Sister refuses to help elderly parents with dementia

[Birdy8]

My parents were both diagnosed with dementia in 2019. They were living abroad and had to return as their conditions worsened. In the years proceeding this my eldest sister made it clear that she didn't not want them to return permanently but when they did temporarily for various treatments she would do some bits and pieces like making some food or having them over for a day whilst they stayed at my brother's home as he has space. However my mum suffered an injury and we met abroad last year to discuss treatment and the future - my eldest sister (retired, no responsibilities) and brother (single, no responsibilities) only came for 2 and 3 weeks respectively (neither would book to stay over Christmas) whilst my elder sister and I were there for extended periods. An argument happened between my sisters and I and my eldest sister left and has not seen our parents since before Christmas. The argument had nothing to with my parents so not their fault, she has used it as an excuse to cut them and their illnesses out of her life. She doesn't speak to us and has generally become a more difficult person over the years, even not supporting me and my children during DV years back and the reality is that I can't forgive it although I put it aside. My brother never says anything against her despite her selfishness and unreasonableness. My elder sister, brother and I have had the responsibility over the past year of arranging care, getting our parents back to UK and into residential even though I have a lot on my plate. Has anyone experienced anything similar with siblings?

It is hard, and how ever much we know that our parents never expected us to care for them etc, most of us who grew up with loving caring parents do feel compassion for them and that we want them looked after and to feel loved.

I think though that you should not put your own life and mental health on hold, you and your other sister do what you can to put care in place. Can they go into residential care? Here or in the country they are in? Have they got savings, pension, a house to sell?

Focus on what you can do. It will give you peace of mind in the long run.

@EggInANest thanks they are now in residential , I will visit them regularly and I am moving on from my sister's behaviour.

@MrsSkylerWhite No, but not being considerate and supportive to family who have caused you no harm is.

@DinnaeFashYersel thanks its been a sad, eye-opening experience.

Who's the 'we' asked in all of this. And what was being asked of her?
Are you quite dramatic in other aspects of things with all the 'I'm healing' comments?

OP, have you ever considered the possibility that it's not your sister that you're angry with, but your parents?

In other countries family helps family. My parents were not well off but they scraped together everything they had to give a bit of money for my wedding for example. If I was in my whole country they'd happily babysit none of this 'grandparents have no obligations' nonsense. No way am I ever leaving them in the lurch.

In the UK everyone is individualistic, so you can't complain when what goes around comes around. Of course, some people are selfish no matter what others do for them, but this isn't clear in the OP. She's being deliberately vague, complaining that the siblings with seemingly no responsibilities 'only' stayed for 3 weeks so it's hard to work out who's at fault here. Maybe OP and the other sister was trying to push the bulk of the work onto her? And she pointed out parents had more than enough to pay for professional care, but OP refused to accept this?

DH's family never gave us anything, even for our wedding they had so many demands but we paid for most of it ourselves and they gave us a small present off the registry. They're very wealthy and can afford proper carers so I'll be expecting them to put their hands in their pockets and for DH to focus on our family, not run around for them. We never expected anything from them, and never received anything. So they'll be getting the same treatment.,

I don't think you're showing a bigger picture and I wonder if you even know what bigger picture is. Eye-rolling (if thats what she did) is a pretty obvious social cue that someone thinks you're being over-dramatic. Asking then what someone's problem is will most likely lead to this person rolling their eyes so far back their will see the back of their head

yes. it's immature - which makes me think there was more to this story and the strain started a lot earlier than this one argument...and is probably related to reasons as to why your sister does not care for your parents.

Well you are just being ridiculous. The size of our aging population is increasing rapidly. The state cannot deal with all of the caring aspect so blood relatives must step in. Such is life. Here's hoping you yourself need no care in your old age.

@Thistlelass posters don't take that approach to grandparents and childcare though. It's quite the opposite response.

I really empathise

My sister made the decision to go 100% NC with our Mother in 2014 which meant that any issue which arose and there were hundreds and hundreds (Mum was very ill - dementia, mental illness, paralysis) fell to me to deal with. Dad couldn't cope

I understand her NC choice but sadly, at no time did she consider the impact on me

There was nothing I could do. I just had to get on with it.

Mum died 2 years later and funnily enough, on the day of her death, my sister wanted to start giving her pov and 'helping'. And of course she benefitted from Mums will

😬

We're going through this too. My PILs are in very poor health and need lots of support and my DH is doing it all with no help from his brother. To be fair his brother lives abroad, but he hasn't been back to visit once and he never even phones to find out how they're getting on - just a text message every couple of months. It is what it is and we can't do anything to change things.

I shall make provision so my children don't need to give up their life to care for me.

I will use the money from my home to do so

Other responsibilities or not I could not care for aging/unwell parents. I will not.

My mum knows this. You can’t force your sister

Why didn't your parents stay and grow old in the country they were in?
What treatment did they keep coming back to the UK for?
Our lives pan out as a result of the choices we make. What were your parents plans for the long term when they moved away.
Your anger is misplaced.

There's no 'must' about it. I won't be doing it and I won't want anyone doing it for me.

I have never tried to guilt trip my sister, the argument was about her making faces during a family meeting and not saying what the issue was like adult. I care about my parents they raised me and loved me I believe that it's good to return that to them within my own abilities. I think most people who don't want to make a contribution to their parent in old age - unless they were treated badly by them - is a bit selfish, no one likes to witness selfishness when it affects them

Might be way off mark but could your sister have had an idea that your parents would end up back in the UK expecting family to look after them.
I am guessing your parents lifestyle meant it wouldn’t have been that much of a stretch of the imagination to see what was going to happen

Your sister drew her line in the sand about caring for your elderly parents years before so you really shouldn’t have expected anything when what she thought in her own mind would happen, happened

I think you are trying to judge your sister based on thinking that what you experienced growing up is exactly the same as your siblings

I think it is this lack of awareness which might have led to you not understanding why your sister rolled her eyes.

If you don’t know why someone is rolling their eyes then maybe look at the conversation and what was said immediately before the eye roll
Something in that conversation triggered your sisters eye roll and I think she rolled her eyes knowing that a person or persons who were in that room knew exactly what she meant
Look again at the conversation with a more open mind the knowledge that your experience might not be another persons.

Honestly, I think that you do sound a bit intense. The reality of caring for elderly parents is that there is often one child who decides they want to care and then guilt trips others.

And if you were honest with yourself you were expecting your eldest sister to care for your parents by way of matching your contribution. I think that she became defensive and then you both had a disagreement that got out of hand because you were already irritated with each other's position.

"Family meeting" is also just too intense. These things are not instantly decided to everyone's satisfaction. Far more realistic to have a series of discussions in a non judgemental way than try to bludgeon everyone into agreeing you with "meetings". It sounds as if you expected that your brother and sister should spend an unlimited amount of time with you because they (according to you) didn't have other things going on in their lives and the family meetings followed from this, so they were the recalcitrant children and you were the grown up at the "meeting". This isn't the way to do things if you want people to come with you - and if you want people to come with you, you do need to understand that they might not come with you all the way. If you start from the position that, if they offer less, they are selfish, then they are pretty unlikely to offer what they feel they can.

It’s hard, but there is nothing you can do. I understand your sis has her own life, but her parents have raised her and she should at least help care for them when they need her support.

No, but not being considerate and supportive to family who have caused you no harm is

How do you know?

@Ladybug14 Thanks, I am sorry to hear what you went through too. My sister arrived started "helping" and then when we had an argument she disappeared without a word to us, her sisters and deserted our parents without saying she was never coming back! If that is reasonable behaviour as some people suggest then I'm glad to be "unreasonable"! In the past she has mentioned inheritance which wasn't even being discussed. It will most probably be the same in the future but as hurtful as the whole experience has been I have started moved on from her and she can live her life as she pleases.

Absolutely. Your sister can live as she chooses, as mine did and does

I'm still sad that my sister didn't care enough about me to put her feelings for Mum aside and continue to help me with Mum.

But as they say,'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'

I look back on the myriad difficulties I experienced managing Mum and and also Dad, on my own, between 2014 and 2016, and I'm glad that I got through it with my mental health intact

Sending you love ❤️

@Pottomous2 Thanks, I agree, my view is to help your parents if they have been good to you whilst raising you and to support family members within your abilities. That's what I was raised to believe was kindness/consideration for others - obviously not a view that some here subscribe to. I will continue to support my parents and siblings who are involved and my eldest sister can get on with her life as she pleases.

I hate the idea that children OWE their parents support as they grow older. I didn't have children with the intention that they would care for me. I won't ask it if them and I find it a bit repulsive that some parents of siblings expect it.

If you want to card for your parent that's fine. If you don't then please don't. It's awful to do it but feel resentment towards your parents or siblings. If you want to do it but need some support then get support from the agencies and companies that offer it. Don't expect other family members to be happy to do it.

The OP seems to have been willing to support her folks but is angry that siblings aren't, particularly as in her view they don't have responsibilities that are obstacles.

They've said they don't want to, you've made it clear you want them to. You've driven the wedge between you by not accepting that they don't want that caring responsibility.

They would have probably continued with periodic visits and relationships if you hadn't made it clear that they aren't meeting your expectations.

To be clear children do not have responsibilities to care for their parents. Society has a responsibility to care for people that can't care forced to themselves, but if the person has assets these should be used to fund care.

@Ladybug14 Thank you very much appreciated and all the best to you too. I still feel sadness but trying to work through it and heal.