Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Email on Friday, LA has refused to issue an EHCP for our son. Both me and DH on email and I also WhatsApped copy of letter to my DH - he has said nothing on the subject.

I know if I said, “why haven’t you mentioned” he would kick off, “I was waiting for the right time not around kids or something”. Lots of eye rolls and sighing and then him asking random questions so it looked like he knew what he was talking about (and I would get frustrated but also a bit stressed that maybe I should have considered x and y).

He has been utterly uninvolved in the EHCP process (he had not even read the request when submitted), I’ve had to do it all (liaising with school attending meetings) despite working longer hours and having lots of other pressures, but he also has thrown strops because I’ve decided to move our DS to a more expensive independent school from the Autumn.

Last time we had a discussion he complained about the school move. When I pushed and said what was his plan then he went “what other schools are there (because obviously only I can find that out) and then “I’m just concerned about money” and ended with “let’s see what happens with the EHCP” (despite me reminding him we were going to have a fight on our hands and I was working on basis we would not get one/only get some funding after a fight, but also he has been utterly uninvolved with EHCP and I think actually does not understand what they are for - save for “you get some money”).

Back to now I am so frustrated because a few months ago he was throwing a strop about money and was talking about the EHCP, but then literally will do nothing about this refusal. This is classic DH. Only is worried about things if they impact him. I am signed off work and yet I will be the one having to appeal.

I know I could basically have a chat (like I was talking to a child and very one sided) and lots of “so we have these options” (and explain what we are going to do) but I don’t want to. I’m fed up of pretending we are a unit when he literally doesn’t care unless it bothers him.

I saw a quote recently which summed up my feelings, “I want a “we will sort this out together” love”.

Putting aside financial issues, I think my problem with splitting is my DH does do things round house, does school runs etc, and I think if I left “well you would actually be on your own and probably have to do more (and have more financial pressures), so surely it’s best to stay and just accept I will get no emotional support and carry all the mental load?

@IceLollipop this has been my exact experience. Anything that needs any input or effort he just doesnt do, or formulates opinions based only on how things affect him, without looking at the wider picture, or the greater good. I have driven everything from complicated ND kids school stuff (as you describe), house moves done entirely on my own- maybe he’ll pack a box but no opinions or teamwork even when it came to the finances, i doubt he knows any of the kids teachers or anything about school. He has for a long time been a passenger in our lives. Years ago i decided to take the wheel and stop expecting anything from him. I make big decisions on my own, dont even run medium sized decisions past him anymore. In a way it has made me feel an incredible independence (i am quite shy and nervous by nature) but it can feel very lonely.

@UpsideDownside surely the councillor should be supporting you with getting DH to understand how the lack of support is affecting you. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job of being self reliant. Of course like you say, the bigger things do require support from DH. What was he like early on in the relationship?

The thing that baffles me is DH was great early on. I really felt seen and understood. He was very supportive. I see him being emotionally supportive to our children with no problems. He says adults should be in control of their emotions. Of course most the time but sometimes we just need a hug or a good cry.

It’s so hard when they do a lots of domestic tasks and support with the practical stuff. Being a single parent must be so tough. My parents split up in their 60s and it’s very late to find another partner. It’s not impossible but much harder. My Dad is still single in his 70s. He feels cheated out of the time as it was largely my mums fault they split and had it happened sooner he had a better chance of finding love again.

I’d say if you long for that connection and feel that you can’t accept DH how he is then make a plan to leave. Life really is too short. Do you think if he knew you were thinking of leaving he’d change?

@IceLollipop It all sounds very frustrating. You both made the children and it’s very unfair he’s not equally invested in their care. It’s such a difficult decision to make when being alone is tough. I’m not sure which is more lonely but practically having a partner alleviates the pressure of the endless tasks we have as parents 🤷🏻‍♀️. It’s so sad we have to weigh these things up.

@bunhead1979 It sounds like you are doing so much. Such a shame your DH. Can’t help with even medium sized decisions.

@Dialledin I think what adds to my fury is firstly, I am the much higher earner and work longer hours so it all just seems so unfair that I do all the mental load, organisation. and doctors appointments (it was half term this week I don’t think he even knew) and secondly, and probably more importantly, he often he adds to my load with his behaviour (so getting grumpy and stressed, or lying about things, particularly when I point out that it’s unfair he’s not done something or he’s spent money on gaming when he swore he would never go on them again). I have regularly gone “I accept you won’t help, but I just need you to not add to my burden”.

I often wish he would do something “bad” so that I could kick him out, but then I wonder what more he could do (save for physical violence and obviously don’t want that) which would make me to tell him to go - I’ve put up with so much rubbish and crap and not divorced him so why would it change now? As I say, for me I need him around to work and if I don’t do my job I can’t earn the money to keep my middle one in the school he needs. He’s got 8 more years of school and I sometimes think I’ll leave then- but will I? I’ll be 48 and will I just think, “well kids have left that’s stress has gone may as well keep going now”?

@IceLollipop don’t settle! If in 8 years you still feel this way leave. You’ll be young enough to start again. It’s just a shame you can’t do it sooner if it’s really that bad. You deserve to be happy!

Not great, really @Dialledin but thank you for asking.

@Dialledin thank you. I hope I can leave before that, but if not you’re right I could live for another 40 years after that and I don’t want to be tied to him. ( Although My greater fear actually is his health will become a problem relatively soon (5-10 yrs) (he has type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure - neither of which he manages well) and I am sure once the kids head to uni I will quickly end up being.a carer for him.

I had the thoughts about what was best pre divorce, going through it was tough but I feel so much more at peace in myself now. My children are more settled (their thoughts and feelings are validated, they are now heard) and I do have moments of feeling lonely but never have I felt again the extent of isolation and loneliness I felt when I was married. Money is tighter, yet I feel free and richer in so many ways!

@Ledkr Just now seen your posts.

At its most basic, if the traits of your husband have become unliveable with then:-

1. you need to learn to live with them, ie change, or
2. he needs to change (which will completely depend on if he wants to, and if he can) which, if he's willing to in the first place, will probably need specialist marriage counselling for both of you and him genuinely trying to meet you half way, or
3. separation. Which can be done without blame, "letting go with love".

I'm afraid it really can be that stark :(

Having said that, do you think that if the emotional waves of the menopause are past then you might be able to be more tolerant of his difficult traits again? (I reckon the menopause can turn some of us into temporary saw-pawed tigers)

It sounds like you like the core of the person he is, you appreciate his kindness and loveliness, but his traits are driving you crazy.

@Onetwothreefour1234 that’s really positive to hear.

Can I ask did your friends/family support your decision? I think something that makes my decision harder is my husband has an image as being this quiet, a bit of a clown but helpful among family and friends and he’s generally liked (you would struggle to find someone who disliked him - save for my child’s doctors) although he has no close friends. I know I would get lots of disapproval if I left (this is despite me telling my family when I was suicidal last year my DH just moaned to me about how stressful and difficult it was for him (this was literally within 24 hours of me seeing a doctor) and then saying he was on a verge of a breakdown (but then miraculously being able to go to his hobby that evening and not mentioning again) while I literally was on the floor sobbing.

@IceLollipop that sounds dreadful. You must do what’s best for you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. No one can know what happens behind closed doors in a relationship. Look up Cassandra Syndrome. I think it explains a lot about the challenges for a partner of someone who is ASD. I’m so sorry to hear you were so low. Do you have someone you can talk to who can support you?

@DancesWithDucks you are absolutely right. It does come down to these three things. We all need to decide which one applies to our situation and act accordingly. It’s a tough call to make but ultimately it’s important for our long term happiness and mental health.

It really is. Our mental health, and in fact physical, can plummet to the depths in an unhappy marriage. The sad thing is that sometimes someone with autism can genuinely try their best but the behaviour patterns are just not compatible with a NT person in an intimate relationship. And the other way around, I guess.

That’s absolutely awful. And I get it. Realizing you are on your own. My H has done similar, leaving me in the weeks after my c-section to do the fetching and carrying because he can’t as he’s ’holding the baby’. I saw the midwife who visited us at home raise her eyebrows when she saw him do this. She never said anything though. I wish she had. When I was about 7 months pg I was trying to put on waterproof trousers in a place with nowhere to sit. I asked H to stand right in front of me as I did so he could catch me if I started to fall. He did, then wandered off and I fell and he wasn’t there to catch me. When I challenged him on this, he said he’d spotted a picture he wanted to look at.

Its intensely lonely and intensely painful.

@itsfinallyover you shouldn’t have to be I dependent after birth. That’s the time you should be supported by your partner.

@IceLollipop yes it’s a bit mixed if I’m honest with you. My family were supportive and some didn’t understand as my ex husband comes across kind, quiet and a bit of a joker too. But they have been supportive.

his family are slowly starting to talk to me again if we bump into each other in the street for example, but it’s taken a long time to get to that point (3 years). I left, have remained single as I wanted to get myself in a better situation. Mutual friends don’t talk to me, but my ex would happily let them believe whatever they wanted.. if they asked did she do this he would just nod and agree whether it be right or wrong. I said to him once, they have said / they believe this and he just shrugged. When I left he played the suicide card and played every trick / poor me, but I muddled on through and left anyway. So so pleased I did, I can’t say it’s easy but on reflection can only wish I’d done it sooner but the mind games made it very difficult.

@itsfinallyover so sorry you went through this. No one should have to deal with something like this, Just awful

@Dialledin just looked up Cassandra Syndrome and it massively resonated with me. I spent my childhood thinking I was weird and difficult (and that was my role in the family). My DF use to tell me anyone would be mad to marry me because I was such hardwork. He really liked DH (they would go out and socialise - and generally get very drunk).

My DH always writes in my cards that “I make him a better person” (never mentions any other time) and I think “I do”, but also “I’m definitely not my best self with you”. I’m sure my family think I’m just snappy and grumpy as i know that’s how I am a lot of the time:

At Christmas my brother in law (DSis husband) was asking DH if he was seeing his parents. DH was saying no because of his father’s cataract surgery and recovery. This was all rubbish, they were coming Boxing Day - my DH had just not spoken to them, thought about inviting them down and then just made up a pack of lies (the surgery was in September). At the time, I was utterly confused and remember just going, “what they told me they were down Boxing Day”. Cue my DH looking sheepish and going “oh silly me” and me sighing and my sister going “oh dear DH think you are in trouble now” and I want to scream, “hello, the man has clearly just lied to you, also not spoken to his family or even thought about seeing them over Xmas, but I have, and it’s not silly or funny”.

@Onetwothreefour1234 you sound incredibly strong and brave, but I’m glad your family were supportive.

@IceLollipop what!? You DF told you someone would be mad to marry you. That sounds abusive to me. I’m so sorry. Why would a parent make out you’re the weird one. You sound incredibly brave and strong to me. Anyone would be lucky to have you.

I think the Cassandra syndrome is helpful because most other people can’t always see the issues we have from the outside. It’s incredibly lonely when we know our partner is not normal in how they approach emotional stuff. Yet other people think they must be a good partner because they like them. Even nice fun people can be bad partners. People don’t necessarily see this. It affects our self esteem and we get incredibly low. We’re not believed by others and it affects us deeply.

What you say about DH being caught out in a lie and your sister just making a joke of it makes me so angry for you. Your family should be on your side and surely lying is not ok. It all must be so confusing for you.

@Onetwothreefour1234 I’m so pleased for you that you got out and you’re happier now. It must have been tough but you stood your ground and stuck up for yourself.

@YesThis and @itsfinallyover its just horrendous to think such a special time like having a newborn can be made so much more stressful by the very person who should be supporting.

When I had my DS things were pretty good with DH but during my section he chatted the whole way through with the anaesthetist about good dog walking spots. I got no encouragement or support from him. I naively thought it was because he was nervous and worried about the baby. When I had my second I asked for an extra hand hold from a nurse. Yet again he didn’t have two words to say to me while out baby was born. By then I was having a pretty bad time with him. I realised he didn’t understand that I was scared so needed emotional support. The extra hand held made no difference because I needed him. I’d explained before that I’d need him to try and put me at ease. Still nothing. He just chatted to the staff. To be fair to him he was quite good at the practical support after. Apart from letting the house descend into chaos. When I asked him to maybe give the house a quick tidy he said I was playing on the fact I’d had surgery and could do more than I was letting on 😮. I was three weeks pp with an infection and could barely walk.

I just wonder if these intensely emotional situations just bring the worst out in them.

@ResultsMayVary just come across your old post and I could have written it myself. I find I can only break the cycle of behaviour by being v careful what I do and say. It is exhausting and so sad. I hope you’re ok.

@IceLollipop 48 is so young! It’s a brilliant age to start over.

I’m so sorry to hear things are so hard for you. I hope you do manage to get out.

Weirdly, my Dad also told me that if anyone ever wanted to marry me, he would take them aside to tell them what I was really like.