Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

@LovelaceBiggWither it sounds like your dh has fully recognised the impact of ASD.

And I’d say, for me, this is the most important part.
From my experience with dh and spending time with other families with ND people, what makes the difference is insight into your own condition and the willingness to accept your reaction might not be suitable.

He does have full insight but it took some years for it to sink in. Then we had the 'autism is a gift' years which were not my personal favourite years.

It would be very different and very difficult if the person with ASD doesn't want to do that work or cannot do that work. I had to change a lot too and accept that there are areas he cannot function within and some things are just never going to happen.

This is what my H cannot do. He doesn’t have insight. He cannot accept his reactions are not suitable.

Unlike pp I now suspect he can’t change. I know he desperately wants our marriage to be a happy one yet continues daily in the behaviours that make it miserable
He can’t change probably because to do so he would have to accept some responsibility, which he can’t do.

He has a knee jerk reaction to deny and rebut everything I say, and he has no awareness that he has this pattern of behaviour.

Its tragic really, for him and all of us. He’s trapped in a way of being that doesn’t even serve him.

Wow will post again when I have time but I have been going through this and never knew how to word it before! He is so disorganised and does thi sort of thing however it’s never his fault there is always a reason and he tends to flip things back into me a lot “ it’s never good enough for you “ I have wondered for years if it’s me but know it’s not

Unlike pp I now suspect he can’t change. I know he desperately wants our marriage to be a happy one yet continues daily in the behaviours that make it miserable

I there are many layers to that.
i don’t think dh can change because he can’t change his autism. So on a deep level, it would be unfair to expect him to suddenly be able to read faces or cope well with uncertainty.
i do think some if his behaviours can change. But, for us, it took changing circumstances fir that to be visible. By that I mean, DH spending all his weekends away. Him wfh and the most important the dcs moving out to Uni. Since we have no children at home, DH clearly has more space to process stuff. Less triggers and is becoming much more like who he was when we met. More attentive (I got flowers yesterday! 😳😳) than he has ever been in the last 20 years (yes dc1 was born 20 years ago…)

ive also come to the conclusion that PDA is a huge trigger for our relationship issues and I have no idea how to approach that tbh.

Lots of great posts over the last few days.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I fully relate to waking up to the realisation of this is how things are and it's not good, and it's not going to change, it is me doing it all. I was very angry and resentful for a while, and full of blame. Now I have mellowed to a position of "wow yes I have done everything, and I have done a very good job out of the situation" I'm actually proud.

@IceLollipop INteresting what you are saying, my dh is a very competent man in some context but yes I facilitate his whole home life (and work to an extent as we work together). I have noticed he will not do things or say things in case he is "in trouble". He always blamed an ex for this, who he said always told him he was in trouble. But now I see that she will have had the same issues. I just wish he'd do things and realise being "in trouble" is not something that happens in adult relationships, you have to work things out together, sometimes things will go wrong and that's ok. But the hiding of things and avoiding things means its all on my shoulders and I have to fix a lot of fuck ups at the last minute which is stressful, so I then pre-empt and take over in order for things to go smoothly, then end up in the "boss" position.

I can't remember sorry who take about being ignored but I have done the same experiments. If he is lying in bed on his phone and I go and lie next to him facing him just looking at him, he doesn't even acknowledge me, doesn't put the phone down, turn towards me, show any interest in chatting, nothing. I felt invisible, I was wondering what as so wrong with me. Now I seek interest elsewhere, I don't mean men, but I have built up a few good groups of close friends who are interested in my life, tell me I look great in that new outfit, notice if I am happy or sad etc, when its my birthday they have paid enough attention to know what I would love as a present etc.

Others talked about how to make it work. For me I decided that for me it is worth it, we do have fun, we have a nice life, there are enough positives. But I've had to build my own life, separately; friends, interests, hobbies, holidays alone, how I arrange my day. I am quite a loner and it doesn't feel like a bad thing, its just not how I expected a marriage to be, especially as our kids are older and we have time and space to spend time together again. I am not sure any alternative would be any better, overall.

Hello @joyfulnessss,

This is usually more a place for venting and empathy but with some practical advice along the way.

How about trying one of Professor Tony Atwood's books? He has some good insights into NT/ND relationships.

Any relationship can have its challenges and I'm happier with DH than I was on my own. But children do add extra pressure. It was only after having our first DD that I realised how different DH was from most dads I knew. He loves them in his own way but has found having kids particularly stressful. As a teen and a tween they're used to him now but we've definitely had our challenges along the way.

DH is unlikely to change. From an ASD perspective that looks like reliability, constancy, logic and predictability. From a NT point of view there's little spontaneity, joy, connection or fun. I fill those needs with friends and family instead.

Good luck whatever you decide.

@bunhead1979 ive come to the same conclusion about having your own life.

I’ve also had to work very hard at boundaries - yes I ended up facilitating ‘home life’ aka taking on all the mental and emotional work on. Much more than many women have had to do in NT/NT marriages.
But, because dh has the tendency of only seeing things through his own lens and not been able to take in what I tell him, I’ve had to extra careful to protect myself. Otherwise, he doesn’t (can’t??) see it would trampled all over my own needs. It has been at the root of me going downhill many times health wise.

It IS very different to what I’d even envisaged. In particular, it isn’t the teamwork I always thought we’d have.
And having struggles of my own, having someone caring for me (as in giving me cuddles, automatically acknowledging I have a bad day etc….) would have made things much easier.

Oh yes, to the 'I have had this thought, therefore EVERYONE has had this thought and I don't need to vocalise it because everyone just KNOWS.' Which, for my XP went hand in hand with 'I think it, therefore it is right and everyone else who thinks differently is so clearly wrong that it should go without saying.'

The more stories I read on here, the more I swear I will live alone until my dying day, because I don't want to run the risk of getting caught in another of these relationships.

@SpecialMangeTout PDA takes life to a whole other level (pit). It's incredibly debilitating, if I could change one thing for DS and DW it would be to take away their PDA.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat I was once told "yes I know that's what I said, but you know it's not what I meant". It was her fortieth birthday weekend and she threatened to divorce me for doing what she asked.

I think a lifetime of misunderstanding and masking has lead to a massive communication failure where DW will say completely random things but expect everyone else (me in particular) to immediately know that actually what she is thinking is something completely different.

@joyfulnessss

This shows some of the challenges for children of autistic parents

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/children-of-autistic-parents#:~:text=Growing%20up%20with%20an%20autistic,feel%20that%20this%20is%20unfair.

Sorry, the article actually starts here

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/children-of-autistic-parents

Also

https://www.mghclaycenter.org/parenting-concerns/families/asperdad-growing-up-with-a-parent-on-the-autism-spectrum-maybe

im not sure who this article is supposed to be for tbh.
Its asking children/teenagers to have a maturity and a capacity for adaptation that most adults do not possess

fwiw my dcs never have had many friends over. It was clear right from primary age that dh wasn’t coping well with it.
dc1 learnt quickly and never asked.
dc2 being his own autistic self, never asked either.

@YesThis “
He has a knee jerk reaction to deny and rebut everything I say, and he has no awareness that he has this pattern of behaviour.” - this is my DH exactly. If I say I’m thinking of red, he’ll say ‘it’s blue.’

I’m new to this thread and absolutely broken and a former shadow of myself. DH suspects he’s ‘on the spectrum’ but hasn’t been assessed. We’ve been married for 18 years and have 3 kids.

The kids are really struggling with him and DS 17 asked me the other day if there’s something wrong with DH as he’s just so unfriendly, stroppy, can’t / won’t connect with anyone. He can mask well but at home he chooses not to.

The kids will walk into a room and he’ll just carry on doing what he’s doing - he won’t look up or say hi. I over compensate and stop what I’m doing to greet them and ask them how they are.

His face is a thunder cloud most of the time. He blames me for everything, he’s impossible to discuss anything with because he turns everything on to me and says I just don’t like anyone having a different opinion to me - nothing could be further from the truth!

Family gatherings - he’ll say he’s happy to go but then doesn’t interact and takes himself off in to a corner somewhere.

He finds kindness a weakness almost. He’s very black and white. He states what he thinks / wants and will never seek anyone else’s thoughts of opinions. This could be anything, like where we’re going out for a family dinner. He’ll just say ‘I’d like to go to X’. Someone else will say Y and then he’ll say ‘well I want to go to X. And then get annoyed if more people vote for Y and he’ll guilt trip us in to going to X.

He wears the same clothes all the time - he has about 4 identical casual tops and jeans and identical work shirt and jumper etc.

He’s obsessed with work and will talk for hours about it if we go for a drink / dinner somewhere. If I start a different conversation, it dies as quickly as it started.

He gets annoyed if you say you’ll do a task he usually does - I offer to help and be nice - he finds me controlling.

Hollidays are awful. I somehow saw a message from him to a work colleague on boxing day saying he was bored out of his mind at home and couldn’t wait to get back to work.

I can’t win.

Also - does anyone have any tips on how to have discussions without them turning in to fights?

Ie - it’s ok to have an opinion and to agree to disagree at the end - it isn’t a case of having to win the argument at all costs.

I approach disagreements from the position of collaborative problem solving. I.e. this thing x is a problem, how can we work together to improve the situation”. There is a good book called the Explosive Child which explains it better- i discovered it in relation to the kids but a lot of the strategies are helpful.

Unfortunately, I simply can’t problem solve with dh.
Once he has an idea of how things should be done, that’s it. He is simply unable to hear any other pov. And he goes into ‘rabbit in the headlight’/panic position even on very simple, inconsequential things.
Sometimes, things trickle down. Often Weeks later.

But I wouldn’t be able to have that problem solving conversation.

Thats a huge sticking point for me because it’s so far from the ‘working as a team’ I envisaged in a marriage.

The explosive Child is a great book. And yes the advice works well with adults too!

@Worriedaboutleaving @YesThis
deny and rebut everything I say, and he has no awareness that he has this pattern of behaviour.” - this is my DH exactly. If I say I’m thinking of red, he’ll say ‘it’s blue.’

Yes, yes, yes.

Hey' the weather has cleared up, let's go for a quick walk along the beach.

No lets wait it might rain again.

Another one who can’t problem solve with their DH. I have to make all the decisions. I go to counselling every week and spend a lot of time talking through options which is helpful. Every ao often I try and he says “he wants to be more involved”, but it just ends badly so I do it myself.

If it’s an issue he thinks he probably should have an opinion on (save for example an email about the teacher raising a concern) (but clearly has no idea) I will get long silence pauses and then he will describe the email “so the teacher has said she has concerns about this, so we need to have a think about x. The alternative is “child like” responses. So last night I mentioned there was not enough in our joint account to pay all the bills this month and what should we do (normally I just sort this but as I’m off sick I want him to be more aware of money to try and ensure we don’t rip through savings, and also because he’s made lots of grand statements about “stepping up with money”). We had a good few minutes of sighing, putting his hand through his hair and then we had the following suggestions: disinvite some children from our youngest’s birthday party (this would include children who have said yes), not pay a bill till next month (despite me being on sick pay so there won’t be lots spare next month so it would just put off problem till Feb), ask his parents (they are middle class and do not have lots to spare - are we planning to tap them up every month?)). I just went off and sorted (took some out from savings, knowing we were getting a rebate next week so could put some back, but he just has no financial awareness. As I’ve mentioned if we divorced he would be bankrupt in a few years, and while wouldn’t be my problem I worry he would make it the kids (ask for money etc).

If it’s an issue that hits one of the random things he will die in a ditch for then again I may get sulking if there’s a finality to what I’ve said “I think we should do x” or I will get an opinion which often is illogical (because he won’t want to say the truth. A few weeks ago our child had an intense course of OT. I told him about this and we had everything from “are you sure the ot is open (given I’ve booked in with then I’m presuming yes)?”, “I don’t think before school starts is a good time to do (what missing school would be?). what this actually is he doesn’t like paying for the OT as he gets no benefit. If I had suggested we bought a gaming console in the sales guarantee he would have said yes.

Or we get the goes on the defences and attacks. For a man who says a lot of the time “he doesn’t know what to say”, he can massively lean on points he knows will upset me to shut down an argument (so basically anything to do with the children’s needs). So say I’ve been highlighting we are spending too much on groceries, my DH will regularly “pop in” and buy £15 stuff per day, fairly quickly we will get a, “well I’m not sure we can afford DS’s school fees”. Although when I call him out on this, “right where’s he going then?” I get a “well I’ll have to research options” and then nothing more is said.

@Worriedaboutleaving it sounds like our DHs are very similar. I am struggling with exactly those things too and the poor DC.

@IceLollipop DW once said "you have to show me what I want"

I have been trying to recall the last time dh ever made a decision about anything.
I can't think of one.
I naively thought that because dh defers to me about Everything he was just really laid back, easy-going. I was so lucky. When he says
"Whatever you want to do" "I don't mind" "You decide " " You're so much better with stuff like this" he isn't being considerate and thoughtful. He just doesn't care.
I would tell myself that he had such a demanding/important job that I was being a good wife by taking all these 'menial' decisions away from him😳
We don't discuss or debate anything. He will literally get up and do something else if me and the kids start discussing or debating.
I actually have no idea what his beliefs are. He doesn't listen to music, he has never read a book, he doesn't watch TV or movies, he doesn't voice his opinions.
He's just there, a presence in our lives.

You are not alone. Feels like living with a ghost.