Sister refuses to help elderly parents with dementia

[Birdy8]

My parents were both diagnosed with dementia in 2019. They were living abroad and had to return as their conditions worsened. In the years proceeding this my eldest sister made it clear that she didn't not want them to return permanently but when they did temporarily for various treatments she would do some bits and pieces like making some food or having them over for a day whilst they stayed at my brother's home as he has space. However my mum suffered an injury and we met abroad last year to discuss treatment and the future - my eldest sister (retired, no responsibilities) and brother (single, no responsibilities) only came for 2 and 3 weeks respectively (neither would book to stay over Christmas) whilst my elder sister and I were there for extended periods. An argument happened between my sisters and I and my eldest sister left and has not seen our parents since before Christmas. The argument had nothing to with my parents so not their fault, she has used it as an excuse to cut them and their illnesses out of her life. She doesn't speak to us and has generally become a more difficult person over the years, even not supporting me and my children during DV years back and the reality is that I can't forgive it although I put it aside. My brother never says anything against her despite her selfishness and unreasonableness. My elder sister, brother and I have had the responsibility over the past year of arranging care, getting our parents back to UK and into residential even though I have a lot on my plate. Has anyone experienced anything similar with siblings?

Yes.
There is absolutely zero you can do about it.
Zero.

The last kicker, after many years of NOT caring for a family member, doing absolutely nothing, they each got a share of the estate.

There literally is nothing you can do.

The harsh reality is that she's not obliged to care for them, and neither are you or your brother. It sounds like the current very stressful situation has exposed strains in the siblings relationship which have a long history.

Unfortunately, you cannot force her to be involved. And I would caution you to only do what you can without giving too much of yourself.

I say this from bitter experience, caring for a parent with dementia can be soul destroying, and I was only helping to care for one, not two. I love my father dearly, but it nearly broke me.

You need to get as much outside help as possible, carers, cleaners etc. If your parents have the means they need to pay for this. Otherwise you need to let the local authority know.

I just don't believe children should be expected to look after aging parents in their later life.

I mean as part time or full time carers.

Parents should make sure their is provision for their care later in life, even if that means no inheritance for their children.

This is likely to be the situation with my brother also, who hasn't been in touch in many years despite knowing that our father has dementia.

My mother has made it clear he will be left a share of their estate, because no matter what he is still their son. I have made peace with it.

You cannot force anyone to take on a caring role, and you cannot force an adult to have contact with another adult. There is no mechanism for doing so.

Siblings have different relationships with parents and can have very different experiences within the same family. I don't think it's fair to expect them to act as you have want them to. They may also have things going on in their lives now or in the past that you are unaware of, I don't think you can assume they are in a good place to offer help.

I would wonder what the argument is about because if it was about other siblings trying to force/ guilt her into doing care then she deserves an apology. She doesn't owe your parents care. No-one does. She needs to make decisions which fit with her conscience. As do you. It is a very sad situation but you need to respect where your sister is at.

Both my parents developed Alzheimers and another form of dementia in later life and I cared for them as my only sibling had passed away. There was no-one else to help me. It is an extremely hard time for the career of one parent with advanced dementia, never mind two of them. There comes a point when you are literally on your knees with exhaustion and feel guilty because you cannot provide the nursing care that they need alone.
They will not understand why you have to find them suitable care for their needs either. It is a very long, hard journey. Please do not try to do this on your own as it takes over your life 24/7 for 7/8 years at least.

Carer not career.

The problem with ‘People don’t have to fer help for their elderly parents’ is that the whole system is set up with the idea that someone, somewhere will step up and take on some if that responsibility.

Even Wo talking about finances and tte fact many people will not have the money fur carers in their later years, there simply aren’t enough people to care for every single elderly person. And I mean caring as in needing a personal assistant to help with shopping or sorting out the email etc….

So yes on paper a nice idea but I dint think it’s a feasible answer so far.

Having said that @Birdy8 , you can’t force your siblings to care if they don’t want to.

You can only chose what you can and can’t do.
The reality is that it’s likely to leave your parents in a hard place. Your siblings might be happy to live with that (if I look at my mum’s siblings, they certainly were). You can only chose what you are happy to accept that or not.

Surely inheritance shouldn't be who did the most for the parent? Is your dps pay per care? Your dps raised all the dc.. Presumably all loved the same regardless of how adulthood panned out for everyone? I am nc with 2 of my dc. Sadly. If I had an 'estate' to leave it would still be equally divided up..

There is absolutely nothing you can do about your sister, so the less you waste your emotional energy on her, the better.

Yes but there’s nothing you can do about it.

She may up to a point have a point - we all have to decide how much we want to do for others vs how much we want to take care of ourselves, and it is simply not for you to dismiss your sister as someone with no responsibilities. You also can’t know exactly what happened in an argument you weren’t part of. Your brother is right not to criticise your sister, what is the point?

Decide how much you want to do, and leave it at that. You do not need to give up your life or martyr yourself, especially given you have two other siblings who are also involved.

This. Leave your sister out of the equation and do what you feel able to do for your parents, but don't be guilt-tripped into doing more than is consistent with your health and your other commitments.

Yes, I had this with my brother our parents are now passed and he moved without telling me where he’d gone. I’ve tried contacting him but he doesn’t want to know me. I spent a good part of my life always considering him. It’s very painful but there is absolutely nothing you can do. Sorry.

So you're annoyed basically because your dsis won't do what you want?
Also it's a bit dismissive to say your siblings have 'no responsibilities' you might find their lives unimportant but doubt they do.
What was your parents plans for later life when they moved abroad?

TheFretfulPorpentine · Today 12:11

Aquamarine1029 · Today 12:05

There is absolutely nothing you can do about your sister, so the less you waste your emotional energy on her, the better.
This. Leave your sister out of the equation and do what you feel able to do for your parents, but don't be guilt-tripped into doing more than is consistent with your health and your other commitments.

Thank you, I am starting to get over my disappointment over my big sister's attitude and rejection. It's difficult when someone you grew up admiring and caring for changes to this extent.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · Today 10:59
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I just don't believe children should be expected to look after aging parents in their later life.
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I mean as part time or full time carers.
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Parents should make sure their is provision for their care later in life, even if that means no inheritance for their children”

Absolutely, this. It’s the very last thing we would want and we’ve planned accordingly.

You have chosen to do this. You’ve no right to try to guilt anyone else into assuming a caring role. It’s just not something that everyone is capable of, and that’s perfectly alright. That you feel she has “no responsibilities” is irrelevant. She has her own life.

I think it’s important to remember siblings can have very different experiences of growing up in the same family. I am the eldest and was always expected to look after my younger siblings and do more housework / shopping.

What did you row about with your sister? Are you expecting her to do more than you? Have you listened to her view?

There is nothing you can do.

Were you expecting your sister to do the majority of the caring because, as you put it, she has no responsibilities ?

You have chosen to do this. You’ve no right to try to guilt anyone else into assuming a caring role.

Mrs SkylerWhite I have never tried to guilt trip my sister, the argument was about her making faces during a family meeting and not saying what the issue was like adult. I care about my parents they raised me and loved me I believe that it's good to return that to them within my own abilities. I think most people who don't want to make a contribution to their parent in old age - unless they were treated badly by them - is a bit selfish, no one likes to witness selfishness when it affects them!

TheDogthatDug ·

Were you expecting your sister to do the majority of the caring because, as you put it, she has no responsibilities ?

No, I was expecting her to make some contribution like the rest of us. She said she was then randomly changed her mind after a silly argument.