Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

You could be his friend. No romance, no sex. Just a friend who he can talk to, download feelings with, cry with, grieve with, begin to heal with. No need or place for talk about moving in, having babies. Deal with the past before you plan the future.

I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle: being a step-parent is REALLY HARD under many circumstances. And this one? 2 bereaved children (one who is already his step-daughter); a potential new baby; and your current child?

I know you have strong feelings for this guy but I would really urge you to consider your child in this situation, if the relationship were to progress. Which it may NOT.

Much sympathy as I feel for this guy and his children, I would not be wanting to bring my own child into this. Blending families - without bereavement - is very difficult.

And I wouldn't be so sure that the other school mums haven't noticed anything yet. Or his son hasn't said something to someone. And if he finds out that people suspect/know, be prepared for the rug to be pulled out from under you.

Good luck. You have a lot of good advice on this thread and people who have kindly shared their very difficult experiences.

That really worries me.. :(
I think because I'm so close with my friend and she keeps relentlessly drilling into my head that he should be telling people about me , and that he should be telling his parents and his stepdaughter and his late girlfriends parents etc or else I'm a dirty little secre. it's made me feel insecure. She constantly brings it up. It does make you anxious when someone constantly tells you're someone's dirty little secret. She is very black and white. She says unless he tells everyone asap then he's not into me . And I try and ignore her and consider that she doesn't have any experience dating a bereaved man (at least I do have 6 months experience ) but it still makes me on edge and self doubting. Xx

I feel for you OP. I don’t want to give advice, just my own perspective in case it helps.

The first year will be very difficult for him, getting through every important date, all the family birthdays, Christmas, New Year, all the holiday periods, the build up to the first anniversary date can be just awful to live through, possibly a sense of relief after the day, but in many ways the second year can be worse, including the second anniversary. This time last year the family may remember all living through a difficult time of illness too. It will all weigh heavily.

Some other perspectives relating to telling other people/announcing new relationships:
I remember myself when I witnessed a widower form a new relationship, feeling awkward and actually judgemental (for no reason) when we were all (as bystanders in the community) still very much mourning his late wife. This is how some people will think/judge. Now I know better of course, that the poor man deserved every bit of company, happiness and friendship after losing his wife.

When I was widowed and met a new companion/confidant/live-apart travel partner - my closest and best friend was horrified - and openly stated that “she wouldn’t tell her own husband about my relationship” (because he would be upset!). I.e. their feelings were all about themselves being upset - rather than feeling happy that I had someone in my life to make me happier in difficult circumstances.

When my partner came to stay on his first visit, another friend suggested he stay in a spare room at her house (friend perceived it as somehow “wrong” for him to sleep in one of my rooms)

I openly witnessed a lot of conflicting emotions among my friends and the wider community who were mourning my husband - and this is what your chap might be living through as well.

People who haven’t lived through it, can’t be blamed for viewing someone new as “a replacement”, as something somehow disloyal, whereas the truth is that we should all be glad that the bereaved person is finding a way to make their life better, to have company, friendship, be less lonely and find a better life.

Thankyou. May i ask how long you have been widowed and if you are dating /have dated since then ?
You don't mention if you have children but if you do when did you /when would you tell them do you think (from a widow perspective) ? X

Thankyou for the very kind response. I appreciate it. I have fallen in love and am very keen for it to work.
May I ask when you started dating at 18 months what did that look like for you ? How often did you see one another ? Do you have kids and if so how did you manage that ? And are you still with this person now ? Its helpful to hear from a widow perspective xx

Thankyou for the kind response ! Widower relationships are without doubt very tricky.
May I ask about your relationship with your widower partner in terms of how long he had been bereaved when you met / how dating happened for you in the first year / whether kids were involved and if so how this was managed etc ? And ultimately has it all worked out well? Xx

Many many thanks for the kind response ! I appreciate it!

May I ask about your experience as a widow yourself? When did you start dating? And what did that look like for you in the beginning in terms of how often you saw each other /who was introduced etc ? And how did you manage with your children?

Similarly what was your partners experience as a widower dating ? What did 'moving at a snails pace ' look like for him ?

I would like to hear about your experience as a widow dating and his experiences as a widower dating so I can draw comparisons to my own situation to see if how he is approaching things is normal etc.

When I first met DP I very much kept him at arm’s length for at least 9 months. It was very casual, once a week until then. Then we increased to twice a week. He met DD after about a year. And yes we are still together and I intend to be with him for the long term. But I was ready.

Thankyou again. How did you know you were ready , were there certain things in your grief journey that you had started/ stopped doing which let you know ? It would be interesting to see if my man does any of the same etc.

Once a week / fortnight is what we do currently.

Any tips on making it work long term ?

My wife & partner of 37 years died 4 years ago, It wasn't until last year I even felt I could move on & I knew she was in all probability going to die relatively young.

Yes I know everyone is different and I'm older than your partner but grief & the loss of a partner takes time to process properly.
I am luck that my new partner went through much the same 5 years ago & we both understand where each other is coming from.
She still wears her wedding ring and I fully understand that as neither of us will ever stop loving our late partners.
Only they are not here to love any more & both of us have so much more love to give.
I guess the main thing is to just keep talking and don't get upset if occasionally either of you are finding it hard going?

His LW had died about 7 months before we met, she'd been ill for several years. No minor children were involved, they were adults. He told them a few months in, but it took a while for me to meet them, due to location and busyness, rather than reluctance.

We see each other every week - we don't live that near each other, and have full on jobs with long hours. We go away for holidays and weekends too, and I've met his friends and he mine.

Have you got any regard for anyone else’s feelings apart from your own self-centred self?

Stop being so goddam shallow.

Take a step back and ffs give your head a good wobble.

she ignores everything meaningful then extracts her real focus after asking the same set of leading questions

Thankyou again. How did you know you were ready , were there certain things in your grief journey that you had started/ stopped doing which let you know ? It would be interesting to see if my man does any of the same etc.

Once a week / fortnight is what we do currently.

Any tips on making it work long term ?

May I ask about your experience as a widow yourself? When did you start dating? And what did that look like for you in the beginning in terms of how often you saw each other /who was introduced etc ? And how did you manage with your children?

Similarly what was your partners experience as a widower dating ? What did 'moving at a snails pace ' look like for him ?

I would like to hear about your experience as a widow dating and his experiences as a widower dating so I can draw comparisons to my own situation to see if how he is approaching things is normal etc.

Thankyou for the kind response ! Widower relationships are without doubt very tricky.
May I ask about your relationship with your widower partner in terms of how long he had been bereaved when you met / how dating happened for you in the first year / whether kids were involved and if so how this was managed etc ? And ultimately has it all worked out well? Xx

I've only skimmed the thread so sorry if I've missed it being mentioned - you say in your OP that the deceased woman was his girlfriend and her daughter was from a previous relationship. Therefore she is not his step daughter. Did his GF give him legal parental rights over the child before she died? It's good that he's still spending time with the child, but he's correct not to introduce you as it isn't his child or step child. Who does she live with now? Is it the gf's parents? If he was to introduce you, even as a 'friend', you can bet your life the child will casually mention it to her grandparents, and it's right that they don't know about you yet, so early in their grief.

I am a widower
My view is simply this

If its difficult dating widow/widower then its too soon. however long the grieving process for the adult, double or treble it for the children

I’m Married to a widower and you must be sensitive to the children (my stepson was 8 when I met his dad who had been widowed when my stepson was 1) . We took things very slowly and very sensitively. To some people meeting you 3 months after his girlfriends death seems very very quick and might cause offence to her family. My advice - be patient and if you love him back off and be much more sensitive

Thankyou for the response. He was with her for 6 years..
May I ask how you knew you were ready to date again ? And what did dating look like for you ? Eg how often did you see one another /speak to one another / how did you manage the children etc?

It's wonderful to hear from a widower himself.

I'm starting to be slightly concerned reading throufg the comments that I may have been 'love bombed ' with promises as other posters have said so looking for other widow perspectives to see of its likely I have been or not.

Sorry he calls her his stepdaughter so I do as well naturally. No the girlfriend have him no legal rights. She lives with her biological father and spends time with her 'stepfather ' and brother on weekends. He says if he tells her about us IF she gets angry she may refuse to come and see him and his little boy any more , and that means his little boy will then lose his sister.
I completely understand that fear obviously. But worried if that will ever be rectified as well.

Thankyou. May I ask how long you've been widowed and if you're dating someone now and at what point in your journey ? If so what did dating loook like to you in terms of frequency of dates /how often you spoke / who you told about you/ managing the children etc .

Taken that on board re the kids. Thanks. So you think it's completely normal he won't tell anyone ? I shouldn't be concerned ?

After this thread 'm worried I may be being 'love bombed ' and promised these things by him which he doesn't mean. So it's good to hear a widower perspective on this

Thankyou . I am goig to try to distance myself a little.
It's honestly so helpful to hear from women dating widowers as I've never met anyone else in person.

Please couls you expand upon what you mean. By 'taking things very sensitively and slowly ' ?

Also what did dating look like in the beginning stages ? How often did you see one another /speak ? Did he tell anyone about you and if so at what point? When did he tell his son ? Was your husband mostly recovered when you met or still struggling?

I am starting to wonder if the posters suggesting he is 'love bombing ' or 'future faking ' me (not in the know with all these terms ) may actually have a point. It would he very cruel and unkind of him to do it. But that doesn't mean he isn't doing it..

I'd be heartbroken if he is love bombing me . I'd be very disappointed in him too for lying to me /leading me on. I don't know , I'm just starting to wonder if everyone is right .

I barely heard from him at all yesterday. No response when I offered to book something for us. And he is a football coach and I know he was coaching last night and being all socailable /friendly with the parents whilst ignoring me the women he has beenn dating for 6 months . I don't know. Maybe everyone is right. Maybe he is just love bombing me.

OP he’s definitely future faking/love bombing but I don’t think he’s doing intentionally with the purpose of hurting you, like some men.

I think he is almost in survival mode and he’s getting through his grief by having you as his distraction.

I’m sure he does genuinely like you but eventually he’s going to have to come to terms with what happened and possibly end up resenting you or breaking up with you, whilst he deals with his grief.

You must have known that getting with someone 3 months after their partner died and then starts talking about having children etc within the first 6 months is not normal.

He wants children with you but won’t even tell his parents about you - that doesn’t make sense and you know it.

I don’t think he’s a bad man but the love of his life has died and you cannot compete with her or take her place, until he’s over his grief.
You are the one that’s going to get hurt sooner or later.

@ACertainKindOfLight
Future faking indeed.
FFS, the poor man is bereaved.

I honestly can’t believe your depth of emotional shallowness and ignorance.

Hopefully it won’t ever happen to you, but if it does the penny will drop and you will appreciate the sad gravity of the situation.

OP, dig deep and really start to think and acknowledge what this poor guy is going through.

One can’t just snap out of bereavement, and whether you like it or not, he is doing the right thing by respecting the other people affected by this.

Can you honestly not see that?

I'd be heartbroken if he is love bombing me . I'd be very disappointed in him too for lying to me /leading me on. I don't know , I'm just starting to wonder if everyone is right .

OP he's not "leading you on" what you point blank don't seem to acknowledge is that he is a bit broken.

He's not without responsibility but the way you describe it here is as if it's very calculated. I doubt it. His heads in the shredder. His world is upside down. Fixating on " love bombing" or "future faking " is not going to help. You are dealing with someone who is very very vulnerable.

He in turn is also dealing with 2 very vulnerable children . And he's doing the right thing for them.