Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

@SpecialMangeTout i just want to add that stonewalling is no joke and is really abusive. It must have been torturous not knowing what was going on in his head.

You see for a very long time, I took it as stonewalling too.

Nowadays, I think it’s a mix of not being able to do small talk (and not want8 go to make the effort), being aware that ‘info dumping’ isn’t always welcome, not seeing the point if talking about things I don’t know/people I’ve never met (like his colleagues), freezing (esp true when talking about sensitive subjects) and simply having learnt that it’s safer to say nothing (let’s be honest, his answers often show that he either didn’t ‘get’ what the person wanted to say, he zoomed in a tiny detail forgetting the big picture etc…).

Now he is like this with most people so at least, I know it’s not me iyswim.

But yes it’s hard.

@Dialledin part of autism is how hard they can find to put themselves in someone else shoes.
If your dh has never experienced depression, he simply will struggle to comprehend what it means. Esp as the ‘rational’ part of him will say ‘well it was meant to be hard, so why are you complaining/struggling?’ missing the essential fact 1- he wasn’t pg himself and 2- he wasn’t the main parent with no support.

And tbh, i think it’s the case for NT too. Learnt the hard way when I got chronically ill myself

anyone aware of DARVO
I experience if via my partner constantly.

I'm sorry you are all experiencing this emotional abuse perpetrated by your partners.

That's really demeaning. Few if any of us would use the term abuse. I take it you've not in a relationship with someone who is ND?

I've been in a relationship with someone who exhibited all the behaviours described here. It was an emotionally abusive relationship.

And was that person NT or ND?

Im not going to argue that some of the behaviours are hurtful.
But saying our partners are emotionally abusive implies an intend that imo has never been there with dh.
You can be hurtful without intending to be.

@SpecialMangeTout I think it’s great you can understand his reasoning behind staying quiet and it doesn’t sound like he was trying to hurt you. I feel ignoring someone or stonewalling can be abusive. My DH sometimes stonewalls and can be very passive aggressive if I’ve upset him. However sometimes he’s quiet because he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and doesn’t want a confrontation with me. Either that or he’s hyperfocused on something.

With regards to depression I understand what you’re saying. He has however experienced it when he lost a loved one. His experience was very different to mine. He wouldn’t have expected any support so I don’t think he understands as you say. What baffles me is that when we lost multiple pregnancies before we had our kids I was depressed and he was really supportive. I’ve however not seen that side of him in a long time. My suspicion is that he researched what to do and say in those circumstances.

@Hopingforholidayhelp ive not heard of this before but that’s exactly what happens when I confront my partner too. He’ll say I’m in a mood about something else and I’m projecting quite often. He won’t just say he’s sorry or try and understand what he’s done. It’s so frustrating because it makes you doubt yourself and minimises your feelings.

@Superlambaanana im so sorry to hear you’ve had an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s such a difficult one when talking about ASD. My ex was ASD and there was a cruelty behind his behaviour. He enjoyed watching me suffer and some of the behaviours were very manipulative. Whereas my DH is likely on the spectrum and I don’t think he means any of it. It’s still frustrating and upsetting but I know he has a good heart if that makes sense.

The thing is, having ASD doesn’t make you one way or the other. Just like being NT doesn’t.
Some people are kind and nice. Some people are cruel, independently of the ND or NT.

I personally feel it can sometimes be difficult to know which one it is.

eg I’d have no issue pulling dh up on stonewalling. But is he and how I know of it’s one if the other? Or simply that he doesn’t want to engage just now, just like I do some time?

It is so hard I usually experience
D denies that situation or belittles it / waters the event down
this leaves me explaining reexplaining and explaining what I need… this makes me sound very needy
A+R attack and reverse tells me that I always do similar or I did x y z seven years ago or I am criticising and how can I ask for ‘ what I need’ when I’ve just been so Criticising

v victim , some how I land up feeling guilty and we are talking about barely anything to do with all the behaviours he’s just exhibited
O offender / offend , leave you feeling like your a problem, to needy too much too sensitive
within this also I have the story altered many times, the overwhelm and shut down/ stone walling / silence and staring in to the distance

@SpecialMangeTout its so hard to interpret it really if they can’t say why. We’re starting couples counselling this week and I’m hoping we can learn some techniques to communicate better.

@Hopingforholidayhelp im so sorry it’s so tough to highlight the issues without being made to feel needy. This is similar to what I’m going through. I think this can happy in NT relationships because some men find emotional stuff hard to deal with. It feels like with ND men they just are not wired for the emotional stuff. I think that’s what I find hard, there’s not the same ability to grow. We start therapy this week and I’m hoping there is something we can do to improve matters because the future feels bleak.

I’m sorry your situation is tough too …
nail on head , doesn’t grow or want to . I find myself speaking to him as if he were one of the children as often needs must… but I hate the position this puts me in.
we did therapy worked for a bit but when things happen in life, therapy doesn’t seem to make any difference , he still acts as he would have without it ,
as
i guess he’s him….
I do genuinely think I see two versions .
a regulated nice guy
a disregulated man that closely resembles narcissistic behaviour
Amd this concerns me as a mother of a few autistic boys
I dread thier future partners feeling like them how I feel about mine
constantly confused, excited for the future ,
only to become sad when the present reflects the past , again and again and again

Hi all, I have recently done some autism training, and it was like I spent the afternoon listening to my ex husband’s life!. I divorced 2 years ago and on reflection since we have split, I have considered adhd. I have discussed this with him, offered support to enable him to hopefully have a better relationship / improve communication with his children. He does agree this could be an issue but won’t / can’t investigate / get a diagnosis.

so the reason for my post, divorce was so hard. I was so so lonely pre divorce and felt I had all the responsibility but at the same time absolutely no control over my life. It affected every aspect of my life, my mental health especially (panic attacks, poor sleep) and wasn’t something I’d experienced before.

reading the posts on here obviously haven’t saved my marriage but they really have given me an insite and understanding to his behaviour. It’s a real eye opener to read others comments to daily challenges and how you are managing these. Thank you for all that write on here & the support.

@Hopingforholidayhelp its a really difficult pattern to be in. Also hard when you know how lovely they can be. How does ASD display in your boys? My son has had a referral and we’re just waiting to find out if his behaviour is ASD. I too worry about his future relationships knowing how hard it is with DH.

@Onetwothreefour1234 its so hard that he won’t accept the help and make some changes for the sake of the children.

Im so sorry to hear the divorce was so difficult. This is my dread if we can’t sort it out. I desperately want things to change but if they don’t I can’t see my children seeing such an unhealthy dynamic.

I think this is a great thread. There’s lots of support and understanding. As much as friends try it’s so difficult when they see the lovely side of the guy concerned. At least we all get what happens when the mask drops.

It's something to remember that our relationship with our long term partners is very different to that of parent and child. Way back on another thread a poster's DP said that he felt like she was an extension of himself (or words to that effect). I knew exactly what the poster meant. While in some ways that could be seen to be rather humbling in reality it feels as if my needs and feelings are constantly invalidated or ignored.

@Dialledin - Is your DH very 'rule bound'? Your comments make it sound as though he behaves a little like my XP - if something 'is' then it 'is'... so, if you're married then you just have to 'make the best of it and put up with his behaviour'. The possibility of you saying 'no, I don't want to, this marriage is over' just doesn't compute. You are married and marriage is forever, so you have to accommodate his behaviour, there is no alternative.

This was exactly how my XP thought.

My son has had a referral and we’re just waiting to find out if his behaviour is ASD. I too worry about his future relationships knowing how hard it is with DH.

I don’t think you can assume that your ds will be behaving in a similar way in a relationship as your dh is.
It depends on so many things, from his temperament to his life experience to what you’re going to teach him. And if course who he will end up in a relationship with (eg I’m not sure I was the best match for dh iyswim)

A friend of mine has 4 dcs. They are all ND, either ASD or ADHD. 2 in a special school. And yet all are thriving in their own ways and I believe one if the reasons is that she has been amazing at teaching them that ‘when you do/react like this, this the ASD (or ADHD)’. She is teaching them to realise what is a good side of ASD (eg when their special interest develops into being an expert) and not helpful side (eg the PDA).
Your ds will have the opportunity to be supported, which my dh and i imagine yours too, hasnt as he was growing up. I think this will make a huge difference (well I hope so too fur my own ds)

@SpecialMangeTout im not assuming my ds will be exactly the same as DH later on. I mean it does present similarly from what I can tell as DS is very young. Both get very hyper focused and distracted. I feel exhausted after a day with DS and then an evening with DH. Both very difficult to communicate with. When DS is grown up I appreciate he won’t be the same and will have had lots more support. ASD/ADHD can make relationships difficult though so it’s obviously a concern.

Your friend sounds amazing. There is so much help available now too. It should definitely be spun in positive way. I think that’s why I have a big decision to make as to whether I can accept DH how he is if the therapy doesn’t bring about change. I don’t want the kids seeing an unhealthy relationship modelled to them.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat i think because DH was a child when his parents divorced, he knows marriage doesn’t necessarily last. He’s said he’d have to accept it if I didn’t want to carry on. He is quite ‘rule bound’ though with other things. His bedtime routine for example has to followed every night. He’s pretty agitated if he can’t do it for some reason.

@Dialledin
I’ve been appalled at how your DH treats you.

No wonder you feel like you’re close to a breakdown.

Anyone who muffled me with their hand and told me to only talk to them about things they were interested in would soon have to be dispatched.

This is no way to live.

Ive never said this before to anyone on this thread but I think you need to leave. The sooner the better.

How can you possibly ever hope to be happy with someone like this? He’s horrible and appears to have no redeeming qualities or features. He’s treating in a very disrespectful way.

For rheumatoid arthritis there is now a lot of evidence linking gut bacteria and raised inflammatory cytokines to this condition.

It may be worth you researching on Pub Med various probiotics that could reduce your symptoms. If you felt better and got away from him you’d have a chance of happiness alone or with someone else.