Repulsed by somebody I was once crazy about, anyone else?

[Ytfs]

Late last year I was seeing a man for 6 months or so. It wasn't serious (I wanted it to be at the time but he was emotionally unavailable - not in a relationship but not over his ex, so he said). He almost certainly used me for sex and I allowed him to because I was really into him and took whatever crumbs he gave me.

I know not everybody on mumsnet 'believes in' limerence but I'm almost certain that what it was on my part. When it ended I was absolutely crushed and it took me months to get over and to stop thinking of him. Full blown heartbreak over some bloke I wasn't even official with. Ridiculous.

Anyway I deleted his number and stuck to NC, sticking to my resolve by reminding myself he had treat me poorly.

Fast forward to now he has looked me up on Instagram and got in touch asking if I wanted to hook up again for old times sake. The thought of it makes me feel quite ill actually.

I don't know what on earth I saw in him. He's not even that attractive and the sex wasn't even upto much. He got a "thanks but no thanks" from me and I left him on read, only for him to message again and 'like' all my stuff to get my attention so I blocked him.

6 months ago I would have walked over hot coals to get a message from him.

Has anybody else gone from being completely into somebody to then repulsed like this? Weird, isn't it?

I'm not sure I'll ever be happy again unless Tom Hardy becomes available and likes me.

Yes!! I dated a guy on and off for about 2 years then we split in lockdown.

About a year ago I was at a social event and he was as there. I looked at him and thought wtf?? There was absolutely nothing about him that was attractive or appealing.

I kept my distance and spent my time with my friends and he did everything he could to get my attention. In fact he managed to gradually cross the room to the point that when I came back from ladies, he was in the space I’d left right next to my friends.

He messaged next day to ask why I hadn’t spoken to him and I felt absolutely nothing. It was a fantastic feeling

Yes. I had one boyfriend in my 20s who was such a cretin my housemates sat me down and said they’d rather he didn’t come round. He went to the toilet with the door open and thought ‘chop up an onion’ meant to cut it into four pieces with the skin on. He self-published the worst poetry pamphlet in the world and got me an M&S prawn salad for my birthday, and STILL when he dumped me I thought I was going to die. Oh and I forgot to say he looked like a kind of ugly pony walking on its hind legs. With a combover.

Oh sorry, forgot the last bit: and then when I saw I’m again I realised I’d been INSANE.

My flatmate who I was 'in love' with in my 20s. He would not commit or even see me in public but was happy to shag when the mood took him. What a user! However I (and everyone else in our friendship circle) thought he was a lovely sweet guy. We went our separate ways but still met up occasionally then it petered out and we both moved on and married other people. I'm talking stuff that's happened over 20 years ago now.

We have met up occasionally as part of my uni friends circle since then and I no longer have any idea what I saw in him. He had a very small penis and was crap in bed apart from anything else. His wife comes across a bit wary of me because I think she knows about the past 'relationship' but honestly I have zero interest in the guy at all now.

I'm awaiting the ick, three years on and off with him breaking my heart and then begging me to give him another chance, he's 13 years older than me, takes his front tooth out when we're alone, burps, farts, hates women (but loved to talk to them online) and cheated on me twice. I finally plucked up the courage to break up with him yesterday for good, packed what he had at mine (thank god we don't live together) drove it an hour and a half to where he lives and made him take it all, drove off without even glancing back. He's blocked on every account so has no way of getting in touch, but this morning I've jot even got out of bed yet, I feel shit that I've wasted 3 years of my life with this emotionally and physically abusive twat, but I feel so alone. These replies have honestly made me feel better in knowing I've just got to stick to my resolve and I'll get there one day, hopefully soon, but it has put me off of any sort of relationship for a while.

😂😂

It's such a freeing feeling when you finally don't care.

You can even go past not caring to total erasure
I was heartbroken when my 1st serious boyfriend at uni dumped me. We'd been together for 3 years. Twenty plus years later I was having a clear out and found some old pics and for quite a while I honestly couldn't remember his name at all.

Reading these with hope. Currently in a casual situation where he doesn't want anything serious. Sometimes I think about him so much. Last time we met I thought his hair smelled quite bad, obviously not washed it for a while. Hopefully the beginning of the end! 🙏

Yes when it's clear he can't even be bothered to wash his hair before he sees you, whereas I'm sure you do everything to make yourself as attractive as possible for him, ick. Sounds like you are starting to go in the right direction and will start to notice more and more that he's not worth it.

@Allthewallsarewhite That's exactly it! I was freshly shaved, moisturised and smelling like coconut and vanilla, tightest jeans, pretty bra, full face of make up, swishy hair...I despair!!

I think what all these stories have in common really is actually the women ourselves moving on, getting a bit of self respect and realising we don't need these losers and we can do better.

I was at a low ebb having been dumped by the long term boyfriend when I got into this 'friends with benefits' thing with the flatmate but looking back I can see there was very little benefit for me. I mean if you are going to have a thing that is just sex at least let it be good sex!

I'm 9 months out and waiting for this day to come. I'm getting there.

Mine treated me like absolute shit, lasted about 1 minute in bed, didn't know what foreplay was until he was shown (at 46 no less) and when we broke up he shagged his 24 year old assistant at work.

Things ended when he shouted at me to get out of our house (jointly owned) and I actually obliged which he wasn't expecting. I sold all my furniture and he had to buy more. He sent me tons of abusive emails and I got a cease and desist sent to him and now he's emailing my solicitor about petty shit.

He was more happy with his lips around a bottle of cider, sexted tons of women behind my back on apps like Kik, he wore muddy jeans and ripped t-shirts, has high blood pressure and is usually snoring with his belly hanging out by 8pm on the sofa.

However I am (to some degree still) in love with him, I thought he was the most amazing cool guy ever, i'm starting to see what a grim piece of crap he really is and how pervy he is as well. It's a slow process but I hope to join the ranks of the amazing posters on here soon. Can't bloody wait.

I'm finding reading the stories posted here absolutely hilarious though, please please keep posting. It is awesome.

@JillPole123 been there, done that. Two of my exes regularly refused to brush their teeth even when I said something about it.
Just makes you feel unappreciated and icky when you try to look after yourself really well and make an effort to smell nice for them etc.

Oh gross. Actually my ex never brushed his teeth in the evening so that's another thing to add to the list of ick about him.

I had one ex with a really tiny button mushroom penis (omg gross I just couldn't even think of me and him anymore) and one who I'm good friends with but would never EVER sleep with again because he never washed "down there" and it was absolutely vomit inducing.

Some of these men are enough to turn you to batting for the other side to be quite honest.

I'm so sorry for everything that you've gone through! Well done for getting out of there.

I think the problem is that we empathise so much and want to fix them and think showering them in love will make them heal and see sense. And at times we see the little traumatised boy underneath all the crap and feel very bad for them.
But we have to remind ourselves that nothing excuses them to treat us so badly now they are adults and know what's right and wrong.
Also we can't save them, it's completely their own responsibility to sort themselves out and be a functional adult.
Also why do we think their needs are more important than our own. Surely we should empathise more with ourselves and less with them.

Also the realisation that they clearly don't actually give a crap about us, despite the occasional hoover and niceties to reel you back in when you've finally had enough.

This is my personal theory on why we continue to feel so much love for those who treat us badly, but maybe just me?

No I couldn't agree with you more. I did see the little boy underneath and tried to love him and be there and fix myself for him etc etc.

In the end, he's now a 48 year old who drinks, has stage 2 hypertension that he's taking "natural supplements" to keep under control because "normal medication doesn't work for me" and he's living in a hovel and shagging a girl who is young enough to be his daughter who he's plied with a sob story about how his evil ex left him in the lurch.

He makes my eyes roll back in my head when my solicitor contacts me and says "Please see attached email from your ex" and it's another load of blah blah blah over nothing.

I think he's pathetic to be honest. I still love him, but I think by the end of this year I'll feel the same as these other women posting - utterly repulsed. I could easily replace him by getting naked in my wheelie bin after i've emptied the cat litter into it if I'm being realistic about him and not just overly rose tinted.

I'm like this with 2 people. One guy I was never with but REALLY liked in high school. I look at him now and just think oh my god, why (and he was no better then either).

My most recent ex, I look at his social media sometimes (as you do!) and I'm just shocked at my decision making.

I'm very much in love now and we've been together almost 7 years, but I often wonder if, 20 years from now, I'll be once again sitting here wondering what I was ever thinking..

Dunno what I was thinking with the last one. We were incompatible in every way. But I was a bit desperate and pickings are slim round here.
Now I would sooner be alone. He might well have been the last man I'm ever involved with. Cos he made me see how much of it is projection and rose-tinted spectacles.

Shagging a young woman would give me instant ick!

@roses321 I actually personally know quite a few older women who are now with women but were always straight. They were just sick of their shit. And now happier than ever.

Read "How to get past your breakup"by Susan Elliott.
Best self help book l have ever read.
No Contact is the answer, it breaks the spell, allows you to see it for what it really is, than how you want it to be.

Oh honestly it did, the Ann Summers sex kit on the floor that I found with the fake rose petals really did it for me. Utterly vomit inducing. It really did show me everything I needed to know. I was upset at the time, but kind of almost a bit numb to it.

This is so true and I have read and done some of the exercises in this book. No contact - like COMPLETE no contact is the answer here 100%.

I have a solicitor responding to him on my behalf and it allows me to see what an argumentative prick he really is.

He's upset that I got a valuation for OUR house and didn't "inform him first". I can get a valuation on pretty much any house if it's a desktop valuation, I don't need to ask his bloody permission, he's also refusing to buy me out and doesn't want to sell it so good luck to him. It's like prying a tick off a dogs ear.