Advice about new relationship

[Denis44]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We don’t live together, he lives in a council house and I have a mortgaged house. We both have children from previous relationships.
I keep having reservations about this relationship and keep asking myself whether this is the right person for me. I have been single for 4 years.
On the plus side he is great company, really emotionally supportive, good sense of humour, sex is ok, gets on with my kids and good role model, helpful, always steps in to clean if I’m busy with the kids, good looking, fit, attentive, available and overall keen to be with me, does some diy etc. He has a good relationship with everyone and people really like him, has good friends and people like his company as he is kind and generous and just likeable. His kids and my kids all love him as well and like his company. He works and gives a lot of his free time to help others.
My reservations are around the fact that it’s unlikely we could ever live together. He is on low income and would loose his benefits if he moved in with me and I just don’t see this happening. My salary just about covers me and the kids. He also says that at this stage he doesn’t think he could loose his house as would end up homeless if we didn’t work out. He is always skint. Don’t get me wrong he is generous with the money he has, but it means we can’t do very much unless I paid, which I sometimes do. He eats at mine a lot and recently I thought actually I need to plan meals differently as it’s becoming too expensive and he eats large portions or double even. He brings sometimes some small food items or leftovers from his home that we can use, but it still costs a lot. He sometimes cooks. He could improve his financial situation, but always finds reasons why not to go for something better and lacks the drive and confidence. He gives very little towards his kids’ maintenance and doesn’t seem to be overly bothered, or just doesn’t think it’s within his control.
Whereas I am under very intense pressure to provide for my kids, not just the basics but their wants and desires, he is ok with going somewhere with us, but his kids missing out as he can only pay for himself.
I am now looking into getting extra income because of cost of living. He asks when he can come to mine and I’m just thinking it’s very much like back to being married rather than the fun of going on dates and doing nice things just as adults other than tv and sofa. It’s perhaps not his fault, but that’s the main thing on offer. What he doesn’t get is normally I don’t just lie on the sofa in the evenings. I work till I go to bed or I do laundry or I book a babysitter and see friends occasionally. So I don’t really want to spend several evenings a week planning and cooking meals and lying on the sofa as I’m getting behind with work and it’s getting boring already.
What also bothers me is that some of his views are not compatible with mine. I find myself feeling irritated and thinking that he should educate himself instead of believing a random person on Facebook.
At times I feel a massive amount of love for him, but then other times I think I need to end it. I don’t want to loose him on one hand, but then not sure how can this work long term. Or am I just being a perfectionist? I did a lot of online dating and he was by far the most keen and loving guy. I’d love to hear people’s thoughts.

Definitely this. DO NOT SETTLE, that's utterly depressing.

Youre not being honest with him. You need to be honest. Oc hes full of support, it doesn't cost him anything! Talk is cheap. Tell him you cant afford to feed everyone anymore etc, he has to contribute more or buy his own food etc. Id just finish it. But thats me after years of being took for a t*at

It doesn't get better, does it? He would rather sit home everyday & survive on minimal income (or have you entertain & feed him) than he would work more and improve his situation.

It's not a goer, OP. Unless you can be happy with you doing all the heavy lifting financially and taking all the initiative.

I said to him that I’m struggling with paying for everything and seeing how it can continue and he didn’t really offer any solutions.. So he told me that he is cutting down a lot and living really frugally and still trying to get his situation better.
Return the sentiments. You need to cut down a lot and live frugally until after Christmas so you can no longer feed him or pay anything at all towards him or his children, including Christmas presents. I bet he will soon find another person to grift. Oh course he's a nice bloke, nobody would feed him otherwise 🙄 Give yourself an early present and get rid.

I think so as well. I wouldn’t say buy your own food as I don’t need him to come here with his own toast and butter while I make dinner for me and the kids. It just wouldn’t happen. I’ve been brought up to be very hospitable and what’s mine is yours mentality, so it’s really hard for me not to take get carried away when feeding others. And even harder to ask for contribution

I think he would probably try to say he totally understands and that he doesn’t expect any presents and can come after the kids are in bed or something stupid like that. The bottom line it is not good enough is it. I don’t want to be my dating life just to be seating on the sofa unless I plan and organise and most of the time pay. It’s depressing. I also wish I had a choice whether I work full time or part time. I don’t. I’ve also been through a hard time. His was mainly his own choices. So frustrating. He could be a brilliant partner but he just isn’t it, is he. I’ve just been feeling more angry now than sad. Which I think is good. Thank you everyone for your advice!

I was in a very similar situation and covid put an end to it luckily?

In the end I decided that what I preferred in a relationship was the having somebody to go places with , not having somebody there in the house all the time! I don't mind being on my own at home. I prefer it! my kids are here, I'm not lonely. When I'm at home I relax, when I'm out I socialise.

I moved heaven and earth to buy this house and he drifted and missed the window. he wasn't unambitious but he was never going to be able to bring 'equity' to the table if we move in together. In the end I just decided that I have enough for myself and my future but not enough for him too.

It’s difficult isn’t it, because it’s not black or white. He might be able to plan something in January for instance just not now. Or he would definitely be able to cook if I plan what and buy the food. He has brought stuff for a meal a couple of times and paid for food when were away, when I paid for accommodation. So he is trying to pay when he can. But he just can’t do much and doesn’t feel the urgency at all of improving his situation. He was going to do some work for our friends and they are still waiting for him to price it up. He told them he’s been busy. Yet he has time to do things that ‘benefit his mental health’. It’s so frustrating.
so sense of urgency what’s so ever. I spoke to a couple of people today in real life and they are now also sharing my frustration, because everyone loves him
and pne person said that I’ve been much more relaxed since I’m with him, much more chilled. I suppose because he takes over a lot of things which is indeed really good, but I when I started dating I was thinking about having fun with an adult man not child entertainer 😢😢😢 wish it was enough, and I have even a thought that maybe I should stick with him for the kids when they are not even his 🤣🤣🤣
like everyone says I’m going to start being very honest and will speak to him on Monday when I see him face to face and it will have to end most probably.

Did you meet someone else who ticked the boxes? My concern is that there is always bloody something

Finish with him, OP. He's eating your money, he's wasting your valuable time, he's a draw on your energy and resources.

I didn't, but I'm not looking. Not sure I'm missing out. I always felt a bit of relief when a relationship ended! like an internal exhalation, phew, factory settings again, phew. But that probably means I wasn't holding my own self enough.

But yes, there's always something! ALWAYS.

My first boyfriend turned out to be gay, I over corrected and my 2nd boyfriend turned out to be very ''basic''. 3rd attempt, my children's father - he turned out to be controlling, then, after 5 years happily single in which time, I got a job, got a better job, passed my driving test finally, did a payroll course, did a hr course, managed to buy a place, then tried again, not as healed as I thought I was, my 4th ''boyfriend'' was in to the tarot, jungian archetypes, kaballah, and he didn't want to put a label on it and I tolerated that for 18 months though. Then I met a normal funny man who was good company and always in my corner, but I knew, he'd never walk the camino with me as he wouldn't consider it worth the money, although he might have done it if I'd paid. If we went to a really nice hotel, he might have paid but he'd have considered it a 'waste' compared to the premier inn. We were on different pages. I wouldn't pay a fortune to go and see football. But he wouldn't go to the cinema either, or a book club, or a book launch, not his thing, he was funny, good humoured, good company, but he thought a lot of things were poncey and middle glass like, um, almond milk. Oh boy. I still think very fondly about him but I'm just into doing my house up bit by bit now. I can save more when I'm not trying to date somebody who doesn't have his own place. He did have a good job but until I persuaded him to set up a savings account and commit to saving 15% every month, he never saved a bean.

Oh you sound great and I would do those things with you 🤣 you’re right for not settling for those bunch. Hope you find someone compatible. I know we are supposed to have realistic expectations, but how low do we need to go that’s the thing. There is always bloody something that is such a deal breaker. It’s really hard

Almost a year and the sex is only ok? You should be having the best sex of your lives.

I'd bin him for that.

But he's not right for you otherwise. The lack of money, the passiveness, the lack of ambition - you're not compatible.

I'd also hate that he didn't pay enough maintenance for his Dc.

I couldn’t respect him on any level.
In all honesty, I would be embarrassed about him and for him.

…and don’t believe you can change him.

You are not his mother.

Good point

I had a very honest chat with my man.
He was sorry that he was making me feel this way. He felt that I didn’t get him and it wasn’t what he meant with what he said. He explained that he is trying to earn more and that he is worried about his situation. He has taken some more work.
He felt that it was ok for me to cook as I was offering and never asked him for a contribution and also he never wants to force anything on me. And that he always offer to help. And he wishes he could contribute more. The way I understand this is that if I keep planning meals and shopping, he can cook more as a way of helping me 🤣 I pointed out that if I just cook for me and my kids the meals look different and that it’s not necessarily about helping me, but taking turns and cooking for all of us 🤷🏻‍♀️
With some of our differences in views etc. He again felt I didn’t get him and that I think too much and I should know that he is not like that.
But then voiced that he doesn’t necessarily believe what’s written in bbc and that innocent people can be falsely accused of stuff.
It’s so hard. We’ve kind of left it for now.

Hes gaslighting you OP.

It's great you two had a chat but Ii don't see that he would have said anything that actually changes the situation. It's going to continue like it is now and you will not be any happier.

He again felt I didn’t get him and that I think too much and I should know that he is not like that.
But then voiced that he doesn’t necessarily believe what’s written in bbc and that innocent people can be falsely accused of stuff.

So, in your "very honest chat" he spent a lot of time telling you how sorry he is, that he is trying, he is always ready to help, etc. In other words same old, lots of nice words, no substance.

And then he deflects: you just don't get him. And accuses: you should know that he is not like that! Like what exactly?

And then he changes the subject altogether and starts to spout conspiracy nonsense. Next he'll tell you that there is simply no point in trying to work and earn a living because 'the system' is set against him...

"We've kind of left it for now?"

I might have to to take back my earlier comment where I thought you were switched on @Denis44.

I am trying to be very switched on. What I mean by left it, is that I went home and we are in a bit of a limbo atm. Life is not black and white. I wish I had someone who I thought knew much about relationships to talk it over in real life, but every single person that comes to my mind struggles with it. There is always something. I’m leaning towards ending it, but I don’t want to make a rushed decision.
i feel pressure from him to be straight with him, but I really don’t know. He also told me that we could never be friends and he would cut me off completely, which I feel a bit annoyed about. Like if you really love someone, would you just do that, wouldn’t you try and be friends at some point? I don’t know. It also kind of shows that I don’t want to loose him. Just not sure if I want to be in that kind of relationship with him. Aaarrrghhh so hard!!!

I think that he might be a nice man but his goals, aspirations, beliefs and way he wants to live his life is not the same as yours so this is not a relationship that has the potential for longevity.

Not all relationships end because one person is horrible. Most relationships end because you just don't like and want the same things.

You’re totally right. That’s why it’s so hard isn’t it. And then when the person says to your face no they do want what you want, and they are trying their best and that they are willing to learn… but the reality is that you don’t see it can actually happen, but still have some doubts 🤷🏻‍♀️ and everyone I speak to in real life are telling me to not rush etc. That he is nice etc 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s hard

@Denis44 let's be honest here - the ones who always want to stay friends are the ones who are usually ending the relationship. It is natural to want a clean break from someone who it would hurt to be around.