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Original poster

Could you get over someone saying they were not attracted to you?

89 replies

Foolishgarden · 24/09/2023 16:45

My partner said this a year ago - and suddenly didn’t want to be intimate, even to kiss or hug. There was no big change in my appearance or obvious cause he just said he didn’t see me that way anymore.

We split up but now he wants to get back together (we have a DC together). But I can’t seem to feel comfortable around him, even doing normal things, let alone being intimate (we haven’t yet). I know this isn’t the right page - but for want of a better phrase am I being unreasonable for not being able to get over him saying that?

OP posts:
CapEBarra · 24/09/2023 18:19

I reckon he had his head turned, went off you, the new woman didn’t work out, and now he wants to get his feet back under the table for companionship and home comforts. You deserve a man who thinks you’re amazing, someone for whom you are the first choice, not this lukewarm microwave reheated Willy.

CauldronOfLove · 24/09/2023 18:56

So now he wants you back?

Sounds like he thought the grass was greener, and it wasn’t!

You are really all that (and a bag of chips!). Shame he had to destroy your confidence in the process.

Well done for building back your self-esteem. Obviously it’s completely up to you if you want to get back together but it sounds like you’ve gone through the hard part of actually splitting. Going back and forth hoping for better isn’t going to do your DC any favours.

What an insensitive, arrogant man!

Sashya · 24/09/2023 23:57

I think if you are considering giving it a go again - you can't just push a restart button. You both need to open up and rebuild whatever was broken. And I think this can only be done with a counsellor and lots of effort on both sides.

As to the words he said a year ago - this is not the main issue, really. Or, rather, not the main issue in your relationship. It was a symptom of whatever was wrong and was going on at the time.

I don't know if you should try again or not. Try if you think there is still something worth saving. I'd try relationship therapy anyway. At a min - doing it can help you understand what happened a year ago and get closure.

Fallingthroughclouds · 25/09/2023 00:01

Relationships are complicated and I wouldn't be in a rush to write one off if it is good in other ways. It depends on what you want if you are happy with companionship and emotional support then this could very well work for you. If you want passion and soul searching then you need to move on. Please don't feel that someone out there won't think that you are the hottest thing since fresh toast.

Dery · 25/09/2023 01:33

Not read the full thread but just - no.

He’s broken up the family, not you. He was happy to shit on you from a great height when it suited him. It does sound very much like he had his eye on someone else and it’s not worked out so you feel like a safe bet for him. But how can you ever feel safe with him again? Truth is - you can’t. Your body is telling you that. That’s why you feel so uncomfortable around him. He broke your relationship beyond fixing. That’s on him.

amgisdance · 25/09/2023 01:42

A boyfriend I had at university said this to me once and even indicated across the room at a girl he said he did find attractive. I was gobsmacked because we hadn't been together long and he'd chased me! I broke up with him and after a month or so he kept trying to get back together with me but I was still gutted and pissed at him. Anyway I think he'd just had a "better offer" which didn't pan out and then he thought he could come back, I told him where to go.

Choppysue · 25/09/2023 01:48

No, he just wants to use you because you are convenient.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2023 02:20

Don't be daft. Your partner cheated on you, left you, and has now crawled back because it didn't work out with the other woman. He will do this again. Don't be a fool.

Totalwasteofpaper · 25/09/2023 02:24

I'm with @Chelsea543 there's no way I'd even THINK about returning unless he was moving heaven and earth.

It all sounds very minimal effort and path of least resistance/most convenience

RandomForest · 25/09/2023 02:34

Just No.

Original poster
Foolishgarden · 25/09/2023 06:58

Sashya · 24/09/2023 23:57

I think if you are considering giving it a go again - you can't just push a restart button. You both need to open up and rebuild whatever was broken. And I think this can only be done with a counsellor and lots of effort on both sides.

As to the words he said a year ago - this is not the main issue, really. Or, rather, not the main issue in your relationship. It was a symptom of whatever was wrong and was going on at the time.

I don't know if you should try again or not. Try if you think there is still something worth saving. I'd try relationship therapy anyway. At a min - doing it can help you understand what happened a year ago and get closure.

Thank you for all the replies - they are really making me think - and thanks @Sashya. Tbh this is his perspective - that we should try and work things out (I think he would be willing to go for counselling). That it was more a symptom of our relationship not being great than him doing anything terrible.

But I’ve been so hurt - I don’t know if trying is possible for me. I worry about feeling safe enough to even try and then yes about being unhappy long term. Even before he said that I suspected for years that something was wrong and it was like his words confirmed it…
I have a feeling that I don’t know what’s real, which version of him is the truth, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolishgarden · 25/09/2023 07:17

Chelsea543 · 24/09/2023 17:36

I’m pretty sure he must have met someone else or had a crush on someone which is why his feelings for you changed . You guys split and then he realised the grass isn’t greener and wants to go back to his “safe option.”

I would only go back if during your split he made you feel like he would do anything to be with you again. That he realised he was just being stupid and that he is madly in love with you and thinks you’re everything he wants. But it doesn’t sound like he’s done that, in fact it sounds like he’s just thinking it’s easier to get back with you.

Don’t teach your child that it’s ok to be treated like this. Your child needs to see you in a loving relationship with someone who’s madly in love with you. You can find that but you’ll be wasting years if you go back with your ex.

@Chelsea543 thank you for this. I think really deep down this is how I feel too - that it would require a big change, a real transformation of his attitude. Which hasn’t happened I have to say.

OP posts:
LyricalGangsta · 25/09/2023 07:35

Oh my word, absolutely not.
He destroyed your self confidence and probably made you feel not good enough and now wants to come back?
Sounds like he wanted to make a (lame) excuse to end things because he thought the grass was greener and that's all he could come up with.
Protect yourself and do not take him back. Absolute lunacy imo if you do - a lifetime off feeling unattractive. Sad

Newnamehiwhodis · 25/09/2023 07:39

No, I could not. It has happened to me, and I didn’t allow the creep back In my life when he wanted to come back. Just no.

RubiesandRose · 25/09/2023 07:41

I think you need to tell him that the bar for any new relationship for you (whether it is rekindled with him or something with someone entirely new) is that this person is bowled over by you, there's a strong mutual attraction and desire as well as a loving and supportive foundation to build on which unfortunately rules him out.

itsmyp4rty · 25/09/2023 07:45

He thought the grass was greener. Now he's found he can't get the porn star/model he thought he could and he's back for the bed warmer. I know what it's like as my OH told me after 25 years that he'd never been attracted to me. Take back control and your self esteem - and tell him he's not good enough for you and you're not feeling it anymore so this isn't going to work.

TarquinOliverNimrod · 25/09/2023 07:53

OP, with kindness, raise your bar higher. You won’t be happy with this man, you will always be wondering if you’re doing something, wearing something, god, even saying something that makes you appear ‘unattractive’ to this prince of a man. Your self esteem deserves better.

tkwal · 25/09/2023 07:58

The sudden change was because he had met someone else and their chemistry was still sizzling. You didn't suddenly become unattractive. I wouldn't even consider taking him back but if that's what you want to do, don't rush into it. He has to be honest with you about his behaviour. (The affair AND why he suddenly wants to come back)....IMO he discovered the other womans feet of clay...He has to acknowledge the enormous hurt he caused you and your children. You need to be honest with yourself. Could you go through all that again ? Put yourself first . He broke what you had, even if you try to put it back together you will always know the cracks are there.

Saggypants · 25/09/2023 08:04

All about him and his needs isn't it? Sounds like he's just at a loose end, and he's decided you'll do for now. Until he finds whatever he really wants.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 25/09/2023 08:18

@Foolishgarden I think that if I were you I would say to him, or maybe actually write to him, something along the lines of:

"When you told me a year ago that you no longer found me attractive, my rose tinted spectacles fell away and I realised that I had a sudden feeling of relief that I no longer had to play the game of happy families with you, or have you pawing at me anymore.
I think I might actually vomit now if you tried being intimate with me, so no I don't want to even try getting back with you. So please stop harrassing me about it, and let us move forward as two msture adult parents to our amazing Children, and just try to treat each other with respect, but nothing more".

Deathraystare · 25/09/2023 09:02

He has insulted you twice.first by saying he is not attracted to you, then be saying never mind your feelings, I don't give a shit, let's get back together (other woman has dumped me).
He really doesn't deserve you.

The answer too let's get back together is certainly not. Whyever would I want to.. of course he can still see the kids but he does not get you back.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/09/2023 09:27

I think the only fitting reply is that unfortunately you no longer find him attractive so it's best to just co parent amicably as best you can.

needtofatoff · 25/09/2023 09:57

Why would you want this. Its not like you suddenly put on 10 stone and have now lost it again (and that would still be shit on his part). Somethings can't be unsaid and i think this is in that category.

Takeabreather23 · 25/09/2023 11:05

Please doesn’t go back you deserve better !
He will do the same thing again when someone else catches his eye.

Sorry but he’s using you .like in early ever poster has said he’s been elsewhere and it’s not worked out no he wants an easy like .
Have more respect for yourself and don’t let your kids be messed around either.
I agree with the comment of telling him you don’t want to try again as you just aren’t attracted to him anymore.
.

RandomForest · 25/09/2023 13:49

But I’ve been so hurt - I don’t know if trying is possible for me. I
worry about feeling safe enough to even try and then yes about being
unhappy long term

This is your body and mind screaming at you to keep this man away, he is a very unsafe person, let alone partner.

Run as fast as you can, your future if you allow this abuser back in will be painful and destroying.

He's sadistic.

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