Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Oh! Thank you!! 🙏🏼

The thing is that, for all of us, there isn’t a solution. Hendrickx was correct, either we accept the marriage is not equal/fair/supportive/kind and find ways to cope with it - or we don’t.

all marriages have positives and negatives and conflicts so these problems are within the realms of “normal” - but reading your stories, well, it’s NOT normal. It’s not kind.

he promised me he’s be a good husband and he thinks that earning money makes him a good husband. In many ways it does, there are millions of women who would swap with me in a flash. But I am lonely and disappointed, I thought I was getting a partnership. I wanted that, affection, security and joy.

I miss joy.

it was there when the kids were babies, he did like that. Maybe I’ll wait to see if grandchildren spark that joy thing again, but I doubt it.

i feel bad thoigh. Another woman would tolerate this life and he would be so happy.

Howeever, I can’t. Not won’t, but can’t.

im trying a side hustle that I’ve thought about for years. If I can save some money up then I’m off.

m I think he’ll be happier too. Not at first, at first he’ll be furious, but, he doesn’t like living with me and my mess/noise/smelly candles. He is happier living alone and I will be less lonely if I live alone.

@stealtheatingtunnocks I echo everything you have said here.

I’ve reached my limit and now create my own joy. Building my community, building a business.

Enough is enough.

Not having read through all the posts. Obv. 9 threads!!!! Is this a place where I can get advice on how things can work or is is more a place to vent?

I am having a hard time accepting that the life I tried so hard to create is not what I've ended up with.
I didn't realise I was the one carrying ALL the mental load until recently.
I didn't realise I was the only one parenting our children.
I didn't realise that dh contributes absolutely nothing to our family dynamics other than financial.
I didn't realise how lonely I was in my marriage.
I feel like I have opened my very own Pandoras box and there is no way to close it again.
This thread has helped me face things I've been trying so hard to ignore.

@joyfulnessss You can share, vent, sympathise, relate, give advice, get advice.
I have gotten so much from this thread. Knowing I'm not alone has been a lifeline for me.

This is what I fear. I worry that my needs and my future dc needs will always^^ play second fiddle to his needs as he can not cope if things are not built around his ASD. He gets overwhelmed, stressed etc. but so do I and I worry I'll just have to suck it up as his needs supersede all else. But how would this work with dc. DCs needs have to come first for many years when they are small

But people DO make it work. I want to know how please

Sorry, I don't have any advice. If I knew how I would have done it myself!

And of course it is not just down to you, it depends on how autism presents in your H. A psychologist told me that people who have ASD partners who are able to try to meet their partner's needs, even if they get it wrong, those people are more likely to make it work as the NT partner can see and appreciate the effort the ND partner is making. Or I have seen people on these threads where the ND partner has insight into how their ND affects them, and so they are able to make jokes about it together.
But the psychologist said that if the ND partner has very little mindsight or empathy then that is very hard on the NT partner..

My H is like that.

The psychologist said that if you can't leave then the only option is radical acceptance of how he is. Which means you put in all the work and get nothing back.

Oh, you don't have children yet?

My honest advice is don't. My relationship with my H was good till we had children. That brought out all the problematic side of his ND (not diagnosed then). My friend whose H has ASD said the same.

Having children, and seeing how H related to them, forced me to truly see H for the first time. His lack of understanding or empathy for the children, his inability to attune to them or their needs, especially if he was overwhelmed himself by them crying or arguing or rejecting him as little kids do. His inability to understand how his behaviour impacts on others. His inability to be fair or just, to plan and organise the workload of the family fairly. His lack of common sense. His emotional disregulation.

Its honestly been awful. He loves his children, of course he does. But he cannot parent them in any way appropriately. My biggest fear is that I die and he has to raise them alone as he is just not capable of that and the repercussions for them would be awful. He can parent well when he is calm and the kids are calm and they are doing what he wants. He can't parent outside of that.

I'm sure there are ND people who are good parents. But if you are already seeing problematic behaviours in your husband, then it will get so much worse once you have kids. I did not know my H was ND and I thought he would be a great father as I knew he would love them and he loved me. But love has not been enough. And having kids has placed a challenge on him that he is incapable of rising to because of his expression of ND. And we have all suffered terribly because of it.

Don't do that to yourself or your kids.

@YesThis But love has not been enough

This is what I fear. He is amazing in so many ways. He's smart and funny and tries to make life work by fixing stuff etc but when he needs to break away or if he is feeling stressed or he is having a meltdown then nothing else matters. It can't for him. I get that. Right now I can most of the time deal with myself. We can live with relative happiness most of the time. I can accept his withdrawal. But i do struggle when I have emotional needs as mine will always come second to his. And yes i fear this will never work with dc.

The saying that "Hindsight is a wonderful thing" is bullcrap.
Hindsight is shit. It make you face the mistakes you made.
My dc are the most wonderful people ever BUT I am having to deal with the repercussions of them having an emotionally unavailable father.
No matter how hard you try to make up for your dhs shortfalls in parenting, your children will suffer. Trust me, it's something I can't forgive dh for.

Gosh this rings so true. This dawned on me almost a year ago and was devastating to realise. I had picked myself up after every let down and tried so hard to keep the show going for my kids, and for us, because I really wanted it to work.

Quite a few months after my realisation and struggling through coming to terms with it, I spoke to my husband and he said he agreed that this isn't the marriage he wants either.

Since that conversation, he has stepped up, and beyond. Suddenly he can make conversation with my family and friends, suddenly he can help kids with homework, suddenly he can work out a shopping list for the week totally unprompted and ask me if I want anything additional and take himself to the shops to buy it all. Suddenly, as he realises he's about to lose me(?), the kids(?), his respectable family life(?) ..... suddenly he can do it all.

I am beyond cross. I've been with this man for nearly 20 years and have adapted and worked around and made excuses for his rudeness and picked up the slack and and and and .... and now he shows me that he can do it.

Where do I go with that? Do I wait and see how long he can keep it up for? Do I tell him I feel deceived and robbed of a nicer husband for the last 20 years? Do I give it a chance because maybe now we could build a functional relationship? I want to hit him and send him away for a long time while I think, but I can't do that because we have young kids and any decision I make needs to be properly made and then communicated to them and then actioned.

I am very sad and very angry and very confused.

To be fair, this isn't limited to ND men. I divorced my children's father, and one of the wake up calls was the way he'd leap into the kitchen to wash up whenever we had visitors. When it was just us he'd leave his plate on the floor by the sofa - despite my asking repeatedly for him to take it to the kitchen. He'd NEVER wash up if it was just us - that was women's work, my job. It was when I realised that he knew he ought to be helping around the house, because he would whenever there was anyone there to see, that I knew he knew what he was doing.

I see a lot of this as a men thing tbh, the being allowed (by society i mean) to exist as they are. I’m on this thread as i have an adhd/asd husband, like many of you i run the show and deal with the kids emotionally etc. however i am also autistic, it is entirely possible to listen, change, adapt, be empathic etc etc. I think men get to check out more easily, my dh would never say “you take a day out, i can see you’re burning out”, whereas i do that to him without even a conversation, i’ll juggle it all so he can exist as he wants, so he doesn't get a angry.

some of it is a disability but there is an element of choice/denial etc in there too.

One of the things that attracted me to DH was that would do anything for anyone and was really genuine and kind. (We met at work) He is genuine and kind...but it took me an age to realise that he was not good at prioritising and just said yes to everything because that was what they wanted to hear.
The problem is that he would go over and above to please and achieve the things he agreed to at work but me and DC were the ones that missed out. The number of parents eves/concerts etc he agreed to and then didn't turn up because he had overpromised things at work. DD realised pretty early (maybe age 9ish ) that dad saying yes to something was a formality rather than expecting him to turn up, DS however would (not unreasonably) expect him to be there. Worse is that I would usually have to be the one to let him down and say dad couldn't come. And he's never really seemed to understand that they would be disappointed by it (equally saying he might take me out for a meal etc....but I'm big enough to accept there's a 99% chance this isn't going to happen!)

Same. We all know that he does mean what he says at the time, but rarely follows through. Its easier now the kids are older teens they see that and i am seen as a separate (reliable) entity who is not responsible for his behaviour.

Yes I also feel immense resentment towards DH for the pain he has caused the children.

I told him this summer that if he hurts the children he has hurt me.

He can’t understand why the three of us turn on him. But it’s because he’s unreasonable and he’s mean. He really is mean. We told him recently how his words frequently deflate us and make us feel like shit. He says that’s not the effect he wants his words to have on us. And yet despite being told this repeatedly he doesn’t change his behaviour or style of communication. It’s still monologing and all the engagement must be in his terms and only when he is ready.

Why can he not change? Not see the damage he does.

Despite DD having communication issues herself and DH complaining privately to me how little she speaks, he has no trouble continually talking over her, interrupting her, changing the subject back to his preferred topic. He can never ever seem to put any of us first.

And that’s the crux of it. It’s always him and his needs. They trump everyone else’s.

He left me some herbs in the fridge for my tea recently and he likes them too. There was only one portion left, it was in the summer. It’s the nicest thing he’s done for me in years. I can’t remember the last time he prioritised me or my health. He said “you’ve not been well, you need them more than me”.

If things like this happened every day, I could fall in love with him again but once in a blue moon. It’s not enough. You always feel like second fiddle. That you are not their main priority. They are and all their needs come first.

I fully agree there and many of the things that drive me potty can easily be associated with our ‘sexist’ ‘rules’/culture/society. And then gets mixed up with with communication difficulties etc…

eg DH told me he expected me to become a SAHM after the dcs were born. I believe that this stemmed from a cultural expectation.
What was ASD was his communication issues and his beliefs I ‘just knew’ as if I could read his mind. Ds is the same. They seem to think that if they have thought something, I must know too 🤪🤪

Totally agree on the culture/society point. I am the higher earner so my husband does things like some of the school runs as he works 9-5 from home (while moaning at our ND child if they forget something), he does go to some activities and events, although generally I need to sit down and ask him to go and more importantly book out the day in the diary. I get WhatsApp messages from other Mums in the class “about how amazing he is”. I’m not saying their husbands are good for not turning up, but possibly it’s ok as they are higher earners, but I also want to scream about how I’ve had to sit with the diary and ensure he took the day off (possibly with long pauses and sighing which generally means he can’t do something and thinks he is going to be “in trouble”). Make sure he took enough time off (he is massively disorganised so will underestimate timings, but then not tell me and just get stroppy as I’m maybe having a chat with a teacher as we leave”, but he’s meant to be already on a call). When I say later “why didn’t you tell me, we could have gone in 2 cars? He just gets in a sulk.

The worse was a hospital appointment. He had thrown a strop at a consultant for our child who referred us for a second opinion (one of the few appointments he came to)., I knew the meeting was going to be horrendous and my husband said he would go. Lots of grand statements about how he needed to be there for our child. Week of appointment going through diary and I ask how he’s getting there, cue silence sighing, me “you can’t attend”. “No sorry I have to do a workshop”. I asked why he didn’t push back and tell his work no and then I realised he had never booked the day off: The problem is rather then sort the issue out and say to his work, “I’m sorry mucked up but I can’t attend and find cover” he just sat there and I had to cancel a lucrative piece of work. The meeting was not great. The consultant was hostile when we went in (knew they would be as the referral letter was all “parents are refusing to accept my opinion”). I think they were shocked at the end, I said very little, answered questions politely when they said they agreed with first consultant, I thanked them for their time and in fact rang me a week later “so we could have a bit more of a chat about my child” (I think they felt guilty about the hard time they initially gave me.

But the other Mum’s messages just make me feel like I’m being unreasonable and I am expecting too much, particularly with a husband who is sulking, rolling his eyes and gets on the defensive and makes everything my issue, “I just can’t meet your high standards” - what saying to your spouse, “I’ll take my car so I can slip away if things run on late?

i think for my husband he has enough awareness he knows he should be doing more, stepping up, and probably is frustrated when he doesn’t do this, but rather then accessing assessments, support, coaching he just turns switches into victim mode and gets grumpy with me.

I don' think I've ever posted here, primarily because my marriage does work. 32 years this year. We've had terrible years where I only stayed because I could not face parenting our kid with ASD and our other kid with ASD, II and lots of other diagnoses on my own.

He is diagnosed as level II by his consultant psychiatrist.

It's taken a lot of work from both of us. He has engaged in therapy for 20 years now and it's a non-negotiable. Medication the same. We can have the conversation that he is being very autistic and how it affects me. Sometimes he can/will change (for a while at least) and sometimes he can unpack it as to why he cannot.

He gets really obsessive about projects and that used to be very difficult for me. Now the kids are adults it's less difficult for me as time is less pressured.

We laugh a lot, he does unexpected kind things for (even if in the moment I don't realise his autistic intention sometimes) he is willing to do things I ask for even if he doesn't really want to do them.

@joyfulnessss @LovelaceBiggWither I doubt that the fundamentals of ND/NT or ND/ND relationships are any different to any other. All relationships require honesty, transparency, communication, understanding, a willingness to give etc.

I believe most of us who post regularly are in very long term relationships, 20 years in many cases. It seems rather common that it is only after our children have been diagnosed that we recognize similar traits in ourselves or our partners - who may or may not go on to diagnosis.

I think a late diagnosis or no diagnosis means that societal expectations, coping mechanisms, and habits can play a much greater role. And without an awful lot of hard work you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

This! I honestly don’t feel we have conversations. I have tried to explain that but he says we talk.
we don’t we exchange information always practical! What time are you here? Or what do you want from the shop type thing. I have counted so many times where I have sat or stood by him and he just carries on doing jobs or looking at his phone and wonder if I didn’t spark up something would we talk? I have tested it too and we don’t. There is no small talk, chat or anything other than. Day to day stuff..
I too have felt lonely but over the past year have built up going out with friends and doing my own thing plus o chat with the kids as I need the social time

Can I ask those of you who have older or adult children, how they feel.

I have talked with my (older teenage) kids about how they feel about their dad's lack of interest in them and find I'm struggling more with that than my relationship with dh.

They sadly seem to have just accepted that dad is just a name they use for the other adult in the house.

I find I can't get past what he has done to the kids.

How can I love a man who has emotionally neglected/damaged our children?

I think there are fundamental differences between NT/ND marriages and ND/ND marriages. The triad of impairments necessary for diagnosis of ASD mean that intimate relationships are not going to be the same or as simple.

My DH was diagnosed at 64. For the first ten or so years I was floundering as I just didn't understand why he did that shit or why he didn't realise why people were upset with him. Once our kids were diagnosed it became clearer he was on the spectrum (although there was a period of time he tried to convince me it was me that was).