Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

@BlueTick thank you for your input. Obviously it’s not good but you only have a snapshot of the full picture. You’re right he has displayed disrespectful behaviour. However we have two very small children. The youngest is not a good sleeper. We’re both exhausted. If DH is ASD/ADHD it’s probably quite hard for him to manage it at the moment.

He does have redeeming qualities. He’s a great Dad. He does as much cooking, washing and childcare as he can so I don’t have to. His love language is definitely acts of service so although my emotional needs are not being met, he is trying to show he cares in his way. If I ask him to do something for me he does it no question. He can be romantic, attentive and supportive but just finds those things a lot harder these days. For the first few years of our marriage he was amazing.

I just don’t think leaving when we have such a young family is a good idea. We get very little time together alone and it’s quite stressful. If this behaviour continues once my youngest goes to nursery and we have a bit more time then of course I will have to leave.

We’re starting couples counselling this week so I think I’ll know a bit more regarding the future then. I wonder if he needs a third party to get involved to understand how bad it is and the impact on me. I’m hoping he can make some big changes and I can forgive him.

Thanks for the arthritis advice but it’s Osteo not Rheumatoid. I’m doing all I can to manage it and it doesn’t limit me too much really.

Just be careful on the counselling. A few of us have had awful times with this as the counselling we chose did not understand asd so it made things worse…
im struggling with dh connecting his actions to how I am feeling. He doesn’t seem to get that the way he has behaved has affected me. Thinks when I react I’m over reacting oR moaning etc and deflects if I try and approach something I always get “well you do xyz…” I just want him to take responsibility for his actions (told him so many times I am not blaming him) and work on solutions.. but this can’t happen when he can’t see what he has done

@Dialledin just a word of warning.

When my dcs were little, I contemplating divorce but didn’t go ahead because A, B and C. Ut if things were still bad when at such time, then I’d leave.
Then dcs were at primary school but I needed to have my business steady.
Then it was something else.
And now, both dcs are at Uni, we’re still married and I’m still in a shit place to be able to leave.

It’s very easy to get used to be treated like crap.
I think it’s even worse when you are under pressure and living in fight or fly all the time.

I 100% agree with this. After my experience I would never again go near a counsellor who was not a specialist in ASD. The counsellor I went to, though highly recommended, had no idea what she was dealing with and absolutely made things worse. It was awful, absolutely awful.

People with ASD have a genuine 'impairment' , for want of a better word, and you need someone who understands that. Normal approaches to relationship counselling just won't work and are likely to make things worse.

If I wanted therapy just for me, to talk about H, I also would not go to a counsellor who was not specialised in ASD. I've had bad experiences of that too. People just don't get it. They just don't.

I also agree with this. I wish I had got myself in a place to leave sooner. A turn of events means its not likely to be possible now, and I now desperately wish I had done so before.

I also agree that you get used to how bad things are. Every now and then I get a little glimpse into the normality other people live with and I cry to realise what is so impossible for me with H, is just unremarkable normality for others.

If I wanted therapy just for me, to talk about H, I also would not go to a counsellor who was not specialised in ASD. I've had bad experiences of that too. People just don't get it. They just don't.

Yep.
The worse thing was that said counsellor thought they knew all about autism and ‘they had no issue working with autistic clients so they clearly knew what they were on about’.

Unexpected visit from H at the weekend in which he said he'd been thinking about it and he realised it wouldn't be fair to split the house 50//50 because I have full residence of the kids and am self employed on Universal Credit and he earns well into 6 figures.

I had already worked that out anyway and was trying to think about how I could explain that to him without prompting a victim outburst.

So it was actually really nice that - 3 months after separating - he's been able to think of someone other than himself first.

At a push I might be able to get a 3 bed for me and the kids with little or (if a miracle happens) no mortgage and he's still have about 100k for a deposit to start again.

Fingers crossed.

If we can make that happen I can see a life for me on the other side of this divorce.

He also admitted

"I've realised I can't live with another person."

Shame he only realised that after an almost 20 year relationship and two children, but at least he's honest.

Good job our children have me, as well, as where would that leave them if I wasn't about?

@itsfinallyover thats a really good news!
Hopefully, he’ll keep that stance until everything is finalised.

Have you had the opportunity to talk about CM or is that pushing it too far?

@itsfinallyover I'm glad to hear he’s finally thinking of you albeit it very late in the game. I’m hoping this leads to you getting what you need to start a new life.

Thanks everyone for the warning about counselling. I’m going to take it very slowly and carefully. If it feels like it’s making matters worse I’ll stop. She is an ASD specialist and comes highly recommended.

I will not stay beyond the children being very young if things don’t improve. My parents divorced late in life after many years of staying together for their children and I wouldn’t let that happen.

If they are asd specialist then that’s promising. I went for my counselling as the website said under specialism asd. However within 5 mins of meeting dh she declared she didnt think dh was autistic and then finally I got to the bottom of her experience with asd and it was her dh was autistic and they had divorced..
to be honest I felt during the counselling it may be her who was asd as she always agreed with dh and seemed to think really like him 🙈

Just stumbled onto that account and thought it might be helpful.
Its a lady who is explaining what being autistic means for her
good how disregulation feels like or why PDA etc…

I found it quite helpful so here it is.
TikTok autistic guide

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain Id have been furious if that was me. They shouldn’t say they’re a specialist if they’re not. Being ASD themselves does bot help matters if they will side with one person.

DH took me out last night for a meal for our anniversary. It was generally lovely. I could see how hard he was trying. At one point we were asked if we wanted more drinks and he answered for both of us because he didn’t want another drink. Other than that it was good. I think he’s been spooked by me arranging the therapy so I guess we’ll see how Friday goes.

Is there anyone on this thread who had a positive experience with therapy? Also anyone feeling there have been improvements in the relationship over time. I’m trying to be positive and optimistic about our situation. My friend and her partner are NT though had some major problems. The therapist we’re seeing saved their marriage. I appreciate there may be different challenges for me and DH relating to ND but I want to try to make this work if we can.

DH has been telling anyone who'll listen he's making me a special valentines meal tonight. As I did the weekly shop and have noticed no new food in the fridge, as I suspected it had got no further than being an idea in his head. He has just been to the supermarket and they didn't have what he planned, so has bought something else (that I would never have chosen, and dont esp like)

I want to be grateful that he's cooking a meal (I will get the pleasure of cleaning, tidying and washing up afterwards) but it's just a bit frustrating that he can't think even a day in advance....but this is not new....

Valentine’s Day not even been mentioned in our house today …

Forgoodnesssakemeagain I know that feeling. Not so bothered about Valentine's, but an acknowledgement for my birthday a few days ago would have been nice. Seriously thinking of calling it a day. Feeling very low & unappreciated atm. It makes it worse when he acknowledges that he's a crap boyfriend. I'm beginning to think that some of his behaviours aren't linked to autism & that actually he is quite selfish & uses it as an excuse

@Joy69 in so sorry your partner didn’t acknowledge your birthday. I think that’s awful and I don’t think his ASD would stop him from least getting you a card and a gift. Have you spoken to him about it?

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain i don’t know how anyone could not realise the date as it’s everywhere. Has he ever done anything for it or is this new?

@Sweetandsaltycaroline it sounds like such a difficult one because he’s tried to do something but it’s not something you like and you’ll have to clear up. Did he make food he likes by any chance?

My DH got me some flowers. He told me how much he likes bright flowers so he got me a multicoloured bunch. I’m trying to be grateful but he knows how much I love lily’s and even roses despite them being a bit stereotypical. The truth is they were the only ones he could get on the way home late in the day when he remembered and he liked them so they must be ok. Don’t get me wrong it’s lovely he did something. I got him a few really thoughtful gifts. It’s also our anniversary this week so we generally celebrate as a combined thing. I guess it’s the lack of thought that bothers me. Everything harks back to what he wants and what he likes.

Dh and I stopped gift giving years ago. Last minute flowers from the gas station was more disappointing than getting nothing.
Until this year. My mum was visiting, coincidentally over my birthday. Dh started on about what to buy me. I kept saying nothing as he doesn't usually. He went on and on until I wrote a list of things I would like, saying to just pick something ( basically to shut him up)
Mum jokingly asked him the day before if he had bought me something nice. His reply "Well I had to. She wrote a list"🤬

I try so hard to understand but I struggle to understand how learning doesn't happen. If an ASD partner knows their NT likes flowers, how hard is it to get flowers? It's not a case of not thinking about it. My dp knows how I take my tea. He knows I don't like kiwi fruit or pineapple. He doesn't present me with a platter of these because he has learnt. How come he can't learn to buy me flowers in VD?