Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Absolutely definitely not the case that just because you're diagnosed you're unloveable. No.

As others have said, this thread is for people who are struggling. But there are also successful ND/NT relationships. They don't post here =)

What seems to be the two cruxes of the matter for successful relationships are 1) each person genuinely liking and loving the other and 2) training for each person to understand the communication difficulties that come with the NT/ND thing.

There have been many autistic people on this thread over the years who are clearly warm, caring and empathetic people and some of them are in successful marriages. There have also been some autistic people who cannot be described in the same way at all, but hey. People are people in a wide range of likeableness, autistic or not.

This was why I was crippled into staying with my XP for much longer than I should have. My DD1 was given an ASD diagnosis. The reason I needed to break up with XP was that his ASD was making life unbearable. How could I, on the one hand teach her that ASD was one of the things that made her unique, was not a deal breaker in life and that it was something that could be worked around, and, on the other hand, show her that I could not bear to be with someone who was ASD?

So I waited and waited. When she had moved out and formed herself an independent life (she's actually very successful and happy), I felt I could break up with him and kind of 'skirt over' the actual reason. He was a decent, good man, whose rigid routines and inability to display any kind of emotion just made him not a good match for me. That was what I told her, anyway.

@Sunnyrunny You said your husband is a very sweet man.

Do you think he is invested enough in you and in the relationship to go to specialized counselling? It sounds like part of what is going on -is- big communication difficulties.

Having said that, even with the best will in the world some limitations in the marriage may remain post-successful-counselling. An option is to get your emotional needs met through friends. Strong outside relationships do help.

In the end, sometimes children can be happier with separated parents. Ours certainly are, though of course they are sad that the separation happened. But I was barely there by the end of the marriage; completely ground down. Now I'm actually better at parenting, as my ex-MIL has generously said.

Your children's needs matter a great deal, but an unhappy parent or one who's running on empty is not the parent they could be. It isn't a matter of blame; it's simply that we each have (entirely legitimate) needs, and if the shortfall is too serious then we can't do well, however much we want to.

@Jabberwocky78 i’m recently diagnosed as well. But i’m on this thread as my husband is not diagnosed and takes no responsibility for how he is in our family and our marriage. He has no desire to be self aware, make any accommodations himself or other etc. If he would things would be very different.

Feeling quite low today.

Started to read a book from Tara Brach in meditation etc… and it opened a whole lot of emotions.
Realised that in 25 years, DH has NEVER hold me in a caring way, in a comforting way. Not when I was in the mist of PND or AND. Not when he saw me struggling daily with chronic health issues and unable to get out bed. He can’t do it I know. But how much would I give to have someone holding in a compassionate way.

It’s hitting hard.

DP has ADHD & suspect he is on spectrum (been together for 5 years & moved in together after first 6months). Finds sudden changes in plans difficult to manage and will often panic/not discuss issues to find solutions until after he has calmed down (this is not always possible due to time constraints on problem solving)

We have come a long way (I am NT & have found ways to cope with and provide support as needed) but still struggle with the "all is lost" meltdowns.

Equally we have just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant and whilst I have no doubt in my mind he will be an incredible father, I worry that the lead up to this (and beyond) will just be me managing his emotions at a time I need support the most

Any advice welcome! (Please be kind as I know we are both trying our best)

Just been in the last few years Dh accepts he's likely autistic. In some ways this is making things easier all round.

We've been together nearly 35 years. I do find him entertaining and interesting to live with most of the time. But we got together quite young, not lived with anyone else before etc. My df and also my dsis have quite strong personalities and, df in particular, very much set the agenda growing up for us dc and dm. Fortunately, most of it was fun and enjoyable. But I now realise that living with Dh we live much more in the way he wants to. His dm was probably autistic and didn't really do friends etc. So, although fortunately, Dh likes my family and friends, he didn't have a need to socialise with friends. He preferred family. I grew up with it being a frequent occurrence for my parents to have dinner parties and friend's families over for the day, drinks parties, stay for the weekend etc. I miss that as something I might have done as adult. My dd is diagnosed autistic and said she might have found it stressful. But I think she would have been used to it if she'd experienced it when young. When she does do these things she seems to really open up and be more sociable. Most of her anxiety is related to what she imagines might occur, rather than actual experience. I think I'd have been sensitive enough to remove from situations she might have found hard to cope with.

I was recommended the Gottman research on marriages - the '4 horsemen' of risk are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

These really struck a chord with me, my DH's ASD profile includes shutdowns (instead of meltdowns), which read to me as 'stonewalling'. Likewise rejection sensitivity reads to me as 'defensiveness' and lack of accountability.

Thankfully DH rarely criticises or shows contempt (well not directly as I guess it's possible to show indirect contempt by not showing up to something important).

@kiarah hi I’ve only just joined this thread. How are you getting on? Is this your first baby? Congratulations! If it is your first you might find your partner is wrapped up in the amazement of it all and is maybe better at regulating emotions. My partner is suspected ADHD and possible ASD and he was fine with our first pregnancy. It was our second pregnancy that was difficult. He largely disassociated from it. His reasoning was because we’d been through it before he wasn’t interested in it.

I hope you’re ok!

@PictureFrameWindow thank you for posting this. I’ve just taken a look and it makes so much sense. My DH tends to shutdown and be passive aggressive to me. It’s great to find these gems that increase understanding.

Hi everyone, I’ve joined this thread because I’m at my wits end. My 3 year old son has been referred for an ASD assessment. This has turned my attention to ongoing relationship problems in my marriage.

I suspect my husband is on the spectrum. I’ve tried to raise this before and he’s unwilling to explore it. He just says he probably is and I just have to live with it. The problem is I feel like my post natal depression and mental health issues are due to his stonewalling and general inattentiveness to my emotional needs. He says me having arthritis affects him because I’m more inactive and similarly his possible ASD will affect me so I just have to deal with it. I’m not sure they are the same thing.

We have 2 very young children and are in our 40s. We’ve been together 6 years. The first few years were amazing. I now feel he was masking. He’s highly intelligent and I think he was able to be everything I needed. When I was pregnant with my second child the mask dropped. He stopped being thoughtful and any romance was gone. His reasoning was that we’d been together long enough now for our focus to purely be our kids. He asked me to think carefully about what I talk about because he just won’t listen if it’s irrelevant to him. Since then it’s been death by 1000 cuts. He’s made very little effort in the relationship and to engage with me. I’ve had post partum depression and felt very alone. I had some therapy and out of that came that I have some major relationship problems that are contributing to my mental state. Any conversation about our ongoing issues seems to lead to him shifting the blame onto me. I’ve explained that I’m low and I need support in rebuilding my life after two kids. He’s said I probably shouldn’t have had children if I couldn’t deal with the recovery.

Anyway I’m not really sure where to go from here. Any tips on how to talk to him so he can understand the effect our marriage is having on me would be appreciated. Just scared I’m going to have a full on breakdown.

@Dialledin - the 'being everything you needed' resounded with me. My ex seemed to be exactly the man I needed him to be, almost as though he'd read some kind of manual in how to 'mirror' and make himself indispensable.

No advice, just an observation.

Hello everybody,

@SpecialMangeTout I'm sorry you had that realisation and I relate so well to the feeling of not being cared for or thought about. How are you doing this week?

@kiarah congratulations on your pregnancy! I am not sure I have any advice, it sounds as though you are doing all you can to make things work.

@Dialledin your post is so sad :( especially the having to talk to him only about what interests him part. In my experience the relationship just got worse and worse, never better and unfortunately the children seemed to accelerate that.

I've been having a bit of a down week, it's 3 months since H moved out and initially I was very focussed on amicable co-parenting and making sure everyone was happy. Trying to tend to everyone's needs I guess.

Anyway, a few friends have given me a stern talking to this week over my financial future. H thinks he deserves 50% of the house and anything else is him being 'fucked over'. However, I have full time custody of our children (he doesn't want them :( ) and was a SAHP and p/t worker when they were small. He's now siting with a 6 figure salary while I'm on universal credit.

Friends are telling me to look into this because how is it fair for us to split the house 50/50 which will essentially mean that he has more than he needs to house himself and I don't have enough for myself and the DC.

I think realisticallty judge would aware more like 24/75 (to me) and I found myself not wanting to even go down that road as I would have to go through the emotional fallout from him of him not coming first. Which is always his default position. His mentality is "me first" and anything else left over can be shared out.

I also just felt really sad today thinking about the house he has moved to. He's got a 2 bedroom house, paid extra for a garage for this gym equipment that he hasn't used in the 5 years since he bought it. His spare room is his office and 'reading room'. He could easily have turned it into a bedroom for our children so that they felt they had a home with him but the thought hasn't crossed his mind.

He doesn't even have a photo of the DC in his house. You would walk in there and think he was a single man.

Every now and then he invites the DC (teen girls) to his house to 'watch a movie.'

I knew he was self-absorbed but actually I'm shocked at how little he seems to have any emotion relating to not seeing our girls anymore.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat I’m sorry you’ve felt this way too. It baffles me how they can pull it out of the bag to win us over. It implies some understanding of romantic relationships. Yet it’s not sustainable.

@itsfinallyover im so sorry to hear you’re going through this very difficult phase. It sounds terribly unfair that he’s gunning for 50\50 when he has such a big advantage. It must be heartbreaking that he’s not making more effort with your children. Surely a judge wouldn’t allow this.

This week has been terrible with DH not responding to things I’ve said. He just walks off or ignores me and carry’s on with a task he magics out of thin air as avoidance. It was during a terrible argument 6 months ago after he had put his hand in my face and ssshed me while I was talking. He said then I need to think more carefully about what I say. I got him to agree to try harder to engage with me. I’m at home with two young children all day so I need the interaction. It’s been fits and starts since then and not really any better. Then today he’s said again I need to think about what I say. So I guess it was in one ear and out the other as we’re back to square one. It’s terribly invalidating to talk about things that are important to me and be shut down.

@Dialledin , thank you, I think I need legal advice but I'm going to have to wait a year, realistically, before I can think about tackling it as I recently went self employed so don't have long enough accounts for a new mortgage so there's not much point trying to sell this place and get the equity when I can't get a mortgage to top it up to what me and the girls need.

I'm so sorry to read about your H's behaviour. Mine would do that if he didn't want to talk about something. Sometimes he would just make a weird honk sound as a way of acknowledging what I'd said without actually engaging it. Absolutely fucking ridiculous, looking back. But I tolerated it, I think in part because of all the gaslighting - whenever I tried to raise anything all I'd get back was "you do that, too" even when it was things I had never, ever done.

It's like he could not process any feedback about himself and the way he constantly centred himself (because the world is supposed to be centred around him, so anything else is an existential challenge.)

You really have my deepest sympathy, it was that behaviour that started to make me feel invisible.

@itsfinallyover i was self employed before I had the kids. It’s frustrating to have that period before the wages are recognised. I hope the year goes quickly for you so you can start again. I really hope in the long run it gets easier.

It’s interesting you mention the ‘you do that too’. Recently he asked me where was best online to read about ADHD traits. I sent him a link and all he could do was think of minor instances in the past where I have displayed traits. He mentioned once when I left baby clothes I was sorting on the dining table as disorganisation. Never mind the endless closing of cupboards he’s left open, chairs he pulled out and left and pants I’ve picked up off the floor in the bathroom 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Im so sorry your ex isn’t being a better parent to your girls. My DH is a very good Dad and very hands on. He does however use this as a get out of jail free card if I confront him over his inattentiveness towards me. He always talks about how he does way more for the kids than other Dads. It’s just hard to see him treat the kids with the love and respect he can’t seem to give me.

I really worry about the behaviour my kids are seeing. The other morning I was sitting while my one year old was eating breakfast. DH came along and said: ‘can you get up? I want to sit and drink my coffee there.’ I did it and sat the opposite side of the room. I shouldn’t have as it was so rude. When I questioned him about it later he said at least he got my daughter dressed after and I could have said no. Why couldn’t I enjoy some child free time. It was just the way he spoke to me. It wasn’t polite and I found it disrespectful as I was sitting there already. He didn’t spin it as child free time, more he wanted to sit there so I should get up.

These little incidents all build up.

My jaw dropped at him telling you to get out of the chair!!! That's appalling!!

Mine used to try things like that, he'd shout up the stairs "IFO can you come here please I want to talk to you"

So I'd shout back "if you want to talk to me then you come to me" cheeky fuck.

Mine was much more adoring of the DC when they were small. I think he found them fun although he definitely always tried to shirk a nappy or a feed or to wangle the lie in if he could.

Do you think you will be able to carry on in the marriage?

And omg yes yes to the not closing doors, leaving things lying around!!

Mine would do a DIY job then walk off and leave his tools where they were. When the children were small he'd be leaving around nails and all sorts. I'd put them in the utility room then he'd lose his shit about me 'hiding his stuff' as if it was ok for us to navigate cooking and eating around random drill bits and power tools until he deigned to return for them.

Just after he moved out he came back and dismantled the decrepit garden shed (rats were living in it).

His crowbar and two saws are still lying out on the grass getting rusty. I'm not picking them up until I want to use the garden if spring ever comes round.

I’ve been saying for a long time that my dh is mostly silent. Which was a curse (how can you relate to someone who never engages in any conversation?) and a blessing (because I’ve had NOT to deal with the comments some dh do - even though I’m sure dh had similar thoughts. It’s expressed in a PA way instead, lots of huffing, pulling faces etc…).
But actually dh has never been as bad as yours @Dialledin. He was/is hard work to live with. I’ve been hurt many times but I think he genuinely loves/loved (?) me.

Fwiw I think having the dcs was really too much for dh. He didn’t cope at all and only settled down again and got easier to live with when both dcs had left home. He is hardly in touch with them though, unless it’s about a shared interest. But is grumbling that the dcs don’t tell him anything.

im not planning to leave anymore. I simply do not have the (health) reserves and resilience to do that.
BUT I’m finding ways to make it work. It’s not a partnership but it’s more settled and we are getting into a place that is comfortable.

And one of the big changes I have done is to stop tending to everyone needs, which, with dh not talking, means guessing his needs too.
This is something I had talked about with my counsellor but it took me about 1.5 years to really ‘implement it’.

I still have those wtf moments. And I am still thinking I should have left when the dcs were really little. For my sake and theirs. (So for those of you who are in the mist of it, I’m cheering you on!).
For now though, it’s the best position I can be in subject to change of course

@estraaanged I know right!? It’s definitely a new one for him. The summoning you from the top of the stairs is bad too.

Im really lucky that DH will do nappies and feeds. He seems to genuinely love them. I can’t imagine that changing. I really hope it doesn’t.

I’m really not sure what I want. I would be willing to try marriage counselling. Also with kids so young I wouldn’t want to decide until we have a bit more time to ourselves. It’s really full on at the moment.

@estraaanged i have totally the same problem with tools and DIY stuff. They get left exactly where they’ve been used. It’s such a hazard with young children. I had to laugh at the eating surrounded by tools and drill bits. This is my life at the moment. The pants on the floor is also a massive issue. Even at 9 months pregnant with an 11 pound baby I managed to take off underwear and put it in the wash bin which is in the bathroom.

Reading this thread tonight and my heart aches for so many of you.

I separated from my husband 6 years ago. I'm certain he's on the spectrum (our dd has diagnosis). But it was his traumatic bipolar crises which ended the marriage.

With hindsight I think the autistic traits were just as harmful to me personally, but less obvious especially to others.

While it has been very, very hard for dcfinancially ially it's pretty tough, it was 110% the right decision. He was literally sucking the life out of me and unconsciously he constantly gaslit me for struggling in our marriage.

I see him now and I don't know how I managed so long - 20 years. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where you support each other and care for each other. I don't see that in many of your stories. So if you do eventually decide to leave, please know you've done your best and you deserve a Partner.

@SpecialMangeTout I’m sorry you had to deal with so much silence. It must have made it so hard. I guess like you say at least there were less upsetting comments.

I think my DH loves me, he just finds it hard to express it and there’s a disconnect because he doesn’t understand the emotional stuff.

Today I told him it’s tough because I need support with rebuilding my life. Long story short I gave up work to have our two kids as I was really ill in pregnancy and second wouldn’t sleep. I then got severely depressed. Now I’m trying to get back to work and get my mental health straight. He said it upsets him because I talk like I didn’t want kids and they were an inconvenience because I should have known it would be hard and should have just got on with it. He just doesn’t understand that of course I wanted the kids, just didn’t know what the physical and emotional demands would be. Of course emotional support was needed from him. I guess he doesn’t understand what that is.

@colouringindoors thank you so much for your comment. It really does mean a lot to hear from someone who left and made the right decision.

The kick in the teeth for me is that this is my second relationship with someone on the spectrum. The first left very suddenly by clearing out our house and leaving a note. He said our 3 year relationship was a rebound. He knew this because it was difficult to share his space with me so I must be the wrong person. He wouldn’t let me go near his things and everything was curated in a certain way. I look back and think actually it was difficult for me to live with someone like that.

I was careful when I looked for my DH after that experience. If someone had told me in the first year he was on the spectrum I’d have fiercely disagreed. He was the most thoughtful and attentive guys I’d ever met. Now I just feel numb and sad at how he is. We’ve argued today so he’s booked a meal out for us during the week. This is a lovely idea but I’m not convinced anything will change.