Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

@Daftasabroom for most of us on this thread it is us making the change, the compromise. Very rarely our partners. In my experience the demands and sacrifices are totally one sided.

Of course it is because this thread is for NT people in a relationship with a ND person so you will be getting comments from that side. If you were to read comments on a forum of ND struggling with their relationship with a NT person you would see the other side

Because, if I’m really honest, autism is the only situation I came across where the fact things are hard for them on a daily basis (which I agree with!) is used as a reason to explain why their partner should reorganise their whole life and who they are around them.

I’m not denying it’s hard work for people on the spectrum.
It’s a reason why they will appreciate support from a partner. It’s not an excuse to demand that support.

Fwiw what I’m reading from autistic people experiences has shown me a few things
1- things are hard if you are autistic
2- autism is a disability and as it is for ANY disability, some things can be adjusted to help but others can’t. It’s simply impossible to expect the world to adjust to all disabilities, incl autism (I personally have a real issue with the so called social model of disability - saying that as someone who is disabled)
3- some stuff that autistic people feel is so specific to autism actually isn’t.

If your point is to say that autistic people have huge issues with NTs …. then I’ll refer to my previous post about needs and their possible incompatibility.

Just existing in a relationship is taxing.

From reading these threads and my own experience it’s glaringly obvious that some nd people do not want a relationship. They want a living arrangement.

I think if being in an intimate relationship feels to someone like 100% compromise from the outset, maybe an intimate relationship is just not going to work for that person.

They may not want a relationship that looks like your ideal relationship but they want a relationship none the less. There is no defined criteria for a relationship.

@SpecialMangeTout

Yet many NT+ND relationships work.

Clearly not for you though. I haven't read the entire thread. Are you in a relationship with a ND person? If so, it sounds like it isn't working for you.

@drumbeats what draws you to this thread? Are you seeking support in your relationship with an autistic person?

Lol

How can you comment in whether my relationship is working wo knowing what’s going on in it? Or even if my dh is ND 😂😂

This thread is absolutely not limited to NT people in relationships with ASD partners. What on earth gave you that idea?

You're also making the wild assumption that I and all other posters are NT. We're not.

It is explicitly clear in the OP not to make sweeping generalisations, but maybe certain things just don't apply to you?

To which I agree.

As long as the ND person is being clear to the other one about what kind of relationship they want/expect or can cope with.

Whats not ok, in any type of relationship, is to expect the other person to adjust to YOUR idea of what the relationship is with no compromise of what their partner is hoping for. And to then say that’s the fault of the partner if it doesn’t work out.

Fwiw a lot of the ASD partners on this thread have been diagnosed late in life, often when they were already married. So there was and often is no clarity on what kind of relationship would be ideal on the ASD partner side. Various reasons for it from a lack of insight, fear if opening the Pandora box etc etc….

Bunnyhair I wondered the same thing.

This is a thread for people in a relationship with someone who is ASD and to seek support for that because it is actually often really hard. Hard to the point of not being worth it for some people. A relationship needs to have enough positives to stay. As human beings we are wired to consider the cost:benefit ratio. There should be some of both, naturally. However if the relationship becomes all cost and no benefit (albeit even when a sense of duty comes into play) then why is it that one side needs to experience all cost and little benefit?

They may not want a relationship that looks like your ideal relationship but they want a relationship none the less this sums it all up for me. No matter that the non ASD person is in a miserable relationship which they get little out of. They need to suck it up because the ASD partner does want a relationship and it needs to be on their terms. That’s what that statement says to me. Maybe I have misinterpreted it? I’m sick of being told I need to give more to my ASD DF, who is very challenging, because it isn’t his fault. I don’t care. I have no sympathy tokens left.

This is often the way my ASD partner thinks as well. Everything needs to be on his terms. But that isn’t reasonable. I stay because he does have capacity for change. If he didn’t then I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone on that basis. I was married to someone (non ASD) for 20 years who refused to change although they were perfectly capable of it. I won’t do it again. I am equally important. My needs are equally important. I do think my DP naturally views our relationship in terms of him being the main event and me being the support act! I have to remind him that isn’t a reasonable position to take.

Reading many of the posts on here it would seem many posters have an ASD DP who is unwilling or unable to meet their needs. I don’t think those people should feel guilt or obligation to stay because the ASD partner can’t change. I’m not saying it’s easy for the ASD partner either. But a healthy relationship thrives on communication and empathy, and being with someone who cannot do either will very possibly cause the non ASD partner mental and even physical illness. It drove my DM to abandon her very much loved children and drink herself to death. And still my DF cannot see how he contributed to that. He thinks he was the victim.

So forgive me but as I say my sympathy tokens have long expired. And I suspect many on here will feel the same!

I really can't see the point of posters who come on to a support thread for people who are finding specific relationships hard only to argue with them.

There are plenty of argumentative places on MN. This isn't one of them.

@itsfinallyover it’s because we need reminding that we don’t matter except as service animals, and that we are wrong about most things, and probably stupid.

@drumbeats you say you haven't read the full thread. These threads have been running for years - we're now up to number 9.

It is pretty vital that you do read TFT, even better if you read all the threads. If you do you will see that there is a pattern of angst, frustration, betrayal, gaslighting etc etc. For many of us the frustrations in our long term significant relationships have been accompanied by the diagnosis of our children and the realisation that our partners share very many of those traits.

What makes it more difficult is the lack of diagnosis (I'm dating myself here) during the 1970s 1980s and 1990s. For many of us and our partners, our formative years. Which leads to time and again our partners incredible self obsession but accompanied by a lack of self awareness, and even more a lack of awareness on that person's partner.

Feel free to make constructive contributions, as very many ASD people do, but please don't invalidate posters or tell them they wrong.

(Particularly if you can't be arsed TRTFT)

Well said @Daftasabroom

Someone popped along a little while ago having read none of my back story whatsoever just to posit along the lines of "that's just male behaviour".

Put me off posting for ages.

I'm really not sure why people can't understand the term "support".

It doesn't involve belittling and gaslighting people.

They may not want a relationship that looks like your ideal relationship but they want a relationship none the less. There is no defined criteria for a relationship

Words have meaning and the meaning of the word relationship is widely understood.

Some NDs don’t want a relationship. Instead of discussing that or leaving they systematically dismantle any connection, affection and intimacy using strategies such as gaslighting and blaming. They split up with us but don’t tell us, leading to a living arrangement that meets their needs but is often unsatisfactory and harmful for us.

The only thing taxing about that is knowing you need support yet being irritated and intolerant of the person providing it.

Just wanted to say, in case there are any lurkers around.

I am, personally, ever so grateful to the autistic poster who came to share her experience of an NT/ASD relationship (that was many threads ago too!). She was the one who got the ball rolling for me in thinking about my marriage in terms of needs. That was a great way to come out of all the shame, guilt and fear talk that was going on in my head.

So yes I really value autistic posters who come to support.
Even when things didn’t work out for them either.

Bunnyhair ha yes, this is exactly how I feel sometimes: like a service animal! 🐕‍🦺

Here, here, @SpecialMangeTout those posts also reassure me that my, early diagnosed, ASD DS has huge potential to find the right relationship for him.

I think that's another aspect of these threads, it's as much about family very often as it is about just the parents. Just on this page we've had DCs, DGFs, DMs, addiction, etc etc.

It isn't simple but it is all intertwined (mine are at any rate)!

There have been some really helpful, constructive, perceptive autistic posters on these threads.

Yes!!

I was on Twitter of all places following a professional woman who learnt not so long ago that she is autistic. (Started following her for her uncanny ways of talking about feminism)

She was mentioning how she now realises that she has organised her relationships (in general not just her dh) so that they support her self regulating.

Obviously this wasn’t her plan at all. But I thought the insight was interesting.

Yes, wholeheartedly agree @SpecialMangeTout . Any way in to a constructive two (or more!) way dialogue across neurotypes is always welcome.

I also have a concern that there may be autistic people lurking who find this thread triggers their RSD, and I would invite them, with absolute compassion and concern for their own well-being, to think about whether it is serving them to continue reading. Because this thread is about our specific relationships: what we say absolutely doesn’t apply to all ND people, or all ND relationships. We’re here because we want support for specific difficulties in our relationships, from others who share those difficulties.

It’s not the BBC where we are obliged to provide balance, but a support thread. There is inevitably a focus on pain points and frustrations. And we are well aware that our partners have frustrations with us, too! And they can start their own threads on those if they like.

But if reading these posts really upsets anyone, or of anyone struggles not to generalise out from our specific experiences, I’d urge them to consider stopping reading, as a kindness to themselves.

I have found the support and advice on this thread invaluable.
What I am aware of is that everyone on here is genuinely looking for support and advice about their particular relationships. All our relationships are unique to us.
The only people who generalise are the randoms who pop up periodically to tell us all that we are generalising......

I think what’s really important to recognise is the great mental and physical impacts on a NT person when their emotional needs aren’t getting met. Is my ND partner suffering with ongoing mental health issues? No he isn’t, he’s happy and doesn’t understand what the big fuss in. I’m sure ND people do have mental health struggles. In our case it’s only me who’s waking up crying because the previous evening my DP ignored me for reasons unknown and blocked me from talking by walking away repeatedly.

Of course I agree both partners need to make the effort for a relationship to work. If a ND feels they need to mask too much with an NT person then maybe they shouldn’t be with that person. Maybe there are people out there without much in the way of emotional needs.