Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

The gifts in themselves aren't really the issues for us all I'm guessing. I think they are the tip of the iceberg in a long line of disappointments. Sad as our partners are generally nice people, they just can't do relationships in our sense of the word.

Agree, nothing to do with the flowers. Dh also insists that on birthdays the birthday person has to pick a restaurant. I always just went along with it, not realising that again this was the easy option for dh. The last couple of years I have said I don't mind really or I'm not fussed. Does dh then make the decision and book a lovely restaurant. Of course not, we don't go anywhere because I couldn't pick somewhere 😕

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy thats really sad that it takes so much effort for him to pick something you’ll like.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy yotally get what you’re saying about generic flowers. Mine were definitely that. He’s taken me out the night before for our anniversary however we were supposed to have a date night months ago but it was cancelled due to childcare so he owed me one anyway. I guess that’s why he scrimped on the flowers. All in all it just makes me feel like he doesn’t think I deserve to be spoiled. I equate it with not being loved. Sometimes I worry I’m the one with the problem and that I expect too much.

@tutttutt its baffling isn’t it!? Maybe it’s to avoid the emotional response I.e. the joy when you receive them. I’ve wondered this with DH whether me being happy or excited about something is too intense for him.

@Joy69 this is the thing. I agree it’s a symptom of a bigger problem. They just don’t understand our needs.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy they just want an easy life don’t they? My DH has definitely got worse. He’d quite often pick restaurants he wanted in the early days but he’d try to plan things I liked as well. Now I have to tell him exactly what I want or we do nothing. It’s so frustrating.

I'm really struggling with how to accept dh's complete and utterly lacking relationship with dc's.
I know as adult partners we all cope/accept/tolerate/deny/excuse our other half's 'ways'.
How do I help my kids though?
As a partner we always have the option of leaving, walking away and never seeing them again. Our children don't really have that option. They have one father, for life.
My 18 & 16 year olds have been verbalising over the last few months how they feel about their dad's indifference and lack of interest in them. My dd told me to stop saying " ....but you know he loves you, right?" Obviously my default.
He is superficially interested in them. If he calls (he works away for weeks at a time) he'll ask me how they are but never call them directly. Sometimes he can be home for a week before he has any type of dialogue with them. That's more them initiating than him. He barely raises his head from his ipad. I genuinely don't think he knows much about them, what's going on in their lives and I honestly don't think he cares. The kids realise this too and it breaks my heart.
The kids seem to have just accepted that their dad is just a person who lives in our house periodically who we have to be nice to until he leaves again.
My daughter said it perfectly.
We three are a triangle, when dad's around he's a square trying unsuccessfully to fit in.

In my relationship I have realised its because I don't exist to him outside a feeling he has.

Unlike some of your H's, mine was very affectionate and loving. I mistook this for him knowing and caring who I was as a person. I thought he was gaining knowledge about me though our relationship. But he wasn't. He just enjoyed the act of being in love.

I have realised though that I am not a person to him.. That I am a person with thoughts and feelings and desires and ambitions of my own, is not something he can really comprehend. I exist entirely in terms of what I bring to him and how he feels about me. He hasn't even got any insight that he is like this. How can he?

He doesn't hold me in mind at all. I don't actually exist as a person in my own right to him.

He has extremely limited 'mindsight' about other people.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy it’s just so sad your DH can’t connect with your kids. No advice as such. I really don’t know how you could make the situation better. He’s got to want it too. I really feel for you and kids. I do hope he has some revelation and things change.

@YesThis my DH was very much like this too in the beginning. He majorly love bombed me. When we got married I thought I was marrying my best friend. It’s so hard to accept then for who they really are when you’ve seen that side of him.

It’s horrible when you think about it in terms of our human need to be loved. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s such a tough one.

I’ve just had another argument with DH. Our toddler is a nightmare getting to bed so we don’t really have evenings together. By the time she’s down I’m exhausted and go to bed. It also means getting childcare in the evenings is difficult so we don’t often go out. I’ve just come up with a solution which would solve the problem. He’s completely shot down my idea. He takes it as a personal attack that what we’re doing isn’t working. Also why am I talking to him about this when he’s tired. He says I’m ungrateful for the life we have and want to live like my friends who are swanning off for weekends away even though they have young children. He also brought up the fact he took me out for dinner on Tuesday and I’m already complaining.

I don't know why I’m so surprised. He’s so inflexible and it’s difficult to talk to him about anything. He always takes it as a personal attack. In this case it’s a joint problem we face as parents. Of course it’s tough not having our evenings. For me because I’m a SAHM I’m with my child from 6 in the morning until 10 at night. He can’t understand the impact of this.

Its times like this I honestly don’t see a future with him. How is it sustainable to not be able to talk to him about any problems. Surely as a couple you work together to make life better for you both and the kids. He always says he walks on egg shells waiting for the next heavy conversation. Actually I’m the one walking on egg shells feeling I can’t talk to him about anything. I’ve actually wondered if it would be better to avoid talking to him about anything and just avoid him. Not much of a marriage but at least I wouldn’t feel like this.

The personal attack. Yes this all the time when I try to say things and it’s always followed by well you did this and you did that.. deflecting onto me.

Some things that my DH does seem really selfish, but sometimes I feel like he's really unaware of anything/anyone else even existing! Not that he's not considering mine/someone else's feelings more that he's just thinking of one thing in isolation.

One day a week after work he religiously gets home early to do his sport. This is literally a ritual of about 15 years. It can't be changed for birthdays, anniversary, special occasions etc because it would be awkward for numbers for the other players . He sometimes does an extra session to sub in for someone who can't make their slot ...so swapping is quite possible....but he would have to say in advance that he couldn't play that day!

Last year DD won a award at school and the ceremony was on that day of the week so of course he didnt attend. (Its the only award shes won in 5 years at that school) He made it seem that he was quite sad that he "couldnt" come ...when if he had said in advance his team mates could likely have found a replacement.

We do different hobbies on other days, he needs reminders every week about them if required to drop off or collect

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain its driving me crazy honestly. I can feel myself starting to shut down with him. I just want some peace from it. We have our therapy tomorrow and I’m dreading it. What’s also tough is he’s horrible to me and then is Dad of the Year to the kids. Obviously I’m grateful he is a good Dad but he rubs my face in it after we have any kind of argument by being extra loving and attentive to the kids.

@Sweetandsaltycaroline thats such a shame he doesn’t have that awareness. Your poor daughter as well not having him there. My DH is regimented with his hobby and routine too. Luckily his hobby is on a weekend so shouldn’t interfere with school stuff. It interferes a lot with my time as I obviously have the kids on my own and they’re still quite young. To be honest the whole weekend is a right off when he has his hobby. He’s oblivious to how it affects us.

@Dialledin I eventually stopped raising anything. In the early parent days I still thought we were in it together and would work things out together, but I was shut down every time I tried to talk about how we might approach something. Being shut down hurt, so I stopped trying to discuss anything.

We've spent the last 10+ years not discussing anything much. He has done work plus (significant) DIY; I have done work, raising children and majority housework. It's worked on a transactional level; in fact we've achieved a heck of a lot, but there's been no partnership, no support, no connection, no teamwork.

I hope your therapy helps you be able to discuss things and work together. If it doesn't, my advice would be not to stay until you reach my level of resentment for the lack of "joint" stuff.

I'm sorry, I relate so hard to this. It's a big part (the main part?) of why my H and I have separated and are now divorcing.

My daughters are 13 and 15 now and I think they're honestly happier without the cognitive dissonance of having to pretend that all was well.

Best piece of advice I can give is that you don't have to pretend or paper over the cracks. It's better to help them deal with the emotional fallout of realising that their Dad doesn't love them in the way they wish he would (which doesn't mean he doesn't love them AT ALL).

Support them to cope with that rather than practising toxic positivity to cover it up.

It's easy for me to say now that I am separated from H. It was impossible when we were together and all of the parenting advice was about presenting a united front.

@HappyAsASandboy thank you for the advice. It’s so hard isn’t it when you just want that connection. I’m so sorry you’ve not been able to have that. It’s such an achievement for you to still build a life but so sad the way it’s happened.

I just don’t think I can go much further without some major changes. I feel sick to my stomach after our conversation tonight. All I was doing was suggesting something I know will help. He’s so adverse to change he won’t even entertain it. It’s so disappointing!

@Dialledin i am sorry your having such a rough time. I have been in a similar situation and I think I shut down a long time ago if I’m honest.

I almost wished for him to have an affair or do something really bad to make me have a ‘real reason’ to split. It’s crazy isn’t it.

I have divorced now and I felt guilty for a while but he is still the victim, it’s all still the same. He didn’t attend an open evening for our son 3 weeks ago because it was supermarket night! It’s still affecting the children, but now they can see this is his behaviour and not our normal. It’s so very frustrating

@Onetwothreefour1234 I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. I’m so glad to hear you got away and started a new life for you and the kids. Awful his shopping night was more important.

I think the counselling is make or break for us honestly. If I’m still not getting anywhere after a few sessions I’ll start making plans to leave. It’s absolutely heartbreaking but I can’t live like this. I’m hoping involving a third party will help him see the impact on me.

Thanks @itsfinallyover
I didn't even realise that I was constantly 'covering ' for dh. Always reassuring the kids that he loved them.
The last 6 months or so have been really therapeutic for me and the kids. We are actually talking about how we feel about things. I am starting to let go of some of the overwhelming guilt I feel about them not having the father they deserve.
Them being able to express their sadness and disappointment in him, being reassured that it is absolutely nothing they have ever done.
Just knowing that the unspoken has now be shared has been such a release for us.

Christ I know. Sometimes when I get really passionate it freaks him out. And he likes sex. Really likes it but big passion freaks him the fuck out

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy it’s so good to hear you’ve reached a good place. Your girls are so lucky to have you.

@tutttutt good to hear you’re able to have an intimate side to the relationship in some form. I’ve not really felt right about it since our connection started to break down. We also have very young children so little opportunity. I sometimes wonder if he’d be better if I could be intimate with him. I just feel so angry about how he’s become so I can’t seem to bring myself to. I’m hoping the therapy will help us to connect on some level and it’ll come back.

Yeah. But he's not very creative shall we put it. I'm very physical so I couldn't remain in the relationship without a decent physical side even if it is a little routine