Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

I did try counselling for me. She told me I needed to think more about H’s feelings and how things looked to him. It broke me. I wasted years and years and years of my life thinking about how things looked to H and if only I could find the right words I could get through to him and we could be happy. As if it were all my fault for not communicating well. If I hadn’t done that and had just thought ‘hang on, what about me? I’m not happy, I should just go’ I could have got out when it was easier.

It takes me huge amounts of effort now to hold onto any semblance of self, to hold onto any sense that I matter at all and that that stupid woman comes along and tells me to remove all from myself and think of his feelings?! When he never thinks of me?

And that’s why I would never ever go again to a counsellor who does not specialize in partners of people with asd. They have no bloody idea. None.

@YesThis i can imagine a lot of damage was done in your childhood if you were spoken to like this. Please know it’s not normal. I’m not surprised your self esteem is low.

It’s such a shame the councillor you saw couldn’t be more supportive of you. I’m so sorry you didn’t get the help you needed earlier. Would you see someone else? I think you’re right, the wrong councillor just won’t get the subtlety of the neglect from an ASD partner. On the surface it can look like the NT partner has the issue even though the mental state you’re in is triggered his behaviour.

Hi all. I've read many of the posts here in the past and realised that I think DH has high functioing ASD but am today wondering whether something he does( which causes massive issues) might be because of this so I thought I'd ask if anyone had experienced it.

Regardless If how present he is during a conversation, how quiet and uninterrupted it is and how many times I say something there can be unattached where he just doesn't "hear" my words. It's definitely not deliberate and he is truly amazed and baffled when i then often angrily re iterate the point as he on a mission to do something I've repeated several times i won't be doing and he just hasn't"heard". This is separate from auditory processing issues where he cant hear the words where there is background noise which he definitely has, anyone else experienced this?- wondering if it's possibly an ASD thing.

@CupOfCoffeeandaPineappleChunk yes definitely something I’m experiencing with my DH too. Although after I’ve repeated it a couple of times he’ll angrily say it back to me but he’s not able to respond to it. He just says he has nothing to add to what I’ve said. It might even be something important. He still can’t process it. I then get upset with him and tell him I’m up set he’s got nothing to add. It’s something I’m hoping our councillor can help us with. It drives me crazy. We have two small children so it’s not easy to pick a time to talk to him. To be fair it’s often when he’s doing something else like cooking or driving.

@Dialledin I was previously being blamed by him saying I wasn't ensuring I had his attention and he was concentrating in other topics( like you said your h is) but even today in a silent room when I had his full in divided attention I statetd something so unambiguously and he still was oblivious so it can't be me.

I don't know if this is an ASD symptom. It's entirely possible DH is just in his own world and a bit unrealistic/ just a bit selfish i suppose about lots of things. It's your partner diagnosed?

@CupOfCoffeeandaPineappleChunk does he have stress at the moment or anything he could be preoccupied with? My DH is worse if he’s tired, ill or stressed. I think it can be an ASD sign. My DH is not diagnosed but we’re starting counselling this week so I’m hoping the therapist recommends he has an assessment. My ds however has been referred for an assessment at nearly 4 years old. He definitely doesn’t respond when I clearly ask him a question? I have to sit him facing me and ask him slowly and I might get a response.

Well he's busier with work so you could sort of say he's more stressed. Maybe stress makes it worse. He's actually 69 and as time has gone on its got worse and worse. I feel like ìm going insane. He thinks I'm unreasonable and shouty as I eventually always lose my rag in the end.

Sounds like auditory processing difficulties which can be part of ASD. Both my husband and my son are the same.

@Windinmyhair my DH and 3 year old are like this. Any tips on coping with it? It drives me crazy some days when I’ve had a day of my ds not hearing me and then an evening of dh not hearing me. I’m hoping it’ll get easier when my one year old dd is older as we think she’s nt. I feel I can connect with her well even at her age but obviously she’s a bit young to be fully conversational yet.

@Dialledin when DS was diagnosed at 6 or 7 we attended an ASD parenting course. One of the traits explained to us was that some AS children with sensory overload (and id assume adults) turn off particular senses to give more bandwidth to others. We were specifically recommended not to require our DS to look at us and make eye contact if we were trying to get a message across. One anecdote from an earlier course was that a parent was talking to their DC when putting them in the bath. As soon as the talking stopped the DC started crying. The bath was too hot but the DC couldn't listen and feel temperature at the same time.

@Daftasabroom thats really interesting. We don’t have a diagnosis yet for ds but I’ll have a look at doing a course. Currently I find if I can make sure there’s no background noise and sit him on my lap he will come in for a cuddle and respond to my question. If not I’m not sure how I’d get a response to a simple question. Also I find the idea of not requiring eye contact detrimental to our connection and relationship. Ds is able to look at me and respond under the right circumstances. I appreciate it may be harder for him but surely in the wider world and when older he will need to do this for the sake of relating to others.

@Dialledin your DC is very small. Concentrate on communication with him and don't fret about how you achieve it - eye contact might come later. If you insist on eye contact before he is able, he might find it too hard to communicate at all.

You are right that the "real world" will put more demands on him than you do, but you might well find that he has the resources to manage those expectations if he is able to relax those expectations at home

My DH struggles a lot with listening. He "zones out" during almost every family meal.
I realised why he knows almost nothing of what the kids are doing at school (DD had the same form tutor for 5 years and he was unable to name her despite her mentioning her, several times a week at meal times) I took the kids out on Saturday and we went for brunch. We had exactly the same conversation at the dinner table on Saturday and Sunday meal times. DH asking where did we go/what sort of good did we have/what did we each order. (We could easily gave the same convo tonight and it would be like new info for him!)

We were talking about Mothers Day yday and DD tried to get DH and DS attention to discuss Mothers Day plans. DH said grumpily what's it got to do with me , you're not my mother. The irony that often in terms of organising, admin, packing for holiday, making sure people are ready to go out etc I often feel like I have 3 DC....in fact DH probably relies on me more than the 2 teens! The other day he was musing how difficult it would be if you lived on your own because you'd have to remember your keys every time you went out!

@HappyAsASandboy he is able to make eye contact and/or physically connect by sitting on my lap. I would never force him to. Ds is very mildly on the spectrum if at all and verbal so we don’t anticipate him having major problems later on. He’s also very bright so he understands I have a question and that’s why I’ve eliminated distractions so he can answer. I guess it works for us but it is frustrating to not be able to put my head around the door and ask what he wants for lunch. I can already do that with dd and she’s only 1.

@Sweetandsaltycaroline I’m sorry you’re having to repeat conversations like that. It’s so frustrating.

Mother’s day does have something to do with DH because presumably your kids are not adults. Of course the logistics will need input from him and if there’s any surprises he might need to help dc arrange. You’re the mother of his kids so it’s an important day for the family.

I can totally relate to all the birth stories 😢😢
No emotional support. Dh told me the first birth (long and traumatic) was boring as there was nothing to do 🫣🫣😵‍💫. Also found my few days in hospital a pain. Again nothing to do and ‘what do you want to talk about ?!?’
With dc2, he simply hardly came as he was busy doing some work in the house (very strongly pushed by MIL who had realised that a 20 months plus a baby whilst doing some building work wasn’t compatible. She ensured that there was nothing ‘messy’ left to do when I got back).
At no point did dh even considered that his paternity leave was about helping me either….

Nowadays, things are still the same except worse. I have ME. My quality of life is shit and dh…. still offers no emotional support. Took years to warm up to the idea that I wasn’t lazy but ill. No thought about how he could at least not hindered me or how his actions impact me.

Im starting counselling through the ME clinic. The psychologist asked me what sort of support I have. NONE was the answer. I still need to fight to have my needs taken into account and balance that with the cost of a fall out when I do.

@SpecialMangeTout I’m so sorry you have no support. It must be so tough with being ill too. Are you finding the counselling helpful? I can imagine you’re in a really vulnerable position because of you did want to leave it would be hard. Does your partner do housework or practically support you?

The births sound really difficult too. I’m sorry you went through that.

Not posted for a while as I have been less upset. I’m not sure why, I think I have made a bit of peace with the very odd marriage I am in. We did have a chat and he really wants to be married to me, he’s upset that I’m unhappy and doesn’t know how to fix it. Which is frustrating as I have told him, repeatedly, with 3 simple things that if he did them then I’d be content. He doesn’t do them.

so I backed off. He’s not going to change - so either I capitalise on the benefits of having a somewhat unbothered husband, or I leave.

thefe are benefits - he doesn’t mind if I go away without him, he’s not demanding, he’s reliable and he’s not going to be having an affair any time soon. I’m not going to be surprised by his behaviour, which I could choose to see as a strength if I look that the relationship board.

and he is loving me as best as he can. It’s a bit shit, it’s inadequate, it’s confusing and isn’t what I thought I was getting , but I do think it’s his best demonstration of love.

at the same time as trying to be less bitter, though, I’m working in building up my Fuck Off Fund. Just incase I can’t keep this up - either t will all be fine by this time next year or I’ll have the money to leave

this approach has made me less upset than I was. It might not last but I’m enjoying that for now

Yes, I am finding myself in a very vulnerable place where I am dependent on someone who can’t see my needs, let alone can actually support/fulfil them.

Dh does help practically (housework cooking). That’s it.
And financially, it’s allowing me to get treatments I wouldn’t be able access otherwise. Which is pretty important too.

For anything else, he switches off. Because ‘I have no idea what to say or do’… well yes… 😢

But thats also a reason why I would encourage people in relationships like mine to stop always finding excuses and trying to make it all work when it’s all so one sided. And to leave. The risk isn’t just about a few years that aren’t great. It’s the potential long term impact on your health, finances and ‘life organisation’ that means you are more likely to be left in the shit if you do stay

Sorry… I’m feeling unité down about it all just now.

Agree.

I should have left when the kids were little. By the time I realised he had performed boyfriend and husband meant being absent I had a batch of very small kids and no way of working as one of them was very unwell for 10 years. It took me til them to notice how much I’d been left to manage some.

I can’t understand how he could have done that. But, I do now have a very comfortable life, if I can get my resentment out of the way maybe we could be content.

i doubt it, but I’ll give it a year. And sort my finances out while I’m at it so I have choice.

Well I think you are all amazing ladies. It’s such tough luck to be in this situation. I often think about everything DH does and the reliability of him and feel some gratitude. I also know he’d never cheat. Luckily he is a very good Dad to the kids. Whether or not I can deal with the lack of emotional support is the question. Our first counselling session is on Friday so I figure I’ll know more after that.

I think it’s a good idea for all women who are in serious relationships to have an FO fund whether partner is ND or not. You never know when the rug will be pulled out. In our cases it’s an escape fund if it all gets too much.

So my three year old ds who’s been referred for an ASD assessment just made me cry. He looked at me and said, ‘Mummy you do a very important job. You tidy up and you look after us. I love you!’ It was the sweetest thing. Of course I’m now wondering if it is ASD but it felt lovely to get appreciation.

@SpecialMangeTout I am so sorry for the situation you are in. Its feeling alone when you most need support that is the hardest.

And this: But thats also a reason why I would encourage people in relationships like mine to stop always finding excuses and trying to make it all work when it’s all so one sided. And to leave. The risk isn’t just about a few years that aren’t great. It’s the potential long term impact on your health, finances and ‘life organisation’ that means you are more likely to be left in the shit if you do stay

All of this is so true. I really underestimated the impact it would have on me, and the kids. H was only diagnosed quite recently. By the time I had worked out how he really was, I was already in the shit in terms of being able to leave. I wish I could have seen it all earlier and left when it would have been easier.

I feel broken with guilt about the impact on the kids. I'm terrified about what it means for how all this will shape them and what sort of relationships they will seek in the future.

@SpecialMangeTout I take your warning about the potential future very seriously. It’s so hard to leave and I can imagine how easily time can slip away. I really hope your situation improves soon.

@stealtheatingtunnocks it sounds to me like there was a lot out of your control there. It sounds like you have a plan though. I really hope it works out well for you.

@YesThis I can understand the guilt but please don’t blame yourself if you can help it. It’s not your fault things have turns out like this. All you can do is focus on the future. It might not affect the kids in the long run as much as you think. You are their moral compass and will teach them how to have positive relationships. Then it’s up to them and out of your hands.