Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Yes, mine’s an absence in our lives. He’s there but not.

i watched this. DH is not diagnosed and this covert narcissism seems familiar behaviour. What if he’s not ASD but it’s a personality thing?

i had withdrawn at New Year and this weekend he has been doing all the jobs I’ve been “nagging” about (without being asked again), he has initiated a conversation about one of our kids which was nice and actually helpful and he has made eye contact.

rhis is usually where I join in, but I think I’m too hurt now. I am not interested in another loop of this rollercoaster.

@BlueTick has your DH been diagnosed?
it’s like Jekyll and Hyde too - he can be lovely (but not loving) and then with a flip of a switch he’s in ‘edgy blame mode’ where I know the snide comments are going to start.

I stayed primarily as I wanted to be around whenever he was on bad form so I could be with the kids. I now feel I’ve let them down by staying and I’ve left it all too late. I have no money or house of my own I feel very trapped.

@Worriedaboutleaving

Yes I'm in the same situation. Have stayed but now think it was a mistake.

No job or career to speak of. Completely trapped. Stayed too long.

My DH has an anger problem and a lack of empathy. Blows up at ridiculously small things and when something goes wrong just gets so angry.

When you're down and feeling like you made a mistake, in he comes and puts the boot in. There is a complete lack of compassion or kindness. Just doesn't seem to exist.

He thinks that making money is the most important activity/thing in the world. He prioritises his job above everything.

I don't know what to do now but I will see a solicitor in the next few weeks. A friend has offered me a mutual friend who is a family solicitor and I will get a free hour to chat with her and find out more.

Our last three holidays were a nightmare. I never want to go away with him again.

@BlueTick has he been officially diagnosed?

My little one is ill - stomach bug. DH ended up sleeping on the floor of his room - I was asleep and didn’t hear anything - I have to wear ear plugs as DH snores so badly that I simply can’t cope through the severe lack of sleep if I don’t.

At 4 am I heard crying so went in to DS’s room (right next to DDs room) to find him clutching his stomach and crying. I said I would take him in to our bed so DD could have a chance of sleeping and DH could get some kip pre-work.

DH: “don’t make this about my work. He’s just manipulating as he wants to go downstairs. Don’t undermine me.”

Like wtf

@BlueTick yes I think our DHs are the same / v similar. I’m so sorry 🙁

@Worriedaboutleaving my DH also snores so loudly we sleep in separate rooms now. I am a sensitive sleeper at the best of times anyway.

I asked him to try and do something about it but he’s wasnt interested. Not my problem sort of attitude.

I used to wear ear plugs but once the children came I couldn’t anymore as I hated being cut off from hearing them.

As for your DH’s response to your DS’s illness and crying my DH has had projected extremely adult and sometimes deviant ideas of behaviour onto the children.

I remember something when DD was six months old, we had this. She was just a baby for heavens sake and he was talking about her like a fully fledged adult that was being highly manipulative.

It was weird. It was like there was no oxytocin or love in him whatsoever. He could only see things from a very calculated angle.

I broke my leg, spiral fracture of tibia and fibula, on boxing day a good few years ago. DW went to bed until the boys went back to school 10 days later, then had a miraculous recovery the very day term started.

She's now thrown a major strop because I dared to challenge her (self) diagnosis that she and DS have ADHD.

Do any of you with partners like this reflect that actually the partners are abusive? I'm told that being on the spectrum isn't an excuse; there are plenty of parents/partners on the spectrum and they don't act in this way or if they do, they realise and apologise and try to make it right. I've looked at the narcissist information and Lundy Bancroft books and they do fit the type of behaviour everyone here is reporting. Whereas a few other ASD forums I've delved in to, the posters with ASD etc seem to honestly want to try and communicate better and take on board with their partners ways of improving relationships.

I'm just so confused as to why. But maybe it doesn't matter why but bottom line is neither I nor children should have to put up with the shouting, always right, my way or high way, a home that's only run for one person and we have to "make reasonable adjustments" for. I find it very manipulative. And yes we've had the "don't undermine me" and teenage tantrums from a 50 year old. It wears you out. It's certainly far far worse since children and partly because I'm not running around at his beck and call any longer as the children come first.

Rant over!

Abusive, no. Damaging, in our relationship yes. I think abusive suggests some kind of malign intent or at least a purpose behind an action or actions. DW actually has very little awareness that things she says and does often have a negative effect on those around her. If I try to point out the effect she can have she is either dismissive or angry.

@working4ever this is, for me, an eternal question.
Is it ASD or is it abusive?

Some if dh behaviours have felt abusive. Many times. Or at least, theyve hurt as if they were abusive iyswim.
And at the same time, there is a quality of his behaviours that scream ‘Not abusive but struggling’.

I found it extremely hard to deal with.

re the forums.
Lets be honest, the type of person who will go on these forums are not the type if partners we have. It’s not a criticism of my dh for example. Just a statement of fact - he doesn’t have the insight so he won’t go and find solutions iyswim.

I have to admit that, reading this board, quite a lot of the behaviours that the DHs are displaying are not limited to those with ASD. ASD does seem to manifest as extreme selfishness in some cases, but those who aren't on the spectrum can ALSO be selfish to a ridiculous degree, so we have to be careful about attributing behaviour to ASD when it could just be an incredibly selfish and self-obsessed individual who isn't on the spectrum.

I don't agree. Selfishness to me implies an awareness of the needs of others, some of our partners don't have that awareness.

Maybe selfishness was the wrong word to use. Maybe self-obsession is more like it. I know sometimes it's occasioned simply by the partner just not considering other people as separate thinking individuals (like my ex and his 'I thought it, so you must have thought it too), but sometimes they do know that others would like things to be done differently, but it's all right for them so they just don't care.

Totally agree with that.

Do you think our ASD partners love us?

Ironically my DH is literally obsessed with the fact that if we meet up with other people that they never ask him questions about him. They do - in the first 3 sentences - they ask how he is and what he’s been up to - but he wants very specific questions about his work (his obsession) and unless he’s able to talk for about an hour about what he wants to talk about he considers that the other person has been very selfish and not asked anything about him.

DW once told me "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you". But she refuses to tell me she loves me. Love means different things to different people.

Says he loves but I don’t feel that love in a way that is meaningful to me. I don’t feel cared for.

For my sanity I need DH to go for an assessment - how can I phrase it without getting his back up? If I get his back up he will make a point of never seeking an assessment.

Jumping in here without earlier introduction as I usually lurk and learn. I once got "I love you too, but not as much as mountains."

I have a narcissistic mother and married a man who I think is on the spectrum (not diagnosed). It's interesting that people have brought up the ASD/Narcissist question. I don't think my husband is a narcissist, but how I feel in the relationship is very similar to how I felt as a child. Unseen, unheard, there to be of use. My mother is pretty toxic whereas my husband isn't, but little or no empathy in both. Difference is I think my mother likes to see me hurt and discomfited whereas my husband doesn't notice.

Difference is I think my mother likes to see me hurt and discomfited whereas my husband doesn't notice.

I think in our case, DH is puzzled as to why I am hurt…
He realises, doesn’t understand and then it’s easier to think it somehow must be me who is wrong (makes a fuss out if nothing etc…) than to accept he is hurting me on a regular basis.

@Daftasabroom DW once told me "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you". But she refuses to tell me she loves me. Love means different things to different people.

Has she ever detailed why she refuses to say she loves you?
Saying 'cos I said it once already' sounds to me like 'but I've taken the trash out/brushed my teeth/read with my child ..... once already. Why do I need to ever do it again?'

@Daftasabroom or even more pertinent. What if you said 'but I've made love to you once already. Why would I ever have to do it again?'

@redheadsaregreat nope, no why. I'm not sure she would be able unpick why to be honest.