Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Hi I'm hopping on to see if I can save my 16 Yr marriage by finding some kindred souls.
I think the menopause has made me less tolerant of all dh traits which previously I was able to just accept.
He's such a lovely kind person but also totally passive. Lacks motivation and focus. Struggles to maintain mutual conversation, eg. No verbal response to things i say, hoardes stuff which is hard for me as I like tidiness. He's always late for everything, never ready to leave when we doing anything.
Things are getting worse and worse between us and I don't know how to stop the spiral downwards.
Our daughter aged 12 is being assessed for ADHD and I see so many similar behaviours in her.
He has bevr been to the Dr in 16 years. More recently he has some physical symptoms which he should really get checked out. They really affect me such as he wakes up 4 times a night to pee which disturbs me but he'd rather sleep.in the spare room than check things out with GP.
His family are the same and do not address their own health needs untill they are very serious.
Sorry for the ramble but didn't want to just lurk without a bit of transparency.

After the call I brought it up and he still argued his case and said he’s worried I won’t face up to my part in this 😮. The truth is if I’d smiled sweetly and just carried on as I was, he wouldn’t be asking for therapy. He was happy treating me badly and doing what he wants. It makes me so mad because he’s the one not facing up to what he’s done to our relationship

@Dialledin Gosh, this is so my H. He never addresses what he has done, just turns it back on me. And yes, if I were suffering silently H would be perfectly happy. He’s actually said in the past that the problem is that I just need to be happy. No need to examine why I am not, then…,😐

i realised therapy would never work simply because H would never go into it in the spirit of acknowledging his behaviour had played a part in our marriage fail, and wanting to find out what that was, and how to address it.

Hi @Ledkr and welcome to the thread. Have you ever tried couples counselling? I presume he wouldn’t be too open to it if he won’t even see the GP for health concerns. I would say talk to his family and see if they can convince him to see a doctor but if they’re the same that doesn’t sound like an option.

I too am struggling to tolerate my DH more as I'm pretty sure I'm perimenopausal after having two babies in my 40s. My DH will quite often blame hormones if I highlight any wrongdoing on his part. It’s not the hormones, it’s the tolerance levels because of the hormones if that makes sense. It’s still unacceptable behaviour.

i can totally relate to you seeing your DHs behaviour in your daughter. Out 3 year old son has been referred by his nursery for an ASD assessment. If was after this I began to see similar traits in DH and wonder if he’s on the spectrum. I’d not even thought of it before, just thought having young children had put a strain on our relationship.

I do hope there’s a way forward for you and DH sees a doctor.

Much better thanks, I’m surprised! The ice really seems to have helped it heal!

Yes I do imagine what things would be like in a normal relationship. It makes me cry. Recently I picked up my eldest from a sleepover with friends. Whilst there I was watching the interactions of the other couples. I went home and cried and cried at the simple normality of their amicable, normal interactions.

Things are so abnormal here I forget how bad they are, then something will remind me and it really upsets me. I remember a poster on MN saying in passing how her and her H were chatting in the car, and that really struck me. Me and H never do that. People actually wanting to spend time with their spouse takes me aback. I forget that is normal. I often cry when listening to the radio or watching tv and seeing people listening or caring or saying sorry. It’s so beyond what my life is like with H.

@YesThis I’m so sorry it’s like that for you. It’s so unfair. Have you heard of Cassandra syndrome? It’s a state of being the partner of someone on the spectrum can experience. When I read about it, it really made a lot of sense. It’s worth a google.

Have you ever tried counselling? I can’t remember if you said you had or not. Do you think you can stay with him?

It’s so difficult to know what’s for the best. It just doesn’t feel fair that we have to live like this.

@Dialledin thanks for your kind reply. I've never spoken about my frustration before and just writing this post made me feel able to talk to dh!
I said I'd had another disturbed night due to his 3 loo trips in 6 hours. I acknowledged that I am a very light sleeper but that I have tried to address this myself (hrt, sleep meds and exercise) and that maybe he could do the same. He was sympathetic but said that this was why he slept in the spare room most of the time. I pointed out that while this is very kind, I didn't think it was particularly helpful and was making us more distant from one another. Let see if he acts but I doubt it and probably his lack of motivation doesn't help!
One of my annoyances if his bloody greediness. He will eat anything left out and it's so.annoying..last week he ate dds chocolate and I said "thats dds" but he went ahead and ate it. Then later she noticed and obv was pissed off. His reply was that he's an adult and won't be told off !!! Wtf.
Tis hard work.
@YesThis I can also relate to the lack of care. Dh is really kind to me he will bring my pj's down after work and is actually very good at gifts etc.
However the few times I've been I'll in bed or recovering from surgery he seems to forget about me.
I messaged him for a cup of tea and he brought it up eventually but said "how was I meant to know that you were thirsty?" Ffs

I’ll look that up thanks.

Tried one session of couples counselling. Counsellor was not ASD specialist but she was highly recommended by a psychologist I trusted who felt that would not matter.

It was awful. She clearly had no idea what she was dealing with and H just used it to nurture old grievances that made it clear that absolutely nothing I had said in a decade had penetrated at all, and he was just repeating the same old lines. I think I went into some sort of trauma trigger state and just completely lost it.

It made me realize there was no point.

i don’t see how I can stay with him. But leaving has practical barriers. Trying to get a reasonably paid full time job, which would help me to leave, I’ve been trying that for two years ( I’m older and don’t have a career specialism). Sitting down with another job application now!

@Ledkr
H is good at doing the ‘care’ things he has decided he should. He does not do the ‘care’ things I ask him to!

Oh gosh lots of relatable stuff posted lately.

when i got my dh to go to counselling he seemed to have no idea why we were there and went only to make me happy- totally missing the point.

i have regular hospital treatment and dh has absolutely no idea how to look after me or acknowledge my condition. When i see other peoples partners at the hospital giving then lifts, bringing them fresh clothes, chatting to them and maybe bringing flowers or sweets i just feel so sad. It has had me have absolutely no patience or sympathy when he has any (very dramatic) illness.

@bunhead1979 I broke my leg on Christmas day (years ago) DW went to bed from Boxing day till the DCs went back to school.

I had a major back surgery and DW insisted on driving in the inside lane of the motorway which was massively rutted by HGVs and refused to speed up in to the middle lane.

Lots of us experiencing very similar and with partners who won’t accept any portion of blame. With the counselling the focus should be why he is deflecting onto you- so when you mention his untidiness and he hits back at yours the real issue is him not taking responsibility for his actions but deflecting into talking about you..
this happens with us all the time and when we went to counselling he did this beautifully and we would end up talking about me! I would keep saying he’s deflecting but it never got me anywhere it was so frustrating

with partners who won’t accept any portion of blame

This is the core thing that ruins relationships. If there were a willingness to admit some responsibility for how things were, then there would be an openness to learning strategies to minimize the impact of all the other stuff.

But the unwillingness to accept responsibility means, from their perspective, there’s no need for them to put the work in to change anything. Worse, it also means they put all the blame onto you. And the injustice of that I find utterly dementing. (My H congratulated himself on his sense of justice, which makes it worse when there’s none for me from him)

I can't even bring myself to think about the lack of care 😢

With my first baby I had a failed ventouse followed by no anaesthetic forceps delivery.

It was absolutely horrendous and I was shellshocked.

It was about 9pm when the medical side of things finished and the staff left us alone. They brought sandwiches in for me but I could not reach them (couldn't move) and when I asked DH for help he said he couldn't because he was holding the baby.

So he didn't help and I didn't eat (had been about 36 hours since I'd eaten at this point).

Next morning I waited for him to come, I was not allowed to take the baby into the dining room and I was traumatised and terrified of leaving her alone on the ward.

All the other partners were in first thing.

H arrived about 11.30 and said 'sorry I'm late that was hard to watch last night so I drank a bottle of wine and passed out, then I had to walk the dog'.

I don't think I've ever felt lonelier in my life. I am very, very independent but it's hard to be independent in a scenario where you can't walk and you've spent all night alone trying to comfort a newborn who's head has been mangled.

@Ledkr it’s so difficult when they look at things like sleeping together in a practical way. My DH is like this and I’m a light sleeper. He doesn’t seem to care that we’re sleeping apart or get that it might not be great for the relationship.

I think it’s great your DH is good when th gifts. Such a shame he finds taking care of you hard. Do you think it’s because it’s more emotionally led than gift giving I.e. helping your recovery as opposed to a gift on a particular date for an occasion.

@YesThis I’m not surprised it was traumatic if the 3rd party who is there to support both of you wasn’t being very supportive.

Have you had counselling just for you? I can imagine living with this situation has led to lots of trauma. It sounds like you’re a really strong person. It’s hard starting again and you’re getting your ducks in a row. I really hope you get a great new job and it gives you a boost. Leaving is hard but ultimately it sounds like you’ve made your mind up.

@bunhead1979 I’m so sorry he’s not more supportive. It’s so horrible. I can imagine my DH would be similar,

@Daftasabroom that all sounds really stressful. I think it’s the avoidance that drives me crazy. Here is a human being in front of them needed help and they run away.

@YesThis its horrible isn’t it that sense of injustice. Awful as well when professionals like councillors enable them.

@itsfinallyover I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s monstrous to not help your partner who’s just had a baby eat. Not normal at all to worry more about himself and get selfishly drunk and come in late because of it 😮. My DH has let me down but that is awful.

Thanks Dialledin, that was almost 16 years ago and I have never in my life spoken or written about it until now.

I really appreciate your response.

@itsfinallyover does it help to talk about it? I know it’s a long time ago but these things can go unresolved. Having a baby is hard enough without having a partner making it even more traumatic. I’m sorry you had such a difficult birth too. I can’t imagine the pain you must have been in. You’re an absolute warrior.

Does anyone find that their DH has used children to block emotional led conversations. I just had a bit of a rough time with my toddler. Normal two year old behaviour but I deal with most of it so it gets frustrating. I left the room and spoke to DH about this and had got a little tearful. He completely ignored what I was saying. So I got frustrated and said I’m upset and you’re not responding. He then said he didn’t really know what to say and that I’m now attacking him. Then he went and got the toddler and put her on my lap. So not only was I now upset, I had to deal with the source of the upset so he then got ready and went out for a run. He had no reassuring words or nice things to say. I just don’t know if I can deal with this much longer. I’m getting incredibly low. I’m sure he’ll blame hormones or say I’m being mean to him.

@Dialledin I'm sorry you're living like this. It is so incredibly hard to be met with indifference or frustration or blame at the very moment you need a hug and someone to acknowledge that you're finding it hard.

I don't have any advice on how to handle individual situations (or the global situation actually ) but I know exactly how you feel. At some point I just stopped looking for any support from DH, which has bred resentment and obliterated trust and intimacy. I slip up sometimes and ask for support and feel totally abandoned each time it happens. My oldest DC is 13.

@HappyAsASandboy thank you for your kind message. It’s so hard isn’t it. We’re human beings with emotional needs. To not have those met is incredibly hard. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this too. Sometimes I think it would be better to just get my ducks in a row and get out.

I am working with a counsellor at the moment and we're about to move on to looking at ILOC and ELOC (internal/external locus of control). I think this is because I have talked about feeling cripplingly let down when I ask for emotional support.

I totally get that I need to be able to support myself and not look to others to do so, and I've become incredibly skilled at it over the last 20 years! But there are times when something hits you (complicated birth, miscarriage, SEN kids, redundancy - not small things!) and you turn to a close adult for support. Thats what humans do, right?! It is when DH isn't able to give me any support in those situations that I feel alone, abandoned and unloved.

I can get support from my friends and (some of!) my family, and I do. But I end up wondering what my DH brings to the marriage when I can't lean on him when it's rough. He pulls his weight domestically (now), parents the kids ok when I'm not around, works hard and brings in a good salary. But he could do those things as a co-parent and a friend. I am grieving for the partner I thought I was marrying - someone who would hug me when I need a hug, comfort me when I am sad, make me feel like he would always be there if I need him.

I don't know whether I'm supposed to count my blessings that he's good domestically and manage my "alone" feelings myself, or whether it would feel less "alone" if we separated. And I have no idea how he feels about it all.