Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

@BustyLaRoux i think that would have been the last time I had made an effort for him.

(And yes somehow, I’m finding it easier to put boundaries in place with my father than with dh)

I'm wondering if my situation is representative of a person with suspected asd. DH and I have a six-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son. When DS was young, DH wasvobsessed with work and was never at home, so everything was fine. Now DH WFH and is permanently around DD.
Being a cheeky six-year-old DD repeatedly tries it on, especially when DH is present. It is now a case of good cop, bad cop where I am the bad cop. I put a stop to obvious naughty Behaviour such as throwing food, jumping up-and-down at the table, Jumping on people on sofas, And hitting. DH instantly accuses me of being mean in front of DD. This obviously encourages DD to carry on. She then feigns crying. Runs over to him Crying saying, I love you, daddy and cuddling him. DH is totally unable to see this is an act. I have repeatedly explained this to him. He is unable to see what is going on and read the room. The bad behaviour is of course, escalating. She does not do this when she is with me alone, with my parents or with other people. I am at a loss. He does not understand and I am stuck for what to do. Have other people experienced this or is he just hopeless. It is a case of not understanding signs in pretty sure.

SpecialMangeTout you sound just like me. I always think I am to blame. I have terrible RSD (though I am learning to deal with that much better now I know what it is!). I avoid confrontation. I apologise when it’s clearly not my fault. I used to be different. I used to be full of rage. If someone shouted, I shouted back!

My DS is I hope very different to me! He’s more like his dad. His dad doesn’t let other people get to him. He is very even tempered and sees other people’s behaviour as not his problem. I do wish I could be more like that!!

Cupofcoffee Does he do this in front of anyone else?

The behaviour you describe CupOfCoffeeandaPineappleChunk wouldn’t have me screaming ASD in itself. More just enjoying being the favourite parent. Are there other things as well which make you think his behaviour is being impacted by ASD?

SpecialMangeTout I should stop trying to do anything for him. I have actually put some boundaries in place for my own sanity. My poor DB does loads for him and he is not particularly grateful. My DB has more patience than me. Though I did organise a lovely weekend away for his milestone birthday last year. It was a lot of effort.

He was awful!

@CrochetQueen12 yes he does. My parents think he is completely nuts as does my son. He obviously isn't very social so doesn't tend to mix with others but had no qualms with found it in public places which is a complete nightmare. We have had showdowns in exhibitions, galleries and many a restaurant. She will say she wants X unreasonable request for a 6 year old to which I obviously say no, he of course doesn't or undermines me in front of her. The only time she doesn't do this is when she is with my parents and she knows it won't work or we all tell him off and he doesn't understand why.

@CupOfCoffeeandaPineappleChunk if he is struggling to read people’s emotions, he might well not be able to make a difference between real upset and being ‘manipulated’ by his dd to get what she wants (manipulated used in a very lose sense here!! I actually don’t think children have the ability to manipulate until they are way older).

Dh is notorious at associating the wrong intentions to our dcs actions.

@CupOfCoffeeandaPineappleChunk what happens when there is only the two of them?
Lets say they are at a cafe together and she asks for something impossible.

Is he ever looking after her on his own?

He sounds like a child himself Coffee. I would leave the room or house every single time. I would exclude him from outings and time with your family.

@SpecialMangeTout I Believe he let's her do what she asks for from reports.

@BustyLaRoux yes I now realise lots of behaviors are probably asd. The more stressed he's become the more pronounced, bit they've always been there to an extent. No interest in pepole or friends- he had none and says he can't understand why pepole make the effort, no interests except his job and extending if it which are number related, tax, investments cards and back to back watching of TV series. He has auditory processing disorder and often doesnt ' get what you mean aside if that'. He had fixations a week as types of ocd with door and window locking. I've realised recently he lacks emotional reciprocity which is what had driven me nuts. I'm used to it and i think the slip of masking had been gradual but to my son is very obvious. He notices his social interactions are very odd indeed. He also cannot drop a topic at all and gets stuck on it. This has become more and more pronounced. He has a perfectionist stack with regard to his work. He is a mathematical master brain. Doesn't remember pepole or names even when he's met them lots of times.

@crochet this is the new strategy at home. I tell him in advance he's going out and kick him out by force in advance of contentions activities like hair washing🙄. It's tricky when we are out though and I can't deprive oir child if family time totally.
I went in holiday for half the time with my parents and half with him. Parents half was so easy!!!

That sounds awful Coffee.

Been reading around and came across the idea of living separately whilst still married.

Me and dh are effectively doing a bit of that (dh is away every weekend) even though this was ofc never discussed.
I could easily dream of something where him being away was happening more and was talked about as a solution

In my dream as it would mean having a discussion about it and dh would struggle with that

But the more it goes, the more I think this would be a viable solution so we both get our space and can get our own needs met.

@SpecialMangeTout The fact that dh works away is quite possibly the main reason we are still together.
He has always worked away, anything from 2-3 sometimes 4 weeks at a time.
I remember at the beginning, 27 years ago, I used to miss him, then when the kids came along, just getting on with being a lone parent. Now, I actually prefer him gone. Our household just works better when he's not here.
I honestly don't think I could cope if he was at home for more than a few weeks at a time. I'm dreading retirement.
I have broached the living apart scenario with him. Pointing out that we like to live differently. I like clean & tidy, he is a slob.
We already have separate bedrooms, he barely talks to me when he is around, so I'm all for it.

Actually you made me realise something.

I relish the weekends when dh is away now that I am a bit better.
But the rest of the time, I’m more or less housebound. Dh works from home in the living room despite the fact both dcs have now left for Uni so we have two empty rooms 80% of the time.
We are always 1 meter away from each other. No break. I’m ‘in’ all of his meetings. And I never have a break listening to my own music etc….

I think wo the ASD or the ME, it’s a recipe for disaster really.

Long time lurker here. I’m so grateful to everyone on this thread (and the preceding ones) for sharing their experiences.

I’ve been married nearly 20 years to DH who is ASD / PDA.

Coming up soon are Mother’s Day and my birthday, which DH will forget / ignore. Which I could deal with, except I’m finding it a bit stressful trying to decide whether to remind him (which, however indirectly and gently I do it, is likely to set off some sort of rejection sensitivity shitstorm where he will feel criticised, micromanaged, patronised etc etc) or just let it go, which runs the risk of his noticing any birthday cards that arrive from my family, and feeling that I have somehow passive-aggressively set him up to look like ‘the bad guy’ by not reminding him. Any time he is conspicuous in his thoughtlessness it is somehow my fault for making him look bad.

Last year we ignored Mother’s Day - DH doesn’t put himself in the way of anything that would alert him to the fact that Mother’s Day even exists - though he gets this furious face on him if DS brings me home something from school for Mother’s Day - again I think because he imagines I have hidden from him that it’s coming, to make him look bad.

And we’ve been able to have some fairly frank conversations about his not seeing the point of birthdays - and he really can’t be bothered about his own, though makes an effort for DS’s (though he never remembers the date) which is sweet. But I told him it was important to me that our DS sees me having the same kinds of celebrations as DS and DH do, so that he understands that women / mothers / wives are equal people, equally worthy of celebration. DH said this was a good point (!), and that he’d get me a cake, and a present if I sent him a link for something I wanted. I sent him a link (for a cafetière - nothing fancy), but he didn’t get around to ordering it. And he forgot the cake. So I went out on the day to the shops and bought myself a present, a cake, a card and some wrapping paper, and gave them all to DH.

But he came over all moody and awkward, refused to wrap the present (‘what’s the point?’) and he just wrote his name in the card. No ‘Happy Birthday’, no ‘love from’.

I’m just dreading it this year. There seems no way for it to be OK. I’m not even sad, I just feel so fucked off that the fact I have a birthday at all ends up being perceived as an act of aggression against him.

This is absolutely PDA, by the way, not deliberate manipultive behaviour. Which almost makes it worse. It would be such a relief to be able to say, yeah, he’s a raging narcissist, total cunt, I’m leaving. But he is a well-meaning, very bewildered person with debilitating executive function impairments and a tremendously superficial grasp on the mechanics of human relationships who just cannot fucking cope with day-to-day adult life or anything that places an expectation on him.

How did I end up here? I can’t leave because he’d be a disaster to co-parent with. He never knows where his bank cards are. He forgets to feed our DS if I’m out for the evening. He has been known to lose his shoes and think this was a normal thing to have happen, and a totally reasonable justification for missing a long-awaited hospital appointment. I feel total despair.

Just to add to the above - I think the moodiness comes from a sense of huge shame about his demand avoidance and shitty executive function. But he can’t cope with the shame so he turns it round to be someone else’s fault, who then needs to be made to feel as awful as he does, so that things are ‘fair’. This is behaviour I’ve observed in DS since he was a tiny toddler - if he injures me during a meltdown, he insists it’s me who’s hurt him, and then attacks me further in retaliation. I have to be punished for being the ‘source’ of his shame and remorse for having hurt me.

I hate it.

Bunnyhair I just wanted to share the article women who leave lose twice. Perhaps you've read it but it's got a big section on birthdays, and I just want you to know that your feelings are valid.

The second thing I want to say, is that we can do impossible things, like leaving our partners if we want to. You don't need to stay in this relationship if it's not working for you. There is a way round the co parenting, the finances etc. All of it.

The wall of shame is a huge problem in our house too (though my DH is not PDA). If I trigger the shame he gets lost inside it and goes into conversation with himself, seeing or hearing nothing more that I say. I will get no comfort nor accountability nor recognition at that time. It's really so hard and I'm sorry you're burned out and tired tonight.

Ps I can send you a card if you'd like ☺️

@PictureFrameWindow oh that is so lovely of you. I’ve read that article before, which is part of why I felt I needed to take a stand and model equal access to celebrations. The wall of shame is a great way of putting it. Thank you for your kind response. 🥰

Have been a lurker and need to check in . Husband is definitely autistic but not officially diagnosed and I didn’t identify it until about 10 years ago.
he is a quiet,unassuming guy but…..his ocd,old fashioned vocabulary,inability to read the room,boring conversation that is painful,obsession with interests that are very solitary ie sailing,climbing.and using up our pension.
Has absolutely no backbone where the kids are concerned,left to me to discipline.
A very edited version but at the age of 60 am wondering what direction to take.
He is though a very ,kind harmless man ..any advice?

@Irritatedandfedupandsad I don't have any advice as I'm on the same position. Retirement is on our near future and I'm wondering what it will look like. Will less pressures make things better or will be become more insular? If I leave will life be better or should I just build a new life while still in my marriage.

That’s exactly the dilemma I have!! Am off to sleep now. Maybe chat tomorrow.X

My DP has said that ND men are more vulnerable than women because there isn’t the same support network online. Being an autistic woman has become a feminist issue he said, which men are then left out of.

But these men also very often have women they can lean on to fulfil their executive functions. Even if we are also ND and trying to cope with them as well breaks us. So we come here for many reasons - in my case because while I have spent years listening to DP monologue about his problems and the trauma of his divorce, I can’t get empathy from him for my stuff.

All this social stuff is stuff my ASD/ADHD DP does.

He has no friends in terms of what I would consider real friendships.

His social interactions are either masked - he puts on an act of being interested in someone for a short time but gets exhausted - or about his special interests. He is interested in his work so can enjoy a lunch with a colleague or work contact.

The slip of the mask being gradual - yes. DP had friends at school and uni, though he has not kept up with many and treated some badly. He tends to only think to contact people when he needs something from them. He said recently when I was talking about that great long stretch of early 30’s weddings that he’d not been invited to any. I was sad for him for this.

There’s no concept tho of what might be important to me socially or emotionally. DP claims he knows me really well and exactly what makes me tick. But he still forgot our anniversary - well, seemed vaguely aware of it but said it was just a date in a month to him.

I have found it helpful that DP is fully diagnosed in some ways. It helps him and me understand and explain why he does things. Why he monologues and appears uninterested in listening to me. Why I can say 999 nice things but have one moan and he will fixate on the one negative for days. But while I can paint the words ASD on every red flag, they are still there.
And I just don’t know if I have the energy to carry on.

We do suffer.