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Original poster

Could you get over someone saying they were not attracted to you?

89 replies

Foolishgarden · 24/09/2023 16:45

My partner said this a year ago - and suddenly didn’t want to be intimate, even to kiss or hug. There was no big change in my appearance or obvious cause he just said he didn’t see me that way anymore.

We split up but now he wants to get back together (we have a DC together). But I can’t seem to feel comfortable around him, even doing normal things, let alone being intimate (we haven’t yet). I know this isn’t the right page - but for want of a better phrase am I being unreasonable for not being able to get over him saying that?

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/09/2023 16:50

I wouldn't want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who wasn't attracted to me.

HeffyAgain · 24/09/2023 16:52

Absolutely not!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2023 16:52

I wonder if he had met another woman a year ago hence his attitude towards you at the time.

I would not take him back given he said that 12 months ago and would be wondering what if anything has changed now. Hopefully you can both maintain a respectful relationship parenting wise.

wayyour · 24/09/2023 16:55

I wouldn't no.

Original poster
Foolishgarden · 24/09/2023 16:56

Thanks everyone. He isn’t really even saying he’s attracted to me now, or that he made a mistake saying those things. Just that he wants to give the relationship another go.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2023 17:02

Want better for yourself.

perfectcolourfound · 24/09/2023 17:03

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. Your partner should be attracted to you.... why would you want to be with someone who doesn't find you attractive?

And not only that - he told you as much. He must be really arrogant to think you'd want him back after that. Does he think you should be grateful he's showing you a wiff of interest???!!

I assume something (someone?) happened a year ago, and now he's realised the grass isn't always greener. Perhaps he enjoyed his home comforts / living with his children / someone doing his cleaning and cooking / the feeling of being a 'family man'. However, whatever his needs are now, they don't trump yours. And they it would not be worth losing your self respect by allowing him back.

OuiRagamuffin · 24/09/2023 17:09

Yeh, that's pointless. I'd be really turned off by somebody not being attracted to me. If we were in a relationship, that ''revelation'' would just kill it stone dead for me (too).

I don't think his attraction has returned. I think he wants the convenience / company of a family. For him, he thinks, why not, I could shag her occasionally and it 'd be easier to have a family life when I've nothing else going on.

YOU'D be mad obviously but you know that.

Original poster
Foolishgarden · 24/09/2023 17:09

I know it sounds crazy. But I think he thinks that if we give the relationship another go that the attraction might come back? That we would get the spark back?

But I can’t go forward like that it seems. I seem to be physically incapable of it. If he tries to hug me or anything I just freeze up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolishgarden · 24/09/2023 17:17

@OuiRagamuffin cross posted with you but yes that struck a chord. You say ‘you know that’ and sometimes I do but sometimes I think I should just try to keep the family together…

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 24/09/2023 17:19

Ask him why, given he's not attracted to you, does he want to be with you.

I'm guessing he wants home comforts.

Ilovelurchers · 24/09/2023 17:22

No. My ex said this to me one night on holiday in an argument. He apologised afterwards but never exactly took it back. The relationship limped on for some months (I was desperate to preserve it for some reason, despite being deeply unhappy) until finally he finished with me and kicked me out, all very awful.

Low and behold, a few months down the line he, too, decided he wanted me back. By then luckily I had built up the strength to say no.

It's a cruel thing to say to a sexual partner, even if it's true to some extent. I have never told someone I am in a relationship with that I've stopped finding them attractive. To some extent it's good to be honest, but that's such a personal thing that really strikes at the foundations of someone's self esteem. It did for me, anyway.

Original poster
Foolishgarden · 24/09/2023 17:23

@IncompleteSenten I have asked this he says he loves me and wants to be with me. And he doesn’t say he still isn’t attracted to me. He just doesn’t say the opposite! I think he thinks things might improve in time. But I would have to relax for that to happen and I can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolishgarden · 24/09/2023 17:26

@Ilovelurchers sorry you went through this too and yes this is it - my self esteem was destroyed when he said that. But over time I’ve built it up again to an extent. And now it feels like I can’t trust him - even if he said he thinks I’m the most beautiful woman on the planet (and he’s certainly not saying that!)

OP posts:
category12 · 24/09/2023 17:30

Foolishgarden · 24/09/2023 17:17

@OuiRagamuffin cross posted with you but yes that struck a chord. You say ‘you know that’ and sometimes I do but sometimes I think I should just try to keep the family together…

But the family is already broken up, it isn't together. You're not keeping anything together - you're considering taking a huge risk restarting a relationship that he already ended.

Don't you think it'll do far more damage to your child to get back together and then say in another year's time, he spots another likely prospect and buggers off again?

How can you ever feel easy or secure with him?

IncompleteSenten · 24/09/2023 17:32

Never mind what he wants - what do you want?
It doesn't sound like you want him back, more that you feel you ought to.

But if you would be unhappy - why do that to yourself?

Catsafterme · 24/09/2023 17:34

No, I wouldn't. That spark has come and gone once, what's the likelihood of it actually coming back or staying down the line.

Also, as much as you want to keep the family together, it's not already. Don't sacrifice yourself for the sake of the family. Family can be all manner of things in different ways, not just the vision you had starting out.

Chelsea543 · 24/09/2023 17:36

I’m pretty sure he must have met someone else or had a crush on someone which is why his feelings for you changed . You guys split and then he realised the grass isn’t greener and wants to go back to his “safe option.”

I would only go back if during your split he made you feel like he would do anything to be with you again. That he realised he was just being stupid and that he is madly in love with you and thinks you’re everything he wants. But it doesn’t sound like he’s done that, in fact it sounds like he’s just thinking it’s easier to get back with you.

Don’t teach your child that it’s ok to be treated like this. Your child needs to see you in a loving relationship with someone who’s madly in love with you. You can find that but you’ll be wasting years if you go back with your ex.

whatchulookinatwillis · 24/09/2023 17:36

Have a think about how his life would improve if you got back together.

Would he pay less rent? Not have to do his own cleaning? Have parenting support with his child? Be sharing bills rather than paying them by himself etc?

He's told you he's not attracted to you, so there must be another reason that he wants to be with you; what could it be?

It could be as simple as an average looking man thinking he can "do better" than his current partner; having a few months online dating, only to realise he's not the catch he thought he was and actually, you are the best he can do.

Whatever the reason, he's explicitly told you he has one foot out of the door, so why would you want to get back with him?

Oldthyme · 24/09/2023 17:39

Don’t take him back.
He’s probably found the grass is brown on the other side?

In a previous life I took my husband back and it was a year of hell. H just wanted the convenience of a housekeeper with benefits. I had to up sticks and leave again.

Leopards never change their spots.

MatildaTheCat · 24/09/2023 17:39

What was your relationship like before this happened? Did you ever have a strong physical reaction to one another? Did it fade slowly or was it sudden? Does he have a sexual reaction to anyone else/ porn etc?

Im not expecting answers but they are questions I’d be wanting to get answers to. Men and women can lose desire for many reasons. They may be attracted to someone else/ cheating but they could be caused by depression, stress, hormonal imbalances.

What seems to be missing now is emotional closeness. If you can’t communicate then the problem won’t be resolved. It might be patched up but not fixed.

Would he consider couples counselling to unpick the problems with a trained professional? If he wants you back and you are willing to try I think he owes you this.

Lampzade · 24/09/2023 17:48

Op, your ex partner’s head was turned by someone else. It didn’t work out and he realised that the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side.
It is not that he didn’t find you attractive, it is that he found another woman attractive and acted on it
He now wants to come back to something familiar and welcoming.
I wouldn’t be able to get over what he said tbh

I am very petty, so I would tell him that you no longer find him attractive

Lampzade · 24/09/2023 17:49

Chelsea543 · 24/09/2023 17:36

I’m pretty sure he must have met someone else or had a crush on someone which is why his feelings for you changed . You guys split and then he realised the grass isn’t greener and wants to go back to his “safe option.”

I would only go back if during your split he made you feel like he would do anything to be with you again. That he realised he was just being stupid and that he is madly in love with you and thinks you’re everything he wants. But it doesn’t sound like he’s done that, in fact it sounds like he’s just thinking it’s easier to get back with you.

Don’t teach your child that it’s ok to be treated like this. Your child needs to see you in a loving relationship with someone who’s madly in love with you. You can find that but you’ll be wasting years if you go back with your ex.

This

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/09/2023 18:15

Christ @Foolishgarden why are you even considering this?

It’s the worst kind of masochistic, self destructive, crushing non-choice, allowing yourself to be picked up again in this half-arsed way after he kicked your self esteem to pieces in front of you.

It’s simply the time to be brave and stick up for yourself. Don’t choose weakness.

SkiingIsHeaven · 24/09/2023 18:19

Tell him to F off. The other woman is obviously sick of him.