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Original poster

Repulsed by somebody I was once crazy about, anyone else?

86 replies

Ytfs · 23/09/2023 14:30

Late last year I was seeing a man for 6 months or so. It wasn't serious (I wanted it to be at the time but he was emotionally unavailable - not in a relationship but not over his ex, so he said). He almost certainly used me for sex and I allowed him to because I was really into him and took whatever crumbs he gave me.

I know not everybody on mumsnet 'believes in' limerence but I'm almost certain that what it was on my part. When it ended I was absolutely crushed and it took me months to get over and to stop thinking of him. Full blown heartbreak over some bloke I wasn't even official with. Ridiculous.

Anyway I deleted his number and stuck to NC, sticking to my resolve by reminding myself he had treat me poorly.

Fast forward to now he has looked me up on Instagram and got in touch asking if I wanted to hook up again for old times sake. The thought of it makes me feel quite ill actually.

I don't know what on earth I saw in him. He's not even that attractive and the sex wasn't even upto much. He got a "thanks but no thanks" from me and I left him on read, only for him to message again and 'like' all my stuff to get my attention so I blocked him.

6 months ago I would have walked over hot coals to get a message from him.

Has anybody else gone from being completely into somebody to then repulsed like this? Weird, isn't it?

OP posts:
Bapbap45 · 23/09/2023 14:35

Lalalaletmeexplain on IG covers a lot of this. She has stuff on Limerance in her book, and also what you'll do/pursue at certain points in your cycle (when you're ovulating).

It's like coming up for air when you get there.

I'm going through a break up. I'm hoping this stage comes along soon!

penpep · 23/09/2023 14:39

Good for you!!!

Scorcher79 · 23/09/2023 14:40

Yes indeed. A good sign that you are in fact completely over someone! Onwards and upwards!

squareyedannie · 23/09/2023 14:48

Both of my previous long-term relationships now give me the ick.

Original poster
Ytfs · 23/09/2023 14:56

I love the lalalaletmeexplain account on insta but had no idea she'd written a book. I'll definitely read it.

It was such a relief to realise "I'm over it" as I wasted so much time and energy on it.

I'm convinced limerence is some sort of temporary state of mental illness or something. I went from a sensible, rational woman to watching videos about twin flames (convinced that was what we were) and "how to get him back" 😂

I wouldn't touch him with gloves now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ytfs · 23/09/2023 14:56

The ick! That's it!

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 23/09/2023 14:59

Yes but unfortunately I got the ick on my wedding night 🤬

54isanopendoor · 23/09/2023 14:59

I made a fool of myself over a chap just before menopause really kicked in.
It was my hormonal last gasp I think? Limerance is temporary in-sanity I agree.
Glad you have 'the ick' now!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/09/2023 15:05

Good on you for standing firm!

My ex massively gives me the ick now.

When we met I was 17, he was 19 and we were both full of similar hopes and dreams for the future. We had fertility treatment relatively young to have our twin girls. He sneaked a day off work to decorate their nursery room in our flat. He used to sneak flapjacks and chocolate onto my bedside table before he went off to work in the morning because they were all I could face with my sickness and used a highlighter pen in a baby names book. I was utterly heartbroken when he walked out. I begged him back until he did something that reminded me of my father. Even when I wouldn't have him back I still loved him for a long time.

He's now got 7 kids by 3 women. Doesn't see any of them. Has broken the hearts of countless women. Cheated on them all. Let down god knows how many children (he does the doting dad when he's in a relationship and has become step-dad to quite a few - then abandons them at the end of a relationship) and is just a repulsive individual. Can't quite believe he was once my whole world.

tothelefttotheleft · 23/09/2023 15:16

LakeTiticaca · 23/09/2023 14:59

Yes but unfortunately I got the ick on my wedding night 🤬

What happened?!

Bapbap45 · 23/09/2023 15:20

She has a reel pinned on her account about Limerance. And the ick!

Timeout22 · 23/09/2023 15:51

Yes and it's such a relief really! Hold onto that feeling, don't let him slip back when you might feel different one day because of loneliness etc. Well done to you! x

PollyAmour · 23/09/2023 17:50

My first love broke my heart, and I spent months desperately trying to work out a strategy to get him back. Then I moved away from my home town, and after a couple of years, went back for a friend's birthday party. Ex boyfriend was there, and made a beeline for me. I should have been delighted but I found myself thinking 'was he always so short? did he always have spindly legs? surely he was more intelligent than this?'

Poor bugger, I think he expected me to fall into his arms (and his bed) and instead I made polite conversation for 10 painful minutes, before walking away.

It was such a relief to realise he had absolutely no power over me and whatever attraction there had been, had well and truly disappeared.

aurynne · 24/09/2023 03:36

Being in love with someone casts a spell on you that makes you not see the physical and mental faults that person has. Often when you fall out of love you see the person just as it is, warts and all... and find out that the warts are actually quite yucky.

strawberrysea · 24/09/2023 09:13

Yes, this has happened to me!

I was absolutely madly, head over heels for my ex boyfriend. I absolutely idolised him. One day completely out of the blue he ended things by sending me a message saying that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore (looking back there was probably someone else involved).

I was a student at the time and so I saw him everyday, it was absolutely crushing to me and I'm so embarrassed to admit that I cried every morning when I woke up and remembered that we weren't together anymore.

This was five years ago and recently he messaged me trying to get back in contact (and back into my pants most likely) and I actually cringed at the message!! I ignored it and he sent another a few months later which I ignored again.

He was the definition of an 'ick'. I know this is terribly cruel but he had absolutely horrific breath that in loved up state I looked past. He also had a very serious PE issue which he refused to acknowledge which meant that sex lasted (literally) less than 20 seconds with zero foreplay ever.

It's actually quite scary what love can do to you

idrinkandiknowthings · 25/09/2023 13:53

Oh definitely!! I saw a recent photo of a guy that I destroyed my long-term relationship over. I examined it closely and literally have absolutely no idea what possessed me. On the plus side, my long-term partner found a lovely woman and they got married, so some good came out of it!

JamSandle · 25/09/2023 13:55

I feel this way about all of my exes. I just don't feel it anymore, at all.

Noselikeyorkshirepud · 25/09/2023 20:43

I wonder why I dated anyone I dated ugh.

Original poster
Ytfs · 25/09/2023 21:23

I read an article about "the ick" which included the 'proper' term for it but can't remember for the life of me what it was. It was 'something' repulsion.

It has probably happened a bunch of times throughout my life and dating history but the two most glaring ones are this guy and another plonker I met online who turned out to be a diagnosed sociopath. That was an interesting 3 months.

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 26/09/2023 21:01

Yeah, definitely! I have had four long term relationships before my current one (and a fairly large number of flings/ONS too). Three of the four LTRs, the people I was with now seem utterly ludicrous, unpleasant and revolting to me - (the other one is my Dd's dad, so I would never allow myself to utterly despise him if I could help it as it's important we remain cordial and respectful if possible for dd's sake.)

My most recent ex, in particular, I was utterly crazy for him, and he kept breaking up with me then hoovering me up again, before finally kicking me out and making me homeless (DD and I had to go back and live with my parents) in a horrible way. I remember, the night after he kicked me out, lying in bed with my mom and dad like a little child, literally howling about how much I loved him, and my mom saying, I know you do, I know, but.....

Yet by the time he attempted the hoover, maybe a couple of months later, I had gone to finding him utterly laughable, and the thought of sex with him really truly turned my stomach......

Sometime I wonder if I am very shallow. And if, if I put my mind to it, I could persuade myself to fall in love with basically anyone....

junbean · 27/09/2023 01:12

I'm always like this lol. You are not alone!

Fallingthroughclouds · 27/09/2023 01:13

The ick is real

Disturbia81 · 27/09/2023 11:58

Same. Head over heels, he's a great emotionally deep person with great words, not overly attractive but because I loved him he was so handsome to me. Once I saw the narc traits and sleazyness with young women and perviness I got the instant ick. Now I look at his photos and see he looks goofy. The idea of sex with him turns me cold.
Physical attraction in many cases is heavily based on personality and what we feel emotionally.

Original poster
Ytfs · 27/09/2023 12:40

Physical attraction in many cases is heavily based on personality and what we feel emotionally.

That is so true.

When I was head over heels for this guy I thought he was the most attractive man I'd ever been with. I would get full blown fanny flutters just thinking about him.

I did wonders for his ego as he said nobody had ever found him that irresistible before and it was such a confidence boost.

Now, I think "Jesus christ mate take some pride in your appearance, It wouldn't kill you to get your hair cut more than once per year"

😂

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 27/09/2023 12:53

Ytfs · 27/09/2023 12:40

Physical attraction in many cases is heavily based on personality and what we feel emotionally.

That is so true.

When I was head over heels for this guy I thought he was the most attractive man I'd ever been with. I would get full blown fanny flutters just thinking about him.

I did wonders for his ego as he said nobody had ever found him that irresistible before and it was such a confidence boost.

Now, I think "Jesus christ mate take some pride in your appearance, It wouldn't kill you to get your hair cut more than once per year"

😂

Same! He was surprised someone "like me" found him so attractive, he was on cloud nine but then ruined it with his wandering eye. Think some men don't want to be happy or their little man rules them.
Men feel more in the initial attraction stages I think but they also find women more beautiful when they love them/love their personalities.
And then it's like the veil falls away/filter comes off and you see whats underneath and it makes them look ugly.