Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

@Superlambaanana tbh I agree. For the record I know one really successful ASD/NT marriage - seeing her tomorrow for a good walk, actually.

Mine really wasn't a successful marriage. I think he thought I was a pet - in marriage counselling after 8 years he said "I didn't think I had to listen to anything DanceswithDucks said" and he meant it literally.

Why did I stay? Firstly because at first I thought he'd led a sheltered life and would learn with experience. That he'd want to learn and grow together. It took me a long time to see that the more difficult behaviours -were- him.

Secondly I was financially trapped and also then I was really quite ill and struggling very badly physically. Getting up and leaving when you're physically struggling to walk to the end of the road is like suggesting to a normal 70 year old they climb Everest. One really can be trapped.

Thirdly, despite precautions I got pregnant very very quickly - that child wanted to be born! But I wanted very badly indeed to give my son a stable upbringing. In the end I couldn't do it any more but I'd been ground down to the point where I just agreed with everything he wanted and didn't speak otherwise. It wasn't worth all the stonewalling, subtle revenge and nastiness. How I got out I don't know. Some random stranger paid me a compliment in passing. Ex-H didn't look at me or speak to me for a week. He sat down at the end of it and the words just spilled out of my mouth that it was over.

The revenge and nastiness isn't an autism thing btw, that was just him. But some of his difficult traits were very typical of autism. Once our son was diagnosed it was like a bright light shone on his father, too. (while not officially diagnosed, the very experienced woman who diagnosed our son and son's support worker have both said informally that they're sure he's autistic. So's his mum!)

But that's my answer as to why I didn't get out. Not realising at first; illness; financially trapped and then finally ground down.

@Mumofboys15 I'm no expert but AFAIK alexithymia is co morbid with ASD but not officially a part of it. I first read about it in the book The Body Keeps the Score (since I was trying to understand DH chronic illness).

DH is diagnosed with ASD since last year. He has done a great job of finding ways to know how he is - going from being 'fine' for years to being able to articulate his feelings more. (This change really happened in therapy following a MH crisis due to chronic pain and (we now know) undiagnosed ASD.) HTH

That book is brilliant.

Same :(

It's a horrible realisation, isn't it?

Weirdly, I think part of the reason I picked my H is because I felt safe with him. But that safety was because he was so passive, whereas my mother is so actively harmful, and by choice.

Now I've come to realise the passivity and checking out can be just as painful, but in a different way.

Hi @itsfinallyover
Was reading your other thread and was ready to message you about this one. But I can see you’ve found us. :):)

I agree on how checking out is just as painful.
Sometimes, I feel like I just don’t matter. My needs don’t matter. It’s not helped by the fact I’m limited myself physically so can’t ‘join in’ with him (and he isn’t going to join in with me iyswim)

@itsfinallyover
Now I've come to realise the passivity and checking out can be just as painful, but in a different way.
Yes that's it.

I was just remembering a painful car journey with my XP. I decided to wait and not say anything to see if he would initiate conversation. After all, we didn't live together, we saw each other only at weekends, surely a long car journey would be a great opportunity to talk over some things, chat, decide our future etc?

Yorkshire to Devon is the answer. And no is also the answer. Three hundred miles of his music on the radio and not a word said. And he thought this was a nice drive.

Oh God, this thread resonates so much.

I have been with DH for 15 years, married for 13.
I can't believe it has taken me 14 years to realise he is autistic - I always knew his brother was as he was very obvious.

But DH... he is a very sweet man and would do anything for us - when he happy. But he shuts down when he is anxious or stressed, barely communicates with me. He didn't talk to me for 10 days once when I was pregnant with DD1. I was beside myself by the end of it. He doesn't want to really spend any time with me, every evening we are on our own. He doesn't want to socialise with anyone new at all. He does however socialise with people he has known either since primary school or who he lived with in college. He doesn't want to go on holiday really. He will only see my family when he has to. He loves it when we all go out and leave him alone. But he does adore our DDs and is a reasonably good dad in terms of interacting with them and being involved in their day to day care.

If I ask him about how he feels about something, he just kind of shuts down and says he doesn't know. He asked me early on in our relationship what he should do if i cry, and I said just hold me. So he does do that - which is something - he does want to support me, he just doesn't know how. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and he isn't really interested - he will listen to me, but it's kind of like I am talking to myself really as he has nothing to say.

I only recently realised how anxious he gets about things, so I find myself trying to soothe him like I do the kids. I feel I have to parent him in a lot of ways and I just feel quite alone.

But I am torn. We have 2 DDs. As a foursome, we can have fun together and it's a happy enough household, but I just feel so fucking lonely. I want a partner who can look after me sometimes and socialise with me and make decisions together - I have to decide every single thing. Actually, simply I want a partner - someone to share things with. Not live a lonely single life without the hope of ever meeting someone who could make me happy.

I want us to separate I think, but the kids are happy and stable right now (both ND - one ADHD and one ASD/ADHD - though neither diagnosed yet). So, I just feel that it would be the ultimate in selfishness to take their happy home (as they see it at least) away from them. And I think he would be devastated.
But I am just so sad to think of the rest of my life alone, in a relationship with him - especially once they are grown up (they are 7 and 11). Financially it would be tough but doable i think.

Any words of advice from those of you that have been here?

This true for me. My DP is not diagnosed but the DC and I have noted numerous ADHD and ASD traits that are very wearing and emotionally draining. When DP is at home, the energy in the house is all about him, either the constant talking/obsessing, or his stress due to overwhelm. When he's out, the atmosphere is so calm and 'normal '.
I notice similar traits in myself, but am expert at masking, so I can deal with him.
I'm actually dreading the empty nest (and his ridiculous plans for the house).

I don't have long but totally relate to your post, I think I'm just a bit further down the line. My DD's are 15 and 17 and H moved out in November.

I was also diagnosed with ADHD. H also didn't care or want to find out about it, which actually should have hurt given how many adjustments I make for his ASC traits. He initially didn't want to move out and was very upset, but I genuinely think that is because he doesn't cope with change. As soon as he was settled in his house it was like we were forgotten.

I don't actually think my H is capable of genuine love. I'm not saying that's down to his ASC, I just think it's who he is. He gets on fine with his parents but told me once it wouldn't affect him if they died.

I've given up on the hope of a decent relationship (don't think I'd know what to do with one now, after 2 decades of this) but our lives are much happier without him in it.

I had to nursemaid my H over his anxiety, too, which worsened and worsened the more he drank.

It is amazing how much more peace and headspace I have away from the marriage. I feel devastated and traumatised by going through it (had a traumatic childhood so it pours salt on those wounds, ,really) but I feel peaceful now.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I totally relate. My experience was that it got worse, not better. It's like my H regressed and became less of a human being as they years went by.

Only just found this. I’ve been married 18 years. 2 neurodivergent children. DH is absolutely where their ASD comes from and it looks like I’m where the ADHD comes from.
I’ve felt completely alone as the only non autistic person in our house so am delighted to find this thread. No one in real life has the same set up so don’t get it.

@itsfinallyover @Sunnyrunny I resonate so much with both your posts.

I posted on this thread in November as I was really struggling and didn't know whether to stay or leave. Things got very bad over Christmas and I said to my DH that we had to separate. He's found a flat and has agreed to move out. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for us both, it's like a grieving process really.

DH is devastated but not because he loves me - he loves the dc and he is petrified of change. He keeps begging me to change my mind, and says he'll try to love me in the way I want and change his behaviour. But that's just not possible, I know. He doesn't want to make the relationship work because he loves me, it's because he's terrified of change, and living on his own. And I just can't forget the years of anger, control, dealing with his stress and anxiety and being his emotional punch bag. He just cannot cope with stress, and seems to have given up with life. The family and home are his safe cocoon, but I just can't carry on like this.

I feel so so guilty though. He has barely any friends and he is not close to his family. I keep telling him that I am there for him and will help him as much as I can. I can imagine him just sitting in his flat all day staring bewilderedly at the wall (he doesn't work). It's awful. I've said to him that he can come over every day, or the dc can go to him, so he doesn't feel lonely. I'm obviously still mothering him, as he seems like a child.

Although I'm feeling terrible for him, I have also started to feel a sense of peace and freedom, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The thought of being able to be in this house without his moods, anxiety and stress - I feel like it's going to be so freeing and I will finally be able to have some headspace and time to heal from the trauma of the relationship.

@itsfinallyover "It's like my H regressed and became less of a human being as they years went by."
Yes - this.

Forgot to say that I also have ADHD - seems to be fairly common to have an ASD/ADHD combination in a relationship!

I’ve recently been diagnosed am I unlovable then?
I have lots of empathy, but this can lead to feeling sad easily.
After reading all this I feel anyone would be better off without ASD partners.

No, a diagnosis doesn’t make you unloveable. If anything, these posts are about love - that’s why we haven’t left.

relationships are hard. ND mixes can make it harder.

my advice would be “try not to get into a relationship with me”
cos l expect it’ll make both of us confused and sad as I have baggage and won’t be able to shut up about stuff my ex DH didn't do and didn’t say.

Other than that, have fun.

ASD presents very differently for everyone who has it.

I don’t think it’s a black and white statement like you’re suggesting.

There are possible matches for many of us, both NT and ND out there and I have seen both.

Those on this board though are not experiencing good matches.

I would say that having children would be something to think on deeply before having them, having seen the effect it’s had on DH and equally sadly the effect of an absent, critical Dad it’s had on our children. He was fine before we had children but I’m not sure they make him happy. He loves them but I’m not sure he’d do it again. They are completely incompatible with the life he leads and wants very much to lead.

The noise, lack of free time, interruptions in his focus, the responsibility, the differences of opinion as they’ve got older, his desire for routines.

All of this has been difficult for him to compromise on. Very very difficult and has caused masses of friction. He has not compromised at all really. He’s pushed back on everything and therefore I have had to cope with it all.

I’m aware, I have two teenagers. I don’t need routines, I’ve always coped with noise and have willingly made them my life. I’ve only struggled once I hit the menopause and they are much quieter now.

I would say no. I love my DH, he has the best heart and actually does make me laugh. But he is hard to live with and because he seems to be incapable of adulting, everything falls to me. He can't take criticism, doesn't really want to spend time with me on our own and a load of other things, I just feel alone and sad. I think my finding it so hard is exacerbated by my adhd.

I adult very well, work a professional job, show love, compassion, I’ve been having a tough time since COVID but found ways around it.

I can relate to so much of what you have said.

If we were to split, I would worry about him and exactly as you have said would do everything I could to make sure he was still part of DC's lives. I could see that I would have to sort out his new place and look after him to a certain extent.

He would be devastated, but I think he does love me, he just isn't really capable of a "normal" relationship. I am actually amazed looking back that he was able to get together with me in the first place.

One of my good friends thinks she has ASD (if that's the right terminology), but she is a great friend and is married and actually is the more emotionally intelligent one between her and her DH.

She gets very anxious with change and isn't great at keeping in touch, but she is loving and emotional and she is one of my favourite people. It just shows that it is a complete spectrum and everyone with ASD is so different.

Mine’s back to trying to not get divorced. He’s done some DIY that needed doing 3 years ago and I’d given up on and hooked fhe cinema tonight.

itll last for three weeks - and then he’ll retreat again. It’s annoying, he can do it if he wants to - he just doesn’t want to.

Mine hoovers when I get upset.

Does anyone else have to remind their DH/DW it’s your birthday coming up?

DD forgot mine last week even with a reminder.

My card was signed just with DH’s name.

Not even “love from”.

If didn’t say anything I wouldn’t even have got that.

Because my birthday is not a priority he’s taught the children the same way.

He won’t celebrate his and openly admits he hates his birthday and hated parties as a child. Couldn’t understand why people wanted to have fun when they could have been studying or playing sports.

It’s the repeated sense of feeling low priority or no priority that’s painful. It destroys your self esteem as you start to think you’re not worth the trouble.