Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WTAF gaslighting boyfriend situation

93 replies

confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 15:27

NC for this. Need some advice from the wise women of MN.

Okay, so first of all, he's not my boyfriend, more of a casual FWB and I've only been seeing him for a few weeks. The sex has been amazing and all has been fine. However, from early on he was lovebombing me quite hard. I took this with a large pinch of salt - to me, it was just a bit of a game he was playing, and we both knew it wasn't real, but it made the sex more fun and I didn't mind.

However, today he's taken exception to me asking him a question about our sex life and for the past three hours(!!!) has been haranguing me about how I don't trust him because I questioned him on something very minor that happened during sex and then asked him about it again this morning. He was all like, we've built this foundation and you asking me that shows that you don't trust me and that what we built isn't deep enough. And I was like, okay, tried to explain where I was coming from, but also said, yes but we've only known each other a couple of weeks so is it really such an issue if I ask a question or need some reassurance? I said could he not just let it go?

Then he started saying how I was making it an issue and if I'd just stop going on about it then we could have dropped it ages ago, and please would I stop being in my head and how it's crazy I've turned this into such a big deal.

Okay I know what I need to do next but there's a part of me that just finds the whole situation really silly and I'm wondering if I could keep seeing him for the sex (which is amazing) and just not get drawn in to any of the rest of it? Or is that stupid and sure to lead to disaster? I know what I'd say if it was someone else asking but... I'm still asking.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 24/09/2023 15:33

I think you need to end it. If you continue for the sex it’s like he has the control and was right, because you’ve shut up and he’s still getting sex.

Original poster
confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 15:41

I know... but I'd also be getting sex. I guess I'm wondering if this going to end up hurting me even though I see it for what it is?

OP posts:
category12 · 24/09/2023 15:42

You should break it off - see the enormous billowing red flags, hear the honking great blaring sirens.

He's trying to mindfuck you and no matter how guarded you are or how silly you think he's being, he will start to break you down.

The fact you're asking and not running immediately means he's getting his claws in.

The sex is often amazing with the headfuckers.

Original poster
confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 15:45

Yes I think you're right. I feel conflicted even though I know what I should do... which means yes, he's got his claws in me to some extent.

And even though I could see clearly what he was doing it still upset me a bit. It's a mental attack.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 24/09/2023 15:46

Tbh the sex won't be the same now anyway. He's shown you who he is and that's basically a creepy fucker. I'd slam shut like a clamshell after that.

INeedAnotherName · 24/09/2023 15:46

However, today he's taken exception to me asking him a question about our sex life and for the past three hours(!!!) has been haranguing me

Nobody, but nobody, should be having a go at you for three hours!! Tell him to fuck off, and then fuck off some more. There are plenty of men who like the idea of FWB, he's not that special. Or go to LoveHoney 😉

BMW6 · 24/09/2023 15:50

He sounds bonkers. Don't fuck the insane OP.

category12 · 24/09/2023 15:51

confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 15:45

Yes I think you're right. I feel conflicted even though I know what I should do... which means yes, he's got his claws in me to some extent.

And even though I could see clearly what he was doing it still upset me a bit. It's a mental attack.

I mean, crikey, if it wasn't for the sex - would you let an acquaintance of a few weeks harangue you for 3 solid hours over a reasonable question? Or would you tell them to fuck off and never see them again?

Don't let a few orgasms fool you into hanging around for more abuse.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/09/2023 15:52

haranguing me about how I don't trust him because I questioned him on something very minor that happened during sex and then asked him about it again this morning. He was all like, we've built this foundation and you asking me that shows that you don't trust me and that what we built isn't deep enough

So whatever it was that you questioned him about, you can take it by his reaction that he 100% did it on purpose, or whatever. If you tell someone who innocently made a mistake "Hey, did you not hear me when I safe-worded/asked for a condom/told you not to call me Beryl?" they would be falling over themselves to apologise and mortified that they had hurt/upset you.

Not subjecting you to a 3hr argument about how you're building a deep foundation in this fuck buddy arrangement of 2wks duration, pffffffft.

Get him in the bin!

Original poster
confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 15:53

YukoandHiro · 24/09/2023 15:46

Tbh the sex won't be the same now anyway. He's shown you who he is and that's basically a creepy fucker. I'd slam shut like a clamshell after that.

Hmm I never thought of that. I still really fancy him... but yeah, it might not be the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 15:56

BMW6 · 24/09/2023 15:50

He sounds bonkers. Don't fuck the insane OP.

Haha this made me laugh!

Fucking hell, I appreciate these comments so much. I like to think I've got my shit together but I clearly am still vulnerable if I'm considering hanging on to this crazy person. We've left it as "everything's fine" and I'm still supposed to be seeing him in a few days... I need to find my strength here!

OP posts:
LadyMargaretDevereux · 24/09/2023 15:59

category12 · 24/09/2023 15:42

You should break it off - see the enormous billowing red flags, hear the honking great blaring sirens.

He's trying to mindfuck you and no matter how guarded you are or how silly you think he's being, he will start to break you down.

The fact you're asking and not running immediately means he's getting his claws in.

The sex is often amazing with the headfuckers.

Totally agree, @catcategory12 . Well put.

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 24/09/2023 15:59

He's already said that your thinking is 'crazy'.

It's a mental attack. It certainly is. This isn't just a few red flags, it's a whole production line of the things. For goodness sake dump him at high speed.

pickledandpuzzled · 24/09/2023 16:04

He's absolutely reeling you in. Alternating love bombing and punishment for questioning him.

Say you go along with it, because you can see exactly what he's doing... will you avoid questioning him again to avoid the harangue?

Step 1 in training now complete.

Step 2 might be something like, being very present all the time- in a good way- but enough that you do less stuff alone, and stop doing new things...

And so on.

category12 · 24/09/2023 16:05

confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 15:56

Haha this made me laugh!

Fucking hell, I appreciate these comments so much. I like to think I've got my shit together but I clearly am still vulnerable if I'm considering hanging on to this crazy person. We've left it as "everything's fine" and I'm still supposed to be seeing him in a few days... I need to find my strength here!

Show quote history

It's easy - message him and say something like "Sorry, we had fun, but this isn't going to work for me so I'm calling it quits here. All the best".

Then block him.

Do it now.

Original poster
confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 16:13

pickledandpuzzled · 24/09/2023 16:04

He's absolutely reeling you in. Alternating love bombing and punishment for questioning him.

Say you go along with it, because you can see exactly what he's doing... will you avoid questioning him again to avoid the harangue?

Step 1 in training now complete.

Step 2 might be something like, being very present all the time- in a good way- but enough that you do less stuff alone, and stop doing new things...

And so on.

Yes, I'll never question him again. But then couldn't I just... oh fcuk I'm totally trying to rationalise this.

These people are such headfucks. It really works, even when you can see what's happening.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 24/09/2023 16:17

If he’s like this after 2 weeks it would be madness to keep sleeping with him even if you know in up your mind it’s just for fun. You might be thinking his love no,bing is just a silly game but does he realise that or is he taking this seriously? What will he be like if you try to end it after you keep stringing him along for sex? He’s obviously at least a bit unhinged, it seems risky to stay in this just for sex now he’s started waving his red flags.

Ollifer · 24/09/2023 16:26

Lots of men are good in bed, you don't have to settle for shagging with a prick op

Mmhmmn · 24/09/2023 16:47

A pp has given you the perfect get-out line -

Hi, I won’t be seeing you on Xday after all. I just remembered I don’t fuck the insane 😂

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 24/09/2023 16:49

It depends what you asked and what it was. Need more context. Like if it's only FWB why ask anything at all or need reassurance?

Original poster
confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 16:55

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 24/09/2023 16:49

It depends what you asked and what it was. Need more context. Like if it's only FWB why ask anything at all or need reassurance?

It was that he tends to lose his election when I go down on him. Last time I asked did he not like doing that and he said it was fine. It didn't seem like the time for a big chat about it. So I asked today if there was something I could do differently and that's when it all kicked off and he was super offended that I'd asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 16:56

Mmhmmn · 24/09/2023 16:47

A pp has given you the perfect get-out line -

Hi, I won’t be seeing you on Xday after all. I just remembered I don’t fuck the insane 😂

Haha I love this!

OP posts:
Nenerseenthatmuchjunkbefore · 24/09/2023 16:59

I suspect that the question/little thing might be significant here too. You don’t need the complication of a new FWB love bombing you. As you’ve just seen, it blurs the boundaries.

Original poster
confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 17:02

Does the context really make such a difference? I mean, he answered the question and that was fine. But it was the whole thing about how me asking him again meant that I didn't trust or believe him and that my insecurity meant that the relationship we'd built wasn't deep enough or maybe it was too deep but at the same time it wasn't an issue, it was me who was making an issue by saying that I didn't think it was an issue and that we should just move past it and I'm crazy for making a big deal out of it and I need to stop being in my head...

OP posts:
Helpmepleaseimbusy · 24/09/2023 17:03

confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 16:55

It was that he tends to lose his election when I go down on him. Last time I asked did he not like doing that and he said it was fine. It didn't seem like the time for a big chat about it. So I asked today if there was something I could do differently and that's when it all kicked off and he was super offended that I'd asked.

Show quote history

Oh OP this is such a sensitive subject for guys honestly. I would say let it slide as its a FWB situ but the prob is if something else comes up you don't know how he will respond.

I'd maybe back out slowly it's a new thing and nothing serious.

Do you want something serious or just FWB situation? I'm talking about on general

Swipe left for the next trending thread