Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

I do wish I understood. I know ASD people say 'I just couldn't think to' but smart people are smart people. They aren't devoid of the capacity to learn. I'm so confused. I wouldn't think to many things but if it's important to someone I care about, I learn and modify my behaviour. When stressed I retreat. If someone I care about is the opposite and wants to be held, it's not in my nature but I learn. I won't get it right everytime but I will for sure remember a lot of the time to give them a hug because I learn and have a memory.

Are you AS?

Very much this. And then you question if you are asking for too much. It wasn’t until I found this thread that I realised I wasn’t asking for too much. It was never me, it was him!

Completely different ways of operating emotionally in that they think they’re right but we think we’re right.

And as women we are already told we’re more emotional than we should be.

I have felt gaslit for many years. And of course that causes seething resentment that has needed to be ignored/squashed/displaced so that I could continue to function and stay.

DH’s health is top notch. I am falling apart.

That’s so lovely. Thank you for trying. It does make a difference you know.

I'm not sure I accept the relativism in "love means different things to different people." While it might be challenging to define, and people may struggle to explain exactly what it means to them, love is essentially and inextricably emotion-based. If emotion is missing or can't be accessed, it isn't love. Whatever our "loved" ones try to convince us.

@StillNotOverIt820 I don't disagree, maybe love can evolve or love can be different depending on the relationship.

My love for my children is very different to my love for DW which in turn is very different to the love I felt for her 20+ years ago.

On the topic of making it work, we've both tried hard in recent years. DH has a chronic illness so there's a lot going on for us. Therapy (individually) really helped us to communicate. I don't know how we could have stayed together otherwise. DH detests it but is willing to do it. Maybe because it's a health related thing it's more acceptable though?

Interested to read of link between narc DM and ASD DH. This is me

DH shows no emotions or empathy. After years of neglect from DM and DF, my self worth was zero when we met and the rest is history. 3 DC later, here we are.... My kids have kept me going for the last 20 years, don't know how I'm going to cope with the years ahead once they leave

Does this ring true for anyone?

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/people-alexithymia-emotions-mystery/

Mumofboys my DH has alexithymia, and it is a huge challenge. It explains a lot about why my DH says one thing but then acts differently. He can genuinely think he's 'fine' but it's obvious to me he's getting overstimulated or whatever and then loses the plot. Prior to that I thought he was being disingenuous or childish.

I still struggle to understand how you cannot register your emotions. It's not something I can really imagine. I've listened to several podcasts where people have described it, which has been helpful.

@PictureFrameWindow has your husband been formally diagnosed?

Penny dropped for me today when I read the symptoms. It explains a lot.

Interesting thread. Seems a lot of you are putting up with very unpleasant and unreasonable men. I'm not sure why you are doing that. Even of they have a mental health condition which prevents them from behaving in a reasonable, non-selfish way, it's not your responsibility to go above and beyond to compensate for that. If you had known your husbands were going to end up acting this way (staying in rooms doing 'special interest' projects, not allowing home decorating, being rude, having inappropriate female friends to name just a few examples from this thread) would you have married them in the first place? Do you think they would put up with it if the tables were turned? And if not, why do you stay?

Since when was ASD a mental health condition?

@Superlambaanana for one autism is not a mental health condition but a disability.

There is a good question as to why I stayed.
And the answer is what I’ve said a few posts back. Because even though some of the behaviours are crap and hurtful, it is always clear it’s not coming from being mean or nasty etc… it’s coming from being overwhelmed, not understanding, not being able to read between the lines etc etc..

Of course, you can stay at the level of ‘behaviour is unacceptable’.
Or you can say it’s a disability (one that came out only much later in my relationship - dh had no idea when I met him) and there is a need for adjustments. Just like dh has had to adjust to MY physical disability that stops me from doing pretty much anything in the house.

And then… I think life grinds you down. Just LIKE in an abusive relationship (and I’m not saying it is!!), you get used to the behaviours/you have a-history that makes you more likely to accept the situation. You find legitimate (!!) reasons for the behaviour. Etc etc… many many reasons why people don’t throw the towel away.
For me, my illness had a very clear role to play. I was already overwhelmed, living in (physical) survival mode from pushing myself too much to carry on as if I wasn’t ill. I couldn’t contemplate adding to that being a single mum in a foreign country with no support network at all.
And maybe I was wrong and it would have been easier. Maybe my illness wouldn’t have got as bad as it is now. Or maybe it would have and I simply wouldn’t have been physically able to look after my own dcs.

But more to the point, your question is
How can you tolerate to live with someone with a disability/chronic Illness that makes your life hard work?
Well, we do. Like many other people in a couple who are in this exact same situation. Are we all wrong? And more to the point, would you find it normal if your DP was leaving you because you discovered you have a disability?

Most men leave when their female partners become ill or develop a disability. It's mostly women who tend to stay and offer care.

I get that people in marriages have to balance the ups with the downs - "in sickness and in health". And fair enough if you take the view that as it's not the other person's fault you therefore feel obliged or have a duty (though you could take that argument to the extreme and say the same of an abusive spouse - it's not their fault, they had a bad upbringing/ trauma etc, as there's always something that causes people's behaviour - does the wife have a duty to stay and help them despite the negative impact on her in that situation too?).

However, it's the selfish, rude, inconsiderate behaviour that people are putting up with that I find troubling. Someone who is in need of help because they are ill/ disabled/ any other reason of course deserves to have their loved ones (and indeed society as a whole) offer help. What the helper shouldn't have to put up with though is being treated badly in return. Very badly by the sounds of many of you - who I think are putting up with too much.

@Superlambaanana actually there is a strong pressure on partners of autistic people to accommodate their disability, yes. In the same way that, let’s say at work, people are asked to bring accomodation to disabled people or you have dropped curbs for wheelchairs etc…
I didn’t think that it was controversial to adjust (some) behaviours to the disability. It’s not a duty towards someone who is ND. It’s how we should all behave towards disabled people, regardless of the disability.
See also ableism etc…

I agree there is an issue with boundaries. I believe each of us will decide what those boundaries are. I dint think it’s helpful for anyone to judge people on what their boundaries are. Esp if they have no direct experience themselves.

@Superlambaanana I take it you're not in a long term relationship with someone with ASD or any other kind of ND.? You don't even know the difference between mental health and neurology.

I really don't think you're qualified in any way whatsoever to comment on this particular thread.

A qualification isn't required to enter into a conversation or have an opinion on a public forum. So that's just rude. There's a real sense of anger from you which I don't really understand as I am asking a perfectly reasonable question- why are people putting up with unreasonable behaviour from someone they are going out of their way to help?

I'm not judging and apologies if it sounds like I am. I do think some of you sound like you are putting up with too much. That's an opinion based on what Ive read and I fully accept I might be wrong and you don't find the behaviours you've described to be unreasonable or that you are getting the shit end of the stick. Even if you are, judgement implies blame and I don't blame you. Everyone makes their own choices in life. But I do wonder if you would have chosen this life had you known about it in advance. And if not, why you continue to put up with it.

I find your thoughts and comments helpful @Superlambaanana. I’ve personally got to the point that I don’t want to make any more excuses or put up with it anymore. Living with a ghost is no way to live for me or the kids. As kids get older, I am constantly looking for different ways to connect and communicate with them - usual teenage stuff. My husband is mute 🤐

And also, I fully agree with making adjustments to accommodate others' needs. In a wide range of situations including disability adjustments in the workplace. We all have to share the planet and to do that we need to compromise. But I don't believe an adjustment to accommodate one person's needs should have a detrimental impact on another person. Inconvenience and extra effort are reasonable. But emotionally damaging behaviour is not reasonable and no one should have to put up with that.

@Superlambaanana but you are judging. You're judging the relationships we have with our partners, yet you clearly have no idea of what ASD or even ND is, how it effects individuals, families and partnerships.

I'm sure you have many amazing insights into the relationships you're familiar with, but unless you are in a ND/NT or ND/ND relationship, please stop.

That’s the point we are probably all trying to make. When you are dealing with someone who is emotionally disconnected, it makes resolving issues more or less impossible. I’ve tried multiple times. A just get a blank look.