Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

How has he made it clear he isn't ready? He's the one that pursued me , he asked for exclusivity , he tells me he has stronf feelinfs for me , and he's the one talking about kids and moving in in the future..
I don't understand why I'm being blamed as being pushy when he is doing/done all these things.

I don't know what my plan is now. There are so many messages on here. Obviously I'm not mentioning the stepdaughter etc. But what else should I be doing? Should I be texting him ? Should we stop acting romantic ? How often should we see each other roughly?
I'm so scared of doing the wrong thing now that I am stuck and don't know how to proceed.

He's making it clear he isn't ready by coming on so strong OP. The love bombing is a big red flag.

He's future faking you to get away from his grief. It's a coping mechanism, not reality. It's unfair on you to be honest.

He sounds like he needs counselling to work through the bereavement process. It doesn't sound like he's really processed it all yet

get pregnant NOW
demand to meet the SD ASAP
move in
plan a spring wedding.

How has he made it clear he isn't ready? He's the one that pursued me , he asked for exclusivity , he tells me he has stronf feelinfs for me , and he's the one talking about kids and moving in in the future..
I don't understand why I'm being blamed as being pushy when he is doing/done all these things.

No one here knows him
But there are lots of widowed people on here. Your head is in the shredder OP in that situation OP.
Do you understand that? You haven't really shown that here.

I don't think he is ready to make decisions. I think he is overwhelmed with feelings. I don't blame him. That's the way it is.

I think you are thinking of this relationship is an ordinary one.

Future faking (marriage and kids) may be his way of trying to push away his grief and ignore what's happening to him and the kids right now. A sort of fantasy to escape into. Rationally, there's no way he would realistically be ready to say that and mean it after dating for such a short period straight after a bereavement. It was unfair on you for him to say that and you need to keep some perspective

I think as @Godzillaisjusthangry said above, that he’s rushing as it’s better than dealing with his grief and it’s almost like he’s gone into panic mode and is just trying to find a replacement for the partner he lost and just pick up where he left off.

I cannot see this relationship having a happy ending.

OP, 6 months is still early days in any relationship never mind one with a widower.

Men often do move on quicker than women, I have seen it for myself 2 or 3 times locally. However, this man has a lot going on, and has told you that and has told you the reasons why he can't introduce you.

While he may be happy to spend time with you, maybe he does feel it is too soon for everyone else and he is respecting their feelings while they grieve for their mother/daughter.

You need to take a step back and accept those reasons and respect them.

Don't let him use you, but don't be upset either if he can't always be there for you. He has to prioritise his children and his partner's family before anything else.

If you are meant to be together then your time will come.

No one's blaming you for the relationship.

But a man who's widowed 2-3 months later starts aggressively pursuing you, promising moving in, kids and strong feelings and you don't see the issues? You're naive and blindingly romantic. And frankly foolish for not seeing the red flags.

And what the fuck. You've got a kid too! See that's a massive surprise. Because yet again your kid and their feelings don't appear anywhere in your posts. It's literally all about you

All this wittering on about how time doesn't matter to you. Six months whatever. Not one jot of a thought for how six months might feel to the kids who have lost their mum.

I wouldn't be so bothered if it was just you. You're an adult. But there are vulnerable children here. You're shocking.

Bloody hell. Just no. Red flags from both of you but the intensity in your posts is glaring. The children in this situation are the priority. You only mentioned your own child several hours into the thread! Put your child first and let him put his children first. This is like a teenage crush on steroids with the added trauma of bereavement. Poor kids.

I agree.

Okay, one more go at explaining. It's like he had a jigsaw puzzle and someone has come and thrown the board up in the air. He may well be just trying to make the pieces fit again. It's not necessarily calculated but it's like you can't compute that your life is in tatters and you're trying make it okay again.

The way I used to think about it was our family was a person and we'd lost a leg. We had to learn how to walk again on our own, the three of us. Finding a leg that looked handy might prop you up for a while but actually all the bits that remain have to rebuild their own connections. I was now mum and dad, not just mum.

I'm sorry if that seems brutal. Its not so much about you, but more where his head might be and the mess in his head you can't see.

Everyone grieves differently but I found the second year grieving way harder than the first as the numbness wore off. 9 months is absolutely nothing. Losing soneone through cancer is traumatic. I am guessing you haven't had a close experience of grief as you sound like you are living in a Holltwood movie. I hope that he's kind enough to step away now, particularly if you want children. It's not an easy situation for you and I wish you the best.

OP sounds like someone who sees a good deal in a used car and doesn’t want to lose it. You have a child already—are you so needy to find a father for this child that you will stake out a funeral? There are other people in the world with less baggage than this guy. At any rate the fact of the matter is that the relationship is too fragile snd unconventional for you to have a grown up conversation or negotiation about your needs and wants. That is very bad—for you and for him. When he comes out of the fog you may not find him as willing to love bomb you as now. And he may not find you as desirable as he seems to know. “Rebound” applies to this situation not because of its short length but because of its position in relation to the previous loss.

But at any rate if you think this is real and will stand the test if time why are you acting like it will spoil if you don’t consume it fast enough?

My DH said that. He found the seconds of everything hard because everyone else seemed to be back to normal and seemed to expect him to be better than the firsts.

Good grief! The mother died 9 months ago, you've been together for 6 months and you've already been seeing his son for 'months?' All too much too fast in my opinion.

Look OP, I told you to back off earlier. I'm currently watching my SIL tentatively rebuild her life four years after my younger brother died. It's hard for her, hard for everybody. I lost my mum to cancer when I was 30. It took me years to come to terms with. It's been NINE MONTHS. I cannot begin to describe how inappropriate this is when you are going through grief. Don't be the person trying to fill a gap. This whole thing about trying to get to know a child who has just lost her mum is so completely off the scale I can't tell you. You have fallen too hard for a man who is not making rational decisions. He's love bombed you. I'm not accusing him, he's in a horrible place and his behaviour is reflective of that. Stop planning a future with him at this point. Date by all means but you'll be a secret for a long time to come and that's because he knows full well what it looks like. Here you are trying to save everybody when they don't need saving they just need to get through.

Concentrate on your hardly mentioned child and not on this. I don't think you can bank on a future in this relationship.

Totally agree with this.

I'm a widow. Nine months is nothing. He started seeing you when his GF had only been dead for three months.

I'm not criticising him for that, but in his position there's no way I'd be introducing you to his family and the still grieving family of his GF. There's no way I'd have introduced a new partner to my adult children in that time frame, never mind primary aged children.

I think you're showing your lack of life experience and empathy here. Your love for him simply isn't the priority here. He isn't healed yet, and his children certainly aren't.

I'm afraid that if you're not happy conforming to his entirely reasonable time frame, which prioritises the right people, then this relationship is not for you (or for him).
If you really think he's worth it, you'll wait, and recognise that you simply cannot be #1 priority at this point.

going against the grain slightly here, however I think the OP is taking a lot of criticism when I’m fact the man in this situation bears a fair bit of the responsibility.

I was widowed young over 10 years ago and DP is also a widower, just for context.

I always read threads like this on MN, and they often slant towards the widower almost being absolved of any responsibility for their actions. OP, this man should not have got into a relationship with you after 3 months, he should not have made promises he couldn’t keep and love bombed you as he did. Even if he thought he was ready emotionally, the practicality of his situation clearly makes a ‘normal relationship’ impossible. He knows this, and realised the hurt that going public would cause, so he needs to be honest with you and end things if he is unable to give you what you want.

My relationship with my DP moved at snail’s pace and he was nearly 3 years in. however I’m older than you and wasn’t thinking about having more children.

Being widowed doesn’t give you carte blance to ride roughshod over the feelings of others. OP, you need to decide what your boundaries are and either settle in the long game or end things now.

I totally agree @Greciantime – he has been massively irresponsible. I wanted to date after 6 months – but I spent time reflecting and realised that it was because I was lonely and sad and desperate to get back what I had lost, all terrible reasons for dating. So I put a pause on it. Even after 18 months when I did start dating, I took it incredibly slowly. He has been very selfish and unfortunately OP is likely to get hurt.

Lots has ( sometimes indirectly) called out the widower's selfishness as well, but we also acknowledge he is grieving- not that that's a pass. He's also not on here asking for advice.

I think the glaring thing is OP is also incredibly selfish and naive and chooses to believe her love story. It's all her her her with little consideration for all teh children in this.

I also agree with @Greciantime (I've been dating a widower for over 4 years now). OP, these relationships (with widowers) can be tricky, and it's okay to take a step back, tell him it's not working for you at the moment, and then have a good think about if you want to continue.

@Greciantime oh I don't think the widower is absolved of responsibility.

But many people have tried to point this out to the op only to get hysterical responses of she loves him so much, he's promised him children and moving in blah blah blah

The widowers clearly going through shit. But he's giving red flags all over the place.

The op as a woman in her 30s with a child in tow needs to be adult and mature enough to recognise the situation. The fact she refuses to acknowledge anything that any of the posters have said to her is a major concern.

No he's not behaving well. But she's behaving worse in my opinion. Entirely selfish and intent in forcing a grieving child into meeting her, moving in and bringing more kids into the mix.

Fuck knows what her own child thinks as they've not been mentioned at all in this scenario as clearly they don't matter.

Op has to take responsibility for her behaviour. Like I said. It's the grieving kids I feel sorry for.

Honestly my heart hurts for the 10 year old girl who lost her mum less than a year ago, whose feelings seem bottom of the rung for you & more importantly her step dad! Rather than helping her grieve he was "relentlessly pursuing" you OP. Does that give you pause for concern at all? That he could so quickly move on from his life partner & mother of his children? Because to me, actions speak so much louder than words and I couldn't ever fully trust someone who did that. I can honestly only see this ending in pain for you OP. Oh and for what it's worth, he's not wrong, those schools mums will judge you both for starting a relationship 12 weeks after his life partner died 💔