Unmarried and seperated. Was naive and can’t get over how someone can screw you over after 15 years from a moral standpoint.

[Everdaywingingit]

I understand there is no legal obligation if you are not married when it comes to splitting homes. But as a mum of two young kids, a 15 year relationship and haven been stupid enough to give up a everything to raise the kids while ex spent months away furthering his career I have screwed myself over hugely. He had an affair, left for the other women and that’s it. No claim over the home I’ve lived in for 8 years. I was resigned by him from what was our business that I was joint director of. I feel completely screwed over and don’t know how from a moral perspective a person can treat another in such a way. He is a high earner too. But he gives not a joy about all of our verbal agreements. I never ever imagined in my life that the kind, caring man I once knew could actually be such a lying, entitled, horrible man. Turns out he had been cheating our entire relationship with multiple women and then would come home and put on this front of being such a great dad and partner to our friends and family. I feel traumatised.

I was naive. I was so stupid to not protect myself and the kids.

how do I move forward. Any advice? 😔

You were not a idiot you were trusting someone you loved.
I think lots of women only really appreciate their vulnerability when this happens to them.
It certainly does shake your faith in the world.
Although being married gives some legal protection financially if you are dealing with a complete shit like you are things would always have been difficult.
Unless you have the funds for solicitors to pursue a man who lies and manipulates it is impossible to get what you are owed and even with expensive solicitors it can be ridiculously hard and protracted.
Our no fault divorce law also has a lot to answer for I think.
And even if you eventually manage to claw back something vaguely approaching a fair settlement this does nothing for the enormous trauma being lied to and betrayed by the person you trusted most in the world causes.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you have some good friends or family to support you.
This is why I would never marry or live with a man again.

Why not just marry before having children?

It is not that hard for people to think they need to rely on themselves and not others

How many times does the message have to be put there, it is not rocket science

We all have to own our choices

But the op needs a solicitor like hundreds and thousands of people who do the same, again and again

I agree he may not be able to just resign you from your directorship, what docs do you have that you can take to a solicitor? Don’t roll over here, look up any documents, reports or contracts you have or can find and take them with you.

And the children? Are they victims or somehow to blame for their own situation?

How can he resign you as a director?

might be worth a court case if you can prove that you maintain the home for the children for 15 years and I assume both your children? Speak to a solicitor

Put a charge on his house and get a business solicitor to sort out the legality of him resigning you from the business

start attacking him rather than defending yourself

Fair enough not getting married, but not being named on the mortgage is a total no no! And why did you give up working? If the children's father earns loads then he should've paid for childcare.

Anyway, the only thing you can do now is speak to a solicitor about the directorship situation. Maybe you could also go to court and argue that you've maintained the home for x number of years whilst he's been away working. Maybe you have a claim.

Aren't you just full of empathy and compassion NOT ... the girl has been raising her kids while her partner was working (screwing her over) and it probably made sense for her to stay at home with the kids ... I genuinely hope nothing will ever turn your life upside down but it will cause you reap what you sow ... unfortunately for you ... mean people who can't be nice eventually get karma

Why not just marry before having children?

What a marvellous suggestion. Could the OP borrow your time machine so that she can go back and make a different choice?

Why not marry before kids?
In an ideal world, 100% marriage before kids.
But life gets messy, complicated and busy, and when you love or trust someone, it's easy to get into the mentality that 'we'll do it down the line'. Then 'the line' can be 10 or 20 years. Where the man makes excuses and kicks the can down the road, and the woman is so attached and dependent, it's hard to leave, until he leaves.

When a parent who has kids she is vulnerable regardless. You're vulnerable as a working mother to childcare availability, affordability, reliability, quality. You're vulnerable if you have DC that are disabled, on the government for support if you can't work due to you being a carer for them. You're vulnerable on your grandparents health and privileged retired status if they help out, your vulnerable on your husbands compromise on his career, if he helps or shares childcare and household duties equally. It's just that being a SAHP, especially unmarried, heightened that vulnerability.

Motherhood is the ultimate sign of relying on others to help. It's just different mothers choose different forms of what they depend on. Most mothers depend on childcare. They are vulnerable to the childcare system.

Are you going to get legal advice?

https://accountsandlegal.co.uk/small-business-advice/can-you-remove-a-company-director-without-their-consent/#:~:text=The%20director%20is%20an%20employee,for%20wrongful%20or%20unfair%20dismissal.

Thank you all so much for your helpful advice. I will look into legal advice the directorship I’m just worried he will close down the company and start a new one and I will not even get dividends from the shares. As he has already threatened this multiple times.

Definitely you need some legal advice ASAP.

Having been in a similar situation my advise would be take stock of what you have and what you can do to earn money and free yourself from him and the situation.

You can waste energy and money chasing something from someone who is quite clearly determind to screw you over. I was married and that was worse as also had to get divorced and couldn't just walk away. I got nothing.

it's not fair and unjust but let that go and just focus on you and the children and getting your own independence and money. Good luck!

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune In my post above yours, which I posted about an hour before the post I've quoted, I explained that it's not always that simple.

I married mine in the early 1980s, because we were about to start TTC. He wasn't the man I thought he was, and I lost out financially in the divorce 2 decades+ later. 50-50, when he had earned virtually nothing and did no housework. Would I have married him if I'd known what he was really like (I thought I did!)? No.

You need to see a solicitor and claim all that you can. Share of the house, business money, child maintenance all that you can.

And remember he is not your friend get as much as you can for you and the kids to secure to all of you a good start.

I got shot down in flames recently for saying men cannot be trusted and to make sure girls protect themselves from this kind of situation from a young age.
But there are many many threads like this on mumsnet that we would be foolish to ignore.
It beggars belief that a man can treat the mother of his children like this, but you will survive I am sure, us women are resourceful because we have to be.

Oblomov23 · Yesterday 23:29
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You need some proper advice. You hold shares but he resigned you?

I know nothing of business law but that sounds completely wrong to me, too. How can he resign you?

I’m an unmarried mother. I chose to stay unmarried and it benefited me on the break up.

sorry this has happened to you op - if you have 50% of the voting shares he can’t remove you and you must resign voluntarily. So you could use this as leverage. As a pp said though, if it is effectively a personal service company, he could just start a new one.

indeed- marriage often doesn’t financially benefit women. And for many it makes no difference.

@Everdaywingingit

If he is threatening to close the business - you need to have your solicitor act ASAP. They can issue him with a letter stating your objections and prevent him from acting.
He is counting on you being passive and incompetent. You need to act now.

Nobody can "resign" someone. You resign from a post, job, etc yourself. This man has attempted to remove the OP as a director. We know what she means, though.

So take away rights from people who would like to live together and not marry?