Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Who is Sara Hendrix? I fear this. My dh is undiagnosed and part the reason I want to find out if he has adhd or asd is because if he does then I imagine there would be no change and I would have to accept and work around it. The counsellor couldn’t understand why it was important for me to know. My dad for example has asd and this hasn’t been know until I was an adult. My childhood now makes sense and I am at peace with things plus know when he does certain things not to feel so hurt etc.. hope that makes sense

This happened to me. I am never going back to the counselling we had! I lost it and left before the end of the session and so I am sure I look like I was bonkers but I was so frustrated!

This was me. I am glad I am not the only one who had this experience!

So much of what people are saying about their partner expecting them to accommodate 'funny little ways' and quirks, because 'that's who I am.' Yet it never seems to work the other way - that they feel they should accommodate OUR 'funny little ways', like wanting affection or conversation or empathy. My XP thought that spending all evening in silence watching TV was an indication of a good relationship. Because, according to him, if we weren't arguing, we were happy. By 'we', he meant 'he'.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat you say XP. How did you leave? What you say resonates so much. Conversation, affection and empathy; I crave it and miss it.

How do you leave a person with ASD/ autism?

Hendrickx was busy about 15 years ago, did corporate ASD awareness training and counselling. She is ASD and so is her partner. They moved abroad.

I met her through a work thing and we had a chat over wine, so it wasn’t like she was needing to be tactful!

I felt like you did, @Vroomfondleswaistcoat - marriage is about compromise and finding a way to make it work, right? It’s what he promised me. As the years have gone on he has become more rigid, less sociable and not at all bothered by my distress.

I feel like staff, dispensable staff. Yet he says he loves me and is happy. I don’t think that is enough, I’d like to be happy too.

That’s so apt. Feeling like dispensable staff. I feel just the same. If I left, his life wouldn’t change at all. He’d do exactly the same things, every day. His life is already set up as a single man. He adds very very little to my life also, as a result.

Our holidays are a disaster because he wants to be the same way on holiday but instead he’s got his family to contend with.

@BlueTick I think my DH would probably be bankrupt within a couple of years and seriously ill/dead in 10 years if I left and blame me and the children for it.

He is terrible with money and would just burn through it. He has Type 2 diabetev which he poorly manages - forgets to take medication and eats rubbish. Our Gp asked why he couldn’t just take a couple of tablets in the morning and evening - he blamed the stress of managing our ND child. When I told him to stop being ridiculous (our child is verbal, can eat independently and in any event the Nanny is there by 7 am), he screamed at me that “I had no idea what stress he is under”.

When a fee days later I suggested he went to OH to ask for neurodiversity assessment he told me, “I don’t have any problems”.

@IceLollipop so ASD presents differently - as we all know. DH is so self-sufficient as to be completely cut-off from the rest of his family. Whereas your DH is at the opposite end of the spectrum and so reliant as to for your role to be more like a carer. Both are impaired you might say in that they are extremes that mean living with these people cause pain to those around them that don't function in the same way as them. You and me are somewhere in the middle, right?

I'm very sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a very sad and stressful situation.

Perhaps you being around means he abdicates responsibility for himself knowing you'll be there to help. I know when I have left DH on occasion (3 times) it causes some reflection about his behaviour and how he could improve. He improves briefly, however, sadly after returning within 2 weeks or less, he is back to how he always is.

However is is proof that however uncomfortable it may be for them, they can be different, it's just not their preferred mode.

Whereas we live with uncomfortable all the time.

I cannot advise, only you know what is best for you but it certainly sounds like you could do with a break - just for your mental and physical health.

DH doesn't mind when I take the children and I away on holiday. He knows the heavy toll it takes on me with his heavy workacholic lifestyle and his thorough absence as a father. I need a rest and to restore myself somewhat so I can get through each year.

I was lucky in that we didn't live together. This was, in fact, one of the reasons for our breaking up. because I had inherited some money and put forward the idea of us buying a house together. He replied that he couldn't bear the thought of having to move. We'd been together for eight years by this point, and yet he clearly didn't see us as a couple if he wasn't wanting to move the relationship forward, so I told him this and I also pulled way back on travelling to see him or having him come to see me. After a few weeks of me not suggesting we meet, or being 'too busy', he texted me and said that it was probably better if we went our separate ways. After EIGHT YEARS, I get a TEXT. Which was fairly typical of his communication style, to be honest.

And I only felt relief.

I think I may need to join your group if that's ok. DH was recently diagnosed but is very obviously autistic. He's extremely clever and successful professionally but socially is so stunted. I'm only just beginning to realise quite how much he doesn't understand. Our marriage has been tested to the limit recently with him engaging with inappropriate friendships online. When I hold a mirror up to him he gets it, but at the time he just doesn't see it at all.

I remember being very cross with Sara Hendrickx when she said the only answer for marriages like ours was for the NT partner to accept the limitations of their spouse and accommodate them, @IceLollipop. It felt unfair, like my expectation that DH would participate in his marriage was unreasonable and it was my job to facilitate his life so he could manage to keep his vows of love/honour/cherish.

@stealtheatingtunnocks oh I remember those times.
All the readings I did was around that and I REALLY struggled with that. I annoyed the hell out of me for the reasons @Vroomfondleswaistcoat highlighted.
But also, I realised because, somehow it made me feel I was failing. Failing at supporting his disability. Failing at being a good enough wife. And I was Holding all the responsibility for it.
fwiw I think the idea that the NT person having to do all the giving is still very much prevalent (my counsellor had clearly very much bought into it for example…).

@IceLollipop you need to remember that you’re not responsible for him, his health or his money.
The fact he’d ill or bankrupt if you were divorced because he wouldn’t know how to deal with all that isn’t your responsibility. You’re his wife not his mum or carer. How he deals with his life is his issue.

Supporting your spouse doesn’t mean becoming their carer or shouldering all the burden/responsibility/mental load for them. I think there are limits to it. And I think we should enforce them, ESPECIALLY when said person refuses to be screened for ASD or to recognise they need special support.

I couldn’t agree more. We aren’t their carers. We are their wives; in a partnership.

@BlueTick I’m sure my husband has ADHD and ASD so that definitely impacts his presentation. He has the low emotional intelligence, poor social skills, but also disorganisation and an addictive personality. He also has enough “awareness” that he should be doing things (as I said in our first counselling sessions he was able to say all the right things), so he wants to come on family holidays as that’s what you should do, but would never organise suggest or save for one, but there will be at least one meltdown by him about something on it. Last year it was the children spilling a hot chocolate in the apartment. I manage to get away for 5 days without him and it was lovely.

@SpecialMangeTout you are right. I think I am always in control mode, trying to stop problems. So his moods are definitely worse when he doesn’t take medication so I feel I need to make him take it. In terms of finances, as we are married, if he runs up debts they would be half mine if we split and ultimately they impact on how much money he can contribute to the household - so again I try and manage. It’s exhausting thought because as you say I am a Mum/carer not his wife. He feels like another child but this one is really badly behaved.

Do any of you wonder “how you got here?” I met my husband just after a massive career change which was after some big problems in my first job (which I had spent years training for (think higher degree)) my younger sister had got engaged and I had always been “the more awkward, difficult one of my siblings” and so when my husband showed up and showed some interest I just got caught up and my esteem was low so I was “ok this is enough”. We were engaged after 18 months and married in 2 years. My family think he’s great (easy going and laid back) and I’m the “intense one” - so I’ve spent years thinking this is what I deserve. It’s only in recent years I’ve started questioning this.

I know how I got there. I'd had a marriage break up, from a husband I adored, who had some 'quirks' (and was almost certainly on the spectrum, but at the opposite end, so very emotionally literate but disorganised) and met XP when I was at a very low ebb. He appeared to be very together, very organised (oh boy, HOW organised!) and it was endearing, because it was so unlike what I'd had in my previous relationship. By the time I realised that he had absolutely ZERO emotional intelligence, and his organisation was so stringent that it affected his behaviour, it was too late, I was in deep. And he masked SO HARD that I truly didn't realise to what extent he was affected by being on the spectrum.

@organictomatoes & @YesThis apologies for the delayed reply, but wanted to get back to you about marriage counseling. We did try marriage counseling a few years back & told our kids it was "parenting classes" At that time, we did not suspect ASD, I just thought he was forgetful. As it turns out the counselor said his deferring to me for every decision was his way of being considerate. Considering I was taking on the mental load, the kids, the finances, the provider financially, etc, I felt stuck and overwhelmed and now had a counselor supporting his behavior. So in the end it made things worse I'm afraid. In this last year trying to leave, I have done several counseling sessions with my individual therapist as well as met with a discernment counselor who specializes in ASD, a divorce discernment coach and a mediator. They have ALL helped me see that ASD is truly a condition that will not change, but I needed to demonstrate that i had done everything in my power to make it work. I have made huge mistakes along the way too. Even the coping & masking mechanisms he has learned fall away as soon as I do anything that he does not expect. And the ability to mask gets more & more difficult with age. He did own up to being a 3rd child sometime after several attempts on my part asking him to move out, but no apology, just a simple admission that he was not proud of it. Counseling for me as well as a full loss of self breakdown over the summer helped me find the courage to leave. It has been the most difficult decision of my entire life because I knew deep down how much it would hurt him and the resulting fallout with the kids. I don't hate him despite all the mean and nasty things he's done since I've left, but I could no longer imprison myself with him and also not give him the chance to find someone better suited to him. Short story long, if you do try counseling make sure it is one that specializes in ASD and be prepared to know the changes are mechanical (they have to do it vs they inherently want to do it) Sending hugs to everyone & thinking of you all.

It does indeed feel like being imprisoned.

Haven't posted for a bit. There have been a lot of heart-felt, deep, insightful, painful posts of late. I have just started asking myself the hard questions and am having a hard time doing so. Some posts recently have really resonated with me and I find myself ruminating obsessively. My mind is full and empty at the same time. Numb, teary, angry and so incredibly sad.

It is sad, Waffling.

I have started preparing to leave. 2 years I reckon.

I am sorting my finances so I have a flat deposit and I am writing down when he speaks to me. In 11 days we have had 7 exchanges about practical things, and I mean exchanges “have you got a stamp?” sort of thing. Not a single conversation.

ita doomed. It always was, I just thought I could make it work and I was wrong. Which is very sad.

I've suspected for probably more than a decade that DH might be ND and I heard a programme on the radio about 2 or 3 years ago about adult ADHD and it was like a light bulb. It basically described DH. He was there in the room when the radio was on but had no idea what they were discussing because he was working.
I've tried a few times to discuss but he is pretty unwilling to read about it or even think about it. He is dyslexic too so would never actively research things by reading....but hates most tech and finds it difficult to use...so wouldn't look up a YouTube article or podcast.
In some ways it helps me makes sense of things that I suspect that's why I've very rarely had a Christmas or birthday present in 20 years (he seems to get very overwhelmed and impatient in busy shops and wants to buy something within about a minute...which would explain the presents I do get are either the wrong size or very generic, ie the first thing he saw) He's fine in supermarkets, if I wanted some nice food every birthday it would be so much easier!
I carry the mental load for absolutely everything and as my DC are older I feel sad that I feel like I've done a massive amount of parenting alone.

Once a week I have to work upcountry, I get up at 5 am and don't home till about 7:30 pm. Last night we agreed on macaroni cheese, it's easy and can stay warn. I get home at 7:30 pm DW has had a ready meal because she was hungry. There's nothing much else in the house - scrambled egg on toast it is. Why just why couldn't she have to tell me to pick something up?

For those on the fence about staying or going, sharing a resource that also helped me discern. And apologies if this is a duplicate, I cant recall if I shared before. The book is called Too Good to Leave, Too bad to stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. I did one question per day for introspection. I felt it was very balanced in the examples as well. Sending hugs.

@Daftasabroom oh that’s frustrating and sad. Would have only taken a text. I’m sorry she doesn’t think beyond her own needs. It’s so hurtful at times.

Can I ask if it had been one of your DSs out on a long day like this and coming back late, would it have been different? Would she have thought it through?

I really don't know, when the boys are around I always make sure there's plenty of food around. They both also text me with shopping lists. Part of the reason we don't have much food around is because the boys cleared us out before going back to Uni. If they couldn't eat it before they left, they took it with them.

@joyfulnessss we're here.