn't a huge spender but he promises me this is all he can afford. I manage mortgage, bills and all major outgoings like fixing boilers or holidays.

He has a go at me for buying too much stuff (mostly things for kids) and I really hate that. I'm in control of the finances but he's on the sidelines telling me I'm doing it wrong. He also gets v anxious say if something breaks in the house and starts stressing about money which I find irritating because it's all on me really.

Separate bank accounts. His bank account is for his own personal life. My bank account is for my personal life and the house. He transfers what he can to me each month. I don't want to get joint because I don't want him seeing what I'm spending on coffee or the odd nice thing as he will bring it up.

@PostOpOp wow. Your comments are going to stay with me for a long time. So true and makes so much sense.

Op - listen to that advice. I need to listen to that advice too as in v similar situation.

OP you say you listen to podcasts to understand ND etc and sounds like you're so invested in understanding him. I just wonder if he is investing the same time to work out what u need and want.

Every time I encourage H he says "what about my anxiety?" And it just shuts the conversation down. It's not fair.

This is such a lazy, stupid comment. When threads are about financial inequality and the woman is the lower earner or not earning the outrage will be if she is:

• doing all the housework and doing all the childcare eg unpaid domestic labour that benefits him
• has compromised or sacrificed her earning potential due to having his children
• is going without while he is living a much nicer lifestyle than her

In this case, the OP is:

• earning all the money AND doing all the domestic work and organisation
• has had to get her mother to step in to care for the children so she can earn while he contributes almost nothing financially, domestically or practically
• is sharing money with him equally and compromising what she wants so he can have whatever he wants while doing nothing, paid or unpaid, to help support their lifestyle.

A very different scenario that only someone with the tedious agenda of crying about man-haters on Mumsnet could totally fail to understand. Unfortunately there are a few!

I earn considerably less than my husband but all our money goes into one account. We discuss any big purchases but don't have set amount of disposable each, we just keep an eye on our banking app so we can budget as the month goes on.

My parents were not dissimilar and my dad spent and spent and spent with no real idea of the consequences. He was quick to temper if he was challenged.

Having this around your children is not healthy.

The problem you will have (and this is what my mum faced) is that you will end up having to fund him even if you split.

In the meantime though it's time for a serious talk and you start to get a lot more of what you want and need.

Aside from all the issues do you get on? Do you love him? Honestly he sounds a bit thick - adhd doesn't make you thick. In fact one of my best friends is severely ADHD, but is still very bright and able to use strategies to get through the more mundane tasks.

Op - you may find that medication makes enough of a difference that your DH is able to start taking more responsibility for household tasks.

This ^ (and I'm in the same position as the OP)

I think both partners in a marriage should have equal rights. I earn far less than my DH, and I do have equal access to money. But I also think both partners need to pull their weight. That's not the case here, due to illness or whatever reason. The OP doesn;t have to put her needs last forever because her partner is ill.

My situation is a little bit similar to yours (but no kids)

I earn 99.9% of the family income. Not how we planned it but DH ended up with a disability.

We share finances completely although this is helped by us both having very similar outlooks on spending. So effectively he is not going without but I am compromising.

He is pretty shit at mental load - honestly I've dealt with this by massively lowering my standards.

However, and it's a big however - he is my number 1 supporter 100%. We are not struggling in the other areas of our marriage. It's hard to explain but he absolutely makes my life easier and happier despite the absence of income, cooking and life admin (I know, it sounds bonkers written down).

If this isn't where you feel you are at, then it is probably time to cut your losses.

Reading your comments about ‘the severe adhd brain’ and how he ‘can’t’ do basic stuff… honestly, I think he’s taking the piss. He’s got an all purpose ADHD get out of jail card and he’s happy to use it to your detriment.

He’s an adult who has managed to father children and maintains employment. He can - and should - use strategies and make adjustments to ensure that he, in particular, meets his child’s needs at bedtime. He doesn’t bother because he knows you’ll do it for him. There are loads of strategies and supports he can use to help him. But he has to want to. He has to actually care.

I have ADHD. Yes ‘the ADHD brain’ wants to take shortcuts and forgets things and such like. But because I’m a woman I have to work bloody hard to compensate for things or work around my condition to ensure that everything gets done - bills get paid (by direct debit!), people have clean clothes to wear, teeth get brushed, everyone eats, I continue to be employed so I can pay my bills and so on. I am a single parent. There’s no one to pick up the slack (there never was - because my ex just made more work and put more pressure on me). So I make it work as best I can. I work hard to make sure the things that really matter happen.

It’s hard and I feel like I’m always failing. But I keep doing it because there’s no alternative. I think it’s extremely unlikely that your partner just has ‘more serious ADHD’ than me (or all the other women with ADHD who manage to do bedtimes that meet their children’s needs!); it’s that he can just avoid the responsibility and convince you that he ‘can’t’ because ADHD. So you do it all. You pick up the slack. And you feel guilty if he doesn’t get the same material rewards from all your labour as you. You cut back so he can get more.

Genuinely: do you really think he is going all he can to contribute and to manage his condition. You are clearly able and willing to make adjustments to support as a result of his disability - but are his expectations (and feelings of entitlement) reasonable?

It doesn’t sound like they are.

I think your OP is misleading. I outearn DH and havedone for most of our relationship. However he cooks, cleans and is excellent at DIY- which saves us an absolute fortune. Once I was back at work he did the lion's share of night wakings and now does 50% of teen taxi duty. So him earning less is a non issue. I understand your DH struggles but there is very little room for dead weight in a relationship with 2 DCs.