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Original poster

Could you get over someone saying they were not attracted to you?

89 replies

Foolishgarden · 24/09/2023 16:45

My partner said this a year ago - and suddenly didn’t want to be intimate, even to kiss or hug. There was no big change in my appearance or obvious cause he just said he didn’t see me that way anymore.

We split up but now he wants to get back together (we have a DC together). But I can’t seem to feel comfortable around him, even doing normal things, let alone being intimate (we haven’t yet). I know this isn’t the right page - but for want of a better phrase am I being unreasonable for not being able to get over him saying that?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 25/09/2023 13:53

Foolishgarden · 24/09/2023 16:56

Thanks everyone. He isn’t really even saying he’s attracted to me now, or that he made a mistake saying those things. Just that he wants to give the relationship another go.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who'l doesn't find you attractive? You deserve to be with someone who wants to touch you, wants to please you, wants to be intimate with you.

Original poster
Foolishgarden · 26/09/2023 22:19

Thank you all. I am trying to take your comments on board but then keep thinking I should ‘try again’…

@RandomForest why do you say sadistic?

OP posts:
HoneyBadgerMom · 26/09/2023 22:20

I didn't read the whole thread, but no. Never, ever make a man tell you more than once that he doesn't want you.

Loubelle70 · 26/09/2023 22:21

Tbh the hardest thing is your partner not being attracted to you and not telling you. I had this. He just treated me badly until i finished it because he was a coward.
You know where you stand, there is that. Leave him OP

Catsafterme · 26/09/2023 23:25

Foolishgarden · 26/09/2023 22:19

Thank you all. I am trying to take your comments on board but then keep thinking I should ‘try again’…

@RandomForest why do you say sadistic?

Would you not feel more comfortable and happy with someone who you knew found you attractive, that makes you feel wanted and in return you want them as well?

I can say without a doubt there would be no way I would make an innocent mistake by saying to someone I was in a relationship with that I didn't find them attractive. The only purpose for that is because that's how he felt or he was trying to make you feel like shit.

Either way, you shouldn't be having to worry about this in a relationship.

Beenhereforever1978 · 26/09/2023 23:31

ExH once said to me: I don't know why I find you attractive, you're a funny-looking bird.

It was once of the most devastating things I've ever heard, I'm sure he thought he was being hilarious but it showed me how much he wanted me to devalue myself and be grateful he was interested.

I live with my teenage son now and I'm very happy, funny looking or not 😀

Supersimkin2 · 26/09/2023 23:33

No. He’ll leave again.

Especially if you make it easy for him to come back now. He broke the fam up and he knows he can do it again without a fuss.

That’s too mean on DC. You’ll never stand a chance of getting a halfway decent partner.

If you want him back, arms’ length for a year. He’ll push for his own wants - push back with yours and DC’s needs.

powershowerforanhour · 26/09/2023 23:52

"It could be as simple as an average looking man thinking he can "do better" than his current partner; having a few months online dating, only to realise he's not the catch he thought he was and actually, you are the best he can do."

Given the fact that men have been shown to overestimate themselves (IQ, driving ability, attractiveness) and overestimate women's sexual interest in them, this could be it.

BettyPhuckzer · 27/09/2023 00:43

Why do you think you should try again, OP?

truthhurts23 · 27/09/2023 00:45

You are his placeholder , sorry OP

Saggypants · 27/09/2023 02:53

Foolishgarden · 26/09/2023 22:19

Thank you all. I am trying to take your comments on board but then keep thinking I should ‘try again’…

@RandomForest why do you say sadistic?

I noticed 'try again' in quote marks - are those his words?

My XH used that phrase, the translation was 'back on the hamster wheel with you putting up with the same old shit from me because I'm not changing'.

Took awhile for me to figure that out.

RantyAnty · 27/09/2023 05:11

Of course not.

He's likely lonely, bored, and horny is all.

Tilllly · 27/09/2023 05:27

Foolishgarden · 26/09/2023 22:19

Thank you all. I am trying to take your comments on board but then keep thinking I should ‘try again’…

@RandomForest why do you say sadistic?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, you must be going mad with it swirling round in your head

Should you try again? I think for your own peace of mind, you need to do something. Lots of you is saying it's over, PPs are saying it's over... but a bit of you is clinging to the 'what if...'

Perhaps counselling, perhaps a hard, honest conversation, but something that enables you to jump in or out, and not be in this limbo

Just curious, have either of you been in an other relationship since?

Original poster
Foolishgarden · 27/09/2023 09:24

@Tilllly yes the limbo is the worst…

I do feel obliged to try, I think because I was devastated initially and begged him many times to stay (I’m not proud of this) - so it doesn’t seem to make sense to just say I don’t want to try now…

Part of me thinks we should give it a go - but I think I worry I would be ‘stuck’, never trusting him and being unhappy, but not in a position to end it either…

He’s being really nice now but he was extremely cold to me for over a year - I find myself wondering which is the reality?

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolishgarden · 27/09/2023 09:27

Neither of us have been in other relationships (as far as I know).

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 27/09/2023 09:29

The cold. Nobody who genuinely cares about someone in a relationship goes cold on them, especially not that long.

Just because you wanted to give it another go doesn't mean you are bound by your feelings at the time. You are allowed to change your mind.

MariePaperRoses · 27/09/2023 09:43

You are dependable, solid, reliable and a nice enough companion but he's not attracted to you in the trouser department.

What a cheek he has thinking he can get back with you!

Pick your self esteem up and tell him no chance!

BettyPhuckzer · 27/09/2023 10:19

I really think you deserve more 🩵

Newestname002 · 27/09/2023 11:11

@Foolishgarden

He’s being really nice now but he was extremely cold to me for over a year - I find myself wondering which is the reality?

OP it takes energy to be so nasty to someone who, at some stage, you were supposed to really care about. He's still not really opened up, or suggested counselling or that he actually does care for and missed you has he so what, really, would you be gaining?

He may well have found the grass wasn't as green elsewhere as he was expecting when he hurt you so much and is now trying to reel you back in, which is why you may be feeling uncomfortable with him.

You did the "pick me" dance for him - listen to those feelings you have and do it for yourself now. 🌹

Original poster
Foolishgarden · 27/09/2023 11:18

@Newestname002 he has said he cares about me now - but I was really shocked at how he could seemingly not care about how upset I was for months and months - I don’t know if I can ever get over that tbh.

Can you go really go from not caring about someone else’s feelings to caring for them again? I’m not sure.

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 27/09/2023 11:30

Yeah, nah. He was eyeing up someone else & that hasn't panned out, now he wants to try again

Mari9999 · 27/09/2023 11:34

@Foolishgarden
The only thing that matters here is how you feel about this situation. Those are the feelings with which you will have to live.

In relationships levels of physical attraction can and often do fluctuate . it is not uncommon on MN to read a post where the OP and spouse or partner have not had sex for several years and they are banging right along.

Know what you can live with and make you choice based upon what will work for you.You and only you will be the one living with him..

RandomForest · 27/09/2023 11:35

You have to understand he hasn't changed, the love and respect was never there, not for you anyway, only himself.

He disgarded you and then when his other option was no longer available, he reeled you back in.

It would be unwise to trust this man again, he is unsafe.

CassieRole · 27/09/2023 11:36

Nope.

There has to be a physical attraction. Probably he just misses the convenience of a two income household.

HenryCavillsWife · 27/09/2023 12:25

Oh HELL no. He doesn't fancy you, he just wants the comfort of existing next to you. And he'll only do that until someone he does fancy appears. And then he'll resent you.

Don't. We all need to feel our partners fancy us, otherwise what's the point?