Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

@tutttutt my DH isn’t very creative either and has some issues in that department. I think if I was further along post partum I’d find it hard. I’m not sure how it’ll be when we reach that stage. I just have always needed a strong emotional connection to get physical. Even with his issues it was fine when things were good emotionally. Now all I can focus on on are his issues and I just can’t be bothered because I think it’ll make me feel worse.

Random one but tonight I had said to dh that I feel I have to tell hi. To do everything. He said like what and I gave the example of yesterday I came home at 3pm and found all the house with blinds drawn and curtains drawn In the living room etc. I then made the house light.
he said why would he open them as he wasn’t in that room? He was In the room next to the living room.
even though he used the kitchen he didn’t open the blind he just put the light on.
he could not see why I had used that as an example. Why would he open them?
the house was dark apart from his office. I don’t understand why he would t.. but couldn’t find my reasons why

My partner is ADHD/likely also autistic. I’m ND too - ADHD. What is interesting from this thread is my DP behaves in so many ways described here and I just…don’t. He gets to have all the meltdowns and woe-is-me and to only talk about himself and his stuff. I listen and piece him back together and use my experiences to empathise with his struggles and those of our ND kids. He shows his love by fixing things in the house and buying me things he’s decided that I need but seems to have no idea what is going on in my life. And we have the same diagnosis. I honestly wonder if a lot the behaviour we talk about on this thread is just male exceptionalism.

I don't think it is, some of the partners, admittedly a minority, are women.

@organictomatoes I’ve heard that women can mask more than men. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this difficult situation. I can imagine it’s tough when you’re ND and more in control yet your partner isn’t.

This is my experience too, DH and I have similar issues but I've done a lot of learning and self development to help deal with it all better and minimise the impact on others around me, internalise a lot of my struggles, whereas my husband just gets to be. It does make me angry and frustrated. But also it is nice to be able to give my ND kids the tools and strategies to hopefully make their own lives better. I'm not saying they need to "not be who they are" but have a bit of self awareness and be able to consider how others feel. If I behaved as my husband does, I'd be considered an awful wife and mother, but everyone thinks my DH is a great guy cause he is quite funny and has a good job. Also I think I would be able to cope a LOT better with less responsibility, so I work FT and run the house and kids lives all myself, if I had more space to decompress and be "off" my mental health and ability to cope would be much better, DH has only his job to consider and has all his home life looked after for him yet finds that too much. The imbalance seems very unfair to me.

Totally relate to this one.

I've never forgotten one Easter holiday and (highly unusual for us) I was working and he had time off to look after the DC. In the middle of the night we were woken up by a crashing sound we couldn't find the source of.

Anyway, when I got home about 6 after a day of DH being oh the house with the kids he said to me "hey, come and have a look at this" there was a large glass framed family photo that had slipped off the mantle in the lounge, DH says "this is what made that crashing noise last night".

And I just remember looking at it and thonkinh "this has been lying here, on the floor all day, and youve just walked around it and sat next to it without the thought occurring to you that you should pick it up and put it back?"

This is very relatable! DH cleared his wardrobe out a few months ago and left a big bag of things in the bedroom (in the way of the door). The other day we were in the bedroom and he said "Oh I keep meaning to say to you that bag is to go in the bin" and I was absolutely flabbergasted. I mean just lift the thing and put it in the bin/take to recycling whatever, it doesn't need to be presented to me or discussed. Same with everything really, no thought that other people might want to live in the house and enjoy the space, despite he is the one who is here the least he takes up the most space with all the stuff just left about.

He’s completely shot down my idea. He takes it as a personal attack that what we’re doing isn’t working

@Dialledin Yup, this is my H exactly to a tea. Rebuts everything I say, everything is an attack on him and needs rebutting. I can stand there and say, ‘I am saying this to help, I am saying this to make things better’ till I am blue in the face. All I get back, ‘is no you aren’t you are being horrible’. It’s as if, if it’s not praise, it’s a criticism.

He always says he walks on egg shells waiting for the next heavy conversation. Actually I’m the one walking on egg shells feeling I can’t talk to him about anything

And this! Our husbands are clearly the same type! He says exactly this! I have got to the stage of just avoiding talking to him. We have a couple of ‘safe’ topics we agree on and can chat amicably about but I avoid everything else, and dread it when I have to raise things, such as stuff I need him to do ( which I will have to remind him repeatedly about), as I am then ‘nagging’ and ‘having a go’.

And yes this too!

it’s always turned into an attack on me!

The other week H really upset DS1 and I felt I had to speak to DH about what had happened. Unusually, H did initially seem to feel sad that he had upset DS, but then he immediately moved to his normal two stage process. So first stage - denial he’s done anything wrong. So he was like,’ No I never meant that, I meant this’. So having convinced himself he got nothing wrong ( hence no need for a learning curve so this behaviour will repeat) he moves onto to attacking me, ‘ You never let me say anything, I can’t say anything!’ So me helping him to improve his knowledge of how to communicate becomes ‘me never letting him say anything’. So in two simple steps he has moved from DS being the victim, to himself being the victim of me. It ALWAYS has to come back to him. He can NEVER keep his focus on anyone else.

but there's been no partnership, no support, no connection, no teamwork

And this.

And what people said about all the ‘woe is me’ stuff.

And there’s just so much here that is my H to a tea. On one hand it’s nice to know I am not alone, on the other it’s really depressing. I know it anyway, but it really brings home he’ll never, ever change. I suppose I knew this. He has no insight. He repeats patterns of behaviour over and over and has no insight into the fact he does this.

Oh and yes to constantly asking questions. I go to the same stuff each week, and every time he asks me when I’ll be back. The same as always! I’ll be back the same time as always!

@YesThis@Forgoodnesssakemeagain@Dialledin you are not alone. I think I'm married to one of your DHs sister.

Contra Suggestive - tick
Never at fault - tick
Blind to mess and general carnage - tick
Hates big chats - tick
Oblivious to any kind of attempts to have little chats, so very taken aback by big chat - tick
Eggshells - tick

The problem is I question myself all the time! Is it unreasonable for me to think it’s a bit off not to open the blinds / curtains all day or is he right in that as he was only walking through those rooms and not in them why did it matter..

Just in case you really do need reminding of what's normal (and I totally get that you might!) ...

It is normal to open the curtains/blinds of rooms you enter during the day, even if you're not staying there long. The rooms benefit from sunlight and the people living in (or even just walking through!) benefit from the sunlight.

There's a reason people wonder if someone has died if the curtains don't move for a few days ....

Thank you and yes I do need reminding as he had a logical answer for everything. Everything I say had a solid reason and leaves me questioning all.

That's the problem though, often they have their reason for doing (or not doing) something, and yes, it might be a logical reason. But you also have your reasons for doing the opposite, but they literally cannot compute that there can be two ways of doing something or two answers to the same question. It's like they learned their way, and there just is not any other way which is acceptable. ANYTHING other than their way is wrong. Even if it's the way that half the world does things.

It's incredibly frustrating. And if you do the opposite to the way that they think it should be done, they look at you as though you have taken leave of your senses, even if it demonstrably works, and sometimes better.

So we had our initial therapy consultation. The therapist seems really good. DH just sat there looking like it was the most painful experience of his life. When asked what he wanted out of the therapy he said he wanted me to be happy with the relationship and us not have to keep going over it all. He also said he thinks our differences are he just gets on with life and I just dwell on every little thing that happens. Never mind the fact he’s not treated me very well. I guess I should just be putting up with it then. I’m not sure how it’s going to go. I’m worried he’ll just deny deny deny and not take responsibility for any of it.

I think this is good advice @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy.

Have real conversations with the dcs about how it is, how their dad is, how it makes them feel. Leave off the "oh he loves you" stuff because it's at best unhelpful. Your job is to support them through their realisation that their dad isn't the one they'd hoped for: to help them identify any points of connection at all with him and you support them.in their interactions with him. Your relationship with them can only be stronger for this.

He also said he thinks our differences are he just gets on with life and I just dwell on every little thing that happens. Never mind the fact he’s not treated me very well. I guess I should just be putting up with it then

God, this is like my H. He has no idea he is not treating me well, because he can only see himself and his perspective. So yes, he does think I should just get on with things.

He also thinks I ‘never let things go’ because he can have a massive tantrum and once he’s calmed down he’ll just continue like nothing has happened at all, and any expression of upset from me is me ‘ not moving on and not letting things go’.

Also an absolute classic from H last night. I fell whilst out last night and my hand was really swollen and bruised. I stand in the kitchen for 15 mins holding a bag of frozen peas on it. H comes in to cook himself some food and he’s ‘chatting’ asking me questions about ‘where are the advocados,’ ‘what did cook in the frying pan’ and so on. Not once does he ask me why I am standing there, in our small kitchen’ holding frozen peas on my hand. Just entirely focused on him and his meal. I only existed as a source of info to facilitate making his meal.

I find this so helpful. Thank you. Rather than me constantly ‘jollying things along’, I’m letting the kids see things for themselves. We also talk about the differences. I have felt that talking openly about it is strengthening our relationship (me and kids). Reassuring that @colouringindoors (and others on this lifesaving thread) do the same.

@YesThis they do sound quite similar. It’s horrible isn’t it to have to filter conversations. We had our initial therapy chat last night and she said in a healthy relationship nothing should be off topic.

I brought but DHs disordered thinking and in particular how messy he is. He immediately got defensive and said I’m as bad as him 😮. He said I leave the coffee machine in a state every morning and I don’t do anything about that. I woke up feeling really upset. I’m not sure how he can’t see how his messiness is whole new level. We’ve had so many near misses with dangerous things he’s left out near the kids. It’s not uncommon for our toddler to run in clutching a screwdriver he’s left out. They’ve drank antibacterial spray, eaten out of date food he’s left out. I just don’t understand how he can say we’re on a similar level. I’m just a bit messy, he crosses boundaries of what’s acceptable. After the call I brought it up and he still argued his case and said he’s worried I won’t face up to my part in this 😮. The truth is if I’d smiled sweetly and just carried on as I was, he wouldn’t be asking for therapy. He was happy treating me badly and doing what he wants. It makes me so mad because he’s the one not facing up to what he’s done to our relationship.

@YesThis how is your hand? I’m so sorry he didn’t show any interest or care in what happened. Do you ever imagine how other couples would be in the same situation? I sometimes imagine what it would be like to get the attention I need and it makes me feel really bitter. I try not to go there but sometimes my mind wanders.

I brought but DHs disordered thinking and in particular how messy he is. He immediately got defensive and said I’m as bad as him 😮. He said I leave the coffee machine in a state every morning and I don’t do anything about that. I woke up feeling really upset. I’m not sure how he can’t see how his messiness is whole new level. We’ve had so many near misses with dangerous things he’s left out near the kids. It’s not uncommon for our toddler to run in clutching a screwdriver he’s left out. They’ve drank antibacterial spray, eaten out of date food he’s left out. I just don’t understand how he can say we’re on a similar level.

Gosh I could have written this myself. When our DC were young there was always a diy project happening. (Often when we had supposedly discussed and I'd specifically said i dont want to start a new prohect at the moment) When engrossed in a project, DH seems literally unaware that normal life is still happening. That we might need to do laundry, have clear spaces to make food, places to play/relax etc I was a SAHM so obviously my job to keep the DC safe but the number of times it was made harder by tools/hazards left within their reach.(Hammers, Stanley knives, nails, leaning a door up against a wall etc etc) If ever I look back and say it was really hard parenting esp when DS was a toddler, DH will insist it wasn't that bad. It wasn't for him because he wasn't doing 99% of the active parenting, but he absolutely wouldn't acknowledge that by being at work long hours, then spending most free time doing projects then leaving tools all over the place it was hard for me.

Everyday he gets undressed and the clothes stay on the floor where he took them off. If he goes for a run in the morning, that will be one set of clothes, then he might put jeans and a top on, and then later swap to joggers there could be 8 or 10 item of clothes plus dirty socks etc by the end of a day. If I point this out he gets really defensive and desperately looks for something I might have left on the floor (my bag, my shoes,a sock that accidentally fell on the floor etc) . Then, every few days, usually after i have just put the washing machine on, he will sort out the clothes, and dump in the empty laundry basket.

@Sweetandsaltycaroline its so frustrating isn’t it!? I admit I’m not the tidiest but he takes it dangerous levels. My DH runs too and I totally relate to the sheer amount of dirty laundry on the floor. Also his attempts to vilify me for the slightest mess. The therapist said we shouldn’t be comparing who’s the messiest but I’m not sure how else to describe it.

My DH has a habit of clearing out bad food from the fridge but instead of binning it just leaves it on the side to rot some more. This is how our toddler got hold of three week old pizza and ate some. I was furious about that and all he say was that I’d left a sock on the living room floor. I’m not sure the two things are in the same ballpark.