Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

I should add DH will often apologise some hours later for being unreasonable, and in that moment I think he means it, which makes me think a lot is ASD and inability to emotionally regulate (and he needs to go away and calm down).

Yes to all the blaming. His whole family. When they trip over a coffee table etc, it is the table’s fault.

i feel like saying “just try it, just try taking some blame for something, its not that bad, everyone generally responds well to someone being mature and taking responsibility, and thats how a situation is resolved amicably”.

Oh my goodness, my H NEVER apologises later. I can't tell you how much my soul used to ache for this. For him to come home one day and say, 'I've thought about what you said YesThis, and you're right. I'm sorry.'

The nearest I get to him recognising his behaviour was off was when I remind him of something he did, and he just denies that the ever did that and that I am making it up to be horrible to him. At those times, I guess, he is able to realise what he did was wrong, but he just denies he ever did it, so still not his fault.

Can I help you? Did you have a personal experience to add?

This made me laugh! Not my DH, but another family member who planes the table/door/road etc for any accident. I used to just roll my eyes, but I do now try and address it when I hear the family member say to my kids "Naughty table. Did the table trip you up? Give it a smack!". Drives me absolutely potty. I'm told I am too serious when I ask them not to blame an inanimate object for an accident, and not to encourage smacking at all.

IceLollipop Oh my God yes to your last paragraph!!!

It’s like he’s on high alert the entire time and sees most things as a personal attack and gets defensive. I have to be really careful how I speak to him

Everything is perceived as criticism. His stock response to a whole range of minor misunderstandings is “so it’s MY fault then?”
but I’m not talking in terms of who is at fault. Just that there is obviously a misunderstanding. He will immediately deny he has misunderstood or miscommunicated anything and blame me. I’ll say actually no that’s not quite how it happened. He say “so it’s MY fault then?!” But it’s a minor thing not worth trying to find fault or blame but he can’t not see it in terms of fault and blame (never his of course!). I’ll say I’m really not thinking in terms of fault or blame here. It doesn’t matter. But he then tells me I’m “obsessed” with fault and blame! I’m just not though. He thinks I am because that’s his lens and it’s the only one he’s got.

He seems to really enjoy criticising other people. But for things that he does!!! His ex for putting the children to bed too late (same time as him often!). People for being fat (he is nearly in the obese category himself!). My DF for being shouty and rude (errrr?!!!). Me for having to always be right (you have got to be kidding me!). Me for interrupting him (our counsellor literally had to repeatedly ask him to stop speaking over me and let me talk!). It just goes on and on! As I said my DF is also ASC and seems to enjoy nothing more than criticising other people. Maybe this is a coincidence or maybe it’s an ASc thing. I’d be interested to know others’ experiences…..

And yes blaming inanimate objects! Oh my god. Not “oh what a wally I am for walking into that!” It’s more like “that’s a stupid place for that thing to be in. I’ve already said it should be moved!”

😩

I just want to say how it’s been a comfort to
me to be here and sharing some of my frustrations with people who seem to get it. I’m not looking to end the relationship. Though I probably should sometimes! Thank you all
for being so nice here x

@BustyLaRoux my DH is so self critical of everyone else and same as your DH for things he does - absolutely no self-awareness.

He barely speaks to his brother because DBIL lied to him about getting fired from his job (he was going through an appeal process and was hoping he would be reinstated). When I highlight how much my DH has lied to me over the years (especially about money), but I haven’t chucked him out, he says nothing.

He also thinks everyone has it easier than him or there must be some magic trick he’s missing. Friends of ours have same number of kids, but bigger house and in independent school. DH, “well I need to find out from my friend how they manage to do this”. I’m like, “Inheritance, debt, drug dealing, lottery win, what does it matter? There is not something easy we are missing in life.” It’s like he thought he was going to be told some magic idea about how to get rich. He has a degree in politics and economics so it’s not like he shouldn’t realise how money works.

@IceLollipop He also thinks everyone has it easier than him
I think this is probably true for the vast majority of ND people, I think the majority of NT people really do have easier. That's definitely AS.

However:

or there must be some magic trick he’s missing.

I think is a reaction or habit built on the first bit - throw in a chunk seeing the world through a different lense.

I think we're all a mash up of nature and nurture and our experiences will be effected by the way we interact with the world and each other. I'm trying to avoid the peeling layers of onion analogy but it's very apt.

You see I’m not sure I agree with you there @Daftasabroom .

Talking from the pov of someone who has an illness described in research papers as one with the worst quality of life.

Yes ND is making people life harder. There is no doubt about it.
Yes depending in how people affected, it will have a different impact too.

But on the other side, 20% of the population is disabled. Yes that much (and increasing). A lot of it being invisible.
People have gone through trauma, suffer from PTSD etc…. A lot of people suffer from life long chronic illnesses.
All of those people have struggles and limitations. Just like autistic people.

The difference for me is how you deal with the fact you are struggling. And yes it is likely to be linked to your life experiences etc… But we also all have free will and the ability to change our internal world.

That’s interesting. I don’t think my DP thinks he has it worse than everyone else but I do think he finds comfort in boasting. He is a dreadful boaster. I think due to a lack of social awareness and ability to read people, he isn’t able to pick up on social cues about boasting being cringey and not the thing to do. I genuinely wonder if this is a necessity to big himself up because inside he feels inadequate (one might assume that must be the root of it), or whether he just enjoys holding court and believing everyone is very impressed. I always think it must be the former. It must be a lack of confidence or a need to compare himself favourably to others to boost his ego, but actually I’m not sure. His DS is the same. Endless boasting. But is this learned behaviour? It’s like watching a 5 year old who puffs out his chest and tells you how clever he is because he knows the names of all his dinosaurs. Cute when they’re 5. Not so much when they’re a teenager! Seems to genuinely think boasting will impress. But of course the complete opposite is true!

SpecialMangeTout to address your point about ND making people’s lives harder…. I don’t think it has in the case of my DF or my DP. They’re both very sociable and have no ability to read social cues. People seem to like them, they both have lots of friends and have done pretty well in their careers, but you can tell people find them a bit odd. And if they had lost out in love or career or whatever due to their ND-ness, their complete lack of self awareness means they wouldn’t join the dots. They wouldn’t attribute a difficulty to
something inherent. Actually my DF would if he was aware he had ASC. I have tried to discuss it with him but a doctor once said in passing she thought he was OCD and he has clung to this “diagnosis” ever since refusing to discuss an alternate probably more appropriate and accurate diagnosis. But if he did have the ASC diagnosis he would absolutely wave it like a banner and say he had suffered immeasurably because of it. He has multiple (minor) health conditions and we never hear the end of the limitations he has to live with and how difficult he finds everything.!!! In his case though his relationships have absolutely failed because of his ASC. He is extremely difficult to live with. But he doesn’t see that he’s played any part in their demise. Is completely without self awareness in that respect. A diagnosis would make no difference in that respect!

Still here. Living in denial. Except when I see someone on MN talking about a new relationship with someone clearly ND and I want to tell them to run for their fucking lives while they still can.

And I mean that literally. I can't run anymore.

👋👋👋 Hi @SquirrelSoShiny
I'm still around too and because dh is away for 3 fantastically long, gloriously stress free weeks I too am living in denial.

I do think lots of things are harder with ND.

DH is often quite judgy about one of his siblings who everyone has accepted is probably autistic (but not diagnosed) ...but doesn't recognise his own life/behaviour would be very similar without me "filling in the cracks" of what he finds difficult/too overwhelming to do. (Sibling is single and other family help with admin type things)
Years ago we went on holiday and family were there. DH sibling was there as a single parent with young DC and didn't know where their toothbrushes were. DH was very critical of this ...I said he probably wouldnt know where our DC toothbrushes were. He said he would if I wasn't there! If I wasn't there it's unlikely they'd have made it to the right destination on the right day ,and it may not have occurred to him to take his own toothbrush let alone DCs.
He takes a lot of moral high ground for not being on his phone as much as me, (because anything tech does not seem to be intuative for him at all) as he assumes all i use it for is social media. But has no concept of a phone being the primary way people get hold of you by actually calling, messaging or emailing. My phone broke recently and I was so stressed out that it just wouldn't occur to him that he was the 2nd emergency contact for school or if the kids had a problem they would need to contact him! He could easily not have his phone with him, be on silent or simply ignore it. He's very defensive if I say I called or messaged and you didn't answer. He'll say its on silent/he didn't have mobile data turned on etc but as if all these are passive things that the phone does by itself!

Ha ha, yeah I am often criticised for “gawping” at my phone. I do look at my phone a fair bit to be honest. But so does he. Of course he isn’t “gawping” when he’s doing it though!

Dh is very judgemental too.
At me - yes the use of my phone/tablet. At the dc, or rather dc1 too. I remember so clearly the day he was looking at dc1 because he had put a small half teaspoon of sugar in his porridge. The child was about 6~7yo at the time. He looked at dc1 as if it was unacceptable and he didn’t deserved it😢

Im not sure it’s being autistic though.
I seem to have quite a few friends on
the spectrum, incl diagnosed with PDA, and none of them are anywhere as judging as dh is towards me and dc1
(And no he isn’t judgemental
towards dc2, who is also on the spectrum…)

Today dh passive aggressiveness is full
on.

We are redoing our kitchen after years and years talking about it.
i pushed it as it needs to be adapted to my disability.
dh refused to have it fitted (dislike of spending money) so has to do some work on it.

But it stops him from spending his weekend away. Cue for massive noise from7.30am despite knowing I was still sleeping

Banging of items. Forcefully putting stuff down.
Moaning under his breath.
Oh and refusing to talk to me.

Im afraid I’m not being compassionate and not am I playing the game by being upset. I have enough of him and his wishes/decisions to come first and me being bottom of the pile

We went on holiday and my phone froze, he thought it would be good for me to have a break from my phone(it probably would) ...except I was the one looking at the email to check address/,what time we could arrive/the keybox code, googlemaps to get there, look up the nearest shop and what time it closes etc etc.
He would really struggle with any of that (he'd perhaps be ok with Google maps) but it's all "invisible" stuff, that he doesn't notice. I think that's one of the key things - all the invisible things that happen between having an idea eg "let's go to Devon" ....and actually getting there with everything we need!

So it would seem that my relationship is now over. My partner hasn't officially told me, but as we haven't spent time together since the middle of Jan, other than a quick 10 minute hello last week I'm assuming it is. He also doesn't do conflict
He has bought a house & ALL his focus is on that. I have offered to help ( to spend time together) & get rejected. I had a feeling this would happen & now have given up. I feel as if I've been used as a support person for all these years (5)& now his end goal is achieved ( divorce & house) I am no longer useful.
Funnily enough he still messages & phones.
Sorry for the rant. Just feel like I've completely wasted my time supporting him & understanding his quirks etc.

I’m sorry @Joy69

How are you coping?

How can posters here say this thread is not ableist when comments like this are condoned?

This comment is so so awful.

Meh. Blame it on ADHD. Post in haste, repent at leisure. It was how I was feeling at that particular moment about MY marriage.