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Original poster

Unmarried and seperated. Was naive and can’t get over how someone can screw you over after 15 years from a moral standpoint.

107 replies

Everdaywingingit · 24/09/2023 21:08

I understand there is no legal obligation if you are not married when it comes to splitting homes. But as a mum of two young kids, a 15 year relationship and haven been stupid enough to give up a everything to raise the kids while ex spent months away furthering his career I have screwed myself over hugely. He had an affair, left for the other women and that’s it. No claim over the home I’ve lived in for 8 years. I was resigned by him from what was our business that I was joint director of. I feel completely screwed over and don’t know how from a moral perspective a person can treat another in such a way. He is a high earner too. But he gives not a joy about all of our verbal agreements. I never ever imagined in my life that the kind, caring man I once knew could actually be such a lying, entitled, horrible man. Turns out he had been cheating our entire relationship with multiple women and then would come home and put on this front of being such a great dad and partner to our friends and family. I feel traumatised.

I was naive. I was so stupid to not protect myself and the kids.

how do I move forward. Any advice? 😔

OP posts:
novalia89 · 25/09/2023 22:16

Everdaywingingit · 24/09/2023 21:08

I understand there is no legal obligation if you are not married when it comes to splitting homes. But as a mum of two young kids, a 15 year relationship and haven been stupid enough to give up a everything to raise the kids while ex spent months away furthering his career I have screwed myself over hugely. He had an affair, left for the other women and that’s it. No claim over the home I’ve lived in for 8 years. I was resigned by him from what was our business that I was joint director of. I feel completely screwed over and don’t know how from a moral perspective a person can treat another in such a way. He is a high earner too. But he gives not a joy about all of our verbal agreements. I never ever imagined in my life that the kind, caring man I once knew could actually be such a lying, entitled, horrible man. Turns out he had been cheating our entire relationship with multiple women and then would come home and put on this front of being such a great dad and partner to our friends and family. I feel traumatised.

I was naive. I was so stupid to not protect myself and the kids.

how do I move forward. Any advice? 😔

This is not true at all. Do not let him make you think this. See a solicitor.

novalia89 · 25/09/2023 22:18

Everdaywingingit · 24/09/2023 23:16

we were 50 50 share holders

How can someone who is 50 50 resign you? could you just resign him? of course not.

cutoffbynetflix · 25/09/2023 22:21

magicofthefae · 25/09/2023 07:13

Why not marry before kids?
In an ideal world, 100% marriage before kids.
But life gets messy, complicated and busy, and when you love or trust someone, it's easy to get into the mentality that 'we'll do it down the line'. Then 'the line' can be 10 or 20 years. Where the man makes excuses and kicks the can down the road, and the woman is so attached and dependent, it's hard to leave, until he leaves.

When a parent who has kids she is vulnerable regardless. You're vulnerable as a working mother to childcare availability, affordability, reliability, quality. You're vulnerable if you have DC that are disabled, on the government for support if you can't work due to you being a carer for them. You're vulnerable on your grandparents health and privileged retired status if they help out, your vulnerable on your husbands compromise on his career, if he helps or shares childcare and household duties equally. It's just that being a SAHP, especially unmarried, heightened that vulnerability.

Motherhood is the ultimate sign of relying on others to help. It's just different mothers choose different forms of what they depend on. Most mothers depend on childcare. They are vulnerable to the childcare system.

This. You cannot 'make' someone marry you, and it is emotionally difficult to make it a deal-breaker in a relationship, which otherwise functions well.

novalia89 · 25/09/2023 22:26

Rose38 · 25/09/2023 21:26

I'm pretty sure you can lay claim on the house because you have been living there all this time. Check online but I think you can add yourself as in interested party which should make it difficult for him to try and the sell it in the future.
Definitely see a solicitor to find out what your options are.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Read through this and maybe give citizens advice a call.

This, there have been cases of couple contributing differently and claiming ownership of the house even when they didn't legally own it.

chopc · 25/09/2023 22:43

I always say the person you separate from won't be the same person you have lived with happily for several years.

Anyway get some proper legal advise - even though you are not legally married you are like a "common law wife" so it is important to find out what you may be entitled to

SequentialAnalyst · 25/09/2023 23:35

@Everdaywingingit
Do not rely on information outside the country where you live. Even in the UK, the law in Scotland is different from the law in England.

I was a CAB Adviser in England, and we could not advise on anything to do with Scottish law, as opposed to English law. In fact, because CABs were/(are?) each separate, and because we are a locally delivered service, we could not advise people from outside our local catchment area.

magicofthefae · 26/09/2023 09:20

Panaa · 25/09/2023 21:33

@magicofthefae and @Iamanisland
We have those rules in Ireland. The rights kick in after 5 years of cohabiting or 2 years if there are dependent children.

Good on Ireland for protecting its vulnerable (usually woman and kids, but can be men also), I believe Australian also has 'defacto' marriage like laws similar to Irelands.

I hear what others are saying that it takes freedom from people who don't want to marry as it would disadvantage them. But the protection for the often more vulnerable might be more weighty, than the freedom of those who want the benefits of cohabitation without the commitment. At least someone who wants the freedom, can have the freedom to live in another house 2 doors down the road, without the legal or financial commitment, AND EVERYONE knows where they stand.

There is no false sense of stability and commitment. It black and white, this protects everyone in the long run imo. It breaks my heart to hear of mostly women being screwed over time and time again.

Plus, the child maintenance system needs to be overhauled. Children suffer. There is almost no enforcement there. Easy to evade paying for men that don't want to pay. Not like in America where it's much tougher to evade paying.

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