Advice about new relationship

[Denis44]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We don’t live together, he lives in a council house and I have a mortgaged house. We both have children from previous relationships.
I keep having reservations about this relationship and keep asking myself whether this is the right person for me. I have been single for 4 years.
On the plus side he is great company, really emotionally supportive, good sense of humour, sex is ok, gets on with my kids and good role model, helpful, always steps in to clean if I’m busy with the kids, good looking, fit, attentive, available and overall keen to be with me, does some diy etc. He has a good relationship with everyone and people really like him, has good friends and people like his company as he is kind and generous and just likeable. His kids and my kids all love him as well and like his company. He works and gives a lot of his free time to help others.
My reservations are around the fact that it’s unlikely we could ever live together. He is on low income and would loose his benefits if he moved in with me and I just don’t see this happening. My salary just about covers me and the kids. He also says that at this stage he doesn’t think he could loose his house as would end up homeless if we didn’t work out. He is always skint. Don’t get me wrong he is generous with the money he has, but it means we can’t do very much unless I paid, which I sometimes do. He eats at mine a lot and recently I thought actually I need to plan meals differently as it’s becoming too expensive and he eats large portions or double even. He brings sometimes some small food items or leftovers from his home that we can use, but it still costs a lot. He sometimes cooks. He could improve his financial situation, but always finds reasons why not to go for something better and lacks the drive and confidence. He gives very little towards his kids’ maintenance and doesn’t seem to be overly bothered, or just doesn’t think it’s within his control.
Whereas I am under very intense pressure to provide for my kids, not just the basics but their wants and desires, he is ok with going somewhere with us, but his kids missing out as he can only pay for himself.
I am now looking into getting extra income because of cost of living. He asks when he can come to mine and I’m just thinking it’s very much like back to being married rather than the fun of going on dates and doing nice things just as adults other than tv and sofa. It’s perhaps not his fault, but that’s the main thing on offer. What he doesn’t get is normally I don’t just lie on the sofa in the evenings. I work till I go to bed or I do laundry or I book a babysitter and see friends occasionally. So I don’t really want to spend several evenings a week planning and cooking meals and lying on the sofa as I’m getting behind with work and it’s getting boring already.
What also bothers me is that some of his views are not compatible with mine. I find myself feeling irritated and thinking that he should educate himself instead of believing a random person on Facebook.
At times I feel a massive amount of love for him, but then other times I think I need to end it. I don’t want to loose him on one hand, but then not sure how can this work long term. Or am I just being a perfectionist? I did a lot of online dating and he was by far the most keen and loving guy. I’d love to hear people’s thoughts.

Is he on the sick op or just out of work op?is there anything from stopping him getting a job to contribute?

I'd get the ick about this.

He has his own business and does some freelance work, but it’s in practice minimum wage. He is trying to get more work, but it is just not very profitable.

Which part? Or all of it 🤣

He could be the best guy in the world but if he didn't have a half way decent job (ie not having to rely on benefits), then I'd write him off immediately.

OP, You have written a few long paragraphs describing him in good adjectives and long sentences just to tell he is a decent normal and nice man.

Then in the last bit you got to the point of it. I think deep down you know he is not the one, although I think you don't want to hurt his feelings. Ok, I get it, but what about your feelings. You have been together just a year.
At this stage if the relationship doesn't go naturally don't forced it. It is the best advice I can't give you.

I’ve been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he can improve his situation and he is in a way, but what it means now that he is looking into training etc. and it might be several years before he earns more.
He used to be addicted to gambling so he has come far. He also used to drink too much she is teetotal now for several years and doesn’t gamble. Just skint.

This was years before me and I meant to write he not she

Thank you. I think I’m struggling to assess my own feelings in all of this. I had a difficult childhood and not great relationship history and I think my feeling is that /I wish my feelings were stronger and I didn’t have these reservations/ 😥

OP l think you should let this one go, your reservations are well founded. No matter how nice he seems he is taking advantage of your generousity and good nature. He is partially living off you, lacks drive or ambition, can't be bothered to change or better himself and pays little maintenance towards his own children. Added to this he is a recovering addict. If you want an equal partnership please don't saddle yourself with this man, you can do so much better.

Ick. All of it.

No just no. You need someone more equal. And I mean that in thr nicest way.

No, there’s no future here; the resentment would just balloon. He’s whittling away at time you can use in better ways and money you work hard to earn. It’s too huge a difference in ethos. His niceness overlaps with his passivity, which could easily become leeching and obstruction.

Sorry OP.

I think your reservations are well-founded.

He's a recovering addict - moving in together would be a huge potential risk to your financial stability. It's a good job he is keen to hold on to his council house really. With the best will in the world, relapses happen, and when you're in a fairly precarious financial situation yourself, you need to be pragmatic, especially when you have children.

As for the rest, there's nothing wrong in wanting more than he can offer. He's not got much drive or ambition, possibly because it's quite an achievement to be staying clean and in a relatively stable place.

I think he can only really hold you back, (and possibly make things worse for you), so while he may be a lovely guy, he's not the right one for you.

thats really hard to read😥 thank you though, a lot to think about

It's not that he's a bit broke. It's that he's taking off you and also stopping you from your evenings.

It's worth a conversation as even if the conversation goes wrong, it wouldn't work out anyway. Plus, it's a good learning experience to speak up for yourself. It's hard when we haven't had the backing of a solid childhood, but it's an important skill to learn. He might be absolutely mortified he's made you feel this way and address it going forward, it could all work out but you won't know without an honest conversation.

Don't let the threat of abandonment hold you to him if it's not meant to be.

Thanks. He doesn’t stop me from doing anything. I just wish he had more initiative and was able to suggest us going on a proper date, but because he is skint most of the time, he just asks when he is coming to mine. I could go to his, but then I need to pay for the babysitter to do that, so it kind of makes sense. Last time I went to his, he didn’t have any food and I brought something for us. Initially we were going on dates and he was paying some of the time, but now it dried up. He told me that a few times he had to borrow money when we started dating. If I suggest a date, I always book and pay and then he might pay for drinks. I think on balance he tries to pay his way. I talked to him about how I feel and he said that we would be going out more and to give him more time. But then he still just asks me when can he come to see me at mine. He is just floating through life it seems. If things happen or are offered, he will just be grateful and passively join it, but otherwise he will just carry on as he is. For instance I asked him what he is doing for Christmas and he just normally goes to his grandma and then his kids go there for a bit and he has no thoughts about planning something himself, but he would be happy for me to invite him to mine or see my family. I just want to say, what about initiating something yourself ?! Honestly I wish my life was that stress free.

What's he doing about getting a better paid job? Has he any career aspirations

He is getting unpaid experience and trying to get into training. He is likely to be on 25-30k in the future if he completes the training.
ive been feeling really sad wondering whether there is another option other than breaking up

It's run it's course now. You're trying to make him the right fit for you but he isn't. As you know, there is way more to life than this. He's dragging you down, and ultimately, your dc down too. It's also quite icky and the sex is only ok.

Just keep it casual. You don't need to get married/cohabit or have kids to have a partner.

I think you might be right sadly. I think I’m worried that I won’t meet anyone else, but I also want to say that I can’t afford him 🤷🏻‍♀️
I did a lot of dating since leaving my ex and he was honestly the best one. there is always something with those guys and I’m not perfect either. I now also feel that I would be breaking out families hearts as everyone gets on.
what would give you the ick?

That was my idea, but then I almost feel like he couldn’t afford a regular casual relationship? Like he’d need to come up with some dates ideas and go halves right?
i’d be up for that if it was like once a week and then once a week maybe him come to mine but bring some food sometimes and meal plan and cook himself half the time.
Maybe it’s my problem that I’be been allowing it for too long so he thinks I’m happy with all of it 🤷🏻‍♀️I think there I’ve agreed to do this as I’ve been thinking he is the guest so I need to be hospitable. And I have a bit more spare cash so it’s ok for me to pay a bit more… but it all adding up

What would put me off him most, is when you say he will do things but can't bring his kids to enjoy as he can't afford it.
Not against him for being poor, more that he lacks any effort to improve this for his kids.

I totally agree, it’s really sad. We have gone to a major attraction recently and he hasn’t even mentioned taking his kids. He would if I offered to pay though. We did some days out and I paid for his kids as felt sorry for them. But realistically I can’t afford it. It really makes me sad.
I have been researching how to make more money so I could take us all on holidays etc., but it’s unrealistic and really don’t think I should have to, he doesn’t seem bothered at all and just accepts his situation.