Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

My therapist called the burnout compassion fatigue. It’s a real condition caused by all of the above. Be kind to yourself.

“It would be such a relief to be able to say, yeah, he’s a raging narcissist, total cunt, I’m leaving. But he is a well-meaning, very bewildered person with debilitating executive function impairments and a tremendously superficial grasp on the mechanics of human relationships who just cannot fucking cope with day-to-day adult life or anything that places an expectation on him.”

All of this for me too - as well as the apparently being a shaming monster if I bring up a birthday or anniversary.

I just want to say you have a really sophisticated and nuanced understanding of your DH’s conditions and he is really lucky to have you.

@organictomatoes they is very kind of you to day. Sadly DH doesn’t seem to think he’s lucky at all to have me. I get the sense he feels genuinely hard done by in life that he doesn’t have a wife who is a silent, cheerful extension of his own thoughts and needs and intentions, so that when she does all the work of looking after him / DC / the house / the finances he can tell himself - and believe it - that he is doing it all, unassisted.

@organictomatoes I’m interested by your DP’s idea that ND men are more vulnerable because there aren’t communities online for them, so they are ‘left out’. But nobody is stopping ND men from setting up such online communities! This feels like a perfect example of a common double bind for ASD men - feeling unhappily socially isolated, but insufficiently motivated to do anything about it because of a baseline intolerance of the company of other people. And this is a really heartbreaking situation to be in. But it doesn’t mean that other people are excluding ASD men or leaving them out or denying them male spaces online. It’s this externalisation of any internal conflict again.

@organictomatoes

On the subject of being harder for men... what a load of bs. It can be harder or easier for men or women depending on their situation.

Women have online support?? look at the age of the women using this online support and the average will be mid 30s because women are overlooked and left to mask, hide and live with what men are typically diagnosed around 7 for.

We spend most our lives being misdiagnosed with BPD, anxiety and stress or just "not trying hard enough" and all this normally leads to trauma on top of everything else.

Being ND is hard to live with which is why 1/4 or men attempt suicide.... 1/3 of women attempt suicide. Its not a competition because its hard for both genders just in different ways.

I dunno, since diagnosis my DH has never been off forums. He's on a web forum a lot and now a WhatsApp group pinging about 20 times an evening. I'm really pleased for him to have that outlet. We also both listened to some autism podcasts together. Some of them had different neurotypes talking about their experiences of the same thing, eg small talk.

I really understand what you're saying about externalising internal conflict Bunnyhair. My DH says his friends are not there for him. But when his friend was getting a divorce I reminded him so often to get in touch, but he didn't. He sees that others have relationships and feels excluded by that, but doesn't actually want to be in a close reciprocal relationship with someone. I just call him out on that now, if he starts to complain.

This one is hard because I know I struggle extremely hard with friendships because it is the biggest drain for me.

I love spending time with friends but the burnout I get from spending time with them or even just messaging them is very hard and blocks me from being able to make the effort.

I also have to deal with RSD so the more people I interact with the more it is triggered and the more burnout I deal with.

I get so lonely but it's like my brain can't handle reaching out to people and maintaining friendships which I can see it being annoying for people on the outside looking in. Trust me when I say it's not easy for the person going through it and we see how dumb it looks but it's how our brains are wired.

@PictureFrameWindow it’s not just friends, it’s family too.
Dh would have had little contact with his sister if his mum hadn’t stepped in and ensured there are regular family meet ups.
Heck he didn’t even made the effort when his dad was unwell and dying.

@krkw thanks for your insights. I was wondering what challenges you face in messaging a friend. Is there anything that would make it easier? Is it the fact of opening yourself up to someone (even via text) that is hard? No problem if you prefer not to answer, also ☺️.

I'm still trying to understand it fully myself as I just thought I was a bad friend and like @SpecialMangeTout says it's also family.

We have to mask to appear "normal" around people which is uncomfortable and tiring. We pay attention to so many things and question everything we say and do and the other person says and does then it runs through our heads after so we can't even switch off after.

We might appear normal and it might seem just socialising which is natural to others but inside our brains is an absolute wreck.

The best way to help is just being someone your partner can completely unmask around with no judgement. I can imagine he wishes he could have friends and does feel lonely but being someone he can be himself around will help.

Actually I would say it is easier to unmask around other ND people so if you could find a way for him to reach out to other NDs that could help?

@krkw this is such a painful description of the internal tension of wanting friends but also finding friendships difficult on a number of levels. I can absolutely see how maddeningly hard this is.

You are able to own this, though, as something frustrating and difficult to understand that goes on inside you. You’re not trying to say it’s something others are doing to you. And that is such an important insight, which will really support your ability to be in relationship with others. People can forgive and understand intermittent contact and un-replied-to messages and last minute cancellations etc if the underlying relationship is sound and they know what the issues are for you and they feel cared about.

@Bunnyhair it's hard to open up to people that don't get it because I have literally been told I don't have ND because I don't melt down in shops and I'm well behaved and seem fine socially. If I showed how I really felt I'd be "putting it on" because I've already showed I'm fine.

Alot of people still don't get it or want to understand so it's still hard to be as open as I am on this thread with people I meet and even friends I've had for years.

People that don't have these struggles but are still willing to understand and help are absolutely gold dust. You and others in this thread do give me hope though

Hi, I have been a long-time lurker here too and this discussion is resonating so much.

DP and I split last year and we have 2 DDs. Coparenting quite well although ex is struggling. The notion of him being bewildered rings so true.

I feel like my ex is unable to really connect with people on any meaningful level, talks about himself all the time, is quite shouty with everyone, doesn't seem to ever think about how someone might feel as a response to his actions.

And then he is really sad that he feels like no one is there for him.

I struggle not taking on his sadness and really have to try and just find my own happiness since splitting. But he seems lost and has no way of finding his way through. I have mentioned he might be ND which he was alive to but thinks it won't make any difference in the long-run to get a diagnosis so hasn't taken it forward.

Don't mean to hijack the chat - we've had a bad morning and this all feels very familiar.

Thanks so much everyone for all their posts - it helps so much.

@2kidsnewstart

unfortunately I've found getting diagnosed isn't that helpful as it's a long waiting process that at the end of theu just put you on another waiting list for tablets.

The best thing I've found that helps is self awareness and finding ND groups online and being more understanding of why I am how I am and talking to others like me makes me feel a little less isolated.

That's really helpful, thank you. Can you let me know any good groups that might appeal to a 40yo man pls?

I just did a search on FB and found ADHD parents with ADHD children and ADHD crafts. There is loads on fb that he could join that are more suited for him though.

I find alot of articles about ND through these groups too that help so it may be helpful for you too? it could help to understand him better and know what can help him.

Ultimately its like most things in life and you have to put the work in yourself and no one can do it for you.

I can imagine he wishes he could have friends and does feel lonely

Yes dh has mentioned that before.
And also the being hurt at not being invited to weddings.

Maybe RSD? I've noticed it can go side to side with ND. You want to be invited but also you don't want to go because you kmow how hard it will be. One of the many paradoxes we deal with.

What does RSD standing for?

rejection sensitivity disorder. You are more sensitive to people's opinions of you and any slight change in how people are with you. For me I question everything I've said and done to try figure out what I've done wrong and beat myself up.

Although I would have never admitted it once upon a time and would say I don't care what people think and I was happy on my own with not many people around me.

Oh yes I can see what you’re talking about.

I can do that! But I’ve always associated it to trauma/emotionally volatile father/emotionally unsupportive parents. I didn’t know there is a name for it.

Good evening everyone! I’ve not commented for a bit as I’ve been trying not to think about the state of my marriage. I’ve been getting some nasty stress symptoms: headaches, stiff neck, panic attacks etc.

We have our second counselling session tonight. Last week our 3 year old wouldn’t go to bed so I had to have the session on my own. It was helpful because I could explain our problems from my perspective and give her some background information. She said in her professional opinion she thinks he’s ASD.

DH has requested a session on his own tonight as I had one. I’m just really scared he’s going to throw all the blame at me and not take responsibility. I guess it’s probably the way it’ll go. Does anyone else have experience of couples counselling where your partner had a session on their own? What was it like for them and you?

We've just had an argument so goodness knows what he’ll say as he’s quite angry with me. I dared to bring up an issue we’re having with childcare while he was washing up. He made no comment or response. When I asked what he thought he didn’t really say much so I started getting upset. He then walked past me while I was mid sentence to fetch something our ds needed in the other room while I was talking. This then upset me as he clearly wasn’t listening. I then got tearful. He accused me of getting on my soapbox at an inconvenient time and expecting the whole world to stop because I’ve got something to say. This was an important issue I brought up that has caused me a lot of stress over the past year. It’s just so rude and disrespectful. I just don’t know if there’s a way forwards for us. I want a relationship where we face problems together. I’m hoping the therapist can get through to him but it’s just not looking good. I just feel so alone. Maybe I just need to accept he’s ASD and we’ll never have the relationship I want.

@Dialledin I’m sorry you’re under this level of stress. I know that situation well of trying to have an important conversation and DH not being able to process speech at the same time as whatever else he’s doing, and going blank / wandering off / snapping at me. But somehow there never ends up being a good time to initiate those boring but necessary conversations about the logistics of life. I tend to communicate important things by WhatsApp (not least because then there is a record of it when he tries to tell me I never told him about X or Y thing that needs doing).

It feels awful to think about now, but maybe accepting that he’s ASD and you may not have the relationship that you want with him could be helpful in the longer term. It has been for me, in that I’m no longer spending tons of energy trying to work on the relationship in the hope something might click. It’s not going to click.

Radically accepting that I need to get my social and emotional needs met elsewhere, and that I will get no help or support with anything emotional or practical, paradoxically took a lot of the anguish out of my marriage. I think of myself now primarily as a carer, and reframing in this way helps me not feel so hurt and lonely all the time. It’s obviously not how I hoped things would turn out.

Is the therapist specialised in ND relationships? Because it might help to find someone who can suggest ways to communicate and solve problems together that don’t rely on his being able to do things he can’t. NT relationship approaches rely a lot on developing both partners’ ability to consider the other’s perspective, and for (not all, but) many autistic adults this ability just can’t be developed any further than it is.