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Original poster

WTAF gaslighting boyfriend situation

93 replies

confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 15:27

NC for this. Need some advice from the wise women of MN.

Okay, so first of all, he's not my boyfriend, more of a casual FWB and I've only been seeing him for a few weeks. The sex has been amazing and all has been fine. However, from early on he was lovebombing me quite hard. I took this with a large pinch of salt - to me, it was just a bit of a game he was playing, and we both knew it wasn't real, but it made the sex more fun and I didn't mind.

However, today he's taken exception to me asking him a question about our sex life and for the past three hours(!!!) has been haranguing me about how I don't trust him because I questioned him on something very minor that happened during sex and then asked him about it again this morning. He was all like, we've built this foundation and you asking me that shows that you don't trust me and that what we built isn't deep enough. And I was like, okay, tried to explain where I was coming from, but also said, yes but we've only known each other a couple of weeks so is it really such an issue if I ask a question or need some reassurance? I said could he not just let it go?

Then he started saying how I was making it an issue and if I'd just stop going on about it then we could have dropped it ages ago, and please would I stop being in my head and how it's crazy I've turned this into such a big deal.

Okay I know what I need to do next but there's a part of me that just finds the whole situation really silly and I'm wondering if I could keep seeing him for the sex (which is amazing) and just not get drawn in to any of the rest of it? Or is that stupid and sure to lead to disaster? I know what I'd say if it was someone else asking but... I'm still asking.

OP posts:
Maplestars · 25/09/2023 13:58

I think that’s a sensitive subject, but making it your problem and not letting it go and gaslighting you about the seriousness of the relationship are all red flags.
I think he’s trying really hard to control you. Obviously you don’t care right now, but he’s only going to step it up.
is the sex worth the risk that you end up a bit like a frog in slowly boiling water, and suddenly it’s too late. You already have learned not to question him on anything, and not to trust him. What else is he teaching you?

Original poster
confuddled123 · 25/09/2023 14:01

You are going over and over it and giving it too much headspace for a fwb of 2 weeks.

No, I'm not. I processed it here yesterday and responded to comments this morning.

It's why people who have been abused before think twice about ending stuff, and think more than others do.

Maybe? But honestly, I think that we put a lot on the 'victim' in these situations. Whereas in fact, the behaviour that these people use is designed to draw you in and destabilise you, and it's extremely effective. Anyone can be targeted by these people - I don't think you need to be vulnerable at all. It's just that some people don't get out quickly enough, because they don't have the knowledge, the resources or maybe the self-confidence. I had all these things and I drew upon my resources (i.e. Mumsnet) to get out.

OP posts:
Original poster
confuddled123 · 25/09/2023 14:04

Maplestars · 25/09/2023 13:58

I think that’s a sensitive subject, but making it your problem and not letting it go and gaslighting you about the seriousness of the relationship are all red flags.
I think he’s trying really hard to control you. Obviously you don’t care right now, but he’s only going to step it up.
is the sex worth the risk that you end up a bit like a frog in slowly boiling water, and suddenly it’s too late. You already have learned not to question him on anything, and not to trust him. What else is he teaching you?

As a pp said, it's normal and healthy to talk about sex with your sexual partner. Definitely didn't need the 3 hours of gaslighting and manipulation attempts!

And yes, don't worry, I'm well out of it now. Ended. Blocked. Deleted. Over it!

OP posts:
Startingagainandagain · 25/09/2023 14:22

So much drama after a couple of weeks?

Just get rid.

category12 · 25/09/2023 17:13

confuddled123 · 24/09/2023 23:00

Yes I think you're right. Also, to be fair, he probably just can't help himself playing out this dynamic every time. It will be the same with every woman. But I think it probably made him angry that I didn't fall for him the way he wanted me to.

I remembered something that happened yesterday. He sent me a message calling me a horrible name and I was like wtf was that all about. He said he was really sorry, that it was intended in a jokey way etc but apologies he could see it hadn't come over that way. I said okay, no worries, and changed the subject and hours later he was messaging me again saying how he was sorry, he assumed I knew him well enough but obviously he was wrong to assume I'd know he was joking etc. That he thought I knew him better than to think he would have been serious etc etc. And I was like, yeah like I said, no worries! And I said - jokingly, and it was clear I was joking - don't worry about it, I knew you were just being a little c*. Pretty sure that made him mad and is probably what triggered all the shit today.

Oh, totally agree he'll be the same with anyone. He's testing for weak boundaries to exploit.

That name-calling was a boundary test -

  1. say something completely out of order
  2. apologise enough to avoid being dumped on the spot
  3. blur the lines & make out it's the other person overreacting or being "too sensitive" (denial)
  4. inject guilt / reverse victim & offender by suggesting the other person is being horrible in some way to have "misunderstood"

It's a good way of putting a person on the back-foot and confusing them, making them doubt themselves. Am I too sensitive? Am I being silly? Etc etc.

Original poster
confuddled123 · 25/09/2023 17:26

Yes, totally agree on the name-calling and the manipulative 'sorry you don't understand me' bullshit. I just think it backfired on him because I was like, oh okay, no worries, you were joking - and then made a similar level of joke in response. I think that made him angry and so he felt the need to find something to have a go at me about. Bonkers!

OP posts:
category12 · 25/09/2023 17:32

Yeah, he overplayed his hand too early.

Catsafterme · 25/09/2023 17:47

category12 · 25/09/2023 17:32

Yeah, he overplayed his hand too early.

Yeah they are definitely testing boundaries, how much will you put up with. Looking back mine said and did some questionable things. I remember pushing back in the earlier days but I guess at some point I lost myself in it and now I am where I am.

He'll learn from this mistake and adapt with the next unfortunate soul.

Original poster
confuddled123 · 25/09/2023 17:51

Totally. Not smart. But also, I do think he didn't realise that I wasn't actually taken in by the love bombing and that I wasn't crazy about him. I was always super honest that it was fwb for me and really all about the sex, but I think he thought that I'd fallen for him. So he thought it would be devastating to me to be confronted with the risk of losing him!

Either that, or he was bored of me and wanted to get rid of me. He had a LOT of anger towards me, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
confuddled123 · 25/09/2023 17:54

He'll learn from this mistake and adapt with the next unfortunate soul.

Maybe. But that would require insight and self-reflection. I suspect it's more likely that he'll do exactly the same thing with every single woman he ever meets. It's not possible for him to 'fail', you see.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/09/2023 17:56

Men like that don't like women. At all. They hate us and want to control us.

He probably believes the stereotypes that women can't have sex without falling for the guy. Probably thought you were lying

Newestname002 · 25/09/2023 18:02

@confuddled123

I remembered something that happened yesterday. He sent me a message calling me a horrible name and I was like wtf was that all about. He said he was really sorry, that it was intended in a jokey way etc but apologies he could see it hadn't come over that way.

So he was lying when he said that messages have no tone...

You sound pretty together and, whilst sensible and strong in yourself, able to ask for and take good advice from people who are outside the immediate bubble. "I'm free!" really illustrates you were right to shut this down - and how you did it reduced the drama and protected you. Onwards and upwards! 🌹

Catsafterme · 25/09/2023 18:58

confuddled123 · 25/09/2023 17:54

He'll learn from this mistake and adapt with the next unfortunate soul.

Maybe. But that would require insight and self-reflection. I suspect it's more likely that he'll do exactly the same thing with every single woman he ever meets. It's not possible for him to 'fail', you see.

Yeah you're probably right. Not known for self reflection or insight.

As I said I've never done it but I don't know why you would even lay down that stress if it was FWB. Like you said you may discuss sex and I assume, some sort of common interests, but that level of expectation seems the total opposite of that arrangement?

The anger may have been that you didn't go with it as easily as he had expected and that maybe felt like some form of rejection. He would have likely started dictating more over time and changing the dynamic.

Original poster
confuddled123 · 25/09/2023 19:19

that level of expectation seems the total opposite of that arrangement?

What level of expectation do you mean? His expectations of being able to control me?

I don't know. What I've learned is that fwb is very tricky for many men. They don't know how to do the 'friends' bit and/or they get very jealous/competitive about the idea that they may be one of a few people you're seeing regularly. They think fwb just means no strings sex - but actually fwb requires a lot of communication and connection if it's going to work.

I think with the psycho guy, he thought he'd reel me in with the idea that we had something deep and special and unique. I think it's just wanting control and also wanting to be the best/first/only person in my life. He isn't someone capable of having any kind of healthy relationship, as far as I can tell.

OP posts:
Original poster
confuddled123 · 25/09/2023 19:23

Newestname002 · 25/09/2023 18:02

@confuddled123

I remembered something that happened yesterday. He sent me a message calling me a horrible name and I was like wtf was that all about. He said he was really sorry, that it was intended in a jokey way etc but apologies he could see it hadn't come over that way.

So he was lying when he said that messages have no tone...

You sound pretty together and, whilst sensible and strong in yourself, able to ask for and take good advice from people who are outside the immediate bubble. "I'm free!" really illustrates you were right to shut this down - and how you did it reduced the drama and protected you. Onwards and upwards! 🌹

Thank you!

And yes - it's funny how it never occurred to him that I could scroll up through his messages and see him contradicting himself! The idea that messages have no tone is... quite something. I think he was just saying anything at that point in the hope of scrambling my head. And to be fair, he didn't do a bad job. But unluckily for him, I have a MN account and also this is not my first rodeo!

OP posts:
Original poster
confuddled123 · 25/09/2023 19:27

category12 · 25/09/2023 17:56

Men like that don't like women. At all. They hate us and want to control us.

He probably believes the stereotypes that women can't have sex without falling for the guy. Probably thought you were lying

I'm sure he had no idea I could be immune to his charms! I mean, he was extremely charming, very attractive, very sexy, and he put on his most gorgeous and alluring mask for me... I expect it's not often that it doesn't work exactly how he planned it. It probably wouldn't even have occurred to him that I might not have fallen for him!

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Catsafterme · 25/09/2023 19:42

@confuddled123 Yeah, I mean I dunno whats involved or how that generally works other than what you've said but I meant for him to expect that kind of drama/control to be well received in that setup. I would have thought it would be a less pressured arrangement that wouldn't get to those kind of conversations.

I can understand what you mean about it not working for some though, that makes sense.

Original poster
confuddled123 · 25/09/2023 20:23

I think you're overthinking it @Catsafterme . That kind of drama wouldn't be well received in any kind of set up! Or shouldn't be. I think we did move fast from talking to dating to hooking up so maybe he's also moved fast through his idealise-devalue-discard cycle. But also, honestly, I really do think he thought he'd 'got' me, that I'd fallen for him. The love bombing was pretty intense from very early on. It's just he didn't realise I wasn't taking it seriously, that I just thought of it as a game that we both knew he was playing. So I wasn't buying into it, I was just like, well this is fun, I like the attention and the sex... I was never into him emotionally or invested in a future or thinking that there was something special between us. But I don't think he realised that.

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