WTAF gaslighting boyfriend situation

[confuddled123]

NC for this. Need some advice from the wise women of MN.

Okay, so first of all, he's not my boyfriend, more of a casual FWB and I've only been seeing him for a few weeks. The sex has been amazing and all has been fine. However, from early on he was lovebombing me quite hard. I took this with a large pinch of salt - to me, it was just a bit of a game he was playing, and we both knew it wasn't real, but it made the sex more fun and I didn't mind.

However, today he's taken exception to me asking him a question about our sex life and for the past three hours(!!!) has been haranguing me about how I don't trust him because I questioned him on something very minor that happened during sex and then asked him about it again this morning. He was all like, we've built this foundation and you asking me that shows that you don't trust me and that what we built isn't deep enough. And I was like, okay, tried to explain where I was coming from, but also said, yes but we've only known each other a couple of weeks so is it really such an issue if I ask a question or need some reassurance? I said could he not just let it go?

Then he started saying how I was making it an issue and if I'd just stop going on about it then we could have dropped it ages ago, and please would I stop being in my head and how it's crazy I've turned this into such a big deal.

Okay I know what I need to do next but there's a part of me that just finds the whole situation really silly and I'm wondering if I could keep seeing him for the sex (which is amazing) and just not get drawn in to any of the rest of it? Or is that stupid and sure to lead to disaster? I know what I'd say if it was someone else asking but... I'm still asking.

So, he can hold it together for a sane text message. So what?

Does that mean you were not harangued for 3 hours?
Does that mean he hasn't lovebombed you like mad?

I did have to stop myself from asking if you were shagging Boris when I saw this update.

Reading your latest posts I agree he's being calculated in taking things very nicely and wishing you the best, he expects you to go back. Just steer clear op.

God I know all this intellectually and I know if this was someone else's post I'd be saying alllllll the same things you lovely people are saying to me. But when you're in it, it's so confusing and destabilising. I think I just have to say, even if I got it all wrong, it was still right to end it. Even just the love bombing alone was enough for me to end it... and it's not like there aren't any other men in the sea!

No, you're right. It's just one sane message in a whole load of madness. I won't respond. It's over and I hope that his being "sane" about it will mean that's an absolute end to it.

@confuddled123 I know. Sorry I'm being very direct but I hope you don't think I'm being rude!

You sound like you've got your head screwed on. It's not that. Abusers don't just go for idiots!

It's good that you've recognised it. Good that you've recognised the love bombing and the gaslighting

But I do think you need to be careful. Because despite seeing all of that you were making excuses for him and hadn't (still haven't?!) blocked him.

But I'm glad you're here and everything people are saying is making sense.

It's his problem. And it's not up to you to fix him or even understand what makes him behave this way.

No you're not being rude @sodthesodoff and I agree with everything you've said. I do need to be careful and honestly I really needed this thread today! I'm proud of myself that I saw him for what he is and that I've ended it, at the same time as recognising that I was making excuses and doubting myself. A breakthrough for me is realising I don't need to be sure, I don't need to be right. It's what I feel and it's okay for me to act on that.

I've been in abusive relationships in the past and so I did see all the signs but I think that step of really trusting myself and protecting myself is harder to take than I realised. Especially when I was never in love with him, and was really in it just for the sex. I felt like, this is silly, why does it matter if I just go along with his game?

But this thread has been a great support and I feel better for having ended it with him.

It’s lovely to see you ‘progressing’ from spotting the red flags to trusting yourself enough to end that relationship.

But now…l Have you blocked him?

Thank you. Yes, all done!

Just venting here. Just remembered how I said something in the beginning of the discussion along the lines of how I didn't like feeling he was angry with me, and he was like wow, wtf, are you really saying that I'm angry, that's such a basic thing to say, I can't believe you would say that. I said, well your tone seems kind of angry and he was like, wtf are you talking about, these are messages, there isn't any tone in messages!

I probably should have ended the conversation at that point but I was just like... wtaf is going on here? Knowing he was just going to say anything to try to make me feel bad. I think it really pissed him off that I didn't play along as much as he obviously thought I would. I was like, okay sorry for making an assumption, and sorry for asking a question, but actually I haven't really done anything wrong and this isn't really an issue. He was like, now you're calling it an issue and using the word 'wrong', you're blowing this up into a huge issue when it would all just stop if you stopped going on about it. I was like, great, so we agree then, it's not an issue. Which I don't think he expected me to say and that put a stop to it, finally.

I mean, maybe he just wanted to get rid of me and he thought he'd do it this way. Or maybe he just wanted to be in control of me and train me to not ask questions. Or maybe he was actually really angry (certainly felt that way) and he just needed to punish me for that. I'll never know.

And I'm just venting/processing. Definitely feeling happier with my decision with every minute that passes and with each little thing I remember.

It's the cycle, nice and sincere to tug on your emotions and reel you in then back to acting off again and around and around you go. It does make you feel crazy because that's exactly what it does. Then they go, look at you, you're insane!

I doubt he was pushing you away, it would have been he was angry, because you had an opinion and that opinion was questioning his behavior. They don't like that. It would be setting the foundation of control, to snare you emotionally.

If you haven't blocked him £10 there's more mind fuckery to come.

👏👏👏👏

Youll never know why he acted that way.
And does it matter? Regardless of why, you are well rid off.

If someone makes you feel unbalanced and slightly crazy then walk away. Don't ask why. Don't make excuses for them. They are deliberately making you doubt yourself and only mean, nasty people do that. Always walk away.

It might be a fwb for you but it isn’t for him…he thinks it a relationship, and it’s not a healthy on either. He is going to be difficult to get rid of. Stop sleeping with him as it’s leading him on. Good luck, you are gonna need it!

I was 100% clear it was fwb and also that it wasn't exclusive (I think that's implied in fwb, but I made it super clear.) I don't think he thought it was a relationship but I think he probably wanted me to fall in love with him. The love bombing was crazy and I definitely should have walked away but I kind of thought he knew that I knew it wasn't real, so it was harmless? I mean, I just thought it was a game, like a role play type of thing. But now I wonder if he expected me to believe him? I didn't think he was genuinely love bombing me - I thought he was playing a role and that we both knew that.

Ugh. It's all very twisted.

But yes, I've ended it with him.

I reckon it was a power trip. You wanted something casual, to maintain your independence & freedom while having some good sex & companionship.

He, on the other hand - his ego is not satisfied with that sort of equality of purpose - he wants to have the power in the dynamic. He doesn't want you to be able to take or leave it, he wants you to be fully focused on him and at his disposal.

Yes I think you're right. Also, to be fair, he probably just can't help himself playing out this dynamic every time. It will be the same with every woman. But I think it probably made him angry that I didn't fall for him the way he wanted me to.

I remembered something that happened yesterday. He sent me a message calling me a horrible name and I was like wtf was that all about. He said he was really sorry, that it was intended in a jokey way etc but apologies he could see it hadn't come over that way. I said okay, no worries, and changed the subject and hours later he was messaging me again saying how he was sorry, he assumed I knew him well enough but obviously he was wrong to assume I'd know he was joking etc. That he thought I knew him better than to think he would have been serious etc etc. And I was like, yeah like I said, no worries! And I said - jokingly, and it was clear I was joking - don't worry about it, I knew you were just being a little c*. Pretty sure that made him mad and is probably what triggered all the shit today.

The love bombing is an act it's selling you exactly what you want, only it obviously didn't work as intended otherwise you wouldn't have been on here. Had you not been on here though?

One thing that has been consistent in my experience is they can be as cold and vile towards you but the moment you say something back, even in jest, in the same context as they did to you, ooh no.

At the start it's testing your limits, slip it in there see the reaction and gauge the push back. Only, when you're say years down the line the absolute venom that is spewed at you with absolutely no remorse or compassion is unsettling. Being looked at and spoken to like you disgust them.

Fucking bonkers.

OP, im so glad you ended this mess.
it is NORMAL and healthy to discuss sex with a sexual partner. To ask - is there something you’d like better, etc - it’s normal.
the way he twisted it into “you don’t trust me” is just completely sick.
you did nothing wrong. He’s creating drama already, twisting things around to pick arguments and put you in the wrong - that is just a whole parade of red flags right there. And the love bombing. Just ugh- this is not good.

If there's one thing I can tell you from my recently failed relationship...
I dated a man who would lecture me for hours about how he was right and I was wrong. It escalated significantly. By the end he had to be arrested and placed on bail to leave me alone 🫠. Walk away.

Honestly, thank you - I'm so glad too! Woke up this morning feeling better and lighter than I have done in a while. In fact, the first thought in my head was, "I'm free!" Not that I'd ever thought I was un-free, but clearly I was being drawn deeper into his weird bullshit every day.

I keep thinking of dumb and manipulative things he said - he really let the mask drop all the way! He must have thought his love bombing had totally got me and it was time to start messing. But actually I think he was just in a mad rage and he couldn't help himself. It must have made him furious that I was so calm and rational... and then dumped him.

I did take all the blame for the dumping though. I put it all on me because I thought that was easier/safer. I wanted to say, you're crazy, I don't do drama, or something like that, but that would have made him angry and I didn't want anymore bullshit, so I decided to give him the win he so desperately wants, in the hope that he'll leave me alone forever.

Fwb is meant to be light hearted, fun, not occupy your head between meets etc.

It's so early on and sounds really intense, I would knock it on the head. If you do want fwb, there are plenty, PLENTY of men wanting this. This isn't worth it.

Sorry, cross post. Well done! Hang on to the 'I'm free!' feeling.

Also take the time to establish from this what you're looking for. If it's FWB then next time go in to it being really clear with your potential FWB-ee how its going to work for you.

I was SUPER clear with him about what I wanted and what works for me. As I am with all my FWB. Super, super clear so there's no room for confusion or blurred lines, and happy to check in and make sure everything's still clear all the way.

This definitely isn't my fault for not being clear or not knowing what I want.

So he likes to keep people walking on eggshells, he likes to call the shots and be in control of the dynamic.

He doesn't like people using firewalls, pausing to breathe and being rational. He likes to play, and wants you to scurrying about trying to work out the rules.

You walked away from the board.

It might seem a sensitive question you put to him, but isn't that the point and the freedom that fwb should give? Freedom to ask what turns each other on sexually? If you can't ask about what does or doesnt work for fear of a 3 hour harranging about it, it's not going to be fun going forward.
You've got the spotting of flags half right, but after a couple of weeks, and looking at your subsequent posts detailing what and how he said things, it looks like you've not been able to remain detached enough emotionally. You are going over and over it and giving it too much headspace for a fwb of 2 weeks. Why this fwb has got to you more than others, is probably the familiarity his abuse feels, as you've experienced it before. Maybe you still have work to do, unfortunately there can be an odd comfort from the familiar as opposed to an immediate rejection of it, which is where you want to aim to be at. It's why people who have been abused before think twice about ending stuff, and think more than others do.