Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

I’m sorry again for not commenting for a while. I’m really struggling at the moment and needing to take breaks from focusing too much on what’s going on.

@organictomatoes I’m so sorry your experience of counselling let to the ‘codependent’ card being played against you. I’ve thought long and hard about whether I’m codependent. I feel like my DH has made me a bit codependent. I was also like this with my last partner who also ASD. In all other relationships up until the age of 35 I wouldn’t describe myself as codependent. Both recent partners did not show signs of ASD early on. In fact it took a good 2-3 years to realise. Before 35 I’d say the intellectual side was lacking in my relationships and always longed for a partner I was on a similar level too. So I’d say it was their intelligence that attracted me. Neither were emotionally unavailable in the beginning or I wouldn’t have got involved.

I’m sorry to hear as well the conflict with the ex turned into conflict with you. My DH didn’t have conflict when we met and I’d say he is non confrontational with me which often leads to a lot of passive aggression where I literally don’t know what I’ve done wrong. Although maybe this is a form of conflict. He knows he can get a reaction from ignoring me IDK, I’ve not thought of it before.

@Bunnyhair its so interesting how you describe the dynamic your DH has with your ds. We have a very similar thing going on. My DH doesn’t have a grandiose personality. He’s introverted but well liked and can be very sociable. DS is only 3 but already seems similar. He gets on with everyone and is well liked. He’s quite intense socially and gets uncomfortably close with other kids but is interacting ok. He has emotional meltdowns when anything threatens his way of organising things/thinking I.e. toys being moved. DH is amazing with him and our younger child who is NT we think. He’s always trying his hardest to give them the childhood he didn’t have. I’m quite often left out of the equation. He talks to them with such love and understanding yet I’m ignored. It would be tough to split up and deal with ds on my own as DH does understand him better.

I think the setup you have is seemingly working for you. I like that you hug during difficult moments. It’s a good idea to connect this way when talking is hard. The having your own money and living will arrangements are wise too.

@Bunnyhair I definitely identify with what you said about not believing your luck when you met DH. I felt similar too. He was the easiest person to talk to. We just bounced off each other. I’d not had a first date like that in many years. If someone told me then he was on the spectrum I’d have been shocked. He was able to express such empathy, something he struggles with grateful now. It’s quite painful looking at pictures from back then and seeing how in love we were.

I am a lurker and am 100% certain that my husband is ASD …you have described our relationship and it is identical…no proper conversations,I talk and he agrees,doesn’t really have an opinion and yes it is absolutely bloody lonely!!
Interestingly one of my sons is ?ASD/ADHD ,tick so many boxes but he presents so differently and is sociable,funny,great company,highly intelligent.
Just wish I had been more aware when son was younger because I realise that his anxiety/ poor time management,daydreaming were all red flags .

@Dialledin do you ever worry that your DH will lose interest as the kids get older? I worry that if my DS gets into hobbies / interests that DH doesn’t share he might just check out, which would be devastating for my DS who idolises him. DH is sometimes really scathing about DS’s taste in music (he’s 7 ffs) as though it’s making him re-evaluate his character. So this is a concern for me.

How is the couples counselling going?

Sorry if I've caused any issues here on this thread. If anyone feels able to share their experiences of NT and ND relationships, feel free to PM me.

It wasn’t you, @Realdeal1, don’t worry. Feel free to keep posting.

@Bunnyhair yes I definitely worry about this. DHs special interest is running. He’s obsessed with it. He keeps talking about how DS can go with him when he’s old enough. I’d be really surprised if he gets on with running. He’s so clumsy and hyper-mobile so falls over a lot. I hope DH doesn’t back off id ds isn’t into it. They are incredibly close now and he’s a very hands on Dad. I guess he lost interest in me so it’s possible.

I cant believe he evaluated a 7 year olds music choices. I hope they do remain close later on. It’s lovely they get on.

@Bunnyhair im not really sure what DH said to the counsellor. He said a lot of it was about bereavements he had at an early age and recently. Also the arguments we’ve been having. It took three days to get that much out of him. We have our first session together next week.

Please keep posting.
You haven’t created any issues at all.

From time to time a poster appears that rattle feathers. And then the moment passes.

@Realdeal1 you did nothing wrong at all. I think it’s a good idea to post on here for support and to get a sense of how things may or may not play out. In my opinion it’s good you know early on about the ASD. Many of us still don’t have a partner with a diagnosis. Therefore we’ve had years in some cases of masking. NT/ND relationships can totally work and it’s good your partner is able to tell you. My advice would be to keep in sight what your needs are and communicate them as simply as you can. Have a low threshold for a discussion if your needs are not being met. Counselling may also be an option later on. Make no mistake it can be a hard road but amazing if it works out.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I’m so sorry to hear you’ve felt so alone. It must have been so tough at times. It sounds as if your partner has meant no harm but it must be heartbreaking to come to this realisation so far in. I honestly think if my partner and I hadn’t had kids we’d have plodded on like this. He’s a really likeable guy and never does anything overtly malicious. My Ds being referred for an ASD assessment planted the seed that DH might be ok the spectrum. Are you an extrovert do you think? I know I am and I like to talk. DH is an introvert and before kids he would happily listen to me run on. I didn’t massively notice how one sided it was back then. Now we have young kids he’s overstimulated so gets frustrated when I talk. As an extrovert I get energised by talking so it’s affecting my mental health to be discouraged from it.

My experience is that it is having a shared common interest that has kept the relationship between dh and the dcs going. It gave them common experiences and something to relate on.

Without it, I dint think dh and dc1 (NT) would have any relationship at all. They are too far apart (dh is an engineer, dc1 isn’t - bad for example). Dc2 (ASD) and dh get on much better simply because their communication mode, their expectations etc… are the same.

I created that opportunity though, pushing dh to take the dcs to a specific outing/day out that was the start of dh special interest (and i knew the dcs would enjoy too). Just a shame I was then sidelined and ignored every weekend in favour of said special interest.

@SpecialMangeTout it’s so lovely they are able to bond and it shows how much you care about that by arranging the special day. Such a shame you now feel left out.

I know if my DS (ND) takes up running that’ll be it for any family time at the weekend. I have a feeling DD (NT) is more likely to want to do it. I guess if they all go I’ll get time to myself.

I have to say, it has done wonders for all 3 of them.
Dh has something in common with the dcs. But actually dc1 and dc2 also have a shared interest. Now that they are both at Uni, that’s what is bringing them together too.

On that pov, it has been amazing.

My regret is that I haven’t pushed my own interest too and it has made it harder for me to nurture my own bond with dc2 in particular.
Because yes, for the last 10+ year, one day of every weekend has been taken up by said hobby/sport! 😵😵

@SpecialMangeTout it all sounds really positive. It’s so lovely your dc are getting older and have shared interests. Not good your hobby taking a backseat though. I’m too post partum at the moment to even think about what my hobby will be. I’m going to try my hardest to make time for me. It’s so hard though. DH was out running days after both dc was born and carried on as normal throughout the sleep deprivation I was experiencing. If only he could have put it on hold and helped. His excuse was why should he miss out because I am. It’s partly why it’s taken nearly 2 years to recover from dd being born, DH insisted on his hobby and I didn’t sleep enough.

@Dialledin I think my issue is its early days and I'm struggling a bit with the comms. I mean, is that normal Aspie behaviour to be cool about things/have a routine. I'm sure if I asked him straight, there would be no issue but it's just im so used to people being more forthcoming.

Sadly dh has missed the boat with the kids.
He was good with them when they were younger, mainly because I told him what to do with them, where to take them etc. I was always with them anyway.
As they got older and found their own interests, dh became less and less involved and interested. Their interests didn't interest dh so he stopped engaging.
Ds has said he used to idolise his dad, now he has nothing to say to him.
Dd admitted she never misses him when he's away working, actually prefers when he's gone.
I always thought I was doing a pretty good job at keeping our family all happy and jolly. Only as I was frantically plastering over the cracks, our home has been falling off a cliff.
I must confess that knowing the unintentional damage dh has done to the kids by his lack of connection has been the hardest thing to come to terms with. My kids telling me that they don't think their dad even loves them, never mind having any interest in them has broken my heart.

@Realdeal1 I think if you’re happy with how things are going don’t overthink it for now. A routine is good ad long as it fits well around your time together. I know I’ve found my DH a lot more happy to go with the flow than NT exes. The only thing I would add is that his routines overshadow our time together nowadays but then we have small children so I think he needs the time to regulate as he’s probably overwhelmed.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy that sounds really rough. I’m sorry your kids are feeling disconnected from their Dad despite your efforts. It sounds like you did all you can. I think it can be hard for any family to all stay connected as the kids grow up. I had issues with NT parents. I guess if they have a ND parent it adds an extra layer of difficulty. Fingers crossed it gets easier somehow for them to connect with him.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy this is heartbreaking.

This is the sort of situation where I think it is important to recognise that ‘love’ means very different things to different people. It seems like, to many of our partners, ‘love’ could mean anything from ‘we share a living space because being alone is too difficult / anxiety-provoking’ to ‘we’ve got used to one another now so there’s no need to interact again unless I have something to say’ to ‘we’re both crazy about badminton’.

So if the kids grow up and leave home, there is no more love because love = sharing living space. If kids or partner want interaction or initiate contact this is experienced as hostile and intrusive. If anyone goes off badminton the relationship dissolves. It really does feel that fragile and contingent.

@Dialledin

My DH didn’t have conflict when we met and I’d say he is non confrontational with me which often leads to a lot of passive aggression where I literally don’t know what I’ve done wrong. Although maybe this is a form of conflict. He knows he can get a reaction from ignoring me IDK, I’ve not thought of it before.

It took me a while to realise but my non-confrontational ex-H was seething to the brim with passive aggressiveness.

Conflict was never, ever resolved because he wouldn't talk.

In my ex-H's case, passive aggressiveness was sometimes sheer anger that he couldn't ever express but my god he took it out on me by ignoring me or often sending emails after a few days ostensibly about something else, but somehow so often jabbing at my vulnerable spots. Then any hurt I felt was my problem, and he was happy and pretended nothing had happened. At first I was taken aback by these emails out of the blue about something entirely unconnected (as I thought) but it happened so often I realised there was a pattern.

Im 4 1/2 years out of the marriage now and I look back and wonder how I ever survived. Not to do with passive aggressiveness but it's still desperately frightening when he takes the kids on long journeys - he's driven at 200kph on the autobahn less than 2 meters from the car in front before now. I am terrified that there will be an accident and at those speeds, it won't be a light one.

I’m also ND. I am ADHD and dyspraxic. Diagnosed in my early 40s.
I burned out in my relationship after what I felt was twisting myself into knots to try and manage myself the best I could, use all the communication techniques I’d learned in therapy and coaching, apologised constantly for my difficulties, found a couples therapist who specialised in ND couples.

The dynamic in my recently ended relationship was more nuanced than ‘I expect you, ASD man, to be different.’ It was ‘please work with me and listen.’ He couldn’t/wouldn’t. Maybe that was the ASD part, which I don’t have. Maybe he just wasn’t very nice.

I wasn’t codependent in previous relationships. My ex husband always worked away. I didn’t get abandonment issues or try to stop him. My long term bf before that lived in a different city for study for half our relationship. I always got on with my own stuff.

ASDX was just very very needy and it awakened the c/d. It’s like maybe lots of ppl have a predisposition to alcohol abuse but only an extremely stressful circumstance will trigger it. I go to coda now and while I am not meant to talk about what I have heard from others in the fellowship my experience seems usual.

PS pass ag is hmmm. Silent treatment is not ok.

XDP used to blame his ‘autism’ for this stonewalling and say he was being selectively mute. I’m like sorry you’re an actual barrister. You talk for a living. Do you go selectively mute with clients. ‘Oh I mask with clients.’ I just never knew towards the end what was true and what was cruel.

PS pass ag is hmmm.

I don't know, passive aggressiveness can be hell. Vicious and cruel.