WTAF gaslighting boyfriend situation

[confuddled123]

NC for this. Need some advice from the wise women of MN.

Okay, so first of all, he's not my boyfriend, more of a casual FWB and I've only been seeing him for a few weeks. The sex has been amazing and all has been fine. However, from early on he was lovebombing me quite hard. I took this with a large pinch of salt - to me, it was just a bit of a game he was playing, and we both knew it wasn't real, but it made the sex more fun and I didn't mind.

However, today he's taken exception to me asking him a question about our sex life and for the past three hours(!!!) has been haranguing me about how I don't trust him because I questioned him on something very minor that happened during sex and then asked him about it again this morning. He was all like, we've built this foundation and you asking me that shows that you don't trust me and that what we built isn't deep enough. And I was like, okay, tried to explain where I was coming from, but also said, yes but we've only known each other a couple of weeks so is it really such an issue if I ask a question or need some reassurance? I said could he not just let it go?

Then he started saying how I was making it an issue and if I'd just stop going on about it then we could have dropped it ages ago, and please would I stop being in my head and how it's crazy I've turned this into such a big deal.

Okay I know what I need to do next but there's a part of me that just finds the whole situation really silly and I'm wondering if I could keep seeing him for the sex (which is amazing) and just not get drawn in to any of the rest of it? Or is that stupid and sure to lead to disaster? I know what I'd say if it was someone else asking but... I'm still asking.

It's just nuts, OP. This is two weeks in and he's talking absolute horseshit about having built a deep connection and relationship.

You've known each other 2 weeks! Of course you don't have a deep relationship or connection.

How about sending him the kthanxbye message now?

Okay I get it's sensitive but he answered the question, I was like, okay understood. And then all the rest of it happened.

So do you think this is my fault for asking this particular question?

I'm not looking for something serious with this man, no. I was clear about that from the start.

I know, you're right... I need to do it. But now I'm second-guessing myself, did I just trigger him because like pp said it was a sensitive question? Is it that he felt embarrassed or... am I just rationalising the irrational?

You're rationalising.

Even as a sensitive topic, how is being harangued for 3 hours and all the accusations and crazy-making, a proportionate response from him?

It's not. It's nutty.

This is supposed to be a light-hearted friends with benefits scenario, fun, great sex, few laughs.
Not being ranted at for hours on end.
Not being lovebombed.

What is your relationship history that this looks even slightly OK to you?

Once you start posting threads about him on Mumsnet, it is pretty much done, good sex or no.

So do yourself a favour and dump him. He ain't worth it love.

Jesus. From experience of not listening to my gut and continuing into marriage with the insane, run. Run a mile and don't look back, they do immense damage.

I've never done FWB situation but isn't the whole point not to like, get attached in that way?

You are already in dangerous territory.... This is a new arrangement /relationship with no real ties, the wirld has blown up over something very minor, you can see what he is doing...... But still you are trying to come up with reasons why you would be over reacting to block him, why this could have been your fault...
He will not change and after every incident it will became harder and harder for you to get out

Just stop

Can't you even see what you're doing?

You're asking if it's your fault a man had a go at you for three hours. Because it's okay as it was about his erection

No. Doesn't matter whatever the fuck you asked him.

Red flags everywhere. And the fact you're trying to excuse it means you're not as safe as you think.

I hear you, I promise. And I'm going to end it. I think I need the sanity check because I'm really questioning myself and reading over his messages where he's saying, I'm just trying to communicate with you and "did I ever say it was a big deal" and I'm like, is it me? He has made me feel crazy and like I don't even know my own mind, so yes, I know, I need to end it now.

Heed mine and many others warnings, they do not change. You have had a glimpse into what lies underneath and if you think that's bad, it gets worse.

Look how far you are in currently and he has managed to make you doubt yourself already, the way you are talking sounds like your self esteem is maybe taking a hit too.

Understand how deceptive and damaging these people are with emotions and psychologically, it's subtle. I'm a guy and I had no idea what I was in for with my marriage, I was like you a decade ago ignoring all the signs and it nearly destroyed me and they ain't done yet either.

There will be other men out there who can replace him for sex, those who are not insane or emotionally unstable.

And yes, it is very much a case of you cannot reason with the unreasonable.

Well, let us know what happens.

Please end it.
Hell just get more and more controlling with more and more gaslighting. It will make it 100x times harder for you to leave because you’ll be questioning yourself all the time.

He is a FWB. Not a bf (and certainly not bf material anyway). Protect yourself!

Excellent advice here OP. He's trying to train you to tread carefully and not 'provoke' this reaction again. It's an exhausting game to play - do not bother!

Absolutely loving the erection/election typo 😂

Haha was wondering if anyone would spot that!

Okay, thanks all. Have sent a message saying thanks but bye. I know it's the right thing to do but I did really need the push!

Well done 👏

Well done OP the love bombing is a game.

The hours of harassment over it is who he really is.

Thank you! I appreciate everyone's comments and your patience with me! I knew what I had to do but it was still so hard... and that's like a few weeks in! But the love bombing was a big red flag... I should have dropped it then but I thought I could handle it. Never try to play a player, I guess!!

Love MN.

Damn it, he actually sent a really nice, sane response saying it's all fine and he wishes me the best... now I really do feel crazy.

Nope. He's done that on purpose too.

Don't respond. There's a good chance he'll try fishing again.

And honestly, why are you worrying about misreading him when he's not worried about haranguing you for three hours.

He sounds so sincere.

Fucking hell, my head is spinning.

Block.

He wanted to keep you guessing and doubting yourself. And he is still doing that now.
Youve decided to step out if that relationship (very wisely btw). So that’s it. No need to still see his messages etc….

No, I'm not going to respond. Will just leave it there. I don't want another discussion like the one we had today and even though I wanted the sex, a pp was right it wouldn't be the same again. I think I would even be a little bit scared now, after seeing this other side to him. Just feel a bit gutted that we couldn't just have kept having fun. Why did it have to turn into this big drama?

It's the abusers handbook

Block. It's the only sane way

Do you think abusers are always arseholes? No. They have to be nice sometimes to lull you into a false sense of security.

And here you are - doubting yourself.

Block. And move on.