Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

OP, it will be at least a couple of years before the new normal starts to seem like the new normal for that family.

It’s very telling that the Op is consistently ignoring the people on the thread who have been in the same position.

Good luck OP. I have a feeling you’ll need it with the way you’re talking.

Hopefully the children won’t be too caught in the middle of it all.

I understand this but he keeps mentioning nd talking about having children with me too... everyone is implying it's a one way thing. It isn't.

I am 18 months down the line, my husband's photo is still on my phone, his rings are still on my finger, his photos are all around the house. In all honesty I can see why some widows/widowers get in deep so soon after losing their partner, I think a lot of what he is telling you is what he wanted with her and can't let go of. He isn't doing that because he is unkind or a liar, he's doing it because it's what grief can do to you. I think he's pulling back now because he needs the head space, he needs to grieve and some of that needs to be done alone. I think if you start playing mind games with him now you will cause even more harm and will irrevocably damage the fragile beginnings that you have with him. Stop. Let him do what he needs to do. I know you want to shout it from the roof tops but now is not the time, it wouldn't be right to do it now if the relationship had just broken down but it is absolutely not right to be shouting now, with so many other grieving people to consider, especially the kids. Take the pressure off, enjoy the dates when they happen and let him move forward in his own time. He won't ever 'get over' her but he will be able to move forward one day.

"He asked me on the first date. He pursued me relentlessly in the beginning. He really did make a lot of effort for weekly dates , nice places , always on time etc. Just to clarify I didn't ask him on the first date or the subsequent ones, he suggested them and asked me on them."

Blimey, that is some approach to take to a new relationship literally months after the death of the wife of your own children. Even if there was no bereavement I would say the above sounds dangerously like love bombing....

OP, no one is suggesting that it's a one-way thing, nor that he's lying to you. What those of us with experience of widowhood are saying, is that the assurances of love and cohabiting and future children from a very recently bereaved man are not reliable. He is almost certainly not thinking or feeling like "normal" people think and feel. When someone who organised their own wife's funeral 2 months ago starts to pursue another woman "relentlessly", it does not come from the same place as when an emotionally unattached and untraumatised person does it.

It's too soon. It would be too soon if he was divorced, it's way too soon given his previous partner passed away.

He's not living real life at the moment, he's in a fantasy created by grief.

OP you are already having sex with him I assume?

Sorry that’s not what I meant. So most people would, on finding out that the new person they were dating had been widowed merely weeks ago might be slightly worried about it. Were you? Did the intensity of his pursuit not put you off? And when you fell in love fast did you think about the complexity of getting into a serious relationship that would require blending two families (tricky at the best of times) with the additional issue that one of those families has recently been bereaved? All of these things seem to me to be natural things to contemplate in a new relationship. Did they even occur to you?

re the “given what you’ve described” - you’ve described a situation where what you want (blending two existing families + producing a child in 1-2 years) is completely inconsistent with the behaviour your partner is demonstrating (not wanting to introduce you in public). Of COURSE you’re not going to be getting pregnant with him this time next year based on what you’re seeing now.

It sounds to me that he's not ready to be dating yet. He's either feeling shame that he's moved on so quick or he's worried what other people are going to think. Which is fair enough in itself, but it's not really fair on you.

My stepdad started dating again about 4 months after my Mum died. He let me and my brother, as well as my Mums best friends know about it even before he went on the date because he was concerned that we'd bump into him, or find out through someone else. He didn't need to do it, it's non of our business really, but I did appreciate the heads up.

So yes, I think if he wants to date, he needs to be open and honest about it. He doesn't have to go out of his way to tell people, but hiding it really isn't on. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to his previous wife's family and friends.

I would say though that the kids are different. I wouldn't be introducing my new partner to my kids until a good year in even if I'd just split up with my ex, let alone if she'd died. I think it's been way to soon for you to meet his son, and to be honest I can't see any reason at all that you need to meet his Stepdaughter at this point.

Overall, I think at this point your relationship is probably doomed. You're always going to feel a bit like his dirty little secret now, even if thats completely unfair. You'll find yourself having to keep your story straight even years from now when everyone knows you're dating. I wouldn't be interested in that.

My friend was widowed and started dating two months after her husband died. In the year since he's gone her 9 year old daughter has been subjected to meeting no less than four of her flings, maybe 5.

This poor kid is in such a state, acting terribly (understandably) talking about wanting to die and generally ruined. Not just by losing her dad but by the speed and frequency with which her mother has 'replaced' him.

I think your partner is admirable and absolutely doing the right thing.

I'm so sorry you're not getting reassurance from this thread, but honestly all the posters who have experienced the trauma of losing their beloved partner are not trying to be mean. It's like having your head go through a shredder and takes a long time to process being widowed.
It changes every relationship in your life, and the way you connect with people. You go backwards and forwards in grief. The best thing you can do is start reading about it because it might help you understand why the future is so uncertain and you are pinning way too much on this relationship too early.
And having to help your children grieve is a whole separate job.
Everyone grieves in their own way but I would say his heart is not really his to give yet and may not be for a very long time.

I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear, but you need to protect your heart and your child too xx

Those who lose partners to cancer often have time to grieve before they die and do come to terms if that's the right word before they die

But for children it's totally different

My mum died when I was 41. I miss her terribly but can feel with her death

A child and teenager will need a lot of time

Winstons wish is very good for advice

Having kids in a year or two is really irresponsible. Even if he is saying this, do you understand that is not in the best interests of his kids? Or your kids?

You mention dating someone for a year? Is that your longest relationship?

What is your previous relationship experience? I ask because I think most people would have seen the red flag he is presenting when he asked you out.

I had a widower try and date me after three months and I said no several times. He had kids, his wife had just died, he had better things to focus on. I think you are being naive about the trauma him and his kids gone through.

She was his girlfriend, not his wife. They never married. I'm just clarifying this as a few posters keep saying wife . But she was his girlfriend

OP they had kids and lived together. Them not being married is irrelevant. They were a family. Now it sounds like you are trying to undermine their relationship.

You really aren't listening to anyone here. I have rarely been this frustrated with a poster.

Have you considered your kids in this? Have they met him and his son already? You are not listening to anyone. His children and your children deserve stability. This is no stability.

It doesn't matter- wife, girlfriend. She was a SO and they had a child together.

I don't know why you've bothered with this thread.

Just do you. I hope it all works out for you. The grief, blended families, step children etc if it ever gets that far.

I wasn't trying to undermine her, I'm sorry if it had come across that way. I was just clarifying that they weren't married and she was a girlfriend and not a wife. But it wasn't intended to undermine or cause offence. Just clarity

I think you need to be really careful here OP because I have a feeling you're going to get hurt.

Future faking (marriage and kids) may be his way of trying to push away his grief and ignore what's happening to him and the kids right now. A sort of fantasy to escape into. Rationally, there's no way he would realistically be ready to say that and mean it after dating for such a short period straight after a bereavement. It was unfair on you for him to say that and you need to keep some perspective

It's likely you are a rebound relationship because you're being used as a secret source of support. He's lonely, sad and probably scared of the future, so you're relationship is a respite from that. Sorry to say but I think you're being used. He may not be aware he's doing it but that's what it looks like from the outside.

Just be careful and try to keep hold of yourself in case he does end it

Thankyou so much for your response. How long were you together and are you /have you wanted to date ?

Apologies but could you clarify what you mean by 'mind games ' and also 'shouting from the rooftops ' ? I can't understand what it means xx

"She was his girlfriend, not his wife. They never married. I'm just clarifying this as a few posters keep saying wife . But she was his girlfriend"

Sorry if I have misunderstood but the only thing I have focussed on here is that the woman who died of cancer was the mother of his child and he had a (presumably serious) long term relationship with her; hence grief of his children and his own grief. I am assuming that becoming a single parent of children following the death of their other parent involves the grief of several people irrespective of whether or not they were actually married before she died?

It’s been 6 months!
Why is this all so intense?

You should still be in the fun getting to know each other stage.
Not talking about kids.

He has an excuse for acting fast, he’s grieving and obviously isn’t over his ex yet.

But I can’t work out what your rush is and why you’re coming across as so intense.

Just slow down.

I think the OP knows deep down he's not ready and is desperately trying to hold on by securing a place in the family.

I don't say that with judgement OP, just that it what it looks like from outside.

You need to take a deep breath and understand his situation is extremely complex and not open to being forced to what you need to make you feel secure.

What bloody difference does it make if they were married or not? It's neither here nor there, he's lost his partner, children have lost their mum, families are grieving. Don't try and downgrade her status and make it about marriage. Seriously you need to back off. This is far too intense. He's not ready and he's made it clear. If you can't wait for that family unit to recover from such huge loss then leave them to it.

"He has an excuse for acting fast, he’s grieving and obviously isn’t over his ex yet."

Blimey, some people would say the opposite and that he has precisely zero excuse for acting so fast..... I don't think being bereaved means all and any behaviour can be explained and (if its the right word) excused.

Like I said before, people with more life experience than OP realise that someone who has lost a spouse/a partner who was the mother to their children is someone with a lot of baggage and history to take on emotionally / relationship wise and is going to require a lot of patience, time, devotion, loyalty, tolerance, understanding and tough times as part of the grief process. A lot of people would run a mile and i do not mean that unkindly with ref to the grieving person.

Unless you were very young, naieve and champing at the bit to get pregnant and have the life you (wrongly) imagine was the fantasy fairytale you think this man and his partner had before she died. Then you might after no more than a month or two of dating, promise exclusivity to someone who has promised you nothing concrete apart from that you can have the baby you so long for in a "year or two".