Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Sorry posted too soon. I had just read another thread that made me think how lovely DH seemed at the start and how he's still basically a decent human being. He just has no self-awareness or capacity for emotional reciprocation and I'm dying of loneliness being married to him.

All I can think is that I haven't taught DC what a healthy relationship looks like and now I'm trapped because my health has failed. It has failed in part because of the stress of being married to my DH. This good man who looks saintly from the outside.

So yes. Let me get in a time machine and go back to tell young me to run far and run fast. I suspect I'll end up having an exit affair and then within a few years either recover my health or be in a nursing home from the stress of divorcing him.

@SquirrelSoShiny I’m so sorry. I really hope you can leave your marriage. I’m currently on sick leave, utterly burnout, had a terrible year, but have also realise that DH not only provides no emotional support but in fact adds to my stress and worries. I’ve realised I’ve spent a lot of my life in a state of high alert trying to prevent meltdowns/ensure his actions don’t cause more problems in our life.

It’s funny.

I’m disabled and dh is in the spectrum so also disabled (see all the the ‘what you said/did us ableist’ etc…)

When I say dh somehow acts as my carer as in he is taking on all the HW and cooking, people are quick to say how amazing he is to even do any of that for me. That his life will have been shattered by my illness and changed beyond recognition etc… That, I, as the disabled person, should be grateful for any bit of help he might send my way. Because you know, being a carer and changing your life around someone is SO hard.

And then, when if i mention dh is hard to live with or any specific issues linked with his ASD, it’s all how I am simply ableist. That I ought to make an effort for him and dint I know how hard it is for him. That I’m supposed to adapt around his specific needs because you know, disability.

Why? Why is supporting someone with a disability normal and the least you can do for some people/disability but something you should be immensely grateful about when it is about another disability?

Because I’m ending up with the worst of both worlds. Expected to bend over for dh and his needs whilst keeping my needs silent because they are too much.

So yes, I have the same thoughts than @SquirrelSoShiny .
I would never say that my marriage made me ill. But the stress, the walking on eggshell, the always wondering what I did wrong/how I could things differently etc… whilst not getting the basic suppport I needed (even when abled) has made my health 100x worse.
I’d tell anyone who wants to get involved in such marriage that it is hard work. And they might want to think about it so if they chose, they go in with their eyes wide open.

I feel the same as you @SquirrelSoShiny .

Based on my experience I would be blunt about what is has been like for me, what it’s like for other people I know with ASD partners. And I would also say the difficulties magnify once you have children.

Bluntly, I find being married to my H dementing. The relationship was good at a superficial level. When there were no demands on him. Every time there has been he has failed, because, essentially, he doesn’t really have any understanding of what a relationship involves. He doesn’t understand that it’s about relating to another person, or what that means.

ASD is a condition that causes difficulty in social relationships. It’s not ‘ist’ anything to point out that is likely to cause difficulties in the closest relationship that is a marriage or parenthood.

Isn't it funny how anything we say is 'ableist' but many of us have ended up disabled in these relationships and just have to shut the fuck up and put up? 😂

I am sorry to hear about the support you have received when you have been unwell, unfortunately I can also relate to this too.

its so upsetting even now to think he couldn’t meet my basic needs if I was unwell or that we couldn’t work as a team of the children were unwell.

as strange as this sounds, I know I have said this before, this post is so comforting because sometimes my needs for support were difficult to explain. I am slowly realising I wasn’t imagining how I felt and that I’m not the only person in this situation, although part of me wishes I was!! And that actually, I was and have been very strong and not at all pathetic or ‘needy’ as he use to tell me

At some point in the last two years, dh decided he was going to be away every single weekend. No discussion. It was what it was.
During that time, he also went away for a week for his own hobby.

It was also a time when I was so unwell I couldn’t find the strength to get up and take a meal from the freezer to warm it. Between feeling hungry and finding the strength to get up, staying hungry always won.
I lost nearly 3kg that week he was away.

But could I dare mention it or say that he needed to stay? Of course not. Because you know PDA etc…
Did knowing I had lost that much weight because I was truly incapable to look after myself meant he changed his weekend habits? Nope.

im lucky that I am better now. I can get up and warm stuff up for myself.
But I’m not forgetting. I dint think I’ll ever be able to forget how he treated me then (well still does but I can cope better iyswim)

Sorry to be going on and on.
I’m feeling quite sorry for myself atm….

@Onetwothreefour1234 , @SquirrelSoShiny @CrochetQueen12 im sorry you’ve experienced similar things.

Its crap. Our dh should the very people there to support us when we are struggling so much health wise. Knowing that they will not and probably never will have your back is shit.

And YY about being able to ‘mask’ and play the role of the doting partner when people are around.
And it’s not just the caring partner, it’s also the one who looks after the dcs or tidied up after themselves.

@SpecialMangeTout go on as much as you want/need.

My DH hates when I’m ill (very rarely). My best friend noted I was struggling to eat my lunch (struggling to eat with stress). She asked me when was last time I had eaten a proper meal and I worked back and said 5 days (this was Friday and Monday was the last day when my DH had “cooked” chicken nuggets and chips). Every other evening my DH had been around and not mentioned that I did not have dinner or if he asked if I wanted something and had gone “not hungry” he left it.

I mentioned this to DH, namely my friend commented I had not eaten a proper meal for 5 days and she was worried. His response,

“I cooked a meal for you Monday evening so it can’t be 5 days”.

I genuinely am scared if I was suddenly seriously ill at home I would die. I haemorrhaged after my first child (in hospital), I was pale, shaking and becoming dizzy. He put another blanket over me. I remember a midwife coming over, looking at me, screaming at my DH, “why the hell did you not get someone?” Cue sheets coming off, me covered in blood and rushed to theatre. If I had been at home I guarantee I would have died.

You are not going on, hopefully it is helping to be able to discuss it with people that can relate to what you’re saying. Utterly crap, so sorry 😔

Go on and on as much as you need. It’s so important for people in situations like ours to have somewhere where we can speak and actually be heard.

I’m sorry things are so hard for you

I cooked a meal for you Monday evening so it can’t be 5 days

This is exactly the sort of thing H would say. Both completely missing the point and centering only himself by defending himself.

In our one disastrous counselling session, H insisted he did listen to me in our relationship. I asked him to name one thing I had asked him to do in our relationship. He couldn’t. But dismissed this with ‘I admit I don’t remember everything but’. And he was completely unperturbed by this. There was no realization that in ten years of me intensely bringing to him issues, and him not being able to name one, was actually quite remarkable, and maybe he was doing something wrong after all.

Afterwards I said to him that he had said, ‘ I admit I don’t remember everything’ with such lack of emotion or insight, that it was as if I had accused him not always remembering the beans when he did the shopping.

His actually reply was an angry, indignant, ‘ I’ve never forgotten the beans!’

!

And I’ve just realised that he was actually more emotional at being accused of forgetting the beans than he was at being exposed as not being able to remember a single thing I’ve asked him to do for the sake of our relationship.

I guess because the importance of listening to and nurturing the person he is married to is not something that has any meaning to him, but remembering the beans does.

FFS, relating to me is less meaningful and real to him than a bloody shopping list! Wow. I’ve just realized that.

I tend to agree with this. My H went through a phase of claiming he had PDA.
But anything I want him to do, he can’t organise himself to do. Anything he wants to do, yep he’s on it. I cried when I read an email he wrote with all the detailed planning he did for an event he was organizing for his hobby group. He can do it, if it’s important to him. How I feel isn’t important to him.

i share your rage @CrochetQueen12

I have been lurking on this thread for a while.

I am in a relationship with a diagnosed ASD guy.

We have been together for about a year now. We get on amazingly well.... until I have negative feelings, and then I end up apologising to him. it is like I can't feel sad/angry. He can't deal with my feelings at all.

To be fair, there is a SHIT load of crap going on for him right now. Losing his home (land lord wants him out) , burnout so maybe losing job, needs an operation, meltdown leading to police action...
I do love him, and want to support him.

I'm sorry to hear your DP is having a rough time.

I think what this thread is probably showing you is that difficulties are easyish to override in the short term are much harder to weather in the long terms. It's 'death by a thousand cuts' exactly.

What happens if burnouts are every two years (as happens here)? What happens if you are angry and sad in a way you can't manage on your own (like in a difficult health situation)? It is very hard to create an equal partnership with someone who struggles to self regulate and communicate (for whatever reason).

I would take some time to explore what the future might look like for you together. Plenty if mixed neurotypical relationships succeed but it's important to think it all over.

Yes. So you will become a stranger to yourself over months and years. It is a very lonely place to be. I don't recommend it. DEFINITELY don't plan on having an emotionally supportive partner if you have children - you will already have an adult child who can't self-regulate.

If he is willing to commit to longterm therapy to learn better strategies for managing life he might become better at the adulting and avoiding the burnout. (Only a certain brigade within the 'neurodiversity' movement will scream abuse at you for daring to suggest that they ever be expected to change and grow, the rest of the planet must accomodate them!)

Only you know if he has the capacity to meet you at a heart and soul level. That's where the loneliness creeps in over time and eventually you will feel like a plant starved of water and sunlight. I'll be honest, nothing you are describing in your brief summary is making him sound like an attractive partner, more of a project. Why are you with him? What does he add to your life? He might be a nice guy but he sounds chaotic and already after just a year you are having to apologise for being yourself. Do this long enough and after a few years you will realise that you don't know who you are anymore. I don't recommend it. My advice to younger me? RUN FAR, RUN FAST.

Here is the best relationship advice, (for the general population, not just those with ND partners). It’s not how well you get on when things are fine that dictates how strong the relationship is, it’s how you can both deal with matters when things are not going well. If I had understood this when I met H, I would have been able to spot this was a doomed relationship from the start.
You see it all the time on Relationship threads, ‘it’s so wonderful when things are good, but it’s just when….’ And I want to yell, ‘no, what you are describing is a doomed relationship, not a good one’

Unless you can both a way to handle things when things aren’t going so well, this will not be a successful relationship.

And police action over a meltdown is a massive red flag.

Read 7 principles of a successful marriage. It was too late for me, but it really helped me understand how and why and where my marriage was bad, but also why I stayed in it so long ( actually scored quite well on the friendship matrix).

And you say you want to help him, but what about you? Who helps you? You matter too. Its that old saying on MN, don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

and eventually you will feel like a plant starved of water and sunlight

So interesting @SquirrelSoShiny , this is exactly what an ( excellent)counsellor said to me years ago about my marriage, ‘you can’t grow as you are like a plant without light and water to nourish you.’

I have ADHD and autism so I'm happy to give perspective

personally I have alot of empathy and I think it might not be natural for some people but there is never an excuse to not be putting effort into a relationship and have love and empathy for your partner. I think that's a strong foundation for a healthy relationship.

@ThereGoesMyHead hello- and i say this as an autistic person myself- i would say to think about whether you’d be happy if things never changed. This is something i should have thought about, i stupidly expected that i could change my partner or he would grow, but the differences really appeared when our life grew up (kids, more work responsibilities etc) but he stayed the same. I’ve had to make up the difference at a huge personal cost. That said, i do feel this is my issue, i should have realised I couldn’t change someone, but i was young and optimistic.

Couldn’t agree more!