When one partner earns more

[Eskimal]

Hi
I’m looking for people in similar situations:
where both partners work and share household/kids duties, but one partner earns significantly more and does all the life admin / carries all the strain and stress. The other partner has very limited career and earning prospects due to lack of education and skills (and no ability to study or learn). I am very conscious now how people from different backgrounds may struggle in marriage when ideally resources are pooled and people need to share the load.

In my case there’s a bit more context. The other partner has severe ADHD and is unable to do any life admin, and simply doesn’t feel stress because they forget things so easily. (When I say severe, I mean severe). ADHD was diagnosed late in life.

how do you share finances when one person contributes almost 100%? Our kids are older and don’t need daytime care, and even then my mum would do it so the partner taking on more household duties is not a viable option to spread the load according to ability. I do most caring duties like homework help and checking in on how they feel, deciding their boundaries as they start having social lives, arranging things with their friends.

Do we both have the equal right to a gym membership, access to a car, money for holidays with friends and meals out with friends?

I am starting to feel resentment that I can’t have the gym membership I’d dearly love to have (to help with stress). Instead I have to go to a cheaper gym with no pool and no yoga so we can both have membership. I drive a rubbish car so that we have the money for 2 cars. I limit how much I can go out so there’s money for him to go out too. I was brought up in a household where equality and fairness were a natural part of the atmosphere.

I make all financial decisions, try to run them by him for info or agreement. He doesn’t know how to read a budget or log into a banking app. He’s impatient so I have to explain things quickly.
Months later he has forgotten I told him and starts ranting and raving about there not being any money to buy new football boots, or how he never agreed to pay so much for kids’ educational things. He has no idea what our mortgage is etc

if we had separate finances then he would have 0 disposal income. What would people do in my situation? I am also considering separation as I am struggling in other areas of our marriage, but that’s for another day. In the meantime what do people think is a fair way to approach spending money and little luxuries like the gym and meals out or a treat to something new in Zara every now and then?

I agree with this comment. I would be quite troubled if my husband felt he was entitled to more (eg) meals out than me because he earned more money than me. That’s not how it works IMO.

That said, I also would have a lot of trouble being happy in a relationship like the one you’ve described.

This ^

I am married. We didn’t know each other very well when I fell pregnant. I gave things a go because it felt right. He is charismatic and willing. In our group of friends everyone loves him (and thinks I’m a bit quiet and boring because I’ve been permanently tired for the last 14 years. I might not drink or stay up late chatting as I have responsibilities the next day). The first few years of the marriage I was so tired breastfeeding and working it was a daze. I was both mother and breadwinner and I’m not sure how I did it. My mum helped out a lot. His first language isn’t English and he never got past the equivalent of our year 10 so for a long time I thought the problem was his confidence. It was only about 5 years ago I realised it was ADHD.

the gym membership is not the central issue here- it’s just an example of how I compromise my own desires. I did say that the idea of separation is a story for another day.

my question here was really about hearing from other couples where there’s a big disparity in income. And how they manage (or don’t manage).

His ADHD isn’t the issue he is. He brings nothing and doesn’t want to.
He is charismatic and people love him yet he shouts at your children

leave

I agree with this.
I have a family member with adhd and he has to use strategies not to forget things, like your dh his cleaning skills are haphazard. However he absolutely can and does budget plan, he cares for his dc and he holds down a very stressful and responsible job.
I honestly think your dh has pulled the wool over your eyes here.
He , imo, is choosing to burden you with all the mental load.
Are you sure he’s not just unintelligent?

Exactly this ^

my question here was really about hearing from other couples where there’s a big disparity in income. And how they manage (or don’t manage).

My husband earns 4 times my income and I have full access and freedom to spend however much I like. I don't take the piss because it's family money but we never think one person deserves more pocket money because they bring in more income. I think that's something you might do as bf/gf without children but once married or have DC together then it should all go in one pot unless of course someone has a shopping addiction or a gambling problem.

I think the problem is you married a man you're not compatible with and now you're stuck with your bad decision. I think very few women are genuinely happy with being the breadwinner. Most prefer that the man at least brings in the same amount but preferably more... it's hardwired to want a man with resources.

The real issue is considering separation.

This sounds really hard and I empathise a lot. DH has similar traits and given it's looking like DS (9) likely has ADHD I can see that it might be present in DH. However, he earns more than me and holds down a very good job so the money thing isn't an issue. But holding down and managing his job feels like the limit of his mental capacity.

I also work full time on a good salary and have to manage everything else. The finances, the house, the kids, the planning, the organising etc. I've accepted that DH just can't do this stuff but I'm a bit of a control freak too with an insane ability to juggle a million things so actually it kind of works.

What DH does do well is the more practical stuff. He does all the cooking, cleans the kitchen morning and night, does the bins, sorts kids lunches etc. And he's very good with the kids, better than I am to be honest.

There must be 'something' your DH can do to contribute is what I'm saying. At the very least he needs to recognise the dependency he has on you and process what that would mean if you weren't around.

If this thread switched sexes there would be outrage.

I was thinking the same. Have you actually had a discussion with him about this? And tried him doing more with kids and at home? Even if he needs a list or instructions

Ok, to strictly answer your question: a big disparity of income here. Around 80:20. The difference is, I at home with children most of time, use my time for the family and don't need supervision. We both contribute/pull our weight in compatible ways, for the good of us all. It is unclear what your DH, if anything is able to do for himself or the family. He sounds like a chatty, raving floater. Nice to watch from afar but always in the way at home. Does he have any strengths that could work for the good of the family and support you? Literally, can he do anything?

Marriage should be a partnership and I'm struggling to see what he brings to the table . The money aspect could be said for any couple where one is the breadwinner but the short temper frustration not being able to share the life admin aspect would be a killer .

Is he medicated? Is he getting help for his ADHD in other ways?

I've never heard of it being so bad it is impossible to clean, cook, do laundry, follow a list of instructions. Sure, it makes it difficult, but the guy isn't working full time and the kids don't need watching, so what is he doing?

Has he stopped drinking or cut down significantly? Has he limited his screen time per day? Is he e excusing regularly? Eating appropriately?

You say he's charismatic and willing. If he's not doing any of these things he's not that willing.

This marriage doesn't sound like a partnership, I'd get legal advice about divorce, because you don't want to get shafted if he's financially dependent on you.

This sounds really difficult and I sympathise with what you say about friends’ perceptions. That must be frustrating.

We have a big disparity in income but I’m afraid it’s not truly comparable- DH earns about 15x what I earn but a) I do all the admin etc and much more housework and have been primary child carer for nearly two decades and b) I work full time and earn good money- it’s just he is a very high earner (with hours to match) so earns much more. So we both contribute. Money-wise, everything is shared completely.

Do you think the relationship is sustainable? Do you love him? Do you have good times together despite the stress? Do you feel he’s trying his best? If the answer to all these is yes then I would accept the compromises. If not, I’d be making plans to separate, and I would not blame you at all for doing this. It all sounds appallingly difficult.

I wouldn’t try to split your finances in a way which reflects your contributions. Your husband is who he is. You’re a team. Doling out cash as if he’s one of the children would create more problems than it solves and I suspect harm your relationship in a fundamental way. It would be better to split up.

Ah I see. I’m not sure about this, tbh. I go to a different gym from my DH but for sane reasons as OP. Mine has a pool, the sauna etc. his doesn’t. But he wouldn’t join mine cos he says it’s too expensive. Am I supposed to pay for his gym membership then?

Why did you marry him in the first place? Is he on medication?

Money isn't your problem though is it?

Is there a reason he can’t do more hours in what he’s doing work wise? Is he full time at least? Sounds like he can drive the kids to hobbies at least. I do agree responses would be different if this was a man posting. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel resentful though, I am fairly sure I would too. Sounds like you’ve got a lot to think about re long term future of your marriage.

100% this. So can't cope with any life admin/work/life's mundane crap, but can drive, socialise, fun stuff?
All the nos!

Yes but if the male was also doing all the house/kids stuff on top then I think people would be negative towards the woman.

Money isn't your problem.

If you can afford £40-50k per annum in school fees you can afford a nicer gym membership.
Better gyms do full offering: gym swim and classes for £40pm

ADHD doesn't mean you can't put the laundry on or hang it out

I'd be miserable in your situation

I think your comment "he's emotionally manipulative" tells it all....he's manipulated you into believing his severe ADHD renders him incapable.
He can manage the complexity of driving a car yet he can't put dark clothes in one pile and white ones in another?
He can park a car ..so I presume parallel park, reverse , do manoeuvres requiring complex steps by step approach but he can't press buttons in order on a washing machine...?

Wake up OP....your dh has a lovely life ...and you are in angst over whether it's fair you get a swim and a yoga class at the gym.

I earn twice what my husband does - he works in logistics and to move to the next level up would mean constantly being on call or at work - at the moment he can wfh 2 days a week and can flex start times for the school run (that time/flexibility is a priority for us). We pool our money, a certain amount is saved but whatever is left is spent on the kids and our own activities. We compromise on spend and discuss any long term or large cost items - so he has a golf membership at a cheaper golf club and I have the same at the local gym.

He does the garden, all outdoor tasks, kitchen, dishwasher, ironing and I do all indoor cleaning and life admin - we share school runs, taking the 17yo to her evening job (he does this more to be honest!) and dog walking. He does all the 2/3am pick ups when the kids have been in town/to the pub and they can’t get a cab etc 😀(we also have a 19yo).

Can he work in your area? The answer may be no, but seems to be better paid and more money is the main reason you are posting.
Other job for him with better salary?

If money is just the last straw and as you pointed there is much more behind I'm afraid that your relationship may do with some counselling or if you are determined to carry on without him to give the relationship and end.

Do you still want to give it a go? Speak with him a suggest counselling. Depending on his answers you will know if the relationship worth a try.

Finances is a pool with equal access is ok to me. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, however I can understand how you feel resent because seems like he is not even trying to do things a bit better.

We have a similar disparity in income in my household. The house is mine, the pension is mine, he does not do paperwork etc etc. We are not married.

I have felt the unfairness at times but as our child has grown we have fallen into a division of work/roles that works for us. I have also come to accept that I love my work and value enormously the status it brings - and that I could not do it without him being at home most of the time. We could also not live in the lovely house we do if he was not available to keep our large garden under control.

We both keep all of the money we earn and I have the better car; he has the tech and power tools that interest him (most of which I paid for).

We had our child in our early forties and pretty soon after that menopause symptoms sent me haywire. Now those are sorted I feel relaxed about my lot and can appreciate the benefits of the life we have built together.

OP, you sound in an entirely different place. You also sound like you are a huge overachiever and this is now to your detriment. You have enabled your DH to be useless by having very low expectations and constantly picking up the pieces and papering over the cracks (the comment about how your friends see him is telling). I have a friend like this - two kids in private school, envious life on paper, but completely exhausted trying to keep all of the plates spinning.

With the benefit of hindsight looking back on my life, I’d let some drop. The world won’t end.

I do appreciate that that is suggesting you solve the problem rather than your useless husband stepping up, but if you do not believe he will, then life is too short.

I think your are married and you should put all money into one pot . If the man worked and the women looked after the kids . I would expect the in come to be put into one pot. Like you said he has a car to take both your kids to their sporting activities. Should be equal regardless if the wife or husband earns more .